The BoomRoasted Hot 100* (100-91)

It seems like every year Maxim Magazine comes out with their list of the 100 Hottest Women and I find objections to it. Two years ago, I wrote a piece about 10 women Maxim left out of their Hot 100.(Note: You'll find 9 of the 10 in this list. Sorry, Gillian Jacobs.). This year's Maxim Hot 100 was a bit more ridiculous. Now, I'm willing to admit that my dial isn't as tuned to the entertainment world as it once was and that the reason I don't know some of the names on Maxim's list stems from more so from my ignorance than theirs but I'm informed enough to know that Stephen Colbert isn't a hot chick and Lois Griffin isn't a real woman. Both of those names can be found in the 2012 Hot 100 which, to me, lowers the validity of the list. Granted, this year's Maxim list was voted on by the fans so we have nobody to blame but ourselves but there's something foolish about putting a male comedian in a list of the world's most attractive women. Sure, it's not meant to be taken seriously but when dealing with delivering a fair list of hot women to the oversexed masses, sometimes you have to take matters away from the more democratic methods and become more of a dictatorship.

That's why I, with help from some friends, composed my own list of the hottest women on the planet. Comprising this list didn't come without a few ground rules. First, no porn stars(My apologies, Bree Olsen). No women who have been significantly enhanced by the world of plastic surgery(This means you, Heidi Montag) and everyone on the list has to have some form of relevance(although there will be a debate on at least a couple on this list towards that requisite). Making a list of 100 hot chicks seemed like an easy and fun venture but it actually proved to be quite difficult when it came down to making final cuts. That's why I'd like to make some honorable mentions before we get started with picks 100-91.

*Kristen Stewart was in, then out, then back in, then out again. At the end of the day, nobody could make a strong argument for her candidacy. She's cute, but she's spent a large majority of her new found relevance looking like she needs more sunlight than Twilight. Perhaps when she looks a little less pale, she'll crack the list.

*If we were making this list between seasons 1 and 2 of "Jersey Shore", Jennifer "J-Woww" Farley would have made the list. However, something happened over the last couple of years to J-Woww that made her go from viable pinup girl to looking like someone sucked the life out of her face with a Hoover vaccuum. Thanks to an already notorious boob job and what now looks like some face work, we had to eliminate J-Woww from the list.

*Hardest cut of them all: Anna Faris. There are going to be people on this list that you'll say "What!? She's hotter than Anna Faris!? No way!". You might be right. However, as with Kristen Stewart, nobody could make a compelling case to keep Faris in. Was she hot in "The House Bunny"? Sure. Cute in the Scary Movie series? Absolutely. Did she make crazy look sexy in "Just Friends"? Yes. Did any of that happen in the last two years? No. Nobody's checking for Anna Faris these days. The same thing for Kirsten Dunst, who will find herself replaced as "the hot chick in the Spider-Man movie" by Emma Stone this summer when "The Amazing Spider-Man" comes out.

On to the bottom 10 of the list:

100/101. Hope Solo and Alex Morgan(U.S. Soccer). You know these two as the most prominent stars of the U.S.'s women's national soccer team. Ultimately, it was difficult to put one higher than the other. They are both extremely cute and are shoe-ins for any list of the world's hottest female athletes. It was also tough to put them higher than the bottom of the list. Solo and Morgan may look better than your typical sporty chicks but they are still pretty faces with athlete's bodies. Some guys like women with an eight-pack. I'm not as keen on that. Sure, you'll find wrestling women on this list but you'll also find they are a bit more, er, busty, than this dynamic duo. Shallow? Sure. But they are on the list, nonetheless. Fortunately for them, they have the entire Olympics to make their case to move up next time around.



99. Kat Dennings("Two Broke Girls", "40-Year Old Virgin"). Another name we struggled with was Kat Dennings. Sure, she has an excellent body but her face....well, leaves much to be desired. She also has that Kristen Stewart problem of not getting enough sun. In her defense, she's one half of the two reasons to watch "Two Broke Girls" on CBS and she managed to stand out in "40-Year Old Virgin" amongst women whose sole purpose was to be eye candy. She's young. She'll get more attractive as time passes but she's a work in progress at this point.

98. Claire Coffee("The League", "Grimm", "Franklin & Bash"). The problem with Claire Coffee isn't that she doesn't have the looks because, let's face it, she's adorable. The problem is lack of exposure. Her cameo on "The League" was short-lived as a concierge in Season 1. She did a few episodes of "Grimm", which has now been cancelled. She's currently on "Franklin & Bash", which is sure to join "Grimm" on the cutting room floor any day now. She's a diamond in the rough, but a very shiny diamond at that. If you can talk yourself into watching Zach Morris as a lawyer, then Claire is a good enough reward for your wasted hour. Here's hoping we see more of her on a TV show that doesn't suck.

