Lesser of Two Evils

As with any form of entertainment, the sports world is more compelling when it has someone who, as Al Pacino famously said in "Scarface", they can point their fingers at and say "There's the bad guy."

Every sport needs villains. After a while you get tired of watching soft drink-shilling pop tarts smiling for the cameras and hugging children. We need people we can aim our vitriol at. We need someone or some thing to root against, be it Duke basketball or the Dallas Cowboys or Barry Bonds. Plotting the demise of those that make our blood boil is almost as entertaining as cheering on our boys(and, depending on who you ask, both feelings might be equal).

In the basketball world, fans tend to aim their disgust at individuals more so than teams(though the Lakers rank high amongst sports' most despised franchises). Coming into this season, the most hated man on the face of the hardwood was Miami Heat superstar LeBron James, who famously lead the city of Cleveland down the primrose path before ripping their hearts out on national television via a unnecessary, self-serving "special" where he stalled for a half hour before announcing his intentions to ditch the Cavs to "take his talents to South Beach". Cleveland will never forgive King James for that and there are many outside of Ohio who have the same sentiments as Cavs fans. Before LBJ was Public Enemy #1, fans adopted Lakers guard Kobe Bryant as the NBA's John Dillinger. As if a well-publicized rape charge wasn't enough to make people's skin crawl, Kobe had storied brouhaha with lovable Laker legend Shaquille O'Neal and went on a momentary rampage where he attempted to whine his way out of L.A. unless the Lakers put a team that fit his liking(oddly enough, Kobe wanted a championship caliber team much like the one he just destroyed with Shaq). "The Decision" didn't quite take Kobe off the hook but that public screw-up by James combined with Kobe winning a couple rings without "The Diesel" changed the momentum a bit.

However, much like The Akron Hammer bailed out The Black Mamba from the NBA's hot seat, James might now find himself to be the beneficiary of a momentum shift in the battle to become basketball's biggest bad guy. In fact, he might end up being usurped by two contenders, one of which a very familiar face.

While LeBron has been busy putting on another season for the ages and Kobe continues to fight off Father Time by threatening to win a scoring title when his body is more broken down than a '86 Volvo, the center of attention(no pun intended) these past few months has been Orlando Magic big man Dwight Howard. Coming into this lockout-shortened season, D-12 was a mortal lock to be skipping out of Orlando and into the friendly confines of either Los Angeles or somewhere in the Metropolitan area(Brooklyn/New Jersey). Instead, Howard went on a five-month crusade in which he curb-stomped any bit of respect or credibility the basketball-loving public had for him by routinely flip-flopping his intentions, plotting behind closed doors to get his head coach canned and then sulking to the point that teammates accused him of mailing it in. Now, I'm sure, if given a mulligan, Howard would push for the team to move him before the trade deadline and not waver off of his demand to get out of town. However, Howard found himself caught in an internal struggle with himself. He wanted out of Orlando, but he wanted to do it in a way where he wouldn't piss off the fans in Orlando that stuck behind him since he came to town a few years ago. He wanted his exit to be more like Chris Paul's exile from New Orleans, bittersweet yet understandable, and not like LeBron's, with fans burning jerseys and booing til their lungs collapsed. So, Howard found himself answering constant questions about his future, wanting to tell the world he wanted out but not wanting to come off as a complete douche bag. The result? The Magic forced Doomsday into a game of chicken, which they inevitably won at the deadline and forced Howard into signing an extension for next season but only after he exhausted any chance of a trade with his constant unwillingness to make a decision on his future. Because of that, Howard went from being a conflicted star who wanted to leave on good terms to being cast as a coach killer who got outed for being a diva behind closed doors who threw his teammates and head coach Stan Van Gundy under the bus while demanding the preferential superstar treatment he felt he deserved as the man at the center of trade talks for the last 12 months.

