Ready to Rumble

Among WWE pay-per-views, WrestleMania gets the lion’s share of the attention. And why shouldn’t it? It’s “The Showcase of Immortals”, “The Show of Shows”, “The Grandest Stage of Them All”.

However, in terms of sheer excitement and fun, nothing tops the company’s annual January free-for-all: Royal Rumble. It’s a simple concept that even the most casual of viewers can comprehend. 30 men (and now women), starting with two combatants with a new one joining every 90 seconds. If you go over the top rope with both feet hitting the floor, you lose and the last person standing goes to WrestleMania to face the champion of their choosing.

The match has always been used to develop up-and-comers, reintroduce returning stars and instill some nostalgia with a surprise entrant or two. Given the way it’s been booked, this year’s edition likely won’t be high on unpredictability but should be a blast just the same.

With the event hours away, I wrote this guide to help you get ready. As a classic gentleman, I’ll start with the ladies first. 

Women’s Royal Rumble Preview

Who Should Win: Bayley. The company has spent months building up the Ronda Rousey-Becky Lynch-Charlotte Flair feud that is sure to culminate in a WrestleMania main event. However, if the reports of Rousey taking a hiatus after Mania are true, it would make more sense to have her drop the title to Sasha Banks tonight and build up a suitable contender for The Boss.

And who better than her best friend Bayley? For those who remember Banks and Bayley’s matches at NXT, a potential title bout between the two would be the female equivalent of Savage-Steamboat or Bret vs Shawn (minus the bad blood and infidelity rumors). The company can still have its Rousey-Charlotte-Becky triple threat (Rousey had the biggest match at last year’s Mania without being anywhere near the title) while fans wanting to see a true classic get to see arguably the two best go at it with something on the line again. 

Worst-Case Scenario Winner: Nia Jax. There are obviously a lot of ways WWE could ruin this match but the best one among likely contenders would be to give the win to The Irresistible Force. Few stars have squandered their momentum from last year’s WrestleMania quite like Jax, who left New Orleans with her first women’s title after defeating Alexa Bliss. Since then, she’s been a source of derision for fans and fellow wrestlers alike due to her sloppy in-ring technique, her boring promos and the flip-flopping between face and heel. Her inadvertent punch that broke Becky Lynch’s face, ruining the Survivor Series main event between Lynch and Rousey, is a botch The Rock’s cousin will probably never live down.

In addition to all her heat, a win at the Rumble doesn’t make much sense. There just isn’t a clamoring for a third Jax-Rousey PPV match nor is Jax vs Banks Mania worthy. The likely scenario is they save Jax for other battle Royal in April. 

Dark Horse: Becky Lynch. Nobody had a more impactful 2018 than The Man, and if Becky weren’t already contending for the Smackdown title against Asuka tonight, she’d likely be the favorite to win the Rumble. She’s a dark horse because it’s still unknown whether she’ll even be in the match if she loses to Asuka earlier in the night. From a storyline standpoint, Lynch competing and possibly winning the Rumble after having a classic title match would continue her bad ass run. The poster for the women’s Rumble has 23 ladies on it, which mean the other seven will be surprises (WWE announced they were going to tweet the entrants last week but I ignored it because that seemed like a stupid idea. If all 30 are announced already, bare with me). A good number of the mysterious seven will be from NXT with a couple legends sprinkled in. Maybe Lynch finds a way in. Maybe they use the months leading up to Mania to write her Rousey storyline, but she’s been too good to count her out. 

Best Potential Show-stealer: Ember Moon. Naomi had one of the best moments of last year’s Rumble when she tight-roped the barricade and used a office chair to wheel herself back into the ring to avoid elimination. So, she’s a contender here, as well. Athletic competitors like Naomi or Kofi Kingston or Rey Mysterio always show out in this event and my money is on Moon, who had a pretty good showing last year with one arm. 

While the Rumble always benefits the winner the most, there’s always a handful of people who build off their performance in January to carry into the rest of the year. If WWE is going to stick with its “New Faces, New Opportunities” mantra it sold the fans after Raw’s ratings went into the tank, then using the Rumble to showcase a former NXT champion and arguably the most athletic woman on Raw wouldn’t be the worst idea. 

Best Possible Surprise Entrant: Shayna Bazeler. WWE justifiably brought out a lot of its legends last year for the inaugural ladies’ battle royal, so there aren’t many left to bring out this year. If Paige is somehow given the green light to wrestle again, she would probably get the biggest pop of the night. There was some AJ Lee talk that got extinguished pretty fast. With most of the entrants known, there’s not much room for surprises (which is why announcing the entrants was stupid). You can give this spot to any of the NXT ladies: Bazeler, Rhea Ripley, Bianca Bel Air, Toni Storm. I’ll go with Shayna simply because she’s the champ and the slim chance of a battle between her and Rousey would be intriguing.

Best Surprise Entrant That Won’t Happen: Sable. The wrestling world hasn’t seen Sable since 2004, which is surprising given she’s married to one of the biggest stars in the company and WWE loves using wrestling couples in storylines. However, it’s not that surprising when you consider Sable left the company on bad terms then sued them for sexual harassment shortly after. She’s basically CM Punk without the chants and wrestling acumen. She also probably hasn’t wrestled since leaving wrestling and it might be worth the ring rust to put a 51-year-old woman in there for a couple minutes. 

Still, Brock has shown to have some sway and if he were to say “How about throwing my wife in the Rumble?”, Vince might at least consider it. 

Predicted Final Four: Charlotte-Carmella-Bayley-Ruby Riot. Assuming Lynch isn’t included, Charlotte is the prohibitive favorite. Carmella won the No. 30 spot via the Mixed Match Challenge, so she should be there at the end by default. Bayley seems poised to fill the workhorse role with three of the division’s biggest names out and Riot is up there with Ember Moon on the list of 2019 breakout stars. I also wouldn’t rule out Zelina Vega making a spirited run here. 

Who Will Win: Charlotte. There’s only two ways I can envision this not ending with Charlotte’s hand raised:

1. Lynch and Rousey both lose their title matches, and one or both screws Charlotte, which will set them up for the next three months. 
2. Lynch is one of the 30 women and she wins the Rumble.

