Cut His Mic Off

"Bill's not worth a shit. I love him.....but I wanted - they were on my ass so bad. J's gotta have a yes man. So to get this fuckin' stadium, I need to bring his ass in."

-- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, about former head coach Bill Parcells in a video originally posted by Deadspin.




I get a lot of flack for being harsh against the Cowboys and many of the people who read this website think I have it out for "America's Team." That may be half-true. After all, I grew up a Packers fan and the Cowboys, during the early to mid-90's, were the Texas-sized wall that Brett Favre and company couldn't seem to barrel their way through. As a child, that tends to piss you off. Comments like this don't help, either. Now, again, maybe I'm blowing this drunken conversation that Jones had with a fellow bar patron out of proportion and a lot of my dislike over what was said may stem from my general dislike of Jones as well as my unconditional respect for Parcells(I mean, we're both Jersey Italians. You have to stick with your paisans, capice?)

Maybe Jones' comments were a mixture of a half-hearted attempt at a joke and a large amount of Jack Daniels. That doesn't take away from the fact that it's a really fucking stupid comment. Forgetting Parcells' pre-Cowboys resume and ignoring what he's done so far with Miami(including today's deal for Broncos WR Brandon Marshall, which I will explain the significance of shortly), Parcells is largely responsible for putting together the perennial playoff contender that Facelift Jerry reaps the benefits from while sitting in the press box of his new billion-dollar cathedral that he needed Parcells to build.

Quarterback Tony Romo, whom Jones called a "miracle" in this interview, came to town in 2003. Who had the instinct to cast his glims on a skinny, no-name kid out of Eastern Illinois and tab him as his QB of the future? Bill Parcells. Who went to the undrafted well once again and found a tall, speedy kid out of Monmouth named Miles Austin, who would eventually become the team's top receiver? Bill Parcells. Who shocked some by taking a pass-rusher out of Troy named DeMarcus Ware over the more heralded Shawne Merriman? Bill Parcells. Who took a chance on a slow-footed tight end out of the University of Tennessee named Jason Witten? Bill Parcells. CB Terrence Newman, WR Patrick Crayton, DE Marcus Spears, C Andre Gurode, LB Jason Witten NT Jay Ratliff, do you know what they have in common? They are current Cowboy lynchpins who were brought in by Bill Parcells.

Look, I don't know what goes on behind close doors in that Cowboys' locker room. Maybe Parcells is a prick of Flozell Adams proportions. Sure, Jones had somewhat of a say in Parcells' gems, but look at Jones post-Tuna moves. There was complete homer moment when he took fellow Razorback alum Felix Jones(who can't seem to stay on the field but is still somehow pegged to start over Marion Barber this upcoming season) over emerging Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall. "The Cat" was taken by the first rounder the Cowboys pilfered from Cleveland in the previous year's Brady Quinn trade. Facelift Jerry also managed to con the division-rival Eagles to move out of the first round so they could select Anthony Spencer(the Eagles would end up with current QB Kevin Kolb). In theory, that would be considered a sly move except that the recent maneuvers by the Eagles have shown that they've been operating while asleep at the wheel and, while Kolb's sample size is small, it's more promising than that of Spencer's(who has 10.5 sacks in 3 years, 6 of which coming last season while Ware was taking up double teams on the other side).

The move that takes the cake, however, was Jerry's ridiculously stupid trade for current disenfranchised wide receiver Roy Williams. In desperate need for another weapon for his "miracle" quarterback, Jerry got taken to the cleaners by the Lions as Jerry traded a 1st, 3rd and a 5th to Detroit in exchange for Williams and a 7th round pick (Those picks, in case you care, turned out to be TE Brandon Pettigrew, WR Derrick Williams and RB Aaron Brown for Detroit, while Dallas got DT Vance Walker with their 7th rounder from the Lions). Jerry then gave Williams a 6-year, $54 million deal with $26 million of it guaranteed. How did Williams repay Jones? By catching all of 19 passes for 198 yards and a touchdown in 10 games in his first season, then following that up with 38 catches for 596 yards and 7 TDs in his first full season last year. Meanwhile, Austin surpassed Williams on the depth chart and, in between griping about his lack of touches, Williams routinely showed off his hands that were dipped in wet cement. Compare that to Parcells acquiring Marshall(who, while mercurial, has had 100+ catches in three straight seasons) for a 2nd round pick in 2010 and 2011. Can you really say someone isn't worth shit when he's just stole a better receiver for about half of what you paid for a guy who can't catch a cold?

So, sure, Cowboys fans will say I'm being hard on their boys again, but with bullshit like this, what choice do I have? I ignored the comments about Tim Tebow that Jones made because it's not like half of the league aren't doubting Tebow's ability to transition to the pros as well and I'm not sure whether "J needs a yes man" is Jones referring to himself in the third person or not, so I avoided that, too. Jerry Jones deserves to have some choice words for Bill Parcells, but it should be a "thank you", instead of a "fuck you".

From Hero to Zero

Usually, a fan base would be relieved when their franchise quarterback is able to beat a rape charge that could have put a significant dent into his career. In Pittsburgh, that doesn't seem to be the case. Fresh off the Georgia DA announcing they were unable to sack Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger on his latest sexual assault allegation, folks in and around the Steel City have lined up to continue laying their licks on Big Ben. Steelers legend Terry Bradshaw spoke out against Roethlisberger, stating that the two aren't exactly the best of buddies among other jabs thrown at Ben(although Ben shouldn't worry too much about a battle of wits with the unarmed). Heralded Pittsburgh journalist Bob Smizik wrote this week that the Steelers should cut their losses with the suddenly-troubled, two-time Super Bowl-winning QB and trade him ASAP. Blogs and sports radio stations have been flooded by angry Steelers fans either chastising Roethlisberger or echoing Smizik's sentiment in regards to a trip out of town.

When I wrote about a month ago that the league should stop sitting on its hands and punish Big Ben already, never did I believe that there would actually be some drum-beating for Pittsburgh's golden child to be on the first thing smoking. However,a lot has happened since that post was written. Longtime Eagles QB Donovan McNabb was traded from Philly to Washington. Roethlisberger's teammate/SB MVP Steeler Santonio Holmes was traded. So was Brandon Marshall from Denver to Miami. All three men have one thing in common: They were talented stars who wore out their welcome with the fans and city they played for. Roethlisberger has reached that point. Adding to that point is the fact that we're a little over a week away from the NFL Draft and fans with too much time on their hands see all this big name movement and start hatching conspiracy theories.

The McNabb and Marshall trades, though, weren't exactly a surprise. Many expected Marshall to be dealt at some point after his antics during training camp and McNabb has seemingly been on the trading block his entire career. The exile of Holmes, who like Roethlisberger was a former Steelers hero who had acrued quite the checkered rap sheet, was seen as punishment for Holmes' mistakes as well as a subliminal message to Big Ben. Once Holmes was dealt and Roethlisberger wasn't, the inevitable race card that I wrote about a month ago(and that ESPN's Jemele Hill had reinforced) got placed onto the table. Suddenly, the NFL's most race-friendly organization was having its morals called into question. Do I think Roethlisberger's a Steeler and Holmes is a Jet because Ben's white and Santonio's black? Of course not. Holmes was in the last year of his deal, while Roethlisberger just signed an eight-year, $102 million extension two years ago. Holmes also plays a position that is a bit easier to replace. As Browns and Raiders fans will tell you, franchise quarterbacks that can win you multiple Super Bowls before their 27th birthday don't grow on trees. However, those desperate enough to play the race card aren't trying to hear that. As far as the two men are concerned, both are pro athletes that screwed up but it was the black guy that got run out of town. To them, they see a guy like Jay Cutler get dealt in the middle of his prime and wonder "Why can't we do that with Big Ben?".

That's another thing fueling the Trade Ben parade: The precedent set by the Broncos trading Cutler to Chicago for two first round picks, a 3rd round pick and QB Kyle Orton. All of a sudden, a franchise QB in his mid-20's had a price tag. The problem with that thought process is that Jay Cutler, while superbly-talented, never led the Broncos to anything of substance. It's much easier to deal a potential franchise quarterback in his prime by reasoning with yourself and your fan base that said quarterback can't take you to the Promised Land. That was part of the reason behind McNabb's upheaval. The Eagles knew McNabb was only taking them but so far. As for Roethlisberger, the price tag has to be a bit higher for a guy who won two rings within his first four seasons in the league, even if that guy the kind of glaring public warts that Big Ben has.

If a player like Cutler is worth three high picks and a fringe starting QB, what is Roethlisberger worth? Two 1sts, a 2nd and a player of note? Who wants to pay that price for somebody with the history of well-publicized brain farts as Roethlisberger? As rare as Roethlisberger's accomplishments are, he's not the type of guy you sell the farm for. In a Madden-dominated world, it's easy for fans to conjure up Godfather offers. Their jobs aren't the ones that are at stake when things go awry. Eventhough Roethlisberger has managed to dodge this latest charge and has a decent chance of beating the other rape beef, he's still the same guy who followed his first Super Bowl with a near-fatal motorcycle accident and followed his second Super Bowl with the kind of headlines that keep Roger Goodell up at nights. If Roethlisberger is staring at a 2-game suspension now(which I think is light, four would suffice. These aren't exactly DUIs, they're rape charges and if you listen closely to what the Georgia DA said when he announced he wasn't pressing charges, it sounded more like a man who didn't think he could win rather than someone who believed Roethlisberger was innocent), who knows what happens if Big Ben screws up again(not that I'm saying that that's a certainty but, after these last few months, it's certainly possible).