How the next few months play out for Howard remain to be seen. For now, he's going to spend the rest of the season in a suit and on the mend from a poorly timed back surgery(Poorly timed because it came after reports were flying left and right confirming Howard wanted Van Gundy gone and accusing Howard of giving up on the team, a claim he can no longer defuse from the bench) and being a foil for angry fans. Lucky for Dwight, another target has emerged to be the target of our arrows. The Headcase Formerly Known As Ron Artest now known as Metta World Peace caught a Glen Davis sized amount of shit over the weekend for delivering an elbow to the side of Oklahoma City Thunder guard James Harden's head that would make "Macho Man" Randy Savage cringe. Ron/Metta claims the elbow was unintentional but the question remains why Artest/Peace insisted upon throwing 'bows in the first place? Was he that gassed up from throwing one down that he had to go into full freakout mode? Or was this yet another in a long line of inexplicably foolish antics that have become Captain Queensbridge's calling card his entire career? In a sports era where concussion awareness is at an all-time high, could Artest pick a worse time to go Dee-Bo upside Harden's dome? The league has suspended Artest/Peace for seven games, but if it was up to me, Artest would be done for 2012 with his availability for next season being up for review pending good behavior. This is the man who has become more known for charging into the stands after fans, badgering refs, bullying opponents, giving spaced-out interviews and being a general nuisance to every team he's been on. You forget that he's one of the game's premier perimeter defenders and underrated combo guards. All you think about when you hear the name "Ron Artest" or "Metta World Peace"(Side note: could there be a more ill-fitting new moniker for a loon like Artest than "World Peace"? That would be like George Zimmerman changing his name to "Racial Equality") is "That guy's craaazzzy!".

That being said, at least Artest knows what he is and he's never shied away from it. Sure, the name change may have been a ploy by him to convince people he's turned over a new leaf, but who was really buying that anyway? Artest is a lot of things. Fraud isn't one of them. The same can't be said about Howard. That brings me to my ultimate question and, in essence, the reason behind this blog: Is it better to have a once-respectable superstar who turns out to be a me-first prima donna that sabotages the franchise with his indecisiveness or a knucklehead with a reputation for chicanery whom the locker room knows they'll have to keep in check if they hope to contend? With Artest, you know what you're getting: solid defense, some ill-advised jumpers, about 30-40 technicals and the looming probability of a suspension. In Howard, you get the game's best center and two-way threat who also can't be trusted because he can flip on his teammates and coaches the minute he sees greener pastures. You want a star who needs to be coached or needs to be babied?

This summer, Howard will get his wish either via Van Gundy's inevitable canning or a trade out of town(possibly both). In the meantime, is there a better potential storyline than a Howard-less Magic team's quest for the title in the upcoming playoffs? What better way to stick it the diva who proclaimed that his teammates weren't good enough for someone of his stature than to win a ring without him.....while he's watching from the bench? How can you not root for Orlando as a underdog in a hardly-stacked Eastern Conference? Do I think they'll get out of the first round? Hell no! Will it be entertaining to watch them try and will I laugh giddily if they make each round a series? Damn straight. As for Artest, he'll do his time and he'll come back to a Lakers team that still has an outside chance at a title. He'll go back to his role as the NBA's biggest wild card and the team will rally around him to keep him from going, well, Ron Artest on somebody.

That, to me, speaks wonders about how the tables have turned for Dwight Howard. He's managed to become more of a cancerous pariah than a well-known crazy man who just tried to decapitate an opponent with a bionic elbow. Congratulations, Dwight. In your quest to be treated like a superstar like LeBron, you've managed to become Public Enemy #1......just like LeBron.

Making matters worse, not even Ron Artest can save you from that hot seat, big fella.

Cut Their Mic Off Award Winners # 7 and 8

In honor of Tiger Woods' "transgressions", I decided to declare today: TWO-TIME THURSDAY. What does that mean exactly? It means I now have an excuse to double up on both the Cut Their Mic Award and the Milk Carton All-Star of the Week. We'll start it off with this week's bastion of buffoonery.

"I used to drink Hennessy....at halftime. I [kept it] in my locker. I'd just walk to the liquor store and get it.....When I was a 19-year old father, whew. I was a single pimp! I was wild. A lot of marijuana and alcohol -- even before [that age].....I used to drink every night and party every night."

When talking about a Grade A idiot like Ron Artest, I suppose one shouldn't be surprised by quotes like this. After all, this is the same guy who, upon arriving in Los Angeles, asked the L.A. media is San Diego had a baseball team.....WHILE WEARING A PADRES CAP! This is the same man who once tried to pummel a fan for throwing a beer cup at him....while Artest was laying on the scorer's table after a brawl....for whatever reason. Perhaps my issue is, why? What possible reason could there be for admitting to getting liquored up during halftime while with the Bulls nearly a decade ago? What other motivation could Artest possibly have except to keep his name in the papers and stir up more controversy? Now, of course, one could be taken aback by Artest's blatant disregard for raising his child by spending his nights partying it up, but this is Ron Artest.....not exactly the poster child for great parenting. Hell, Jon Gosselin is probably a better father than this guy.