That’s it. That’s the list. As talented as this crop of women are, there are very few that make sense from a story standpoint, and the ones that do (Moon, Riot, Bayley, Naomi, Kairi Sane), probably aren’t getting their WrestleMania moment this year. Charlotte has been the ace WWE has turned to when they need a big match and I don’t see that changing here. 

Men’s Royal Rumble 

Who Should Win: Drew McIntyre. McIntyre and Seth Rollins are the favorites, and while I have no issue with Rollins winning, a match between him and Lesnar just seems too similar to the one Brock is about to have with Finn Balor. The whole underdog/It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog/David vs Goliath angle is cool until you realize Lesnar already did it with Daniel Bryan at Survivor Series and Balor at the Rumble. McIntyre, while also a heel, at least offers up a different kind of foil for The Beast Incarnate. 

Worst-Case Scenario Winner: Braun Strowman. It’s possible that the hype surrounding McIntyre and Rollins is a smokescreen for the inevitable Strowman-Lesnar rematch of their stinker at Crown Jewel. Strowman is going to get his chance to be champion and history suggests he’ll be a dominant one, but I just don’t think Lesnar-Strowman 2 is WrestleMania main event worthy. Of course, the same could be said about Lesnar’s battles with Roman Reigns, and that didn’t stop creative from making it happen over and over again. 

Dark Horse: Rey Mysterio. The odds favor the winner of the Rumble being a superstar from Raw (McIntyre, Rollins, Braun, maybe even Lashley), but what if WWE threw us a curveball and went with a Smackdown winner for the third year in a row? 

The problem with that scenario is that, while Daniel Bryan’s heel turn has been amazing, it left the show without a viable face to root for that wasn’t named AJ Styles. 

• Shinsuke Nakamura: heel
• Miz: heel
• Randy Orton: heel
• Andrade: heel
• Samoa Joe: heel
• Big Show: heel...or face...depends what week it is.

Mysterio’s return has gone better than expected considering he’s 44, has a long injury history and relies on his athleticism to be competitive. If Bryan’s feud with Styles ends before Mania, he’s going to need a new opponent and Mysterio has won this thing before. Would it make sense? No. Has that stopped WWE before? Also no. But what better way to put a bow on a future Hall of Fame career than to give him one more WrestleMania moment before riding off in the sunset?

Best Potential Show-Stealer: Mustafa Ali. Kofi Kingston steals the show every January so it would be unfair to put him here. In fact, this should be the Kofi Kingston Award. With Raw’s top contenders pretty much settled, the focus turns to Smackdown to match their rival brand. Andrade is going to have a big night. Mysterio should, too. Another option is Mustafa Ali, who earned his blue stripes with a excellent match against Bryan on Smackdown and is now embroiled in a feud with Samoa Joe, who will definitely be present at the Rumble. This event is always good for continuing storylines and I expect Joe and Mustafa to play a classic cat-and-mouse game while Ali takes some pages out of Kofi’s playbook with some high-flying theatrics. 

Best Possible Surprise Return: Bray Wyatt. I don’t know if this would be much of a surprise. Reports surfaced that Wyatt is ready to come off injured reserve, and with reports also surfacing that Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn are being held out til after Mania, The Eater of Worlds becomes the most interesting potential surprise. Doubling-down on that, a Wyatt Family reunion culminating in a Bray win wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world (albeit highly unlikely). The other possible candidate would be Roman Reigns, who has been battling leukemia since last fall. As much as well root for The Big Dog’s speedy recovery, this might be a little too soon. 

Also, while it won’t happen, I’d absolutely welcome any of the New Day guys taking this one, particularly Xavier Woods. 

Meanwhile, how odd is a Rumble that will be potentially without Reigns, John Cena, Daniel Bryan, AJ Styles, Undertaker and Lesnar? 

Best Surprise Entrant That Won’t Happen: CM Punk. It seems like a waste to even write this since a Punk return will likely never happen. There was some buzz about a Punk sighting in Phoenix this weekend but that was apparently a troll job using an old airport photo of him and his wife, AJ Lee. Punk has pretty much told anyone bold enough to ask if he’ll be at the Rumble to stick it and that matches with his stance on returning to wrestling since his 2014 departure.

However, today is five years to the day of Punk’s last match in a WWE ring and what better way to return than to the event that was his final straw? 

While it’s unlikely to happen, it doesn’t hurt to dream and Punk will be there in spirit as chants of his name will likely echo through Chase Field. 

Projected Final Four: Rollins-McIntyre-Andrade-Mysterio. Like Becky Lynch, Braun’s uncertain status for the Rumble (he’s not on any of the promo posters and the storyline doesn’t have him in the match as of the go-home show) makes it hard to project where he’ll finish. Ultimately, this is going to come down to Rollins and McIntrye with the scant hope of a Smackdown win looming. R-Truth is set to be the last man in, but I can see a scenario where he’s gone before the final four. The finish to this match has some run-in potential, with Braun and Dean Ambrose both engaged in rivalries with the two favorites. 

Who Will Win: Seth Rollins. Rollins is the company’s best all-around performer and keeping him out of the main event after he killed it all last year just seems dumb. As tired as the Big Man vs Little Man backdrop has become, a Rollins-Lesnar match is the best possible outcome and would be infinitely more entertaining than Strowman or even McIntyre challenging.

New Rules 2011

With football over and baseball still a month away, it's hard finding a single topic to dedicate a decent amount of my trademark snark towards. I mean, look at our choices: Last Saturday's Slam Dunk Contest? Meh. NBA All-Star Game? Can't say I watched it. NASCAR? Not a sport. The pending NFL lockout? Too depressing. There were a few things that caught my eye over the last couple of weeks and I figured "Hey, it's a new year. Let's break out some New Rules!".

Done and done.