Look, I like Ben Roethlisberger. He could've very easily shown the immaturity that led him to forget his bike helmet or led him to two mysterious liasons with these estranged women and went ballistic over the media criticism, Big Papi-style. Instead, much like he does on the field, Roethlisberger stood tall and took the hits. Do I think Pittsburgh has the stones to deal their former face of the franchise? No, but had you told me after the Broncos fired Mike Shanahan that Jay Cutler would be following him out of the door three months later, I probably wouldn't have believed that was possible either. In a 24/7 news world where bloggers, journalists and fans alike need something to fan the flames on the hottest daily headlines, it doesn't take much for a rumor to gain enough steam to become reality. The fact of the matter is Big Ben isn't the son of Pittsburgh he was at this time two years ago. He went from never having to buy a drink to never being allowed within 50 feet of your daughter. The parade that once led Roethlisberger as a Steel Curtain legend has now become the train hoping to lead Roethlisberger out of town, and it will take a lot more than a few dropped charges to change that fact.

Tiki Bumbler

As the Boom Roasted Sports resident Giants fan and tepid UVA homer it falls to me to me to discuss Tiki and his pompous dumbassery.

When Tiki was playing, in college and in the pros, I never rooted for a player more than I rooted for him. For many reasons, some irrational, I was wrapped up in his success on the field. He was easily my favorite football player during his playing days. In fact, by the time he retired I was calling him my all-time favorite player, over Barry Sanders. Congrats Barry, you're back to #1.

Until I attended college I was not a die-hard fan of any football school. I attended a Division 1-AA school so I still don't have a passion for any 1-A school but have always pulled for UVA because of growing up in Virginia. Now UVA is in my backyard and I've upgraded my fandom of them to half-hearted. The point is, Tiki played for the only 1-A football school I have even half cared about. He was starring at UVA when I was playing football in high school. This was also the time in their history that the school saw the most success, including their famous 33-28 victory over then #2 ranked Florida State, in Charlottesville, in a nationally televised Thursday night game, in 1995, coincidentally the last year they won the ACC.

I won't regurgitate the statistics of what he did with the Giants, but I don't think it's an overstatement to say that from 2000 until he retired following the 2006 season he was the team's most important offensive player and from 2004 to 2006 he put together one of the best three year runs, statistically, that the NFL has ever seen.

There was also a four-year run, from '03 to '06, that he was on my highest stakes fantasy football team. Again, that might sound ridiculous but I'm a fantasy football nerd and to me his success was important.

The cherry on top of the Tiki-love sundae I was making came on December 30, 2006. I was in attendance for what would be his final regular season game, against the rival Washington Redskins, and one of his best statistical games of his career (234 yards rushing, 34 yards receiving, 3 touchdowns). The game was in Washington and on top of everything else the Giants needed to win to get into the playoffs. They won 36-28 and because everything wrapped up in that game I still say that it was the single greatest sporting event I have ever attended.

Then he retired......

The first thing he did to ingratiate himself to his fans was blast Eli Manning during the following season. I don't remember the exact quotes but essentially he questioned Eli's leadership. All Eli did that season was lead the Giants to a Super Bowl victory over the previously unbeaten Patriots. I really think the Giants don't win that Super Bowl if Tiki is still on the team. Not having Tiki's ego (nor an injured Jeremy Shockey's for that matter) on field allowed him to loosen up and play football.

Then Tiki published that completely arrogant and self-aggrandizing autobiography. The book (yes I read it and still have my copy) basically had two themes; One, I (Tiki) love my family, but only my twin brother Ronde, my mom, my wife, and my kids. Two, look at me, I'm so smart and so good-looking and so talented and so hard-working that I deserve all the money, fame, and success I have. To use a word thrown around all the Tiger stories, Tiki feels entitled.

Then it comes out this week that he is leaving his pregnant wife, of 11 years, for a 23-year-old former intern to whom he has been giving the deep dickens for some time. I almost have no words for this. He goes on in his book about how much he loves Ginny and how he had to chase her in college and how she was the one person not impressed by him. Well, turns out she was right. I hope that homewrecker makes him happy, especially because hopefully his big NBC checks and half of his Giants money are going to Ginny and his boys for a long time. I hope Ginny names the twins with which she is pregnant Brandon and Jacob, a move that would be reminiscent of when Tom Brady's baby mamma named their son John Edward Thomas. (J-E-T)

I have never liked and pulled for a player as much I did Tiki when he was playing which makes him becoming such an entitled egotistical scumbag after retiring so disappointing.

NFL Mock Draft Version 1.0

Usually, I do one and only one mock draft and it's normally posted the day before the Draft. However, this year, I decided to post a rough draft(or a rough mock draft...whichever makes sense to you) to have something to compare to when the final draft is done two weeks from now. Here's how I see the NFL Draft's 1st round shaking out as of right now:

1. St. Louis Rams: Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma - The only thing that may have stood in the way of Bradford coming to Nellyville would be if Notre Dame QB Jimmy Clausen put on a Pro Day for the ages(he didn't) or if Nebraska DT Ndomakong Suh somehow ran a 4.2 40 at HIS Pro Day(um, I'd say that didn't happen either). Bradford wowed scouts at his Pro Day and only needs to dot a few I's and cross a few T's on his rookie contract to become the 1st name called by Commissioner Goodell. I'll be the first to admit I have my doubts about Bradford going #1. Even with his stellar post-surgery workout, I question whether his surgically-repaired right shoulder can hold up behind THAT offensive line against an actual defense. There's also the issue of Bradford playing mostly from the shotgun at OU. I understand the pick, but if it was my call, Ndomakong Suh would be looking for real estate in St. Louis right now.

2. Detroit Lions: Ndomakong Suh, DT, Nebraska - Instead, Suh will be looking for a house in Motown(something tells me he should be able to find one). Suh was not only the most dominant defensive player in the college ranks last year, but he's the best prospect we've seen in years and seriously deserved to hoist the Heisman Trophy instead of Alabama RB Mark Ingram. Some mocks have the Lions finally filling their hole at left tackle with either Oklahoma State's Russell Okung or Oklahoma's Trent Williams. Those aren't bad moves, in theory, but I can't co-sign passing on Suh. He's a disruptive defensive force and, under the tutelage of defensive maestro Jim Schwartz, can turn this Lions D from a laughing stock to an intimidating force. In a division where all three division rivals will sling it, it would be wise to have an interior force like Suh to get in the faces of the Aaron Rodgers, Jay Cutler and Brett Favres of the world.

3. Tampa Bay Bucs: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma - McCoy was the big name during last year's preseason and, by all means, he lived up to his billing. However, when Oklahoma took a nose dive after Bradford's injury, McCoy's star was overshadowed by Suh's(especially after the Big 12 championship when Suh chased Colt McCoy like Colt owed him money). McCoy flying under the radar certainly benefits the Bucs, who get the interior pass rush they haven't had since Warren Sapp left. Tennessee safety Eric Berry could warrent some consideration here if, for some reason, McCoy and Suh are gone when Tampa goes on the clock, but right now it looks like McCoy will be a Buccaneer.

4. Washington Redskins: Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State - With 6-time Pro Bowl QB Donovan McNabb now in the nation's capital, the 'Skins can now shift their focus from the Clausen/Bradford duo and to the more logical need: Left tackle. With Pro Bowl LT Chris Samuels retired due to injury, the team needs someone to watch McNabb's blind side(cue Sandra Bullock joke). Okung is widely considered the top offensive line prospect in this draft, with insanely long arms, solid quickness and elite strength. There's talk that Trent Williams is a better fit and, if that's the case, he's the call here, but the Redskins should not look anywhere beyond those two men unless some wild scenario occurs that drops Suh into their lap.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa - From a "best player available" standpoint, Eric Berry makes the most sense here. However, KC pit boss Scott Pioli believes in positional value over taking the best available player(a gameplan emphasized by his taking Tyson Jackson over Aaron Curry last year). With franchise face Matt Cassell getting sacked 42 times last year, it became clear that former 1st rounder Branden Albert is better suited to play guard than left tackle and that the team needed to bring in an elite pass protector in a Draft chock-full of them. Enter Bulaga, who handled Georgia Tech pass rush dynamo Derrick Morgan superbly in the Orange Bowl. Some project Bulaga a bit lower(in the 9-12 range) and might consider Trent Williams a bit better, but Pioli is good friends with Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz and Ferentz's advice may be enough to push Bulaga ahead of Williams. Either way, the Chiefs will go left tackle....if they stay at 5.

6. Seattle Seahawks: Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma - Again, Eric Berry makes a ton of sense here, given how abysmal the Seahawk's pass D was and new head coach Pete Carroll's affinity for defensive backs but with so many teams in the top 10 needing a stud left tackle, there is no guarentee that one will be left when Seattle goes back on the clock at 14. Williams has skyrocketed up draft boards thanks to some great workouts and a great Combine(4.88 in the 40, for starters). With Walter Jones' status uncertain, the Seahawks need a quality left tackle and will be more than happy with whomever is left from the Okung/Bulaga/Williams triumvirate. The pick could still be Berry, an all-world safety who is considered the next Ed Reed, but the safer option would be to take the tackle now rather than later.

7. Cleveland Browns: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee - Here's where the Jimmy Clausen Watch begins. With two of the teams believed to be in the Clausen Sweepstakes addressing their QB needs(Washington with McNabb, Seattle with Charlie Whitehurst....Yes, THAT Charlie Whitehurst), Clausen's ceiling is probably 7 after a solid but not outerworldly Pro Day. The reason I don't see Clausen going to Cleveland is that new GM Mike Holmgren already doled out $7 million to make Jake Delhomme his starter(for some reason) and spent the entire offseason cleaning up the QB mess left by the old regime, dealing Brady Quinn to Denver and cutting Derek Anderson. You really think he'll spend 7th overall pick money on Clausen, a good but not great QB prospect, when he's already paying Delhomme? Me neither. Do I think Cleveland will take a QB in the Draft? Absolutely, but it will be Colt McCoy or Tony Pike before it will ever be Jimmy Clausen. As for Berry, with Sheldon Brown now in town, the team can further improve its pass defense by eschewing CB and taking a ball-hawk like Berry. Berry led all defensive backs in the 40-yard dash(extremely impressive for a safety) and comes highly recommended from former Vols DC Monte Kiffin(who happens to know a thing or two about defense). If Berry slips here, Holmgren may have netted himself the steal of the draft.

