Remember Us?

We've gone M.I.A. for the better part of the last two weeks, much to the chagrin of our loyal readers(all seven of you). Gabe's been on vacation and just generally moving at the speed it takes Dr. Dre to finish his "Detox" album. Me? Well, simply put, I'm just a lazy bastard. I'd love to tell you I've been spending the summer spelunking in Puerto Rico, but, truth be told, I just didn't have the motivation to put fingers to keys(although, apparently, Swizz Beatz has.....zing!). The lack of notable sports stories hasn't helped either, as the post-LeBron-a-palooza hasn't given us much to sink our teeth into. Sure, there's Favre's August soap opera but it's hard to type the name "Favre" without my computer popping up with the question "Did you mean "douche"?

Anyway, enough time has passed since you last heard from us, so here's my take on a few notable stories.

*It's time for basketball-loving human beings, American or otherwise, to quit pretending that Shaquille O'Neal can still be a important contributor to a contender like so many have been suggesting now that "The Diesel" has landed in Beantown. We've seen this story before. Last year, Shaq sat in a chair, nearly causing its legs to snap, and proclaimed his mission was to "Win a ring for the King". Instead, Shaq decided to be out-of-shape and clog the paint worse than Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles clogs Terrence Cody's arteries. Now, the man formerly known as "The Big Aerostotle" wants us to believe it's "all about winning", eventhough he hasn't been "all about exercising" since he won his last NBA title with the Heat(and even then, he was a bit doughy). Look, Shaq's 38. He's coming off a season where he went 12 and 8 on a team with no real proven inside presence in an Eastern Conference with one or two legit big men(depending on if you think Kevin Garnett is still alive). Now, I'm supposed to believe a man whose ego helped cause the destruction of what may have been the greatest NBA dynasty of our generation(the Shaq/Kobe Lakers) is willing to check himself into a role player's suit to win a title in Boston.

Fat chance(yes, pun intended). Shaq doesn't want to work to be great anymore. It's been his downfall for the better part of the last decade. He was a big man blessed with an amazing combination of freakish strength and impressive quickness. There is no reason he shouldn't be sitting on his eight ring and being touted as the greatest big man of all-time. He just never wanted it THAT much. He never wanted it like KG wanted in 2008, like Kobe wanted it after Shaq left. He just wants you to believe he wants it. Now, I love Shaq. Growing up, he was my favorite player and his Lakers jersey still sits in my closet and gets taken out every now and again when I get the wild hair in my ass to lace 'em up for some hoop.....but it's over. Even if he's running at a higher speed than he did last year with Cleveland, it's far-fetched to think a frontcourt with a washed-up Shaq, an increasingly more washed-up Jermaine O'Neal, a one-legged KG, a one-eyed Big Baby and a hobbled Kendrick Perkins can really duplicate last year's miracle run. Sure, we were wrong about the Celtics last year....but that was LAST YEAR. An old team is now older and spent the offseason bringing in more relics for their collection. Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice, fellas....even with all the thunder provided by Shaq's large footsteps.

*Preseason football has kicked off and ESPN trotted out their Monday Night Football trio for the first time in 2010 today for the surprisingly-entertaining Panthers-Ravens clash tonight. Many eyes this season will be on the Jets or Chris Johnson or Brett Favre or Big Ben or the Cowboys. You know who I'm keeping a watchful eye on this upcoming NFL season? Former Bucs coach/MNF loudmouth Jon Gruden. Gruden was like Fred Astaire in his broadcasting rookie season last year with his unwillingness to step on toes. Now that he's locked in to the Worldwide Leader for a couple more years(though I can't see that stopping him taking an NFL gig if someone throws enough money at him), it will be interesting to see if Gruden gets a bit more critical this year. Look, I thought Gruden was overrated as a coach and that the bulk of his success was built on a Tampa Bay foundation put in place by Tony Dungy(who is head, shoulders and feet above "Chucky" as a coach) and I find his reputation as a "QB guru" to be completely overhyped. Yes, he won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson. He also failed to make a QB out of Chris Simms and couldn't turn Bruce Gradkowski, Brian Griese and Shaun King into anything but subpar NFL backups. Three division titles in seven years, a 3-2 playoff record, and a Super Bowl win with a team that was nearly 90% put in place by the coach before you hardly makes you a "genius" or a "guru" or any kind of legend.

But that's Gruden the coach. Gruden the announcer is just plain annoying. When he isn't trying to big himself up by taking numerous trips down memory lane, he's busy being Capt. Obvious. "Oh, the Ravens' offensive line is big!". No shit, Sherlock. "Brett Favre still has a cannon for an arm." Thanks for the update. I want to see the mean Gruden. I want to see "Chucky". I want to see Gruden flirt with getting into some hot water by saying some things he shouldn't say. I want him to make ESPN execs nervous. All the NFL Films clips of Gruden the coach show him as some foul-mouthed shit-talker. Give me THAT Gruden. If I wanted generic observations, I'd scan YouTube for Reggie Miller announcing clips.

*Speaking of foul-mouthed shit-talkers, it bothers me that Jets head coach Rex Ryan felt compelled to apologize for cursing on HBO's "Hard Knocks" series(P.S. I know it came after being badgered by his mother, but still. Rex Ryan's a grown ass man. If he has to cuss, he should be able to cuss. Saying "fuck" has never hurt anybody...although it never helped Tim Tebow). It's a documentary on an NFL training camp on PREMIUM CABLE, for shit's sake! Why should Ryan button up for the cameras? Isn't this WHY we wanted Ryan on Hard Knocks? So we can hear him cuss like a sailor? The new generation of access has allowed people to get more up close and personal with athletes and celebrities than ever before, be it Twitter or Facebook or Deadspin or whatever. The days of heralding athletes and coaches and celebrities as squeaky-clean, goodie-two-shoes is OVER. We want to know that our matinee idols are just like us. We want them to cuss. We want them to be drunk and belligerent. We want them to be human. Why else do we give a rat's ass about Mel Gibson's racist phone rants? We want to see these people without the PR spin and Hollywood gloss. We don't want the smoke and mirrors. It's 2010. People are smarter than that now. Nobody's going to buy Ryan stampeding through training camp going "Aw, shucks" and "Fiddlesticks!". If we wanted that, we'd mic up Peyton Manning.