NEW RULE: Denver Nuggets management has to admit they don't know what the hell they're doing. Look, I'm Melo'd out(See what I did there?). First, the Nets are in. Then, they're out. Then, 'Melo might stay. Then, he wants to go. Here's what I know, as a man who has no inside ties to NBA front offices and gets all his news from the occasional SportsCenter segment and Twitter: Carmelo Anthony wants to be a Knick. Yes, the Nets offer up a superior deal to the one New York is offering....except for one key component: Anthony's signature on a contract extension. So, what's with all the pussy-footing, fellas? Melo wants the Knicks. The Knicks want Melo. The Nuggets want something back for their soon-to-be departed franchise player. Let's make a deal already! The Nuggets price is a bit extreme, as they are asking for damn near every Knick short of Chris Childs. If something is going to happen, Denver has to settle for about 75% of what they are asking for(maybe less) from New York. Still, that's better than zilch, right? In the time it has taken for the Nuggets to make a Melo trade, the Hornets have made four deals. FOUR! And they would have had a fifth if Milwaukee didn't shut the door on a trade for Corey Maggette. Four trades by a team that, just this summer, was also thinking of shopping its franchise guy(Chris Paul).

I wrote this a month ago and it still holds true now: The Nuggets have two choices, send Melo to the Knicks or keep him and force him to walk out on them this summer. That's it. He's going to brush off any deal on the table with anybody else because, as he's said 100 times, he wants to be a New York Knick. He wants the Garden. He wants Spike Lee doing the Dougie in the front row during the playoffs. He doesn't want to tag team with a walking stiff like Brook Lopez and what's left of Chauncey Billups. He doesn't want to wait two years to play in New York when he can do it right now. So, let's make this thing happen already, people.

NEW RULE: Michael Jordan has to come out of retirement again. Sports media types around the country pissed their pants a couple weeks ago because His Airness decided to come down from his ivory tower to scrimmage with the team he's helping destroy. To further add fuel to the "MJ's playing ball again!" fire, interim coach Paul Silas spouted off not too long after Jordan's run with the whippersnappers and declared MJ could still drop 20 on these young guys. The sad part is, Silas is probably right. At 48 with Joe Namath's knees, Jordan might be the physical equipment of that ashy dude at the park with the Horace Grant goggles and his knees wrapped like a mummy but, given how defense is played(or, not played, to be precise), is it farfetched to think Jordan couldn't come off the bench and drain a few shots against defensively-challenged opponents?

That's the question that needs to be answered. Look, I'm no Jordan fan, but this NBA season has been dominated by three stories: 'Melo's trade options, the Miami Heat, and the decline of Kobe and the Lakers. People aren't talking about Derrick Rose putting up MVP numbers in Chicago. People aren't hyping up the Spurs, who only have the West's best record. We need a new wrench thrown into this season. Brett Favre has already set the bar for once-great, past-their-prime, ego-driven icons making ridiculous comebacks. Jordan can shatter that. Who doesn't want to see Jordan's knees buckle trying to stand in front of a 270lb freight train like LeBron? Tell me Jordan carrying Charlotte to the 8th seed in the East won't make that first round matchup with Miami(or Boston) much more entertaining. Give us something new by giving us something old. Give us MJ.

NEW RULE: No more free-throw dunks. It's 2011. Surely, evolution has proved that today's athletes can come up with better ways to thrill us with their above-the-rim affairs than recycling a dunk made famous nearly forty years ago. When Dr. J did it, it was astounding. Then, Jordan took it to another level. Now? Every dickhead with a 40' vertical is doing it. Just as a rule of thumb, Slam Dunk champion hopefuls, if Brent Barry can do it, it's not cool.

Personally, I'd like to see the Slam Dunk contest abolished because they can never reel in any of the marquee names and we're left with 7-footers getting bush league perfect scores because they can do windmill dunks on a rim three feet above their heads. We used to be able to see 'Nique and Vince Carter and Kobe and Jordan.....now, we get Serge Ibaka. Alot of people think JaVale McGee got robbed in his loss in the Finals to Blake Griffin in Saturday night's Slam-boree. That may be true. After all, Blake dunking over the hood of the car may sound impressive, but call me when he's going over the roof of an Escalade or even this.

You know the real reason McGee lost to Griffin Saturday night? BECAUSE HE'S JAVALE MCGEE! He's the 3rd best player on the 2nd worst team in the Baby Brother Conference. Fans are supposed to vote for THAT guy over a man they've watched tear down the house on Sportscenter all season? In Griffin's backyard? Back to the free throw dunk, let's retire it. If we are going to continue to go with this charade of a competition, we should retire a famous dunk every year. This year, it will be the free throw line dunk. Next year, it can be Jordan's cradle dunk. After that, we can retire Vince Carter's 2000 Slam Dunk Contest, if for no other reason than it will be the only thing Vinsanity will be enshrined in other than a Tampax Hall of Fame.

NEW RULE: Albert Pujols can't get $300 million from the Cardinals unless he breaks both Roger Maris' 61 home runs record AND Hack Wilson's single-season RBI record(191 RBIs) THIS SEASON. I know, I know, "Terminator"(as he was aptly re-named in this space last year) deserves to be the league's highest paid slugger, but it's a recession, you animal! There was a 9.0 unemployment rate in this country last year(don't hold me to that. I Wiki'd it.), and we're supposed to sit back and accept a man getting $300 mil to work 6 months out of the year? Wasn't the last two A-Rod contracts hard enough to digest for blue collar America?

On top of that, Pujols is 31. Assuming he gets 10 years from St. Louis(a far-fetched assumption, but bare with me), he'll be making $30 million a year deep into his late 30's and as he's kicking 40's door down. Guys like Vlad Guerrero and Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez are struggling to find work in their late 30's(let alone $30 million a year), and Pujols(while, admittedly, better than all three) isn't head-and-shoulders better than those guys were in their primes. I agree Pujols needs to get paid and I'm sure fantasy baseball fanatics will be salivating over the words "Pujols" and "contract year" this season, but we have to draw the line somewhere with these exuberant contracts. Is it unfair to the best slugger of the last 40 years that the gluttonous paydays had to stop with him? Absolutely, but the alternative to that is Pujols not getting the money he wants from the Cards and we spend next winter watching Boston and New York(both the Mets and Yankees) battle over Phat Albert like two Kardashian sisters over Cam Newton while baseball in St. Louis(one of the best sports towns in America) dwindles into obscurity and irrelevance. That being said, if Pujols puts on a contract year statistical beatdown for the ages, it will be hard to justify NOT backing up a fleet of Brinks trucks in front of the man's feet. Still, that's where the bar should be set. Either set the world on fire, Albert, or quit reaching for the stars with these contract demands.