97. Halle Berry("Swordfish", Monster's Ball"). In the initial list, Halle Berry was left out....and with good reason. She's pushing 50 and she hasn't made a movie worth watching since the X-Men 3. The days of paying $12.50 to watch Halle naked like some of us did with "Swordfish" are over. That being said, this is HALLE FUCKING BERRY! You can't have a list of the world's hottest women and not have her on it. It's an argument you'll lose. Unless some tragedy occurs where Halle is horribly disfigured or ends up like Whitney Houston in her bath tub, Berry's a candidate every year. She's aged well. Could she be more relevant? Sure. But let's see how you rush to get Gabrielle Union on this list when she's knocking on the door of her fifth decade(Spoiler Alert: Gabrielle Union isn't on this list. Sorry, D-Wade.)

96. Cobie Smulders("The Avengers", "How I Met Your Mother"). Smulders got a late axe before typing this but was re-installed after this debate: How can you write a blog two years ago pining for Smulders' candidacy, then cut her from your own list when she's become more relevant? It's a valid question. With HIMYM still going strong and Smulders lighting it up in "The Avengers" as Agent Maria Hill, now is not the time to cut the cord on Cobie. She's Canadian, which is proof you can't win 'em all and her ears look like Liv Tyler's in the "Lord of the Rings" movies but she's still damn sexy so she gets the tentative nod here in the bottom 10.









95. Katy Mixon ("Eastbound & Down", "Mike & Molly"). Truth be told, it was Mixon's role as April Buchanon and not the excellence of Danny McBride's "Kenny Powers" that first caught my attention on "Eastbound & Down". My God, what a beautiful woman! The body? Ridiculous. The smile? Magnetic. With her gone in Season 2, I lost all motivation to even watch the show. My wife hipped me to the fact that Mixon can be found on "Mike & Molly". You would think all the award-winning acclaim would have drawn me to the show before but it didn't. With Mixon in the fold, I'm in. Same goes for her return in Season 3 of "Eastbound & Down". The mark of a hot woman is her ability to get you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Making a CBS comedy not named "Big Bang Theory" appointment television? Well, that's a mark of a hot woman.

94. Rashida Jones ("Parks & Rec", "I Love You, Man"). Like Cobie Smulders, Rashida Jones was on the list of snubbed women from the 2010 Maxim Hot 100. Jones first caught my eye on "Chapelle's Show", first in a skit about "Roc-A-Pads" and then in the "Love Contract" sketch that preceded the infamous "Rick James True Hollywood Stories". From there, she had a brief stint on "The Office" as Jim Halpert's girlfriend before common sense stepped in and he went back to Jenna Fischer. Now, you can find her on "Parks & Rec", an "Office" knock-off which has occasional bouts of humor in it. Jones is the best of a crop of semi-attractive women. Amy Pohler received consideration for this list, as did Aubrey Plaza. Ultimately, we settled on Jones and if you re-watch "The Love Contract", you'll see why.


93. Sonya Walger ("Mind of a Married Man", "Tell Me You Love Me", "Lost"). Sonya Walger seems to always find work on shows that either fail to catch my interest or don't last very long when they do. I first noticed her on "Mind of a Married Man", which I thought deserved to be on longer than a season and a half. From there, she moved on to "Lost", which I gave up on after two episodes. She bounced around a bevy of failed shows: "FlashForward", "Tell Me You Love Me", "In Treatment", "The Sarah Connor Chronicles". Now, she's on USA's new buddy cop show, "Common Law", which I want to get into but am afraid that it will get the axe prematurely like the rest of Walger's work. If it does, it won't be because Walger doesn't have the goods. In a weird way, she could pass for Claire Coffee's sister, which would explain their horrible luck in finding a show to stick with.

92. Katie Aselton ("The League") It's a little high for Aselton here. I'll grant you that. The case can even be made she's not even the best looking woman on her own show(You can argue Nadine Velazquez, who plays Sofia, is hotter). There's a certain attractiveness about Aselton though. Maybe it's because she fits in so well with the guys on "The League". Maybe it's the cute smile or well-sculpted body. Sure, she doesn't have the boobs of Sonya Walger or Rashida Jones' legs and her tush pales in comparison to others on this list but she has her own brand of sexiness, which shows at times on "The League". Again, you can make the case for ranking her lower but I think 92 is right about where she deserves to be.

91. Layla El(WWE Women's Champion) Gabe is going to bust my balls for having a wrestler on here(and perhaps even more so when Kelly Kelly's name appears later on the list). Whatever. Layla's smoking hot. I'm not going to give you some cheesy line that you see magazines do about women who are hot and can fight. "Oh, not only is she hot but she can kick your ass." None of that. Physically, she's the total package(like a female Lex Luger, perhaps?). Her and Kelly's standing the two hottest females on Raw give Vince McMahon the hottest 1-2 punch he's had since the days of Lita and Trish Stratus. Her matches are short-lived, as is her camera time but, if you aren't an avid wrestling fan, she's worth a watch or, at the very least, a Google search.