8. Oakland Raiders: Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland - This pick seemed to be locked up the minute Campbell blew people away at the Combine. Campebll ran a 4.85 and benched 225 pounds 34 times, this despite his abnormally long 36 inch arms. Campbell is a bit raw and there are questions about his motivation(making him the perfect Al Davis pick) but you can't teach his size(6'6, 314) and there's no doubting the Raiders need someone to protect whomever is taking snaps under center. USF's Jason Pierre-Paul, a high rising defensive end who also tore up the Combine, may also get some consideration but I'd be shocked if Davis doesn't go back-to-back Terps with his 1st round pick.

9. Buffalo Bills: Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee - This seems to be the most logical spot for Clausen to go. After all, the Bills need a strong-armed QB for the gusts of upstate New York and Clausen fits that bill and, theoretically, Clausen should be gone by now. However, I just can't wrap my head around Clausen being a top 10 pick. Many champion Clausen's arm and his experience in a pro offense, but those are the same qualities scouts loved in Brady Quinn(who also dropped in the Draft). Clausen's intangibles, including sketchy leadership ability and questionable maturity make him suspect to me and his Pro Day didn't exactly make me think he's the second coming of John Elway. On top of that, the Bills are moving to a 3-4 defense, where a nose tackle is paramount to dominate the point of attack. Currently, nobody on the roster fits the nose tackle mold and it would be awfully risky for the Bills to pass up Williams and hope a big body is there later in the draft. I'll admit 9 is a bit high for Williams and, certainly, this could change to Clausen by time a week from Wednesday rolls around, but until I hear different, I think Clausen gets passed Buffalo.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech - You would think, after using two high picks on Derrick Harvey and Quentin Moses and also signing Aaron Kampman, that the Jags would look elsewhere at this spot. Certainly, they could. Florida CB Joe Haden, who rebounded from a bad Combine with a great Pro Day, is an option here. So is Oklahoma St. WR Dez Bryant. Another dark horse is Clemson RB C.J. Spiller. However, with the AFC South becoming more pass-happy, the Jags need to continue to boost the pass rush. After all, Kampman's 30 and coming off a torn ACL and Harvey clearly isn't getting it done. Jason Pierre-Paul could be the pick here instead of Morgan, but the Jags may be scared away by JPP's stigma of being a "one-year wonder".

11. Denver Broncos(from Chicago) - Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama - Had the Broncos not traded their 1st rounder to Seattle for CB Alphonso Smith, they could be looking at the possibility of either McClain or Haden here and perhaps Dez Bryant at 14. Instead, they'll be picking at 11 with the Bears pick obtained in the Jay Cutler trade and they would fit a mighty big hole by selecting McClain here. Some are down on McClain(dropping him as far as Pittsburgh at 18 in some mocks) and his insistence on playing in a 3-4 may also hurt his stock, but he's an instinctive inside linebacker who knows how to get into the backfield. With Andra Davis cut and a severe lack of depth at middle linebacker, McClain makes tremendous sense here. Of course, if WR Brandon Marshall is traded, then Dez Bryant makes sense here too, as does freakish safety Taylor Mays. For now, however, McClain(despite the recent trend of MLBs falling in the Draft) is the pick for Denver.

12. Miami Dolphins: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE/OLB, USF - Many want to see Dez Bryant come to South Beach, but Bill Parcells has taken a wideout in the first round twice in his GM career(and one was Terry Glenn, who he had to be talked into taking). With Joey Porter cut and Jason Taylor on his way to the Jets, the Dolphins suddenly are without an edge rusher. JPP might be a Vernon Gholston-type workout warrior who benefited from a strong season of playing opposite the more notable George Selvie at USF, but he still has the always tantalizing "upside". Parcells loves drafting LBs and JPP fits that bill. Parcells also likes defensive backs and now has a huge hole at safety with Gibril Wilson gone, so don't be surprised if the Phins reach for Texas S Earl Thomas or USC's Taylor Mays.

13. San Francisco 49ers: Joe Haden, CB, Florida - Another team that could land Clausen is the Niners, who sent away former starter Shaun Hill and now have nothing behind oft-injured, former top pick Alex Smith(No, David Carr doesn't count as a suitable backup). However, the Niners had to bench high-priced corner Nate Clements last year because of his ineffectiveness and some new blood in the secondary would certainly be welcomed. A back sprain caused Haden to run slower than normal at the Combine, but he made up for it at his Pro Day when he ran a 4.4 on a wet surface at Florida. That should be enough to get San Fran to call Haden's name at this spot, but don't be surprised if they opt for Clemson RB C.J. Spiller, just so they don't have to see him twice a year in a Seahawks uni.

14. Seattle Seahawks(from Denver): C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson - Spiller and Seattle are the perfect marriage of talent and need. The Seahawks haven't found a suitable every down back since re-signing Shaun Alexander's rotting corpse a few years ago and then shipping it off to see. Spiller, meanwhile, has been the top back in the Draft for months and hammered down that status with a 4.27 40 at the Combine. A bit small at 5'11, 196 lbs, Spiller makes up for it with great vision and speed. He also can be a valuable asset in the return game, something the 'Hawks desperately need with Nate Burleson gone. Speaking of which, with Burleson gone as well as Deion Branch, the Seahawks suddenly are in need of a wideout to play opposite overpriced loudmouth T.J. Houshmanzadeh, so don't be shocked to see Dez Bryant here if Spiller is unavailable or if Seattle isn't enamored with the Clemson back.

15. New York Giants: Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Missouri - Linebacker has been a position largly ignored early in the draft by Big Blue, a mistake that has been exploited over the years. While some(including Gabe) would love to see Rolando McClain in the Big Apple, the versatile Sean Weatherspoon is actually the better fit for new DC Perry Fewell's Cover 2. Able to play inside or outside, Weatherspoon can either replace Antonio Pierce as the D's leader at middle linebacker or fill one the Giants' holes on the outside. With DE Osi Umenyora on the outs, don't be surprised if the Giants try for a DE like Carlos Dunlap of Florida to try to send Osi a message. A DT like UCLA's Brian Price could be interesting as well, with former starter Fred Robbins now in St. Louis.

16. Tennessee Titans: Everson Griffen, DE, USC - One thing the Titans love is physical freaks of nature and Everson Griffen fits that bill. At 6'3, 268 pounds, Griffen ran a 4.59 in the 40 at his Pro Day. With Kyle Vanden Bosch and Jevon Kearse gone, the Titans need someone to come off the edge to put pressure on the likes of Peyton Manning and Matt Schaub. This pick could be the start of a big DL coup for Tennessee as they are also in talks with Washington about bringing back former Pro Bowl DT Albert Haynesworth. A Griffen-Hayneworth combo would be formidable, but if the Titans don't go DE, look for them to try their hand at a corner like Boise St.'s Kyle Wilson or even Rutgers' Devin McCourty(who would be reunited with his twin brother, Jason).

17. San Francisco 49ers(from Carolina): Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers -Why, yes, I do have the Niners passing on Jimmy Clausen twice. Look, I have nothing against Clausen but the Niners have bigger needs here. Anthony Davis was once considered a Top 5 pick but saw his stock plummet after issues over his weight and preparation. A solid left tackle with huge upside, Davis' biggest troubles have been motivation and conditioning, which shouldn't be a problem under head coach Mike Singletary(just ask Vernon Davis). After giving up 40 sacks, the Niners cannot continue to pass up on fixing the offensive line(which they did last year when they passed on Michael Oher for holdout Michael Crabtree). With Davis manning the right side under Drill Sargent Mike's supervision, the team can finally see what they have in Alex Smith now that he has time to throw.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Iupati, G, Idaho - The Steelers O-Line has been a weakness for years, perhaps never more so than last year when they gave up 50 sacks. While some of that can be attributed to QB Ben Roethlisberger's tendency to hold on to the ball, the team still needs to address the needs up front. Mike Iupati's calling card is he's a punishing run blocker. He's a massive guard at 6'5, 331 lbs and, with some seasoning, could eventually moved to right tackle. The problem with Iupati is he's still a bit raw when it comes to pass protection. Despite being considered the best player at the Senior Bowl by some scouts in attendence, there were times when Iupati got overwhelmed by talented pass rushers. That can be a bit of a problem when playing for a team that has become more pass friendly like the Steelers but at least Iupati can contribute to the Steelers' winter staple: a power run game.

19. Atlanta Falcons: Brandon Graham, DE, Michigan - With the offense now set with QB Matt Ryan, RB Michael Turner and WR Roddy White, the team can now focus on defense. Having got nothing from former top 10 pick Jamaal Anderson, the Falcons have to once again go back to the drawing board to muster up a pass rush. Brandon Graham is a bit undersized at 6'1, but he has a big body at 268 pounds and he was almost Freeney-like at his Pro Day with a 4.68 40 and 31 reps in the bench press. Graham notched 9.5 sacks for an underachieving Wolverines team and could be this draft's breakout star if he falls in the right hands.

20. Houston Texans: Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State - Year after year, the Texans have passed up the opportunity to fix the running game. They thought they found a solution to their running woes when they drafted Steve Slaton two years ago, but Slaton took a huge step back last year after his breakout rookie season. Ryan Mathews, on the other hand, showed at the Combine that he's the total package. A big back at 6', 217 lbs, Mathews ran a 4.41 in the 40, notched a 10'1 in the broad jump and showed great hands in receiving drills. At the very least, Mathews' size can complement Slaton's speed. If the Texans choose to continue going defense in the first round, local product Earl Thomas, a safety out of Texas, could get the nod.