NEW RULE: It's time to lay pro wrestling to bed. This next paragraph or two will inevitably get me made fun of by Gabe and, if you have absolutely no interest in pro wrestling, you are more than welcomed to skip out on the blasphemy I'm about to spew. In the last few weeks, I've had a sort of wrestling epiphany. I re-watched "The Rise and Fall of WCW" on DVD, and even caught a glimpse of Monday Night Raw for the first time in ages. It was a clip of The Rock's return to the WWE. Within those two moments, I had two separate conversations with my friends about the glory days of wrestling that we remember and how it translates to what we have now. The consensus? Wrestling is dead. Now, I know pro wrestling still resounds in the hearts of so many in various regions throughout the country, but you know what, so does NASCAR. So does boxing. So does bowling, and cricket and soccer. If you're a fan of pro wrestling, you'd be a damned fool to say that what is being pawned off on us as "sports entertainment" is anywhere close to what we grew up with during the 90's(I'm assuming, of course, that you are around my age range, in your late 20's). I watched The Rock go into his usual gimmick and, while entertaining, it made me sad for the state of affairs wrestling now resides under. In the post-Nipplegate Era, entertainment can no longer be risky. Sure, you can have some off-color jokes like you see on South Park or Family Guy, but what made wrestling enjoyable a decade ago won't fly in the PC world we now live in. That's a strong reason for the decline in pro wrestling's entertainment. Another big reason is the lack of competition WWE now faces. After WWE chairman Vince McMahon bought out its main competitor, WCW, there was no rival to offer up a counter punch. WWE's attempt at trying to assimilate both worlds failed because there's only so much room for so much talent, and when Chris Benoit went off the deep end, pro wrestling as a whole had to reassess how it did business. What we have now is a scaled down version of what used to be "sports entertainment". There's no DX chops. No Austin 3:16s. No middle fingers. No sexual innuendo. It's become Sports Illustrated for Kids. In the late 90's, we had Rock, and Austin, and Undertaker, and what was left of guys like Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. Now? You have John Cena, who used to be so popular that he became unpopular. People got tired of liking him so much(except women, of course). Perhaps it's that I've matured so much in my prime years that I now find what the WWE offers to be foolish, but there was a certain charge that flowed through me watching the old WCW glory days and watching The Rock go into his schtick. It was a feeling of nostalgia combined with the fact that we will never get to that point again. The once self-proclaimed "male soap opera" will never match the edginess and violence and envelope-pushing of 10-12 years ago.

....And that's why it should end. If there's anything I've learned over the last few episodes of WWE's offerings that I've seen, it's that the biggest draws the WWE has to reel in its former hardcore fans is when they bring back guys like The Rock or like they did a year ago in bringing back Bret "The Hitman" Hart. In other words, they've become a business banking on "Old Timers' Night". WWE will still generate money with people who refuse to give up on it and will go down as the ship is sinking, but there's something to be said about quitting while you're ahead. Most of your marquee superstars are making side money doing movies these days anyway. If The Rock was ballsy enough to give up on a wrestling career that saw him make his mark as one of the 5 or 10 most popular wrestlers of our generation to go film tankjobs like "Gridiron Gang" and "Fast Five", it has to tell you something about how he saw the future of pro wrestling. That was almost a decade ago. Here we are now. Pro wrestling still catches a few eyes, much like a Manny Pacqauio fight will get hardcore fans of the sweet science to break out their wallet, but it's a shell of what it once was. So, my proposal to WWE is this: Either go back to being crotch-chopping, bird-flipping, chair-swinging, swearing rebels that made censors sweat and put fear into sponsors........or give it up. Nobody wants family-friendly pro wrestling and the people that do need to stop kidding themselves. Wrestling was once a threat to Monday Night Football. Now, it's hardly more entertaining than an episode of SVU.

Live From Redneck-a-palooza!

The interest of the American public in professional wrestling has always been divided into three groups: a. people who find it stupid and ridiculous(Gabe's group) b. people who have a mild interest stemming from childhood but have since outgrown it(my current group) and c. flat-out hardcore fanatics(my previous group).

A couple of years ago, I found out that the place I normally frequent, Buffalo Wild Wings, carried the wrestling pay-per-views for free. No cover charge. All you had to do was show up and there wasn't even a mandate to spend money(although it would be courteous to do so). This allowed patrons(many of which falling under Group C) who, either a. couldn't afford to keep shelling out $50 bucks a month to watch wrestling events and/or b. lived in a rural area that couldn't get PPV, to save some coin by enjoying a show and a night out on the town.

The biggest of these pay-per-views was the WWE's flagship show, Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania at Buffalo Wild Wings(which, hence forth in this piece will be known as BDubs) had become known for opening up the flood gates in terms of bringing together some--how do I say this diplomatically--interesting characters. My first experience of Wrestlemania at BDubs involved a line that stretched out the door and around the building at 6 p.m.(an hour before the show even started). Once inside, the place was filled with peckerwoods either decked out in rebel flags and mullets or dressed up as the wrestlers themselves down to the face paint, fake title belts and merchandise.

With that in mind, I decided to attend Wrestlemania at BDubs last night with the intention of chronicling the happenings of the event for my BoomRoasted Nation today. Knowing that I would need to arrive early to lock down a good seat, I showed up at 1 o'clock, meaning I would be spending 11 hours on a bar stool. This is how dedicated I was to explain this to my BoomRoasted supporters. Now, in fairness, trying to describe the chicanery of nitwits with some simple play-by-play is like trying to describe what Halle Berry naked looks like to Stevie Wonder. Some things had to be seen to be believed(and, of course, there's no pictures. What? I didn't want to be rude!). So without further ado, this is my running diary from Wrestlemania at BDubs, which I decided to dub as "Redneck-a-palooza".

