You never want to condone violence on a public forum such as this, but sometimes, people come along that give you no choice. The initial idea for this blog, since I only choose to steal the credit from others 99% of the time, comes from my wife who posed this question on Twitter this morning: "If you could punch ANY five celebrities, who would it be? You could pick ONLY five." It was an almost impossible request. After all, reality television has ushered in a new era of douchebags that has overwhelmed society. On top of that, the dearth in good music combined with emergence of social networking has allowed annoying pop singers to be thrusted into our face(pause) at an almost constant basis. For a guy who doesn't like to be overwhelmed by anything short of money or a stripper's breasts, these things only draw my ire and increase provocation.
With my wife's poll fresh in my head, I pitched the idea of increasing the list to nine as one of our patented "Starting Lineups" features to Gabe (the original idea was going to be "Hot Sports' wives which, as enjoyable as it would have been in to do research on hot chicks, would have become tedious, in retrospect). Gabe couldn't say yes quick enough. So, here's our lists of people most deserving of a knuckle sandwich. Here's hoping we don't get sued.
DAVE:
9. Spencer Pratt: Really, this one is just too easy. He's a douchebag banging a silicone-infused Barbie doll while lamping it up in Beverly Hills and thinking he's Bradley Cooper(Oddly enough, Cooper was going to make this list, but I liked him in "A-Team", so he got a pass). Now, I hate reality TV characters who think they are A-Listers(looking at you, Kate Gosselin), and I really could have reserved this spot for any one of the number of overglorified morons who are constantly pasted on the cover of Us Weekley(except for the "Jersey Shore" cast. I like those guys. What? I'm allowed to be a homer). Pratt took the cake because he exudes a certain level of douchebaggery that is unbearable. It's one thing to be obnoxious, spoiled, rich kid with a sense of entitlement, it's another to try to walk around like you're king of the world and thumb your nose at everyone. So, for that, he deserves to be cold-cocked(pause) right in his piehole.
8. Ken Jeong: Buddy, you're 15 minutes was up 15 minutes ago. Jeong was a barely-known comedian who made occasional appearances on shows like "Mind of Mencia", "Two and a Half Men", and "The Office" before "Knocked Up" came out and he blew up like Arnold Swartzenegger's waist. Now, he's everywhere. He's been in 14 movies in the last two and a half years since "Knocked Up" and has made countless cameos on TV shows including a recurring role on "Community". He's like the Asian Idris Elba. 14 movies in just under three years isn't my big issue(I mean, it's a recession. If you can find work in this economy, who am I to turn my nose up at you?), it's that he plays the same role in every film. We get it, Ken. You have no problem making fun of yourself, your culture, Asian stereotypes, etc. You have a sharp wit.....if only you could use it on your wrists. As Ryan Reynolds has found out and Jeremy Piven will inevitably find out, actors who insist upon playing the same type of role, no matter the movie, tend to grate on the nerves of the American public and that leads to once-hot stars fading away like a bottle of Stoli in Lindsay Lohan's fridge. Remember how huge Vince Vaughn was after "Wedding Crashers" and "Dodgeball"? Now, where is he? Hopefully making room for Ken Jeong on the "forgotten" couch.
7. Lil Wayne: Time was, it would take a miracle to keep Weezy from being at the top of this list. However, prison has done to Wayne what radio stations, the internet and music television couldn't do: Kept Lil Wayne out of the public eye. My problem with Lil Wayne is that, well...for lack of a better term, he's garbage. Now, certainly, he isn't the WORST rapper I've ever heard(cough...cough...Soulja Boy...cough..cough), but there's something genuinely annoying by someone THIS wack calling himself the "Best Rapper Alive". For one, the self-proclaimed "Best Rapper Alive" got out-shined on a track with Eminem not once but twice, which makes that boast even more dubious. Second, what's with the Jekyl and Hyde act, Wayne? One minute, your sipping syrup out of a Styrofoam cup and flipping the bird to the world like some rebel, the next you're doing interviews on The View and talking about taking classes at the University of Phoenix or trying to talk sports with ESPN blowhard Skip Bayless? I know you're trying to promote yourself to different audiences but how am I supposed to take you seriously as some kind of bad ass when you're dressed like Dwayne Wayne and chopping it up with three old chicks who probably never heard a Lil Wayne record. Also, Wayne......for "Lollipop" alone, you should be kicked in the teeth. That song made me ignore the radio for a good six months. I thought we were done with wack rappers oversaturating the market after 50 Cent finished JaRule? Guess I was wrong. Please, America, Don't Free Weezy. My ears can't take it.