21. Cincinatti Bengals: Taylor Mays, S, USC - I was vastly disappointed when Taylor Mays opted to return to USC for his senior season. He could have been a legit top 15 pick in last year's draft. Instead, some flaws were exposed last season and Mays has dropped a bit. While there's no questioning Mays is an absolute freak(running a 4.3 40 at 6'3, 230 lbs), there are questions about his ability to cover and whether he may be better suited to play linebacker. Oddly enough, those are the same knocks on current Bengals safety Roy Williams. The addition of Mays, who would continue Cincy's trend of drafting Trojans, will only aid an already promising young secondary. For all of Mays' defieciencies, there's nothing major in his flaws that can't be coached up. With his speed and ability to lay the boom, the combination of Mays and Williams will be a nightmare for receivers going over the middle.

22. New England Patriots: Sergio Kindle, DE/LB, Texas - Sergio Kindle didn't follow up last year on the promise of his '08 season. After notching 10 sacks and 12.5 tackles for loss as a first-year starter, Kindle only had six sacks last season. Still, he's shown the ability to get to the passer and the Patriots are desperately lacking in the pass rush department. With Mike Vrabel traded last year and Adalius Thomas on the way out, there's room for Kindle to step in and unleash on QBs from Day 1. At 6'3, 250lbs, Kindle has good size and quickness, which could make him a terror when combined with Bill Belichick's teachings.

23. Green Bay Packers: Charles Brown, OT, USC - The Packers' offensive line problems are well-documented. They led the NFL is sacks allowed with 51 and their inability to protect Aaron Rodgers on the first drive in overtime caused Rodgers to fumble away the team's first post-Favre playoff game. As a Packers fan, I'd love to see Mike Iupati drop here and fill in at guard, but Charles Brown isn't a bad consellation prize. Brown beefed up at the Combine, going from 290 to 303 and his long arms make him an outstanding pass protector. He's also versatile enough to move inside to guard, if the Packers want to start him there before taking over for either Chad Clifton or Mark Tauscher at tackle. If Brown goes off the board(which is possible) and no OL prospects of note are available, the Packers could address their need for youth in the secondary with safeties Taylor Mays or Earl Thomas(if available) or corners Kyle Wilson and Devin McCourty.

24. Philadelphia Eagles: Earl Thomas, S, Texas - Having gotten bombed out by Dallas in back to back weeks as well as dealing away corner Sheldon Brown, the Eagles need help in the secondary. The effect of the loss of Brian Dawkins was evident all season(though none more so than the last two games) and the speedy Thomas could fill that void. After a stellar Pro Day, Thomas went from a 2nd round possibility to someone who can go as high as 12 to Miami. Needless to say, if Thomas is still here at 24, the Eagles would be lucky(although, with the extra 2nd rounder gained from Washington in the McNabb trade, the Eagles now have ammo to move up if need be). Another need is at guard after the team parted ways with former Pro Bowler Shawn Andrews. Florida's Maurkice Pouncey, a center capable of playing guard, would be a nice choice here as well.

25. Baltimore Ravens: Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers - The Ravens addressed their biggest need a couple months ago, swinging a deal to bring in Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin. Now, they can focus on fixing a banged up secondary. With Ed Reed mulling retirement and corners LaDarius Webb and Fabian Washington coming off injuries, there's a need for some infusion at corner. McCourty has been rising high as of late, thanks to some good workouts. McCourty showed the ability to hit at Rutgers, notching 80 tackles, and he has speed to burn after running a 4.34 40 at the Combine(fastest of any corner). While McCourty would be a good pick, Oklahoma tight end Jermaine Gresham is also an option(though some may be scared away by his durability concerns). The Ravens could also pull the trigger on Dez Bryant, who is surpremely talented wideout who has saw his stock drop thanks to a slow 40 and some character questions. If Bryant makes it down this far, he certianly would be an upgrade over Mark Clayton and could give the Ravens a nice 1-2 punch in the passing game.

26. Arizona Cardinals: Jerry Hughes, DE/LB, TCU - When you give up nearly 100 points in your final two games, defense is obviously a big need. That need became exponentially bigger when star defenders like LB Karlos Dansby and S Antrel Rolle went elsewhere. Jerry Hughes is coming off a huge year, where he had 16.5 tackles for loss(11.5 of which were sacks). He ran a 4.59 at the Combine and he would clearly help a defense that needs help everywhere. Other options would be Penn State's Jared Odrick or Alabama's Terrence Cody. Another intriguing option I've seen mentioned? Jimmy Clausen. The coaching staff isn't exactly sold on Matt Leinart and if a guy like Clausen falls this far, it may take a chance on him to put pressure on Leinart to finally put it all together.

27. Dallas Cowboys: Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State - I know, I know, the Cowboys have need at offensive line with Flozell Adams gone and they can use some help in the secondary but can you really see a guy like Jerry Jones passing on a talent like Dez Bryant? With Roy Williams and his stone hands continually moving closer to the first thing smoking out of Texas, the presence of Bryant can safeguard the Cowboys in the event they part ways with the overpaid wideout. Now, Bryant has his share of issues. His lack of concentration has caused him to drop passes at times(something that may cause him to slip passed Dallas, since Roy Williams already covers the pass-dropping for them). There's questions about his maturity. He's also missed most of last season after being suspended for lying about meeting with former Cowboy Deion Sanders. Then, there's the 4.6 40 he ran at his Pro Day, which is pretty slow for a wideout. Still, Bryant's the top receiver in this draft on most boards and would be the best talent available here. The more likely option may be to trade down and that may give us a repeat of a few years ago. With the Cowboys on the clock and a certian high-profile Notre Dame QB still in the green room, the Cowboys traded away the 22nd pick so the Browns could select Brady Quinn. This time around, another Notre Dame QB could be still available when Dallas picks and Cleveland may once again be tempted to move up to secure the services of Jimmy Clausen. Let's just say that is Clausen gets past San Francisco at 17, the plot will officially thicken.

28. San Diego Chargers: Terrence Cody, DT, Alabama - The Chargers are in desperate need of a RB and it wouldn't surprise me if they move up a few spots, ahead of Houston, to grab Ryan Mathews. This being a mock with no trades, I have San Diego addressing their other big need: Replacing Jamal Williams at nose tackle. Terrence Cody is an interesting prospect. He clearly has the size to clog the middle as a nose tackle in a 3-4 or in a 4-3, but teams are a bit concerned with his weight, which at times was damn near 400 lbs. Cody showed up at the Combine at 370, and made it to 349 for his Pro Day but his ability to stay in the 350 or below range will be what convinces teams to take a chance on him in the first round. There's no doubting Cody has the power to stop runners in their tracks up the middle, but he doesn't give you much in terms of a pass rush, which makes ability to remain healthy on the field to stop the run that more crucial.

29. New York Jets: Jared Odrick, DE/DT, Penn St. - Fans of Gang Green want a WR here and they'll no doubt be leading the march for Dez Bryant if he continues to fall. Notre Dame's Golden Tate, Illinois' Arrelious Benn and Georgia Tech's Demaryius Thomas are other names to look out for here. However, the Jets are old on the defensive line, with all starters being 30 and up. Rex Ryan already has Jerricho Cotchery and Braylon Edwards at wideout and he addressed his need at corner with Antonio Cromartie, so defensive line is the only reasonable way to go unless a big time wideout emerges. Odrick had 10 tackles for loss and 6 sacks at Penn State and, at 6'5 and 304lbs, he fits perfectly as an end in the 3-4.

30. Minnesota Vikings: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame - Two weeks from now, we could be looking at this mock and laugh hysterically about how far I thought Clausen would fall. Clausen could very well go 7 to Cleveland, 9 to Buffalo, 13 or 17 to San Francisco, or some team can move up in the 20's and take him. Jimmy Clausen isn't a terrible QB prospect. He isn't Brian Brohm. He just lacks a wow factor. He also lacks maturity. He also lacks leadership. He also is saddled with the stigma of Brady Quinn's spectar. He's also had the unfortunate luck of having teams that would have taken him look elsewhere. Some of the reasons behind Clausen's drop are beyond his control. Some aren't. Do I think Clausen is the most pro-ready QB in this draft? Yes. Do I think he may be better than Sam Bradford? Sure. I'd say he and Bradford are neck and neck in terms of both being guys who can be very good but will never be great. I strongly doubt we will look back at the '10 Class of QBs and compare it to 2004. Again, Clausen is a mystery here, but we've seen guys like him fall before. Brady Quinn fell. Joe Flacco fell. Aaron Rodgers fell. Drew Brees fell. Sometimes, you're a victim of circumstance and, right now, that's what Clausen is. Now, if he ends up in Minnesota, he hits the jackpot. With Brett Favre coming back(probably) this season and (maybe) next season, Clausen gets to sit and watch(much like Rodgers did) behind one of the best to ever play the game. He'd get to take over in 2011 or 2012 and be the signal caller of a team that is Super Bowl calibur. He'll have Sidney Rice and Percy Harvin to throw to. He'll have an All-Pro offensive line. He'll have a great defense and, most importantly, he'll have Adrian Peterson behind him to run the ball. This could work out well for Jimmy Clausen. Being a B+ prospect may be the best thing to ever happen to him.

31. Indianapolis Colts: Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida - The Colts' offensive line has been an underlying problem for years. They've managed to get by on solid coaching improving subpar OL prospects. That, however, can't go on forever. Maurkice Pouncey is the top center in this draft and he also can play some guard. That kind of versatility late in the opening round makes you very valuable. Certianly, the team can use a presence in the middle of the defensive line like, say, UCLA DT Brian Price or a solid LB or CB, but when Bill Polian calls out the O-Line after the Super Bowl, you know he's thinking about making some adjustments.

32. New Orleans Saints: Brian Price, DT, UCLA - The Saints addressed thier need for a DE by signing Alex Brown from Chicago. That doesn't mean they're done improving the defense. The secondary can still use some help, eventhough they took Malcom Jenkins last year in the first round. An outside linebacker to replace Scott Fujita would help, too. However, Brian Price is coming off an great junior year in which he had 16.5 tackles for loss and 5 sacks. On top of that, he'll be 21 in April, which means he'll have time to grow as the Saints work him in the rotation. The Saints have swung and missed before on 1st round DT, most recently Jonathan Sullivan a few years back, but Price would clearly be the best defender available for a team that needs more D. The team could also take tight end Jermaine Gresham(who will probably go 1st round, but wasn't mocked as such in this one) or go for a RB like Georgia Tech's Jonathan Dwyer to improve a subpar running game.

