Fake NBA Headline of the Week: Boycotting His Airness

Throughout his illustrious career, Micheal Jordan was as synonymous with selling sneakers as he was winning championships and dunking from the foul line.

That distinction seems poised to take a hit. Fourteen current NBA players signed to represent Jordan's clothing company have announced that they're done with being a part of the Jordan brand after the legendary Chicago Bull-turned-Charlotte Bobcats owner "turned his back" on the players at labor negotiations during the NBA lockout.

Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony, Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade, Celtics guard Ray Allen, Hawks swingman Joe Johnson and new Clippers point man Chris Paul were some of the more notable names to pull their names off Jordan's roster. Others include Rockets shooter Kevin Martin, Blazers forward Gerald Wallace and a man who currently finds himself the awkward position of working under Jordan in two capacities: Bobcats point guard D.J. Augustin.

Said Augustin of the possibility of backlash from MJ over removing himself from Jordan's clothing company: "Maybe he'll trade me for peanuts like he did everybody else on this team."

The players' argument is that Jordan, who endured the same labor strife prior to his second retirement in 1998, flipped on the player's union he was once the most popular member of by publicly championing the owners to remain vigilant in their stance against the players, even if it meant the loss of the 2011 NBA season. Because of that, they are done with the Jordan brand and asking fans for a nationwide boycott of His Airness' gear as a sign of solidarity against the man who they feel, not only wronged the players, but hurt the fans as well by keeping the lockout alive.

"He wants us to go out there and represent his clothing line and make him some money and then, at the same time, he's whispering in David Stern's ear to try to keep US from getting paid? It's crazy, man." said Carmelo Anthony. Added D-Wade: "Would MJ the player still wear Nikes if Phil Knight was telling Commissioner Stern to keep the lockout going and take food out of his family's mouth? I bet not. His ass would probably retire again."

The most visibly upset of the departing stars was Paul, who not only blames Jordan for his role in maintaining the lockout but also in shutting down last week's potential three-team trade that would have sent CP3 to the Los Angeles Lakers. "It's hard for me, man." said Paul. "First he tried to kill the season. Now.....I mean, I might have been a Laker if not for him. Nothing against the Clippers. I'm happy to be here and L.A. is L.A., regardless, but what he did to us was not right." continued the former Hornet.

Paul, one of the classiest and most mild-mannered men in the league, couldn't control his anger from goating him into taking one last swipe at his former boss and mentor: "I guess a man who never made a good trade in his life wouldn't know one if it was staring him right in the face."

The story first came about during the photo shoot for SLAM Magazine's 2011 NBA preview. On the controversial cover, Paul is flanked by Anthony and Wade and seen ripping a Jordan poster in half. The interview with the three stars featured quotes taking shots similar to the previous quote from Paul, with the trio weighing in on everything from Jordan's alleged betrayal to MJ's lack of success running not one, but two NBA franchises into the ground while calling the shots in the front office. "He crushed the Wizards. He's crushing the Bobcats and now he's crushing his own brand by turning his back on the guys who helped build his label. Maybe he should have just stuck with playing basketball." Wade says in the interview.

When asked for his opinion on the matter following the boycott and the SLAM interview, Ray Allen offered some insight....and then took a jab of his own: "For us, it's like we were stabbed in the back by one of our own. Mike's been through all this before. If anyone should understand what we were going through being locked out, it should be him. I understand he has to look out for the owners because he is one, but rather than be the voice of reason for us, he was trying to shut us down." said the all-time three point leader "If he was betting on us still working with him after that, then maybe he's as bad a gambler as they say he is."

The stars didn't offer up what they plan to endorse now that they've left Jordan, but Wade said that he'd had talks with teammate LeBron James to start his own clothing line through his deal with Nike and build it with the guys leaving Jordan when their contracts are up and then joked: "But according to ya'll, 'Bron ain't enough of a leader to do all that."

Jordan couldn't be reached for comment when asked for his reaction to the boycott. A Jordan spokesperson also declined comment beyond a reminder that the players were under contract with Jordan and that they would handle the matter internally. Commissioner David Stern called it a "business matter" and "not something the NBA's concerned with". He also added "It took us five months to get the players on the court. What they wear once they get there is the least of our worries."

Fake NBA Headline of The Week: Doug Christie Gets Mollywhopped By Wife

(Note: Even though the NBA lockout is over, we feel it is our duty, especially after the critical acclaim from last week's "Fake NBA Headline of the Week", to keep this thing going until the boys return to the hardwood this Christmas. Who knows? Maybe we'll keep it going after that. Once again, these are not REAL headlines.)



For 15 seasons in the NBA, Doug Christie locked down some of the best offensive attacks the game of basketball has seen.

However, it was the offensive onslaught from his ill-tempered wife, Jackie, that the four-time All-NBA defensive teamer couldn't defend. Police were called to the Christie residence late last night to find the former Sacramento Kings guard unconscious on the floor in his spacious living following what can only be described as a hellacious beatdown from his controlling better half. Los Angeles PD detained Jackie Christie, Doug's wife and star of the hard-to-watch Basketball Wives: LA on VH1, after she admitted to assaulting her husband.