6. Skip Bayless: I needed to make a last-minute audible and swap out my initial choice(former President George W. Bush) for ESPN spit machine Skip Bayless. Why? Because while Bush is a moron of epic proportions and, far and away, the worst President this nation has ever seen, I really didn't want to announce intentions of attacking a former President on a public forum and have Secret Service kicking down my door. So, yes, George W. Bush sucks and, if I was a bit more interested in a political debate, I'd gladly fill this space on why he draws my ire but I'm going to pass just this once.
As for Bayless, he doesn't the same fortune. ESPN has always utilized the strategy of hiring a loudmouth dillweed to run his mouth in the hopes that shock value would draw ratings. They tried it with Rush Limbaugh before he became a PR nightmare for his comments on Donovan McNabb. They've done it twice with Jim Rome. They tried to do it with Stephen A. Smith before he screamed himself into oblivion, and now they are serving up Skip Bayless on the already-hard-to-watch "First and 10". Look, I like a friendly debate. I enjoy a good argument. It's one of the main reasons I enjoy "PTI". However, there's something to be said about some yutz who takes a side he more than likely doesn't really believe simply because its in his fiscal interest to play the Devil's Advocate and be the villain. Bayless has lucked out by being opposed to guys that have become tough to defend: Barry Bonds, T.O., LeBron James, etc. The problem is, some of the shit he says is just plain asinine. Kevin Durant's more clutch than LeBron James? The Jets can win without Darrelle Revis? Come on, man! At this point, I can't tell if Bayless is putting on a facade for the simple point of being argumentative or if he truly believes the bullshit he sells. Either way, he deserves a karate chop to the neck.
5. Michael Jordan: Probably would be higher if the Top Four wasn't so impenetrable. I know everyone loves MJ, His Airness, Air Jordan, The Goat, whatever you want to call him. I know he saved the NBA after drug use doomed it in the 80's. I know he made endorsement companies a ton of money. I also know that he's a Grade A douchebag. Take a long listen to his Hall of Fame speech and tell me how you can like a guy that self-absorbed and arrogant. Look, Michael Jordan may be the greatest player to ever live(at least for the next couple years, before Kobe passes him). I get that. I don't fault Jordan for being a compulsive gambler. Charles Barkley's a gambler. Hell, I just dropped $150 on fantasy football. I'm a gambler! I don't fault him for being an adulterer. All celebrities cheat. Tiger Woods did. Brad Pitt did. Bill Clinton did. I don't hate him for being overly competitive, even if his prickly demeanor and thirst to win probably ruined Kwame Brown's self-esteem. I'm more bothered by the fact that he seems to get a pass for his bad deeds. Tiger spent the past 9 months getting lambasted for his infidelity. Where was that heat on MJ? We knocked LeBron for being selfish and self-absorbed in his decision to make "The Decision". Was Jordan's HOF speech not the same kind of look-at-me approach? Sure, the perception of Jordan isn't exactly Jordan's fault, since its the job of writers to paint their portrayals how they like. Still, I can't sit back and watch Jordan get a pass from America because, for 20 years, he was the most captivating athlete in the world. To me, he's a dick, and only a change in the way he carries himself will tell me otherwise.
