Brownout

You may have heard that the Philadelphia Eagles and the Cleveland Browns made a trade today. No, the Eagles didn't ship soon-to-be-dealt QB Donovan McNabb to Cleveland. Instead, the Eagles and Browns agreed to a deal sending disgruntled CB Sheldon Brown to Cleveland. The arrival of Brown to a team that shares his surname got me thinking: What if everyone in Cleveland's starting lineup had the last name Brown? With that said, take a glance at your new look Cleveland Browns:

Quarterback: Dave Brown(Former NFL QB with the Giants and Cardinals, 1992-2001) - As Gabe can attest, no franchise would want to have their offense led by the perennially awful Dave Brown. After all, he finished his nine-year career with 44 TDs and 58 picks and he spent most of his pro career perfecting his squat on the bench. Worse than that, he went to Duke. Gross. So why is he here, you ask? Well, a veteran with Brown's experience is always good to have around to tutor your heir apparent. In this case, Dave Brown will be mentoring my QB-in-waiting, Jarrett Brown(whom West Virginia fans already are familiar with and whose name we will be hearing at some point during Draft weekend three weeks from now).

Running back: Jim Brown(Hall of Fame NFL running back with the original Cleveland Browns, 1957-1965) - I flirted with the idea of moving Jim Brown to fullback and giving this spot to one of the more conventional, modern-day running backs like Donald Brown or Ronnie Brown or even Chris Brown. However, at the end of the day, this is Jim "Motherfuckin'" Brown. He is on the Mt. Rushmore of Cleveland sports legends. You don't play him out of position to make room for someone else. If you do, he'll bash in your windshield with a shovel....

Running back #2: Ronnie Brown(Miami Dolphins 2005-present) -....That's why we decided to scrap the old school fullback and instead employ a stable of younger backs to give Jimbo a breather(after all, the man is 73 years old). Ronnie Brown leads that pack. Proficient in the Wildcat offense, Ronnie can be used on the ground, in the air or out of the flat. He's a nice swiss-army knife to have alongside the battering ram that is Jim Brown.

Wide Receiver: Tim Brown: ('87 Heisman winner, L.A./Oakland Raiders 1988-2003) - Who better to have running routes for you than "Touchdown Timmy"? Tim Brown was one of the NFL's great wide receivers, a statement that will eventually solidified with a bust in Canton, Ohio. He was an excellent return man, both in college and in the pros, and he ended his career with a breathtaking resume: 2nd all-time in receiving yards, 3rd in receptions, 3rd in TD catches, and 5th in combined net yards.

Wide Receiver # 2: Troy Brown(New England Patriots, 1993-2007) - After Timmy, the pickings got slim. Troy Brown narrowly beat out Reggie Brown simply because of his ability to do it all. Not only was Troy Brown a solid route-runner who managed to win three Super Bowl rings with the Pats, but he was a capable return man(which is a duty he will share with Tim) and could even play some nickel cornerback if asked.

Tight End: Kwame Brown(NBA center, Washington Wizards/L.A. Lakers/Memphis Grizzlies/Detroit Pistons, 2001-present) - It was hard finding a tight end named Brown who had a football background, so we went with the next best thing. Who better to have in the red zone and in jump ball situations than a man who's 6'11, 270 pounds? Kwame Brown may have failed in the NBA after stealing LeBron's thunder by becoming the 1st player to go #1 overall straight out of high school, but perhaps he can find some pro success by beating LeBron to the punch once again and moving from basketball to football. Kwame's lack of prowess banging on the inside on the hardwood makes him a non-factor in the blocking game, but I think he'll be able to use his size to overcome the occassional bad throw.

Left Tackle: Jammal Brown(New Orleans Saints, 2005-present) - Perhaps the most amazing thing about the Saints' Super Bowl run is the fact that it came without the former 2005 first rounder. Brown might no longer have a home in NOLA, but he's still only 29 and he's worth the injury risk at 6'6, 313lbs.

Left Guard: James Brown(FOX/CBS sportscaster) - Look, there just aren't many notable Browns who can man the left guard spot. J.B. has knowledge of the pro game from all of his years doing pregame shows with FOX and CBS and, as we've seen on television, he has the girth to be adequate inside. The only red flag with J.B. is the lack of mean streak that stems from years of hucking it up with his broadcast mates and overselling jokes like Ed McMahon.

Center: Jason Brown(Baltimore Ravens/St. Louis Rams 2005-present) - I know, you've never heard of Jason Brown either, but he's been a starting center in the NFL for the better part of the last five years, so he'll have to do.

Right Guard: Bobby Brown(R&B legend, former member of the R&B supergroup New Edition) - Many who remember the young Bobby Brown will shout that he's too slim to be play the interior of the offensive line. Well, those people need to cool it now. The newest edition of Bobby Brown hasn't been doing much humpin' around, as he was last seen being large and in charge on Celebrity Fit Club. With his singing career in the crapper, if the former Mr. Whitney Houston wants to try his luck holding up nose tackles....well, that's his prerogative.

Right Tackle: Levi Brown (Arizona Cardinals, 2007-present) - Pretty much a toss-up between Levi and current Texans left tackle Duane Brown, but Levi has experience at the right tackle spot, is a two-time All-Big Ten selection and, at 6'5 and 325 pounds, is far too large to be told "No".