Artest claims that the original reason for sharing the story was to show how far he's come as a person. You know, from drunk, psychotic, lunatic to just batshit crazy. He claims the media dissected his story, deciding only to use the juicy tidbits to sell papers. Well, no shit, Sherlock! It's the media! For Christ's Sake, these are the same people who spent two weeks running editorials on a couple of lines about Andre Agassi's meth addiction in Agassi's tell-all. When has the media ever not taken something out of context and ran with it? Shit, we here at BoomRoastedSports have made a feature out of taken dumb quotes out of context and running with it! It's hard to grasp the concept of someone's maturation when he is so easily deceived by the same reporters he's been talking to for the last ten years. What exactly were you expecting from this story, Ron? A Noble Peace Prize? Well, I'm afraid you lucked out. As a consolation, though, we've cut your mic off.

"I really feel sorry for Elin, since me and my wife were at fault for hooking her up with him. We probably thought he was a better guy than he is. I would probably need to apologize to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of a 3-iron."

The quote comes from the man responsible for setting up Tiger Woods with his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Elin: Swedish douchebag Jesper Parnevik. Now, I understand that Parnevik has a closer relationship with Mrs. Woods, as she is his former nanny. That being said, you don't sandbag another man in public over an alleged affair that you know very little about. For one, Tiger has never fully admitted to an affair, just that there have been "transgressions"(Translation: He's been gettin' it in with women who aren't his wife). Secondly, whether he has or hasn't stepped out on his wife, is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. In fact, it's none of our business, either. Also, even if it was meant in jest, you don't encourage the behavior of a woman who may have went Johnny Drama on her husband with a golf club by joking that she should have got a better club. Would you like YOUR wife to chase you with a 3-iron? Of course not....so shut it.

And when did Parnevik become Mr. Perfect? Sure, maybe he does step out on his wife like Woods probably did. Maybe that's because Parnevik is a no-name jerk-off who likes to play golf in hot pink polos and not the world's most famous athlete like Woods is. You "feel sorry" for Mrs. Woods, Jesper? Really? You worry about the well-being of a woman who is probably going to net somewhere near $300 million in a divorce settlement. Oh yes, poor her. She'll be crushed. I just can't fathom watching her wipe her tears with Tiger's benjamins. Oh, those poor kids, how they'll starve! Save it. Look, Tiger fucked up. So did Michael Jordan. So did Brad Pitt. So did A-Rod. You know why? Because their famous athletes who spend a majority of their time around groupie girls with low morals who are dying for a taste of fame. Why do you think this broad saved the voicemails Tiger left her? She was seeing the green better than Tiger did at Augusta the minute he looked twice at her.

You thought he was a "better guy than he is". We all did. Then we realized he's human. That he has moments of weakness. That in a life spent travelling the world all year long, he gets lonely and occasionally yearns for the attention of someone of the opposite sex, even if that person is not his wife. You can only satisfy so many needs from thousands of miles away. Something tells me Mrs. Woods isn't getting real heavy with nasty phone sex while trying to put two kids to sleep. Like I said, Tiger made a mistake and he apologized. If there's one disappointment I personally have over all of this is that Tiger never bothered to drop the armor and reason with us like a human being. In a moment where he proved he's just like one of us and should be treated like such, he still found time to break out the contrived speeches and pre-meditated statements. Sure, Tiger's right, family issues like this shouldn't require press conferences, but perhaps fans and media alike cling to moments like this because we are all searching for a little bit of humanity from our heroes. THAT is what will stick in my craw about Tiger's "transgressions", the fact that he still conjured up the robot act. That he still refused to be real with us.

As for Parnevik, the man better even so much as smile at a busty waitress from Sweden to Hong Kong. He better spend the rest of his life as a perennial candidate for husband of the year, because the minute he finds himself in the same situation Tiger is in, I hope Tiger is standing right behind him at that very second to tee off on Jesper's face like it's Hole 1 of The Masters......and guess what, Jesper?

He won't need the driver.