Milk Carton All-Star of the Week

In less than two weeks, the most wonderful time of the year will be upon us: The NFL Draft. As many of you know, The NFL Draft is my 2nd Christmas. Every time the last week of April rolls around, I get as excited as Ricky Martin at Chippendale's. With the Draft just a few weeks away, I thought we should dedicate our favorite weekly honor to a former Draft cautionary tale.

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In his defense, Maurice Clarett meant well. He was your prototypical naive young prodigy with too many greedy yes-men in his ear giving him bad advice. Clarett emerged onto the scene as a breakout star for the Ohio State Buckeyes back in 2002. As a true freshman, the 5'11, 234-pound Clarett mowed over anything in sight, rushing for a freshman school record 1,237 yards and leading the Buckeyes to a national championship in one of the greatest title games ever played against Miami. That early success caused the leaches to come out of the woodwork. After his big freshman year, Clarett was suddenly a star at 19. He was gracing the covers of magazines like ESPN:The Mag and Sporting News and being heralded as "The Next Eddie George".

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However, all of Clarett's hype overshadowed his blatant lack of maturity(something common in star athletes who achieve great heights of fame at such a young age). During his freshman year, Clarett routinely got into spats with coaches, but was never reprimanded. Clarett's hijinx continued in the summer leading into his sophomore year, when he suspended for the season after filing a false claim over $10,000 of merchandise that was stolen from a car he borrowed from a local dealership. Unable to play football, Clarett moved to Los Angeles, where he partied it up on a nightly basis and ballooned up to nearly 260 pounds. With all these new friends and caretakers around him and his collegiate career on life support, Clarett got talked into challenging the NFL's rule that all college players must be three years removed from high school before entering the Draft in 2004. The court ruled in Clarett's favor and allowed Clarett into the '04 Draft before it was eventually overturned on appeal. Having signed with an agent and now being barred from the Draft, Clarett found himself without a football home. Finally eligible in 2005, Clarett worked out for pro scouts who had not seen Clarett perform in nearly two years. At the Combine, Clarett ran a horrific 4.72 and 4.82 in the 40 yard dash and his lack of preparation led his draft stock to plummet.

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Now projected as a 6th or 7th round pick, Clarett was surprisingly drafted at the end of Round 3 by the Denver Broncos and then-head coach Mike Shanahan. Shanahan had a reputation for making 1,000 yard backs out of obscure players and saw the potential in the once-promising Clarett. Clarett repaid Shanahan by showing up 20 pounds overweight to camp, fought constantly with team's coaches and veterans and allegedly showed up to practice drunk. Needless to say, Clarett was cut before ever sniffing NFL action.

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His football career now in flames, Clarett continued his downward spiral. In January of '06, he was arrested for a robbery outside of a nightclub. He was released on bail in Feburary. In August of that same year, Clarett drove through Columbus, Rambo-style, and led police on a car chase after an illegal U-Turn. After eventually being stopped by police, officers found a katana, an AK-47, two handguns and a open bottle of Grey Goose vodka. Clarett agreed to a plea bargain and received 7 1/2 years in prison, but could apply for early release after three. A couple days ago, Clarett was checked into a halfway house in Columbus, where he was required to stay for another six months.

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So let's give a round of applause for a once-promising rising star who went from the next Jim Brown to the next James Brown......Maurice Clarett, ladies and gentlemen!

The Mets are at it Again

Last year in this space I compared the Mets to the Cleveland Indians in Major League 2 and called them a minor league team.

Well, this isn't going to do anything to change that.....



OK, I know David Wright has a bunch of Vitamin Water/Glaceau/Coca-Cola money in his pocket, but this is embarrassing.

The Mets will be the step-child of New York baseball as long as junk like this keeps happening.

I swear, I'm one Carlos-Beltran-goes-on-Dancing-With-the-Stars stunt away from renouncing the Mets and selling my fandom on Ebay to the highest bidder.

I did learn one thing...you can buy David Wright's manhood for about $20 million.

I can't imagine what Fiddy is going to have to do.

Award Tour

With the division breakdowns done, let's finish up by predicting who will be handed some hardware this season(Gabe's picks will be coming later today.)

DIVISION WINNERS(Incase you're too lazy to scroll down to each preview)

Dave: AL-New York, Chicago, Seattle. NL- Philadelphia, St. Louis, Los Angeles


WILD CARD:

Dave: NL - Atlanta: I like their young pitching and motivation to make a run for Bobby Cox a bit more than I like Milwaukee's big bats. Plus, I'm a Braves fan, so I'm probably overrating the talent on the roster a bit.

AL: Boston - The Beckett-Lester-Lackey trio is intriguing and becomes much more interesting if Dice-K returns to form. Plus, while some might not be too worried over the Twins losing closer Joe Nathan potentially for the season, it's the little things that cost you in a close race. Same thing goes for the Angels and their lack of depth in the rotation. I like this one to come down to the final week, with Boston eeking it out.


MVP

Dave: NL - Chase Utley, 2B, Philadelphia - As always, it's Pujols' award to lose and, while I'm not scared off by his bad back(especially since we've seen what he did with a bum elbow), I think it will slow him enough to where Utley's numbers combined with the Phillies' success gives Utley the nod.


AL: Mark Teixiera, 1B, New York Yankees - He probably should have won it last year. He's the best pure hitter in the league's best lineup and he'll, theoretically, have a full season of A-Rod protecting him. Plus, the Yankees will probably finish with the league's best record, barring some catastrophic collapse.

CY YOUNG

Dave: AL - Felix Hernandez, SP, Seattle: With Halladay gone and Sabathia eventually going to feel the effects of his big time workloads the past few seasons, King Felix is the best pitcher in the AL on a Mariners team that finally looks like a playoff team.

NL - Chris Carpenter, SP, St. Louis - Halladay's the obvious favorite, given the fact he plays on the best team in the NL and he's won it before in a harder league. However, I want to see how he performs in Citizens Bank before I anoint him the winner. As for Carpenter, health will obviously be his biggest hurdle. Other than that, the Cards are going to win alot. He'll be pitching in much more meaningful games down the stretch than Doc and he's done it before. If there's a couple of dark horses though, I like Josh Johnson if the Marlins are competitive in the end and Cole Hamels to play the Adam Wainwright to Halladay's Carpenter from last season.



ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

Dave: AL - Scott Sizemore, 2B, Detroit - This award's always a toss-up. Last year, everyone had David Price winning this one going away and it ended up going to a reliever nobody had even heard of coming out of spring training(Andrew Bailey from the A's). If I had to pick a name, I'd go Sizemore because he's in a lineup that's going to produce on a team that may still be in it in September.

NL - Jason Heyward, RF, Atlanta - Obviously, Steve Strausberg is the favorite and if he gets called up early, he's probably taking this award, but I say the Nats get cautious and Heyward rakes. Why? Because I'm a homer, that's why!


Manager of the Year

Dave - AL: Joe Girardi - Like you care enough about this award for me to give an explanation.

NL: Tony LaRussa: See above.


ALCS

Dave: Yankees over Red Sox in 6 - If we get Seattle-Boston in Round 1, that will be a series to watch because we'll have some great pitching matchups(King Felix-Beckett, Lee-Lester, Bedard-Lackey), but I think the Sox get the best of that matchup but once again fall short to a far superior Yankees team.

NLCS

Dave: Cardinals over Phillies in 7 - It's hard to give a logical explanation for not having Philadelphia, who looks like a downright juggernaut, making yet another trip to the World Series. They are built like the mid-90's Braves dynasty. Solid pitching, balanced lineup led by a formidable slugging middle-of-the-order, somewhat reliable pitching, veteran management. My problem with taking Philly to make it back for a third time is it seems too obvious. Granted, so does taking the Yankees in the AL but you can make a legitimate case that nobody comes within a country mile of the Yankees in terms of talent and experience. In the NL? It's not as cut and dry. Like the Phillies, the Cardinals are heavy at the top in the rotation. Like the Phillies, the have a powerful lineup, especially in the middle of the order. Like the Phils, the Cards have a bend but don't break bullpen. To me, these two teams are mirror images of each other.



So why am I riding with Nellyville? Well, for one, home games for the Phillies in this series will essentially represent a home run derby given the propensity for Citizens Bank to be a launching pad for instant offense. That has been Philadelphia's calling card. Outslug the other team and try to hold them with solid pitching. The Cardinals can match that AND have the advantage of not having to worry about getting into slugfests at home. Another underlying issue, the heart of Cole Hamels. Remember this is the same guy who "couldn't wait for the season to end" because he found it "mentally draining" and wanted a "fresh start". Those quotes got him called a quitter by then-teammate Brett Myers. The Phils need a bounce back season from Hamels and if it looks like Hamels is showing weakness early, Philadelphia isn't the kind of city that will be patient while Hamels grows a pair. As for St. Louis, I don't think Carpenter makes the full season but I think he'll be right by playoff time. If I had to make a bet on either Hamels' heart or Carpenter's body, I'll take Carpenter any day of the week and twice on Sunday.....or in this case, three times in a 7-game series over the Phils.



WORLD SERIES:

Dave: Yankees over Cardinals in 6 - Truth be told, I'd love for this to be Dodgers-Yankees(Torre vs old team, East vs West, former kings of Brooklyn vs new kings of the Bronx) instead of Yankees-Cards or Yanks-Phils II, but I just can't see that happening. Taking the Yankees here goes against my prognostication rule # 1 of not going with obvious pick. The obvious pick always burns you because the matchup looks so one-sided that you fail to see any glaring holes that might turn the tables. It's why I always get my ass-kicked on March Madness brackets(or, more recently, NFL picks against Gabe). Still, the Yankees look like they have every base covered. The rotation looks better than last year's. They upgraded defensively with Granderson over Damon. Joba in the bullpen was a smart move and also covers them if someone(probably Phil Hughes) goes down in the rotation. A-Rod is more relaxed now that the 500-pound monkey is off his back after winning his first ring. The team looks near-perfect(although, granted, it's March). The Cardinals, much like Philadelphia last year, are no slouches either. They can match New York with pitching at the top of the rotation. They have a manager who doesn't make postseason brain farts, unlike Joe Girardi for the Yanks. I just don't trust the Cards to be able to hold back the Yanks' offense on games that Carpenter or Wainwright aren't pitching and, if Carpenter has to start three in the NLCS, I don't think physically he can handle doing the same in the World Series if the Cards can somehow push it to 7.