Defensive End: Courtney Brown(Cleveland Browns/Denver Broncos 2000-2006) - Fans of the current Browns team just cringed a little. If this list was made two years from now, we may have went with current Panthers pass-rusher Everette Brown over the former #1 overall pick flameout. Courtney Brown only managed 19 sacks in his 6 year career since being taken with the top pick in 2000 over guys like Brian Urlacher and Shaun Alexander and there was no questioning the guy was a wee bit soft. Courtney only played in 26 games from 2002-2004, but he had a cute little nickname: "The Quiet Storm", which is both a suitable term for Courtney's lack of impact and an ode to one of the best hip-hop songs of the last 10 years.

Defensive Tackle: Gilbert Brown (Green Bay Packers, 1993-1999, 2001-2003) - Speaking of great nicknames, how about "The Gravedigger"? Listed modestly at 6'2, 340 lbs(some reports had him at around 380), Big Gilbert's forte was stopping runners coming up the middle dead in their tracks. He won't give you much in terms of pass rush(just 7 sacks in 8 years) but he clogs up the inside better than Peter North.

Defensive Tackle: Tony Brown(San Francisco 49ers/Carolina Panthers/Tennessee Titans, 2004-current) - Tony's a bit of a journeyman, bouncing around from team to team over the past half decade. He didn't really generate a buzz until last season, when he notched five sacks for the Titans as the replacement for Albert Haynesworth. He's now a restricted free agent with a first-round tender and SI's Peter King has been endorsing teams in the latter part of Round 1 to make an offer to the former Memphis standout. Unlike Gilbert(and, technically, Courtney) Tony Brown has the ability to get to the QB and is still relatively young at 29.

Defensive End: "Bad Bad" LeRoy Brown(fictional character in the legendary Jim Croce song of the same name) - Obviously, it's hard to find measurables for the figment of the imagination of a 70's pop singer. However, when your resume is "badder than ol' King Kong, meaner than a junkyard dog", you have to imagine LeRoy Brown is one bad motherfucker. Look, when you're "the baddest man in the whole damn town", you have a spot on this defense(especially when the guy on the other side of the defensive line is Courtney Brown).

Outside Linebacker: Chad Brown(Pittsburgh Steelers/Seattle Seahawks/New England Patriots 1993-2007) - A three-time Pro Bowler with 79 career sacks, Brown's ability to get to the backfield will make up for the lack of pass-rushing experience on the defensive line.

Middle Linebacker: Bushido Brown(part-time character in the Aaron McGruder comic strip-turned-TV show "The Boondocks") He's a kung-fu bodyguard hired by Oprah with a bad ass afro. 'Nuff said.

Outside Linebacker: James Brown("The Godfather of Soul", R&B/funk legend, 1933-2006). Yes, I know, James Brown is no longer with us and, yes, I know, James Brown wasn't exactly a prolific athlete, but for shit's sake, he's "The King of Funk". He's "Mr. Dynamite". When you're "The Hardest Working Man In Show Business" AND "The Sex Machine", that means you have a motor that just won't quit. Plus, who is going to come up with better celebrations after a sack or a pick-6 or a big tackle than James Brown? Don't tell me you can't see people coming from the sidelines rushing to put a cape over "Soul Brother Number One" after he's done leveling a quarterback. HIT ME!

Cornerback: Sheldon Brown(Philadelphia Eagles/Cleveland Browns, 2002-present) - Besides being the inspiration behind this piece, Sheldon Brown is also one hell of a cover corner. In 8 seasons, the former South Carolina product has 19 picks, 119 passes defensed as well as 7 sacks. His arrival to Cleveland probably puts the Browns out of the Joe Haden market in this month's draft and finally gives the Browns a defensive back capable of shutting down the top receivers in the division.

Cornerback: Willie Brown(Denver Broncos/Oakland Raiders 1963-1978) - Speaking of resumes, how about the legendary career of Willie Brown? 9-time Pro Bowler. Hall of Famer. 5-time First Team All-Pro. One of Sporting News' 100 Greatest NFL Players of All-Time. 19th all-time in interceptions with 54. Former owner of the longest interception in Super Bowl history(75 yards in SB XI, which was broken by Pittsburgh's James Harrison's 100-yard return in SB XLIII). If you find someone better, then I've never heard of him.

Free Safety: Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown(Star of the Back To The Future trilogy, inventor of the "Flux Capacitor") - We could have easily went with journeyman C.C. Brown on this one, but when you are the "student of all sciences", you clearly have the smarts to read what the offense is trying to do.

Strong Safety: Chris Brown(singer, domestic abuser) - It's never the right time to make domestic abuse jokes, but the strong safety position is intended for guys who know how to hit and, well, as Rihanna might be able to attest, Chris Brown doesn't just run it, run it, he sure knows how to pack a punch. (Yes, yes, I know, I'm going to Hell. Ladies, feel free to send me all the hate mail.)

Kicker/Punter: Charlie Brown(Legendary cartoon character from the "Peanuts" comic strip) - Josh Brown and his atomic leg would have been the logical pick here but, after decades of being deprived the ability to show off his kicking skills by Lucy van Pelt, we figured it would be nice to give the little a guy a shot with some double duty.

Head Coach: Larry Brown(Legendary NCAA/NBA coach for far too many teams/schools to name, 1972-present) You have to have a guy like Larry Brown running things, if for no other reason than to watch the old man trade away half the roster after the team's first loss.