Milk Carton All-Star of the Decade....2000-2009

Unless you live in a warped universe of which there is no calender or perception of time(Read: Las Vegas), you are well aware that we are just a few days away from the closing of the first decade of the new millennium(though, I guess if you want to be nitpicky, you can say that event won't be 'til this time next year, but whatever). Anyway, in honor of what I believe is the end of the Aughts, I'm delivering a week's worth of decade-oriented pieces for you. Today, we'll be unveiling the Milk Carton All-Star of the Decade. Later in the week, I'll give you who I think are the best and worst sports franchises of the decade as well as the decade's biggest story(in my opinion, at least) as well as the decade's most undervalued story.

So, leading off the week, I selected someone whose outlandish personality combined with his disparaging hype/worth ratio made him the clear-cut representative for athletic obscurity over the course of the last nine years. Here goes:

Before he was an ignorant, loud mouth, stone-handed, first round waste of space, Freddie Mitchell was first introduced to the world on a segment of the old "Tonight Show with Jay Leno" called "Jaywalking", in which Leno goes around town asking the public simple questions and then airing their retarded responses. It was only fitting that the self-proclaimed "FredEx" would then deliver the goods in his TV debut. When asked who the first U.S. President was, Mitchell(a history major) said Ben Franklin. Mitchell claimed he intentionally botched the answer to get himself on TV, which should tell you everything about how low the man will go for some face time.

That early dose of blatant stupidity didn't stop the Philadelphia Eagles from nabbing Mitchell with the 25th overall pick in the 2001 NFL Draft over guys like Reggie Wayne, Chad Johnson, Steve Smith, and T.J. Houshmanzadeh. Oops. Mitchell rewarded the Eagles' intuition by catching all of 90 passes for just under 1,300 yards and 5 touchdowns......in four seasons. Yes, folks, in Freddie Mitchell's entire career, he managed the same statistical output as one season of any of the aforementioned four receivers taken after him.

So what makes Mitchell stand out from other mediocre wideouts of his ilk. Well, to put it bluntly: His big fucking mouth. While the wide receiver position is known for its flamboyance and posturing, Mitchell took those diva qualities to the next level. For one, there was his slew of nicknames: The People's Champ(very original), The Sultan of Slot(catchy) First Down Freddie, Fourth Down Freddie, the aforementioned FredEx(because he always delivers, you know), Hollywood, Puppetmaster, and of course, 4th and 26 Freddie.

"4th and 26 Freddie" comes from one of the rare moments of relevance in Mitchell's career when, in a divisional playoff game against Green Bay, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb hit Mitchell for a 28-yard catch down the middle of the field on 4th and 26 to keep what would be the game-tying drive alive. It was obviously the most notable play of Mitchell's career, but he'd have you believe it was the second coming of the Immaculate Reception.

A year later, the Eagles would acquire another arrogant, self-absorbed wideout with a large yap: Terrell Owens. Unlike Mitchell, Owens produced in his first year in Philly, helping the Eagles make it to the Super Bowl. That, of course, didn't stop Mitchell from succumbing to his life-long addiction to microphones during Media Week leading up to the Super Bowl. During an interview with ESPN's Dan Patrick, Mitchell deliberately slighted the Patriots' Pro Bowl secondary, as he claimed to not know any of them by name but only by number. That forced a response from the usually sullen Bill Belichick, who proceeded to say of Mitchell: "All he does is talk. He's terrible, and you can print that."

Belichick's critique as well as Mitchell's ho-hum career numbers didn't stop Mitchell from declaring to the media during a press conference that he'd "like to thank his hands for being so great". The Eagles thought otherwise and, shortly after the Super Bowl, sent Mitchell packing. As did the Chiefs, shortly after Mitchell signed with them that same year.

With his pro career over, Mitchell allegedly served as a substitute teacher in Indiana in November of 2006, according to a report by sports gossip site Deadspin. In the summer of 2008, Mitchell opened up a BBQ restaurant in Florida called "Brothers", which was closed down less than a year later after both an investigation of a package containing seven pounds of weed found in Mitchell's restaurant and a suit alleging Mitchell failed to make payments on the business. Earlier this month, Mitchell was stopped for speeding and then later arrested for a failure to pay child support.

So let's give one last drop of attention for the man whose hands were so great, he could never catch a clue.......This decade's biggest douchebag: Freddie Mitchell, everybody!