The Yankees could very well be a dynasty again. Last season proved that they aren't just a team with a high payroll that looks great on paper. They proved they can get it done in October, especially A-Rod, which was an issue that haunted A-Rod and the Yankees for quite some time. It's amazing how making the right signings can change your outlook on a team.

A Moment of Sheer Stupidity

Stupid. Foolish. Arrogant. Shocking. Risky. All of these are adjectives I would use to describe last night's blockbuster trade that sent QB Donovan McNabb from Philadelphia to Washington for two draft picks. We all knew the Eagles were finally dealing McNabb, we just never thought the Eagles would be dumb enough to trade their best player to a division rival, especially a division rival that now has a coach with a reputation for getting seemingly declining QBs over the hump.

As bad as the Redskins' record was last season and as bad as this team looked(especially on offense) last season, most of Washington's woes can be chalked to a myriad of injuries, particularly on the offensive line. They lost Pro Bowl left tackle Chris Samuels to a neck injury that eventually ended his career. They lost high-priced guard Randy Thomas. Every week, it seemed the Redskins lost a crucial piece, from Clinton Portis to Chris Cooley. The Eagles traded McNabb to Washington, thinking this was still the dreadful 4-12 squad from last year. However, a lot has changed since last season ended. Inept head coach Jim Zorn is out, two-time Super Bowl winning head coach Mike Shanahan is in. The team added some depth at RB with declining backs Larry Johnson and Willie Parker. They signed QB Rex Grossman who, like McNabb, has led his team to a Super Bowl, and has experience in the scheme OC Kyle Shanahan is implementing. Now, they have a 6-time Pro Bowl QB in McNabb, who is a significant upgrade over first round bust Jason Campbell. On top of that, the Redskins sit with the 4th pick in this month's draft staring dead at Oklahoma State left tackle Russell Okung, considered by many to be the best offensive tackle prospect in this draft and perhaps the best OL prospect in years.

The McNabb trade(especially if combined with the Okung drafting) causes a huge swing in the NFC East. It gives the Redskins its first proven QB in years. It pairs McNabb, suddenly more motivated after being left for dead by the team he brought to five NFC Championships, with Shanahan(who got John Elway his first ring at 34). Most importantly, it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the Philadelphia Eagles. Head coach Andy Reid, whom some would say is more the reason for the Eagles inability to get over the hump than McNabb ever was, now puts his career in the hands of unproven QB Kevin Kolb. Kolb's career numbers? 4 TDs, 7 INTs, sacked 5 times in 12 games(2 of which he started, which was last season in McNabb's absence). That's hardly a resume that would drive me to trade my aging franchise QB.

When you combine the departure of McNabb with the trade of solid cornerback Sheldon Brown a few days prior as well as the release of Pro Bowl OG Shawn Andrews a few weeks ago, there's a lot to scratch your head about. Why the sudden need to get younger? Many believed the Eagles could compete for a Super Bowl this season with the soon-to-be 34 year old McNabb. Another head scratcher? Why the Eagles not only turned down the possibility of acquiring CB Nnamdi Asomugha(the best at his position in the NFL) in a trade that would have sent McNabb out of the division AND the conference along with CB Asante Samuel but also turned down the Redskins offering Pro Bowl DT Albert Haynesworth for McNabb straight up. Sure, Haynesworth's contract is hefty and it doesn't make the Eagles any younger but it certianly makes them better defensively, as would the Asomugha trade.

Who is sitting at the top of Round 2 in this draft that Eagles felt moving a QB with some juice left in the tank to a division rival was worth the risk? Tim Tebow? Carlos Dunlap? Colt McCoy? Didn't the Eagles watch what happened last year when Brett Favre signed with Vikings and faced the Packers? You don't let a pissed off Pro Bowl QB face you twice a year if you don't have to. That's what the Packers tried to avoid with Favre and it's what the Eagles should have done their damnedest to avoid with McNabb. Now, McNabb sits on a team that could potentially have all its holes filled by September with an owner with an endless bank account to bring in whomever McNabb wants.

Andy Reid claims trading McNabb in the division was to make Donovan happy. You know how you make him happy? YOU DON'T TRADE HIM! McNabb never asked to leave Philadelphia, even while ungrateful Eagles fans spit in his face on a weekly basis. Sportscenter this morning followed the news of the McNabb trade with reaction from Eagles fans, most of which saying good riddance with one fan offering to drive McNabb to the airport and another wondering if this high 2nd round pick means the Eagles can go get Tebow. Tim Tebow? Really, Eagles fans? I know I suggested the Eagles take Tebow a few months ago, but that was based on McNabb being in Philadelphia to mentor him and it was also if he was still there in the third or fourth round. You really want to add a QB with Tebow's mechanical issues to a depth chart that includes Kolb(and his 2 starts) and Mike Vick(who was used primarily as a gimmick last year)? Now, Kolb's lack of experience isn't that much of a red flag. Aaron Rodgers never started a game in the pros before replacing Brett Favre and there was far more pressure on A-Rod than there will be on Kolb. After all, Kolb's replacing a scourge, while Rodgers replaced a legend. Still, the Packers went 6-10 in Rodgers' first year and eventhough Rodgers played admirably, that doesn't show up in the win column. If Kolb goes 6-10 with Philly while McNabb is leading the Redskins to the playoffs, it's going to be a dark day in the City of Brotherly Love.

As heartbreaking at first as this may have been for McNabb, he ends up in a better situation with the ability to not only learn from a potential Hall of Fame coach but gets two opportunities to show Eagles fans what they're missing. You can't script this kind of payback(Well, I guess you can, if you copy last year's Vikings-Packers showdowns). As for the Eagles and Andy Reid, keep in mind that Reid has now traded McNabb to the Redskins just a few short years after trading down with Cowboys to acquire Kolb and allowing Dallas to take promising pass rusher Anthony Spencer. Those are two deals that inevitably haunt this franchise. Hopefully, Eagles fans will have a car big enough to drive Reid to the airport when this latest moment of incompetence blows up in his face.

NL East Preview

The grand finale of the BoomRoastedSports MLB preview and the division that myself and Gabe are closest to(as a Braves fan and Mets fan, respectively), the NL East.

Dave's Projected Finish

1. Philadelphia: The Phillies could have stuck to their laurels following their 2nd straight World Series appearance and entered the 2010 season as the team to beat in the National League. They could have strolled into this season with a devastatingly deep lineup and pitching staff that featured the intimidating 1-2 of Cole Hamels and midseason acquisition Cliff Lee. They could have simply kept everything the way it is. They didn't. Not only did the defending NL champs go improve over the winter, they made the most noise of any franchise by going out and trading for Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay. If you thought the Hamels/Lee combo was imposing, the duo of Hamels and Halladay is bound to cause dumpage in the underpants of opposing lineups.

As for the Phils' lineup, its depth and balance matches the rotation in terms of intimidation. Led by two former MVPs in 1B Ryan Howard and SS Jimmy Rollins as well as the game's best 2B, Chase Utley, the Phillies' lineup is nearly impossible to pitch around. Add in an All-Star outfield of Raul Ibanez, Jason Werth and Shane Victorino and a ballpark built for offensive outbreaks and its hard to imagine anyone coming within 10 games of the Phillies in the East.

Still, a team this loaded does have its flaws. The bullpen, which was solid during the team's 2008 World Series win, slipped considerably last season. Closer Brad Lidge went from being lights out to reverting back to the shaky Brad Lidge that was exiled out of Houston. Also, while the rotation is stacked at the top, the final three starters leave much to be desired. Joe Blanton is going to continue to get torched playing in a bandbox like Citizens Bank. J.A. Happ was a nice story last year, but he hardly puts the fear of God in you. Fifth starter Jamie Moyer is steady, but he's also 200 years old and his fastball hasn't gotten past 78 mph since 1997. Bottom line, this team should win the division going away but putting away heavy hitters St. Louis and L.A. for the third straight year in the playoffs will be much more daunting of a task this time around.

2. Atlanta: The youth movement has begun in Atlanta. Gone are the days of Glavine, Smoltz, McGriff, Jones and Justice. Instead, those torches have been passed to the likes of Jason Heyward, Jair Jurrjens, Jordan Schafer, and Tommy Hanson. On paper, the Braves offer up a team that is promising both in the rotation and in the lineup. Last year's big free agent pickup Derek Lowe returns as the ace, and he's backed by rising youngster Jair Jurrjens(14-10, 2.52 ERA), and phenom Tommy Hanson(11-4, 2.89 ERA, 116 K's). A batting order that lacked pop throughout last season dug into the bargain bin for free-swinging sluggers Troy Glaus and Eric Hinske, who will platoon at first. They will offer protection for oft-injured but still steady All-Star 3B Chipper Jones. The Braves will also have a full season of last year's midseason acquisition, centerfielder Nate McLouth, whom the Braves hope will return to his 2008 All-Star form. Joining McLouth in the outfield is former Yankee Melky Cabrera, who will be counted on for his solid defense and perhaps some contributions with the bat.

