Fake NBA Headline of The Week: Doug Christie Gets Mollywhopped By Wife

(Note: Even though the NBA lockout is over, we feel it is our duty, especially after the critical acclaim from last week's "Fake NBA Headline of the Week", to keep this thing going until the boys return to the hardwood this Christmas. Who knows? Maybe we'll keep it going after that. Once again, these are not REAL headlines.)



For 15 seasons in the NBA, Doug Christie locked down some of the best offensive attacks the game of basketball has seen.

However, it was the offensive onslaught from his ill-tempered wife, Jackie, that the four-time All-NBA defensive teamer couldn't defend. Police were called to the Christie residence late last night to find the former Sacramento Kings guard unconscious on the floor in his spacious living following what can only be described as a hellacious beatdown from his controlling better half. Los Angeles PD detained Jackie Christie, Doug's wife and star of the hard-to-watch Basketball Wives: LA on VH1, after she admitted to assaulting her husband.

According to Mrs. Christie, she arrived at her home to find her husband watching materials she deemed unacceptable. Before any words can be exchanged, punches were thrown, most notably by Jackie, who claimed she landed two strong right crosses to the side of her husband's face after nailing him with her pocketbook. Clearly staggered, a weakened Doug tried to fight off his hard-charging wife by holding back her arms but Jackie was able to overpower him. After a struggle, Jackie slammed Doug to the floor, where he hit his head on the corner of an table, rendering him unconscious. Out cold, Doug still took a barrage of punches from Jackie until neighbors, who heard a lot of screaming and yelling, called 911 to rush authorities to the scene. Doug Christie was rushed to Cedars-Sinai for multiple contusions to the face and upper body.

Mrs. Christie played the incident off as a "misunderstanding" and that her "temper got the best of her" but assured the handful of fans that her recent run-in with the law would not interfere, unfortunately, with the filming of the new season of her reality show. Former NBA center John Salley, who now moonlights as the host of VH1's various reunion "specials", told the Associated Press "Anyone who's seen Jackie on her show knows she ain't afraid to throw hands..." said Spider, "Of course, I realize that's only a small group of people." he added.

Doug Christie was finally able to be reached for comment after he was assured his heavy-hitting wife was far from his hospital bed. He said that he didn't defend himself at first to prevent the story from turning into the "typical story about a basketball player beating his wife" but added "that was the worst ass-whooping of my life." When asked if this latest fiasco would lead to him finally leaving his hot-headed significant other, Christie meekly shook his head no, saying "I'd like to, but I'm too damn scared. Plus, no network is going to give a reality show to a guy who just got beat down by his wife."

Chuck Finley feels your pain, Doug.