1:00 PM: Undeterred by the rain, I arrive at Bdubs as one of only three occupied tables. The other two? A gaggle of ditzy girls and ambiguously gay dudes that looked like they were prepping for a Gossip Girl casting call. The other was a tall, heavy-set bald white guy in a doo-rag that we will refer to as Fake Stone Cold. I mention Fake Stone Cold here because not only is he the ambassador of the aforementioned Group C but he will become a central figure of tonight's events.

1:45 PM: With the Gossip Girl wannabes gone and the place quiet beyond myself and Fake Stone Cold, I decided to muster up some Over/Unders for the night. Here were the originals: Number of mullets(10), number of pee breaks I would ultimately take from 11 hours of non-stop soda drinking(8) and hours my sick wife would tough it out(4). Meanwhile, Fake Stone Cold towers over the Buck Hunter game right next to his table. At this point, I'm 60% convinced he and The Techno Viking will be tag-team partners at next year's Wrestlemania.

1:51 PM: Gabe chimes in, via text, with some Over/Unders of his own: Fake title belts(4.5), Youngest age of child at the bar(5), and actual fights that break out(.5). Sadly, all of these would go under as no children made it into the bar section and the only "fight" was a shouting match between a customer and a bartender that I will explain later.

2:01 PM: My wife, Niki, arrives fresh from picking up our friend, Sean. Now, my wife, despite the fact that she has been coming to BDubs at least once a week for a few years now, gets chased down by the bouncer with Ray Lewis-like closing speed to show I.D. Afterward, Todd McShay moved the bouncer up 10 spots on his draft board.

2:03 PM: Bartender asks my wife what she would like to drink. Knowing she'll be here awhile, Niki hesitates at ordering anything alcoholic right off the bat. The bartender, Curtis, suggests she orders "something crazy", to which I chime in with "How about water?". At this point, UConn 74, Iowa State 36 flashes on the screen, giving the Lady Huskies their 73rd straight win. I'm convinced these chicks are on the juice and that the NCAA should quit wasting everyone's time and just hand them the trophy. On top of that, they should replace Butler in the men's Final Four.

2:14 PM: A look at half-empty stands at the NASCAR race in Martinsville. With the race on delay at this point, the big screen gets switched to Tennessee-Michigan St.

2:28 PM: A text from my mother upon hearing the race has been postponed: "No race. How are we gonna get er done?". My mother is from New Jersey, where "Git R Done" is hardly ever uttered. She also apparently has a Master's Degree in Trying Too Hard To Make The Easy Joke, a program mastered by the writers from "Friends".

2:31 PM: The bar is half-filled with Vols fans......in Virginia, including one heavy-set man who looks like a cross between comedian Jeff Ross and former 76er Todd McCullough. Another lady, a oldish white lady in sweatpants and high heels who looks like the wife of Dog The Bounty Hunter, throws her first hissy fit over NASCAR(which was postponed, mind you) not being on the big screen. It should also be mentioned that this complaint came after 20 minutes of her rooting for Tennessee loudly.

2:45 PM: A debate breaks out between the three of us over the Reggie Bush-Kim Kardashian split.

Niki: "I thought she could do better."
Me: "So could he. You can't date a chick who made a sex tape with the dude before you."

Sean concurs.

2:47 PM: Niki finally realizes that the "Brooklyn" Andy Roddick continually references in his tweets is his wife, supermodel Brooklyn Decker. Niki: "I just thought he really liked New York." At this point, Niki does a role call of all the famous people she follows on Twitter including: All three Kardashian sisters, Juliette Lewis, Danny DeVito and Soliel Moon-Frye. Who are YOU kicking out of the hot tub?

3:10 PM: Cavs-Kings makes it on to the side TV, with the pregame focusing on the return of Big Z from his 30-day hiatus due to the Antawn Jamison pilfering from Washington. It would be the most exposure Big Z would get on national television since 1998.

3:11 PM: Niki goes into a hot streak much like Reggie Miller in the Conference Finals against the Knicks. First, she compares the manager of BDubs to Jamie Kennedy in "Malibu's Most Wanted", than yells "RIP" at Michael Jackson's appearance on the Motown infomercial, then declares the fitness infomercial that follows as "bar porn".

4:29 PM: An hour and half of monotony and trivia is broken by the arrival of a regular bar patron known as "Frodo". Frodo stands just under 5 feet tall and is now equipped with an excellent porn 'stache. He pays homage to Fake Stone Cold. It's like a scene out of The Godfather.

4:35 PM: Tennessee-Michigan St. is close late, causing me to exclaim: "If Tennessee wins at the buzzer, this place will go ape shit and I'm not prepared for ape shit. It's too early." Luckily, I'm saved from pandemonium by a horrid last-second call by Bruce Pearl that involved an inbounds pass that was received before half-court and a cross-court heave that was nowhere close. Spartans win by one. Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife is not please. Neither is Todd McCullough's son.

4:55 PM: Less than two hours to go before Wrestlemania and Fake Stone Cold is antsy. He's pacing back and forth like a Bengal tiger and doing chest bumps with his entourage that just gained two members: a odd-looking duo draped in sleeveless shirts. Fake Stone Cold puts his hand on the shoulder of one of them and says: "I tell you what. There ain't gonna be nothin' but violence and mayhem tonight." He's cutting promos, ladies and gentlemen. I have chills.

5:01 PM: Fresh off befriending a dancer at the strip club a week ago, Niki meets a new friend at the bar: a lovely young lady named Kelly. The two hit it off after a random "Friends" reference. Meanwhile, a tall, creepy individual lurks into the bar, dressed in Steelers garb, highwaters, Keith Van Horn-esque knee socks and sandals that are taped together with duct tape. The table tries to coax Sean, a fellow Steelers fan, into talking to him with Kelly referring to the creeper as Sean's "BFFF"(Best Fuckin' Friend Forever). Sean is understandably reluctant, especially after Niki says "He's probably sizing one of us up for a garbage bag."