The talk of the town, however, is 6'4, 220lb hot prospect Jason Heyward. The 20-year old right fielder has been making noise through spring training with his towering home runs and the Braves hope that he's the answer to their power outage woes as of late. Another youngster the Braves hope to see at some point this year will be Jordan Schafer, who is currently blocked by McLouth and Cabrera in the outfield but could see a call-up if either hurt or dealt. The Braves are a long shot to catch the Phillies for the East crown but with guys like Heyward and company in the lineup and a pitching staff that will only get better as studs like Jurrjens and Hanson develop, they could make a run at the Wild Card and be a tough out as the team tries to win one last title for their longtime legendary manager.

3. N.Y. Mets: Baseball's biggest disappointment the last couple years are already off to a bad start. High-priced All-Star centerfielder Carlos Beltran is at odds with organization after opting for knee surgery that will keep him out of the lineup for the first few weeks against the team's wishes. Oft-injured SS Jose Reyes has recently been diagnosed with a thyroid issue as he tries to bounce back from a hamstring injury that cost him most of last season. Starter Johan Santana is recovering from elbow surgery and, eventhough he'll probably start Opening Day, it will be interesting to see if he can shoulder the load of carrying a rotation that doesn't have much behind him. Mike Pelfrey, John Maine, Oliver Perez, and Fernando Nieve are hardly a group that inspires optimism in the Big Apple. The bullpen is also pretty scarce beyond big money closer Francisco Rodriguez.

What should inspire optimism for Mets fans is the new, leaner, bulkier David Wright. After a disappointing 2009 season that saw his power numbers drop from .302/33/124 in 2008 to .307/10/72 in 2009, Wright reported to camp trimmer yet more muscular. Lending Wright a hand in the lineup will be big free agent pickup Jason Bay who, like Wright, offers a nice power-speed combination. The Mets also brought in Gary Matthews Jr. to man center while Beltran recovers and the team hopes Jeff Francouer makes the Braves regret giving up on him early.

Much like in years past, the Mets' roster is filled with big names and big contracts. The issue has always been putting it all together. With the lineup already ravaged by injury just a couple weeks into spring training and the rotation dependent on the surgically-repaired arm of Santana, the Mets will either be another huge failure or will use the lowered expectations to make the World Series run they've been predicted to make the last few years.

4. Florida: The Marlins surprised many last year by overwhelming high-profile rivals New York and Atlanta to finish 2nd in the NL East. This year, they return with a solid young pitching staff led by starters Ricky Nolasco and Josh Johnson(15-5, 3.23 ERA, 191 K's) and a lineup headlined by MVP candidate and 2009 batting champ Hanley Ramirez. The problem is the Marlins don't have much around those three players other than some prospects with potential. That group includes centerfielder Cameron Maybin, who was brought over from Detroit in last season's Miguel Cabrera trade. Maybin hit .250 with 4 HR and 13 RBI in 52 games last season and opens this season as the starter in center. He'll be joined by ROTY Chris Coghlan, who hit .321 with 9 HR and 47 RBI last season. 2B Dan Uggla, once a young pup himself in this lineup, is now the greybeard and the Marlins need him to improve upon last season's paltry .243 average to go along with his 31 homers. A couple other bats to mention are 1B Jorge Cantu(16 HR, 100 RBI) and OF Cody Ross(27 HR and 90 RBI). Those guys will need to improve if the Marlins want to stave off an equally-youthful Braves team and a high-priced Mets squad.

Another area needing work will be the bullpen. Closer Leo Nunez saved 26 games in place of now-departed closer Matt Lindstrom, but he also posted a 4.06 ERA. The guys setting him up are nothing to write home about either. The same for the rotation beyond Johnson and Nolasco. Anibal Sanchez missed most of last season thanks to injury and Sean West and Chris Volstad will eventually be replaced by the Marlins' other big find in the Cabrera trade, Andrew Miller. It's easy to write off this Marlins team as young and unproven, but those were the same things we said about them last season. Can they make a run at the Wild Card? Sure, but it's asking a lot to expect teams as desperate as Atlanta and New York to lay down once again and allow Florida to sneak past them again. For now, let's just consider than a dangerous dark horse.

5. Washington: For Nats fans, the only thing on their mind is "How long before Stephen Strasburg gets called up?". There isn't much to like about a Nationals team that lost 103 games last season. The lineup has some talent, especially in local star 3B Ryan Zimmerman, who managed to drive in 100+ runs as well as score 100+ runs last season(106 RBIs and 110 runs, to be exact). Last year's free agent pickup Adam Dunn did what he normally does: hit a ton of home runs(38 homers) and strike out a lot(177 strikeouts). Right fielder Josh Willingham had a solid season, hitting .260 with 24 HR and 61 RBI and midseason acquisition Nyjer Morgan will provide some speed from the leadoff spot and in center. Beyond that though, there isn't much. The team brought in Ivan Rodriguez's corpse to mentor a young pitching staff but, other than that, he's pretty much just an automatic out.

As for the pitching staff, the team signed Jason Marquis away from Colorado to be their "ace", which should tell you everything you need to know about the talent of this rotation. As for the guys behind Marquis, well, let's just say Strasburg won't have much trouble climbing his way up the depth chart. John Lannen, Scott Olsen, Garrett Mock and Craig Stammen are the Nats' current pitching pu-pu platter until Strasburg gets the nod and sends one of these guys back to obscurity. The bullpen might be an even bigger disaster. Former Pirates closer Matt Capps is currently the 9th inning guy for the Nats, but if he's still in DC by June, I'd be shocked, given that the team dealt its first two closers by the All-Star break last season. Bottom line, this team is going to lose....a lot. The question becomes when is the right time to give the 2009 #1 overall pick the green light. Do you risk sending Strasburg out early to sell tickets at the risk that the workload will hamper him down the road or do you take it on the chin for the next few seasons until Strausberg is ready to dominate? Either way, the Nationals will be the next D.C. crisis President Obama is going to have to fix.


Gabe's Projected Finish

1. Philadelphia - We all know the success the Phillies have had in recent years. The core of this team, which has appeared in the last two World Series is basically the same. Guys like Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins, Shane Victorino, Jayson Werth, the list could go on, are at or near the top of their games.

The pitching rotation should be great. All reports from spring training say Cole Hamels is back and better than ever. The only questions coming into the season have to do with replacing Cliff Lee with Roy Halladay. From a talent stand point, Halladay is clearly an upgrade who should be even more dominant in the NL. Lee is the type of guy that Philly fans are drawn to though. He was a blue collar fan favorite. Halladay has a tendency to be aloof and stand-offish. That won't fly with Philly fans if he loses. If he is winning, all is forgiven. Which leads to another question. How will Halladay handle the pressure of being on a winning team with vocal fans? In Toronto he was the best player on a below average team and they let it slide if he had a bad game. Philly will be relentless. He will be on a short leash and if things go bad he is going to hear about it. Luckily, the majority of his games will be against the Nats, Mets, and Marlins, so he should be ok.

2. Atlanta Braves - The Braves are a lot of expert's sexy pick to make the playoffs in the NL, and they aren't a bad choice. Like Dave said, this is a very young team. Nate McLouth and Jason Heyward are rising stars. Chipper Jones is 100 years old and somehow still gets it done. Their best pitcher is arguably Tommy Hanson, also a youngster. The Braves should get a lot of production out of this team. Also, don't discount the "win one last time for Bobby Cox" as he will be retiring at the end of this season. I think the Braves have a shot to make the post-season, not a great one, but they are certainly in the mix.

3. New York Mets - The Mets have been underachieving for years. They have a line-up that should be mashing the ball constantly, but between injuries and guys not living up to their potential, they haven't done that. The only guy they can count on is 3B David Wright, who, by decree from Omar Minaya, probably isn't allowed to get hurt.Their pitching staff is anchored by Johann Santana, one of the best in the business, and closer Francisco Rodriguez, also one of the best. The guys in between? Meh.

In the off-season they needed to find some pitching, so, in typical Mets fashion, they went out and signed free agent outfielder Jason Bay. Bay is an average fielder and had inflated hitting numbers that are sure to take a dive in the cavern that is CitiField. The Mets have the potential to play well and make the playoffs, but in the words of the late great Bernie Mac, "I don't believe in shit until shit happens." My advice to Mets fans, expect the worst and hope to be surprised.

4. Florida Marlins - Florida has some nice pieces. They have some nice pop in their line-up with Dan Uggla, Chris Coghlan (also two of the stars of my 1st place fantasy baseball team. I may have mentioned that title once or twice before), and Hanley Ramirez. The star of the pitching staff is ace Josh Johnson (also a key member of my fantasy team.) Outside of Johnson though their rotation is nothing to be scared of. Also, they need lots of help in relief. I just don't think they have enough to compete consistently with the rest of the division, although they could easily catch the Mets after New York takes their annual nap in August.

5. Washington Nationals - Don't look now Nats fans, but they might actually be building something in D.C. With Adam Dunn moving to first base, and Ryan Zimmerman at third, the teams is set at the corners. Josh Willingham is going to provide power and Nyjer Morgan is going to provide some much needed speed in the line-up. Age might start to be a concern with Morgan though. They also signed veteran catcher Ivan Rodriguez to lead the young pitching staff. Don't expect him to be much more than a coach on the field though.

The pitching staff is going to be keeping the seats warm until the call-up of phenom Stephen Strasburg. I am going to make a bold prediction and say Strasburg gets called up either May 19th at home against the Mets or July 27th at home against the Braves.

This offseason the Nats started addressing their issues with pitching and defense. If they continue down this path they could be competitive in a year or two and, dear God I can't believe I'm saying this, maybe make the playoffs in a few years.

Brownout

You may have heard that the Philadelphia Eagles and the Cleveland Browns made a trade today. No, the Eagles didn't ship soon-to-be-dealt QB Donovan McNabb to Cleveland. Instead, the Eagles and Browns agreed to a deal sending disgruntled CB Sheldon Brown to Cleveland. The arrival of Brown to a team that shares his surname got me thinking: What if everyone in Cleveland's starting lineup had the last name Brown? With that said, take a glance at your new look Cleveland Browns:

Quarterback: Dave Brown(Former NFL QB with the Giants and Cardinals, 1992-2001) - As Gabe can attest, no franchise would want to have their offense led by the perennially awful Dave Brown. After all, he finished his nine-year career with 44 TDs and 58 picks and he spent most of his pro career perfecting his squat on the bench. Worse than that, he went to Duke. Gross. So why is he here, you ask? Well, a veteran with Brown's experience is always good to have around to tutor your heir apparent. In this case, Dave Brown will be mentoring my QB-in-waiting, Jarrett Brown(whom West Virginia fans already are familiar with and whose name we will be hearing at some point during Draft weekend three weeks from now).