According to Mrs. Christie, she arrived at her home to find her husband watching materials she deemed unacceptable. Before any words can be exchanged, punches were thrown, most notably by Jackie, who claimed she landed two strong right crosses to the side of her husband's face after nailing him with her pocketbook. Clearly staggered, a weakened Doug tried to fight off his hard-charging wife by holding back her arms but Jackie was able to overpower him. After a struggle, Jackie slammed Doug to the floor, where he hit his head on the corner of an table, rendering him unconscious. Out cold, Doug still took a barrage of punches from Jackie until neighbors, who heard a lot of screaming and yelling, called 911 to rush authorities to the scene. Doug Christie was rushed to Cedars-Sinai for multiple contusions to the face and upper body.

Mrs. Christie played the incident off as a "misunderstanding" and that her "temper got the best of her" but assured the handful of fans that her recent run-in with the law would not interfere, unfortunately, with the filming of the new season of her reality show. Former NBA center John Salley, who now moonlights as the host of VH1's various reunion "specials", told the Associated Press "Anyone who's seen Jackie on her show knows she ain't afraid to throw hands..." said Spider, "Of course, I realize that's only a small group of people." he added.

Doug Christie was finally able to be reached for comment after he was assured his heavy-hitting wife was far from his hospital bed. He said that he didn't defend himself at first to prevent the story from turning into the "typical story about a basketball player beating his wife" but added "that was the worst ass-whooping of my life." When asked if this latest fiasco would lead to him finally leaving his hot-headed significant other, Christie meekly shook his head no, saying "I'd like to, but I'm too damn scared. Plus, no network is going to give a reality show to a guy who just got beat down by his wife."

Chuck Finley feels your pain, Doug.

Fake NBA Headline of The Week: LBJ to Fans "Stop Calling Me Pippen"

(Note: With the 2011 NBA season in jeopardy, we here at BoomRoastedSports thought we'd fill the void by coming up with our own pro basketball stories until the players and owners can come up with some of their own that doesn't involve millionaires and billionaires fighting over money. These are fake stories based off nothing but our own creativity, so please don't try to take it and run with it when we post "Chris Paul Traded To Bobcats" in two months.)

LeBron James came into the NBA in 2003 with the expectations that he will, not might, be the next Michael Jordan. However, the man known as "King James" isn't bothered by his inability thus far to live up to the lofty goals of replacing His Airness. Instead, the 26-year old former MVP has other reasons to be frustrated.

"Every time I touch the ball, all I hear is 'Scot-tie Pip-pen!' from the crowd. It's getting a little annoying." James said after his Miami Heat lost 121-111 to the Atlanta Hawks Tuesday night. The close loss to the Hawks last night still gives M-I-A the 2nd best record in the East at 7-3 behind the surprising 8-3 Bucks and fourth best in the league behind the 11-2 Warriors and the 10-2 defending champion Dallas Mavericks. "I mean, Scottie Pippen was named one of the 50 Greatest Players in NBA history and it's an honor for my name to be paired with his but I'd like to think the home fans would be better than that."

Yes, that's right. Fans IN MIAMI have been not-so-subtly alluding to James being a second fiddle on a Heat team that came thisclose to an NBA championship. Part of the reaction may be due to the fact that James' teammate, Dwayne Wade, is the early season front-runner for the MVP with an awesome 33 points, 6 rebounds and 6 assists per game stat line through 10 games for the 1st place Heat. After all, this IS Miami-Wade County, a fact not lost on LBJ: "D-Wade has made it known for years that this is HIS house. I get that, but I've always considered me and Dwayne equals. These people pay their money to see us play. They can do what they want, but I find some of the chants disturbing."

Being compared to "Flash" was something "The Akron Hammer" had to anticipate when he agreed to come to South Beach along with Chris Bosh last summer. However, James said there was a couple of examples of fan displeasure that went too far. "I saw a lady in the front row with a huge sign that said 'Delonte's better!' in big bold letters with a smiley face and a greater than sign above my name and, at first, I chuckled. Then, I looked closer and realized it was my mom."

The chants haven't been lost on James' high-priced teammates either. "It's unfortunate," said Wade, "You know, he could have just as easily went to New York last summer and lit up the Garden every night. He chose to come here and be a part of something that could be a big part of NBA history. Regardless of how I'm playing, LeBron's my boy and I wouldn't wish that kind of treatment on my worst enemy, let alone my teammate." Chris Bosh was a bit more coy: "I mean, at least the fans are recognizing him, good or bad. They care enough to scream at him. I get mistaken for Lamar Odom at least three times a week."

Perhaps, the All-Star forward will get a bit more recognition when the Heat take on Bosh's former team, the Toronto Raptors, on Friday night. As for James and the Pippen comparisons, Charles Barkley had a different take on things: "LeBron's no Scottie Pippen! Scottie got six rings! LeBron's got none! The fans need to be chanting 'Karl Malone' at his ass!"

Or perhaps "Charles Barkley".