Say My Name

With all the new school technological advancements that have evolved the world of sports, there's one old-school aspect that needs a little sprucing up: Nicknames. Back in the day, you had monikers like "Chocolate Thunder" (Daryl Dawkins), "The Human Highlight Reel" (Dominique Wilkins), and even homo-erotic nicknames like "Sweetness" (Walter Payton). Nowadays, a man's alias is either his initials like L.T., a combination of his first initial and the first three letters of his last name like T-Mac or A-Rod or a combination of initials and jersey number like CP3 or AK-47(though the latter isn't that bad). Now, there are some good modern day ones like "The Akron Hammer" (LeBron James, though that name hasn't gone over so well with some Cavs fans, especially my friend Andre) or "The Brim Reaper" (Former Orioles closer George Sherill), but those have been the exception and not the rule. That's why I decided to take it upon myself to hand out nicknames for a few stars.

1. Chris Bosh: "Avatar". I owe this one to my friend Mike, who mentioned on Facebook that Bosh looked like someone out of Pandora in the movie "Avatar". Think about it though. Bosh is tall, skinny, he has those wild Predator mini-dreads and his cheek bones poke out like a mid-80's Michael Jackson. Besides, he plays for a team that was named the Raptors because of the huge success of the movie "Jurassic Park", why shouldn't its biggest star be named after the biggest movie in years? You can't give Bosh a name like "Air Canada" like the last star in Toronto, Vince Carter, because Bosh might be leaving Canada before The Olympics if the Raptors decide to trade him. However, if Bosh does re-up with the Raps, I can be talked into calling him "The Mountie".

2. Kevin Durant: "Kid Dynamite". Even the cast of "Jersey Shore" wouldn't have come up with nickname as horrid as Durant's current moniker, "The Durant-chula". That's just horrible. "Kid Dynamite" fits Durant because he's young(21) and he's explosive. Sometimes, it's just that simple. Also, the alias "Kid Dynamite" has some lineage. Early in his career, Mike Tyson was christened "Kid Dynamite" because he was young and explosive as well(although at the time, he was explosive IN the ring, as opposed to now being explosive OUT of it). Inevitably, Tyson's PR people saddled him with the more apt "Iron" Mike Tyson. That leaves "Kid Dynamite" up for grabs, and who better than one of the three best players in the NBA?

3. Dwight Howard: "Doomsday". Look, Dwight, you can't be Superman. Shaq was Superman when you were shittin' in your Pampers. Now, in your defense, you have done far more with the Superman title than Shaq ever did(the red cape at the Slam Dunk contest, the outstanding ESPN commercial where you dressed as Clark Kent) and I know Shaq is a role model of yours, but you didn't see Kobe and LeBron rush to take the "Air" from Jordan when #23 finally hung them up, did you? Now, comic mavens like my friend Cubbage will know that Doomsday was one of Superman's arch-nemesis and is one of the only comic book characters to kill Superman. Now, obviously, Dwight, we don't want you to kill Shaq.....his conditioning will do that for you. However, if you and Shaq are going to be rivals for the Superman crown, why not let him be Superman and you can be the more physically imposing Doomsday? Imagine the pub you'll get in the time between now and when Shaq is inevitably traded to the Wizards.

4. Peyton Manning: "The Machine". With all due respect to Cards' slugger Albert Pujols, who has been called "The Machine" on occasion by sportscasters and local media, nobody fits that alias more to a T than Peyton Manning. He's methodical in his diagnosis of a defense. He possesses a laser, rocket arm. His post-game interviews sound like they were written by Johnny 5. Hell, he even runs like a robot. All great players need a nickname. Joe Montana was "Joe Cool". Wayne Gretzky was "The Great One". Hank Aaron was "Hammerin' Hank". With Manning coming closer and closer to "Greatest QB of All-Time" status, he, too, requires a nickname and with his robotic cliches and Windows 7-like precision, I think "The Machine" is apt.

5. Adrian Peterson: "The A-Train". OK, it's not the most original nickname, but shouldn't something as catchy as "A-Train" go to someone a bit more skilled than the last two men to carry the title, Anthony Thomas and Mike Alstott? Running backs are meant to be named after motorized vehicles because they are the perfect combination of size and speed. That's why "The Bus" works so well for Jerome Bettis. Now, to be fair, I've never been a train that fumbles its passengers before take off, so maybe A.P. is going to have to earn this one, but with his blazing speed and violent, hard-charging running style, "The A-Train" has to be much better than A.P. or All Day, right?

6. Drew Brees: "The NOLA Assassin". As fun as it is to yell out "Drew Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeees" when Brees lights it up, it's going to get old at the rate Brees hurls touchdown passes. Brees and his arsenal like to strike quick and go for the jugular on every play, like an assassin. The Saints' offense as a whole is known for getting in the end zone fast and their style of play resembles an NBA fast break. "NOLA", in case you are slow, stands for New Orleans, Louisiana, which(again, if you're slow) is where Brees has achieved legendary status. I also can be talked into "Mighty Mouse", but only with written certification from Damon Stoudemire.

7. Derrick Rose: "Sub-Zero". For those who remember the legendary game "Mortal Kombat", you would recognize was one of the game's icy killers(yes, pun intended). He froze his victims with blast of ice, and, when the time came, ripped off their heads and dangled their spine. Derrick Rose, the brilliant Bulls point guard, is also an icy killer. Cool, calm, unassuming but deadly, like someone with ice in his veins. Now, those well-versed on their slang game know that the word "cold" is typically used to describe something heartless or emotionless. The word "cold" is also used, mainly be Chicago residents, to describe something awesome or nice(thank you, Urban Dictionary). Rose is both of those things: a heartless point man who plays defenses like the cello with ridiculously sick skills. Plus, it's better than the inevitable D-Rose moniker.

8. Albert Pujols: "Terminator". Since we gave "The Machine" to Peyton, it's only right we give Fat Albert a new nickname and what better than the ultimate killing machine. Pujols' once-in-a-lifetime tools(superior hand-eye coordination, uncanny speed on the bases for a big man, hits the ball like he's swinging an oak tree) make him as intimidating to pitchers as Ah-nold was in the Terminator movies. He diagnoses pitches like an android and annihilates a fastball like it was shot out of a water pistol. Plus, a devastating hitter like Pujols deserves a moniker fitting of someone who brings carnage on a day-to-day basis.

Other honorable mentions:

*Shaquille O'Neal: "Seaweed" . Because he's washed up.

*LaDainian Tomlinson: "Blown Fuse" - Because he can no longer carry a charge(or charger).

*Alex Rodriguez: "Capri Sun". Since he's filled with juice and might be a tad fruity.

*Tim Lincecum and Ricky Williams: "Bluntman and Chronic". Self-explanatory.

Now, some of you will wonder why nobody from the NHL made an appearance and the reasons are two-fold: 1. Nobody really cares about hockey and 2. The two most recognizable NHL stars already have sufficient nicknames Sid "The Kid" Crosby and Alexander "The Great" Ovechkin.