Running back: Jim Brown(Hall of Fame NFL running back with the original Cleveland Browns, 1957-1965) - I flirted with the idea of moving Jim Brown to fullback and giving this spot to one of the more conventional, modern-day running backs like Donald Brown or Ronnie Brown or even Chris Brown. However, at the end of the day, this is Jim "Motherfuckin'" Brown. He is on the Mt. Rushmore of Cleveland sports legends. You don't play him out of position to make room for someone else. If you do, he'll bash in your windshield with a shovel....

Running back #2: Ronnie Brown(Miami Dolphins 2005-present) -....That's why we decided to scrap the old school fullback and instead employ a stable of younger backs to give Jimbo a breather(after all, the man is 73 years old). Ronnie Brown leads that pack. Proficient in the Wildcat offense, Ronnie can be used on the ground, in the air or out of the flat. He's a nice swiss-army knife to have alongside the battering ram that is Jim Brown.

Wide Receiver: Tim Brown: ('87 Heisman winner, L.A./Oakland Raiders 1988-2003) - Who better to have running routes for you than "Touchdown Timmy"? Tim Brown was one of the NFL's great wide receivers, a statement that will eventually solidified with a bust in Canton, Ohio. He was an excellent return man, both in college and in the pros, and he ended his career with a breathtaking resume: 2nd all-time in receiving yards, 3rd in receptions, 3rd in TD catches, and 5th in combined net yards.

Wide Receiver # 2: Troy Brown(New England Patriots, 1993-2007) - After Timmy, the pickings got slim. Troy Brown narrowly beat out Reggie Brown simply because of his ability to do it all. Not only was Troy Brown a solid route-runner who managed to win three Super Bowl rings with the Pats, but he was a capable return man(which is a duty he will share with Tim) and could even play some nickel cornerback if asked.

Tight End: Kwame Brown(NBA center, Washington Wizards/L.A. Lakers/Memphis Grizzlies/Detroit Pistons, 2001-present) - It was hard finding a tight end named Brown who had a football background, so we went with the next best thing. Who better to have in the red zone and in jump ball situations than a man who's 6'11, 270 pounds? Kwame Brown may have failed in the NBA after stealing LeBron's thunder by becoming the 1st player to go #1 overall straight out of high school, but perhaps he can find some pro success by beating LeBron to the punch once again and moving from basketball to football. Kwame's lack of prowess banging on the inside on the hardwood makes him a non-factor in the blocking game, but I think he'll be able to use his size to overcome the occassional bad throw.

Left Tackle: Jammal Brown(New Orleans Saints, 2005-present) - Perhaps the most amazing thing about the Saints' Super Bowl run is the fact that it came without the former 2005 first rounder. Brown might no longer have a home in NOLA, but he's still only 29 and he's worth the injury risk at 6'6, 313lbs.

Left Guard: James Brown(FOX/CBS sportscaster) - Look, there just aren't many notable Browns who can man the left guard spot. J.B. has knowledge of the pro game from all of his years doing pregame shows with FOX and CBS and, as we've seen on television, he has the girth to be adequate inside. The only red flag with J.B. is the lack of mean streak that stems from years of hucking it up with his broadcast mates and overselling jokes like Ed McMahon.

Center: Jason Brown(Baltimore Ravens/St. Louis Rams 2005-present) - I know, you've never heard of Jason Brown either, but he's been a starting center in the NFL for the better part of the last five years, so he'll have to do.

Right Guard: Bobby Brown(R&B legend, former member of the R&B supergroup New Edition) - Many who remember the young Bobby Brown will shout that he's too slim to be play the interior of the offensive line. Well, those people need to cool it now. The newest edition of Bobby Brown hasn't been doing much humpin' around, as he was last seen being large and in charge on Celebrity Fit Club. With his singing career in the crapper, if the former Mr. Whitney Houston wants to try his luck holding up nose tackles....well, that's his prerogative.

Right Tackle: Levi Brown (Arizona Cardinals, 2007-present) - Pretty much a toss-up between Levi and current Texans left tackle Duane Brown, but Levi has experience at the right tackle spot, is a two-time All-Big Ten selection and, at 6'5 and 325 pounds, is far too large to be told "No".

Defensive End: Courtney Brown(Cleveland Browns/Denver Broncos 2000-2006) - Fans of the current Browns team just cringed a little. If this list was made two years from now, we may have went with current Panthers pass-rusher Everette Brown over the former #1 overall pick flameout. Courtney Brown only managed 19 sacks in his 6 year career since being taken with the top pick in 2000 over guys like Brian Urlacher and Shaun Alexander and there was no questioning the guy was a wee bit soft. Courtney only played in 26 games from 2002-2004, but he had a cute little nickname: "The Quiet Storm", which is both a suitable term for Courtney's lack of impact and an ode to one of the best hip-hop songs of the last 10 years.

Defensive Tackle: Gilbert Brown (Green Bay Packers, 1993-1999, 2001-2003) - Speaking of great nicknames, how about "The Gravedigger"? Listed modestly at 6'2, 340 lbs(some reports had him at around 380), Big Gilbert's forte was stopping runners coming up the middle dead in their tracks. He won't give you much in terms of pass rush(just 7 sacks in 8 years) but he clogs up the inside better than Peter North.

Defensive Tackle: Tony Brown(San Francisco 49ers/Carolina Panthers/Tennessee Titans, 2004-current) - Tony's a bit of a journeyman, bouncing around from team to team over the past half decade. He didn't really generate a buzz until last season, when he notched five sacks for the Titans as the replacement for Albert Haynesworth. He's now a restricted free agent with a first-round tender and SI's Peter King has been endorsing teams in the latter part of Round 1 to make an offer to the former Memphis standout. Unlike Gilbert(and, technically, Courtney) Tony Brown has the ability to get to the QB and is still relatively young at 29.

Defensive End: "Bad Bad" LeRoy Brown(fictional character in the legendary Jim Croce song of the same name) - Obviously, it's hard to find measurables for the figment of the imagination of a 70's pop singer. However, when your resume is "badder than ol' King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog", you have to imagine LeRoy Brown is one bad motherfucker. Look, when you're "the baddest man in the whole damn town", you have a spot on this defense(especially when the guy on the other side of the defensive line is Courtney Brown).

Outside Linebacker: Chad Brown(Pittsburgh Steelers/Seattle Seahawks/New England Patriots 1993-2007) - A three-time Pro Bowler with 79 career sacks, Brown's ability to get to the backfield will make up for the lack of pass-rushing experience on the defensive line.

Middle Linebacker: Bushido Brown(part-time character in the Aaron McGruder comic strip-turned-TV show "The Boondocks") He's a kung-fu bodyguard hired by Oprah with a bad ass afro. 'Nuff said.

Outside Linebacker: James Brown("The Godfather of Soul", R&B/funk legend, 1933-2006). Yes, I know, James Brown is no longer with us and, yes, I know, James Brown wasn't exactly a prolific athlete, but for shit's sake, he's "The King of Funk". He's "Mr. Dynamite". When you're "The Hardest Working Man In Show Business" AND "The Sex Machine", that means you have a motor that just won't quit. Plus, who is going to come up with better celebrations after a sack or a pick-6 or a big tackle than James Brown? Don't tell me you can't see people coming from the sidelines rushing to put a cape over "Soul Brother Number One" after he's done leveling a quarterback. HIT ME!

Cornerback: Sheldon Brown(Philadelphia Eagles/Cleveland Browns, 2002-present) - Besides being the inspiration behind this piece, Sheldon Brown is also one hell of a cover corner. In 8 seasons, the former South Carolina product has 19 picks, 119 passes defensed as well as 7 sacks. His arrival to Cleveland probably puts the Browns out of the Joe Haden market in this month's draft and finally gives the Browns a defensive back capable of shutting down the top receivers in the division.

Cornerback: Willie Brown(Denver Broncos/Oakland Raiders 1963-1978) - Speaking of resumes, how about the legendary career of Willie Brown? 9-time Pro Bowler. Hall of Famer. 5-time First Team All-Pro. One of Sporting News' 100 Greatest NFL Players of All-Time. 19th all-time in interceptions with 54. Former owner of the longest interception in Super Bowl history(75 yards in SB XI, which was broken by Pittsburgh's James Harrison's 100-yard return in SB XLIII). If you find someone better, then I've never heard of him.

Free Safety: Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown(Star of the Back To The Future trilogy, inventor of the "Flux Capacitor") - We could have easily went with journeyman C.C. Brown on this one, but when you are the "student of all sciences", you clearly have the smarts to read what the offense is trying to do.

Strong Safety: Chris Brown(singer, domestic abuser) - It's never the right time to make domestic abuse jokes, but the strong safety position is intended for guys who know how to hit and, well, as Rihanna might be able to attest, Chris Brown doesn't just run it, run it, he sure knows how to pack a punch. (Yes, yes, I know, I'm going to Hell. Ladies, feel free to send me all the hate mail.)

Kicker/Punter: Charlie Brown(Legendary cartoon character from the "Peanuts" comic strip) - Josh Brown and his atomic leg would have been the logical pick here but, after decades of being deprived the ability to show off his kicking skills by Lucy van Pelt, we figured it would be nice to give the little a guy a shot with some double duty.

Head Coach: Larry Brown(Legendary NCAA/NBA coach for far too many teams/schools to name, 1972-present) You have to have a guy like Larry Brown running things, if for no other reason than to watch the old man trade away half the roster after the team's first loss.