5:31 PM: Duke-Baylor getting ready to tip off. Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife now rooting for Duke. She must want to get stabbed.

5:47 PM: Niki tries to recruit people to take part in her biggest life dream: a bar fight. Kelly agrees to join. Meanwhile, our friend Kate reveals that she once broke up a bar fight and that she has a scar on her chest to prove it. This provokes the men at the table to ask for visible proof. To help aid Niki's bar fight fantasy, I start chanting "Let's Go Baylor!" to antagonize Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife. "Dave, she's from West Virginia." Niki warns. "That explains the odor." I quip back.

5:54 PM: I con Niki into showing off her calves to her new buddies. Kelly and company are in awe and start taking pictures as if just shown an albino gorilla. "Worst calf-off ever. I'm so embarrassed." Niki says solemnly. "No, it was pretty hot. Admit it. You have the panty pudding right now." Kelly responds. I laugh hysterically at the phrase "panty pudding". Yup. I'm 5.

6:00 PM: The often-imitated, never-duplicated Chris Looman(his words) finally arrives after telling us he was going to take a half-hour nap. This was two hours ago. It takes Niki all of 5 seconds to start screaming insults at him.

6:17 PM: Fake Stone Cold gets his tag-team partner. Unfortunately, it's not the Techno Viking. Instead, it's a massive bald man who has the rare head-neck-shoulder combo going on. In other words, while some people have no neck, this guy's entire upper body just melds into one lump. He's also wearing a Santino Marrella jersey that is about three sizes too small. Meanwhile, Dog The Bounty Hunter proceeds to yell "Yee-haw!" at every Duke basket. Am I at a rodeo?

6:31 PM: We're joined by our friend, Jarrett, better known as "The Reverend". Meanwhile, a fist pump montage of Baylor players by CBS that would make Snooki proud takes the Duke game to commercial break. These two are unrelated incidents.....I think.

6:40 PM: The man, the myth, the legend....our friend Dillman arrives. Once in the building, he would put on an MVP performance. I'll explain later.

7:00 PM: IT HAS BEGUN! Fernandez arrives to round out the table. Meanwhile, switching off a then-close Baylor-Duke game with 3 minutes to go for Wrestlemania causes some bar attendees to go insane, none more than Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife who is at the bar screaming at the bartender.

7:01 PM: VH1 reality star and American Idol winner Fantasia comes out to sing "America The Beautiful". This causes Niki to lose her cool and me to scream out "We Want Carl Lewis!". Opening match is a 3-way tag team bout which starts with a Mystikal look-alike screaming "What's Up!" repeatedly as he runs down the aisle. I'm almost 70% sure it was Elijah Dukes. Fight ends in about 10 minutes, thanks to right hand by "Waterboy" star The Big Show. Easily a worse finish than the Tennessee-Michigan State game.

7:18 PM: A triple threat between the sons of former wrestling greats takes place, including Ted Dibiase Jr., star of The Marine 2. I become appalled at the fact that he does not come out to his father's theme music, which is probably one of the 5 or 10 best entrance themes of all time. Everybody has a price, damnit!!!

7:22 PM: Duke pulls away from Baylor for the win, but that doesn't stop Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife from continuing to give the bartender the business on her way out of the bar. Niki gets left stranded by her attempt at a high-five and a "Yay Duke!". Meanwhile, Fernandez DEMANDS that I mention that the triangles on Cody Rhodes'(son of Dusty) boots look like the Triforce from Legend of Zelda. Sean meanwhile mentions that Randy Orton(son of Cowboy Bob Orton) is about to "roid out", causing Dillman to point at Sean in faux seriousness and announces that he was about to "roid out".

7:30 PM: Orton lands a double DDT on Rhodes and Dibiase, which garners a round of golf claps from Fake Stone Cold and his Freak Show entourage. Orton then proceeds to pound the mat with his fists like he's having a seizure, which amuses Sean and Jarrett. Orton lands his finisher, The RKO, which gets a loud "YES!" from The Freak Show. Match over. Looman, who had been doing the Orton pose for two years as he walked into...well, anywhere, refuses to do the pose on his way to the bathroom. Lame.

7:37 PM: "Money In The Bank" match begins, causing us to wonder why Fernandez won't get his hair styled like Kofi Kingston's horse mane-like ponytail and also why Jarrett never changed his name to "Jack Swagger" nor "The Gold Standard". Disappointing.

7:41 PM: Announcer Michael Cole says "go through the back door", causing a series of chuckles from the table. It would the first of many homoerotic quotes from Cole. Also, quick side note. No Jim Ross for this event, which was a huge bummer. To me, an event of this magnitude needs someone like Ross to hyperventilate on call. In fact, next year, Jim Ross and Gus Johnson must commandeer the booth and become the first announce duo to spontaneously ejaculate in unison during a pay-per-view event since Lusty Busty Thrusty 3.

7:43 PM: Sean, Jarrett and I decide that all fantasy draft orders should now be decided via ladder match.

7:49 PM: Kane chucks a ladder out of the ring. Looman: "I hope it hit that guy in the front row with the Craig Ehlo jersey." Zing!

7:54 PM: Niki is glad the red, white and blue adorned Jack Swagger wins to vindicate Fantasia's OJ-style butchering of "America The Beautiful".

7:59 PM: Hall of Fame induction montage, which featured the late Stu Hart, which caused me to turn to Looman and ask "Stu Hart's dead?". The other key member in the Hall was "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase, who vindicated his yuppie son by ending his speech with his outstanding theme music(MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!) and then making it rain with 20's. Pacman Jones would be proud. Another note: Wendi Richter was also inducted. She was long before my time and she has to be well into her 50's but I would gladly reenact the Halle Berry-Billy Bob Thornton scenes from Monster's Ball with her......repeatedly.

8:03 PM: Niki makes her exit. Final numbers: 6 IP, 2 ER, 1 BB, 11 Ks......in a 6 hour, 3 min performance. Congrats on whoever bet the over.

