Milk Carton All-Stats of the Week....6/23/09

Being away for five days while on vacation meant depriving my loyal readers(all of three of you) of my expertise. It also meant that I had to deliver upon my return. So as a special treat to those in withdrawal over the weekend, I have brought not one, not two, but a THREE man dance for America's favorite weekly feature: The Milk Carton All-Star of the Week. Fear not, Roasters(or Boominites?), this triple decker white bread sandwich is going to have you scrambling for the peanut butter and jelly in no time.

At first glance, you would think that you're looking at the NBA version of the cast of Three Men and a Baby. However, the three gentlemen you see before you are Saucy Aussie Luc Longley, Bearded Bill Wennington and The Original Birdman Will Perdue(It's a chicken reference, people!). What do these three Sunbeamers have in common? They're all legendary centers of the Chicago Bulls dynasty during the early 90s and examples A, B, and C that you don't neccesarily need a competant big man to win a championship. Let's get to know them a little better, shall we:

Luc Longley: Longley was drafted 7th overall by the Minnesota Timberwolves in 1991(ahead of All-Stars like Terrell Brandon, Dale Davis and Chris Gatling). After two uninspiring seasons, Minnesota pulled off a blockbuster trade by shipping Longley to Chicago for Stacey King. Once a Bull, he preceded to ride the greatness of Michael Jordan into three NBA championships from 1996 to 1998. No longer able to ride MJ's coattails after His Airness' 2nd retirement, Longley was shipped to Phoenix in a sign and trade for Columbia High School legend Mark Bryant, Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a conditional first round pick. Seriously. Much to the surprise of noone, Longley bombed in the desert and made history again by being part of the NBA's first four team trade that sent Longley to New York and an aging Pat Ewing to Seattle(also involved in that trade: Chris Dudley and Travis Knight...just incase you haven't gotten enough tall, goofy white guys in this piece yet). Longley spent one year in the Big Apple before being forced to retire because of mediocrity and irrelevence. For his career, Longley finished with averages of 7 points and 5 rebounds per game to go along with having three more rings than Karl Malone, Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing.

Bill Wennington: Wennington was selected 16th overall in 1985 by the Dallas Mavericks, just ahead of guys like Joe Dumars and Terry Porter. After being dealt to Sacramento in 1990, Wennington and his sweet facial hair would take a tour of Italy before striking gold as Jordan's ball boy during the 2nd Bulls three-peat from '96-'98(Wennington signed with Chicago in '93, just missing the first three-peat which would have given him 6 championship rings.....a concept that makes Derrick Coleman spin in his grave). Wennington never started more than 20 games for Chicago as he was the chief backup to the afforementioned Luc Longley(Side note: It has to be a kick in the balls to know you won three titles sitting behind a guy who got stung by a scorpion while sorting through his CD collection). Unlike Longley, Wennington stuck around the debris that was the post-Jordan Bulls before spending one last season in Sacramento in 1999. He would finish his career with an astounding 4 points and 3 rebounds per game to go along with his standing as perhaps the only player in NBA history to win three championships and not even have a Wikipedia page. But, boy, did he have one sweet ass playoff beard!

Will Perdue: However, before Wennington and Longley, there was Will Perdue, who wrote the blueprint for How To Win A Championship Simply By Being A Tall, Talentless Stiff On A Team With Great Players. Perdue was drafted by Chicago in 1988, over notable stars like "Thunder" Dan Majerle and the sharp-shooting Brian Shaw. He spent the early part of the 90's taking up space in the paint while occassionally moving out of Michael Jordan's way to the tune of three titles from 1991 to 1993. After being traded to San Antonio for Dennis Rodman, Perdue showed signs of life filling in for David Robinson and was able to piggy back Robinson and a young Tim Duncan for his 4th championship ring(Yes, folks, Will Perdue has as many championships as Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal. Tell him how his ass tastes!!) Perdue would return to Chicago one last time in 1998 before wrapping it up in Portland a year later. All in all, he would finish his career with averages of 5 points and 5 rebounds a game as well as cementing his status as a role model for all aspiring awkward big men forced to sit on the end of benchs of perennial playoff teams. Or as Reggie Miller would call them: Lucky bastards.

So, a round of applause of Michael Jordan's background dancers, Will Perdue, Luc Longley and Bill Wennington....they were as great as they were relevant.