8:10 PM: HHH-Sheamus unfolds. Sheamus goes by the moniker "The Celtic Warrior", which is relevant because the Celtics-Spurs game is on. Could be a big night for the Irish.

8:12 PM: Sheamus is so damn pale and Triple H is so damn tan that it looks like Rudy T vs Kermit Washington all over again. Also, who would have thought that Triple H would go on to have bigger tits than his wife, Stephanie McMahon? Another note on Triple H(one of all-time favorite wrestlers)....he'll be 41 in July. 41! Most running backs can't make it through 4 months of football after age 30. Hunter's getting fake-punched on a weekly basis into his 40's. I don't know whether to be impressed or discouraged.

8:22 PM: Both men are down on the mat, causing Sean to quip "It's like Rocky II". Dillman predicts Triple H is about to hit "The Pedigree".

8:24 PM: Triple H hits The Pedigree. Dillman: "I told you, motherfucker!" Match over. Celtics also get trounced by the Spurs. Worst night for the Irish since John Kennedy died. Sean, Fernandez, Jarrett and I wonder why there isn't a fantasy pro wrestling league and then wonders who would be the top pick. Dillman: "I'd take myself first."

8:30 PM: During CM Punk's pledge inwhich he denounces America's reliance on pharmaceuticals, Dillman screams out "Man's got a point!". Dillman than calls over the no-neck guy in the Marrella jersey to discuss Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels, set to take place later tonight.

8:37 PM: Dillman goes into rare form, discussing his love for Hulk Hogan and his disappointment in The Hulkster's current state: "What happened to the Hulk I loved? I would have married Hogan. Ric Flair? I would have only banged him." He's the best.

8:41 PM: Fernandez, fresh from a trip to the john: "I know the Wild wings aren't that hot anymore but you should still wash your hands before taking a piss. " Sage advice, kids.

8:44 PM: Montage leading up to Bret Hart-Vince McMahon match ends with Vince screaming "You deserve to be screwed!" That's something you yell at a hooker.

8:47 PM: Dillman's shining moment: "I'm calling it right now! Owen Hart is interfering in this match. He faked his death!". Meanwhile, the no-neck guy keeps telling everyone "You're fired!". I think he just pulled a muscle in his headneckshoulders.

8:50 PM: "You deserve a Wrestlemania sized screwing". I'm almost 100% sure Vince got this from one of Tiger Woods' text messages to his porn star mistress.

8:55 PM: Bret Hart: "Remember this as the night that Bret screwed Vince." Um...I'd rather not.

9:03 PM: Odd series of subliminally gay comments from announce booth during Hart-McMahon. King: "Is he waiting for Vince to get his second wind and give him some more?"

9:05 PM: King: "I don't know how McMahon's still conscious. I'd have passed out from the pain." Fernandez: "It's like watching 'Passion of the Christ' except less fake." Hitman wins in a rather uneventful beatdown. I don't know about you, but if I was waiting for 13 years to give the boss that screwed me over an asswhooping, I doubt it would just be a couple of shots with a steel chair. He'd look like Slater after the auto accident in the Zak Attack dream sequence.

9:09 PM: Attendence announced at 72,219 people....which has to be a far bigger number than the number of people who saw "The Tooth Fairy." Seriously though, how does The Rock turn down the chance to be a wrestling megastar to go to Hollywood and do movies like "Gridiron Gang", "The Gameplan" and "Tooth Fairy". Does Eddie Murphy approve his scripts?

9:23 PM: The Freak Show enjoys a round of shots, while the no-neck guy in the midriff recites the intro to the New Age Outlaws. It should be mentioned that these are grown ass men.

9:46 PM: 10-woman "Diva" tag team match on tap, which would be exciting if one team wasn't headlined by Beth Phoenix, a ghastly tranny looking woman who looks like she could play power forward for the Detroit Pistons. The other team is led by the widow of Eddie Guerrero, Vicki Guerrero, who is so hideous and overweight, one look at her and you see why Eddie killed himself. (Dillman: "I made that joke 5 minutes ago!")

9:55 PM: John Cena-Batista set to take place. Batista, armed with one of the best entrance songs in the company, walks the aisle in full badass mode with the exception of his trademark machine gun pyro. This would continue a trend started in the latter half of the PPV where some of the pyro gets skipped during the entrances and, rather than announce the names during the walk down, the announcer instead waits til both men enter the ring, the smoke clears and then introduces them one by one like in a boxing match. This wouldn't be a bad idea if not for the fact that the intros were not done by Michael Buffer. I'm willing to accept no intros during the theme music, if Buffer turns to Batista or whoever and says "And in this corner.......his record, an astonishing one......He IS the 6-time Heavyweight Champion of the Woorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrld! FORMER World Wrestling Entertainment Tag Team Champion! FORMER United States Champion! From the Nation's Capital........Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave "The Animal" Batiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiista!"(Note: this has to include Buffer's special tongue roll during the latin names. I want to feel like he's introducing Pablo Sandoval when he's talking about Batista.)

Cena comes out next. He has a pack of Marines doing a full-on salute, like a scene out of "Few Good Men". You would think he's trying to get Batista to cop to a Code Red. Now, I don't know John Cena's background, but I'll venture to say that his only stint in the Armed Forces was his role in the shitty action movie "The Marine". John, "The Marine" was years ago and it sucked out loud. You're not a Marine. Go back to the Marky Mark/wannabe gangsta rapper gimmick and entertain the crowd with some of your half-wit freestyles. The salutes and the camo is just plain disturbing. I'm sure the troops appreciate the support, but I don't think they'd mind if you stopped riding their coattails.

10:02 PM: John Cena vs. Batista lasts about 15 minutes. Now, I'm not the type of serious wrestling fan that goes nuts over wrestlers giving a lack of effort or the importance of good matches and other wrestling snobbery, but this was a world title match between perhaps the company's two biggest stars under the age of 40. Did they really need to rush through this so we could have nearly an hour of 45-year old Undertaker vs 44-year old Shawn Michaels? Just sayin'.

10:12 PM: During Jericho-Edge match, Sean insists I go home and tell Niki, with my pants down, to "Fear The Spear!". He's quite the romantic.

10:25 PM: Fake Stone Cold is gassed up about the final match of the night: Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels, a rematch of last year's critically acclaimed showdown. While pissing in the urinal, Fake Stone Cold rants about how he's tired of taking shit from these morons(pot meet kettle) who claim 'Taker is going to beat Michaels tonight. A drunk victory guarentee in the men's bathroom. Take that, Joe Namath!!!

10:30 PM: During Michaels' entrance, Fake Stone Cold downs two cans of Foster's. During the second one, he gets about half-finished before bashing the can against his head repeatedly. THIS is why you come to Wrestlemania at BDubs!

10:31 PM: Undertaker enters to the same ominous funeral music he's been walking out to for most of his career. Other than Chris Berman, has there been ANYONE who has gone as long with the same tired gimmick as The Undertaker has the past 20 years?

10:35 PM: Tombstone outside the ring forces medics to "check Michaels' pulse" by grabbing his inner thigh. This may be the gayest Wrestlemania EVER. Meanwhile, two side rants. One, the commentators clearly mastered Hyperbole 101 prior to tonight. First, they call McMahon screwing over Hart in Montreal 13 years ago "one of the biggest controversies of all-time", which may be true in the pro wrestling world but hardly registered a blip in the real world. Then, they proceed to give away match endings with tragically predictable foreshadowing, like talking up Michaels' career(which was at stake for this match) throughout the entire match and claiming how the World title has only changed hands once(which was done by John Cena) prior to the Cena-Batista bout.

Secondly, and this was a point I enforced on Twitter during the Tweet-a-thon, Shawn Micheals will be 45 in July. He's married with children. He's born again. Can we still call him "The Heartbreak Kid"? Don't you retire that moniker once you've tied the knot? Plus, after watching Michaels hobble around the ring for 40 minutes, the only thing broken appears to be his dignity. Thankfully, his career allegedly ends here......maybe.

10:40 PM: Series of near-falls have the hillbilly faithful in an uproar, even causing one guy to start kicking barstools. Really, man? It's just a fucking wrestling match? Do you have money on it? Is it THAT serious?

10:43 PM: HBK moonsault on top of 'Taker's leg destroys the table and causes King to yell out "'Taker's leg is snapped!". Mind you, this is being said while 'Taker is walking(albeit hobbled) into the ring.

10:45 PM: 'Taker pulls down the straps to his spandex, causing Fernandez to joke "You gotta let those babies breathe."

10:49 PM: Micheals kicks out of the first Tombstone, causing someone(either Cole or the equally horrible Matt Striker) to yelp: "Disbelief in 'Taker's eyes for the first time in his career." I know he's supposed to be "The Deadman" but he's not an actual zombie and this is also not the first time someone has kicked out of the Tombstone in 'Taker's career. Shit, Michaels got up from it just 20 minutes ago. Michaels goes from a grovel to a knee, pressing his face against 'Taker's legs, which leads me to believe he's about to blow 'Taker to avoid another piledriver. 'Taker demands Michaels "stay down", which is exactly what you would tell someone if you want them to administer the oral. Michaels instead bitchslaps him, which leads me to quote Charlie Murphy: "First of all, you don't slap a man! Even in the old times when it was fashionable like 'I challenge you to a duel'. There would be a gunfight afterward! SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO GO!"

10:51 PM: 'Taker drops Michaels with another Tombstone for his 18th straight Wrestlemania win, as the Freak Show mobs Fake Stone Cold due to his Michaels victory guarentee going awry. Somewhere, a bottle of champagne is still on ice as the family of Bruno Sanmartino watches in disgust. Afterward, The Freak Show bow to 'Taker and chant "18-0". I continue to shake my head. Nobody should take any form of entertainment THIS seriously, especially when the combatants are fake hitting each other and the storyline is scripted. People weren't even this moved when Rocky beat Apollo Creed. Why? Because it was a damn movie!

10:53 PM: Michaels does the Pete Rose wave around the ring, while tears well up in his eyes. The man's had more fake retirements than Floyd Mayweather Jr and Brett Favre combined. We've seen this show before. The crowd at BDubs claps in unison as if they just seen the greatest fight in their lives. Truth be told, it was two old fogeys staggering around the ring while the commentators talked up every move like they were about to let loose with the jizz. The overexaggeration got so bad during the final stretch that it became comical.

As for Michaels' farewell? The camera, whether intentionally or not, catches him telling the crowd he'll be retiring in 3 weeks. Then why did we just watch this match? I thought once you agreed to retire if you lose, that you retire WHEN YOU LOSE. I wasn't aware there was an amnesty period for retirements once you bet the house and fail. Maybe that's just me.

11:00 PM The show finally ends and the place clears out like roaches when the lights come on. It was a rather disappointing show, both the event itself and the people in attendence. Any shot at long lines was shot down by the combination of the NASCAR cancellation(which would have made seats scarce since, theoretically, everyone watching the race would stay for the PPV) and the rain(since it's widely known that rednecks hate water). There were no college kids dressed up like their favorite wrestler. The best we got was Fake Stone Cold in his doo-rag(which is a no-no amongst white people....Eminem included.) and a couple idiots in cowboy hats. All in all, my hope of turning this into an 11-hour commentary about the stupidity of hardcore wrestling nuts went awry and turned out to be a bigger disappointment than "The Marriage Ref".

When the dust settled, it was Fake Stone Cold and his freak show, our group and one other table. With the juke box back on, Fake Stone Cold's no-neck tag team partner made some surprising music selections:

"In My Life" - Juvenile, "Renegades" - Jay-Z/Eminem, "Drop The World" - Lil Wayne/ Eminem and a Jay-Z cover of "Forever Young" by Alphaville that would have undoubtedly drove Niki into a murderous rampage. By midnight, we left the building and headed home and I scoured through my book of notes trying to spool together a worthy re-telling of a night that was every bit as lackluster as the show we came to see.