4. Drake: Maybe this is a little high for Drake. After all, he has all the earmarks of being a flash in the pan. He's overhyped. He sings AND he raps.....which, I reiterate, I thought was over when we waved bye-bye to JaRule. He's went platinum once and gold twice, but is somehow rap's biggest superstar(eventhough a. Eminem's last album, Recovery, sold more than Drake's entire career and Em completely outrhymed Drake on "Forever"). He got his break on "Degrassi High" and now I'm supposed to take him seriously as an MC. He's allegedly married to Nikki Minaj, a bootleg Lil Kim who just further enhances my dislike of female rappers. Plus, he's from the least gangsta place in North America: Canada. Trust me on this. It's a proven fact that Canadians aren't cool.....except MAYBE for Bret Hart. After listening to hip-hop for nearly two decades, I've become accustomed to liking certain types of things in the genre(a good beat, educated lyrics, realism, wordplay, flow) and dislike other things(rappers who sing, artists who play it safe, wack rhymes, guys who try to be too pretty but try to be tough at the same time aka "The LL Cool J" Syndrome). Drake is everything I don't like about the direction hip-hop has gone over the last few years. He's the embodiment of corporate interest in a genre that was never supposed to be corporate or mainstream. With enough time, I could give 25 rappers who never went platinum that would hand Drake his ass in a battle but can't get airplay because they don't make "ringtone rap songs"(Jay Electronica, Styles P, to name a couple). Maybe where hip-hop is now isn't Drake's fault, but he's the poster child of what is wrong with my favorite brand of music and if he cares at all about being taken seriously as a rapper, he would try his ass off to change the perception he has in the minds of serious rap fans like myself. If not, then he should be dropped where he stands.
3. Tyler Perry: I understand that it's tough for a white guy to take offense to a black man making a shitload of money off of movies based solely on racial(mainly black) stereotypes but, somehow, I do. Do Tyler Perry's movies leave me outraged? No, of course not. That would assume that I watch those pieces of trash, but something has to be said(in a time where racial sensitivity is at its peak, it seems) about a guy turning a buck by exploiting his own culture. If the Madea movies were done by Eli Roth or Jerry Brockheimer, would Al Sharpton not be leading a parade down Brooklyn like Spike Lee in the "Fight The Power" video? Now, again, I don't watch Perry's movies, and I could just be jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on the little bit of the trailers I can stomach, but there's just something about Tyler Perry that rubs me the wrong way. Inevitably, Perry will run out of stereotypes to base characters around his generic plots and he'll end up fade into obscurity before long, but until then, I think he deserves a throat chop or two, if for no other reason than the dreadful "House of Payne/Meet The Browns" shit sandwich he conned TBS into green-lighting.
2. Justin Bieber: If I have to explain this one, you should probably stop reading this website.
1. Brett Favre: There's this old cliche a friend said to me once upon a time: "It's always the good ones that hurt you the most.". Such is the case of my now tattered relationship for one Brett Favre. Growing up a Packers fan, Favre was my hero. I wore his jersey every Sunday playing football in the street. In fact, I bought Favre's jersey four different times because I use to wear it so much the number 4 would fade. I even forgave Favre for his postseason blunders because, after all, the man brought us to two Super Bowls(winning one and nearly winning another), won 3 MVPs and rejuvenated Packers football as we now know it. I was grateful to be a fan of a team that had such a legend as a part of it.
Then, a couple years ago, Favre decided to thumb his nose at his legacy. He decided to whip "Lil Brett" out and piss on 16 years of my childhood. Favre's unretirement(the first one) and subsequent trade to the Jets was tough, but I eventually got over it. However, when Favre came back last year and signed with the Vikings for the sole purpose of sticking it to the Packers(and really, nobody can convince me otherwise), disgust became hatred and now the name Brett Favre causes an intense rage the likes of which not even Lou Forrigno could imagine. Watching Favre's magical run last year with Minnesota was sickening, especially since sports networks refused to admit that his sole purpose for being a Viking was for revenge. It wasn't until now, when Favre put on the same circus he has done the last two years(really, the last 7, but never more so than the hubbub after his first unretirement, because reporters were legitimately dooped by Favre and you can sense a little bitterness because of it), that Favre started to play the role of villain. Even Peter King, Favre's biggest fan boy, has admitted to having Favre Fatigue.
As for me, Favre blowing it in the NFC Championship(as I've seen him do so many times before) was a bit relaxing for me, and I will be rooting extra hard this season for Favre's career to end in the only way suitable for a man who backstabs his beloved fan base: on a stretcher. Is that extreme? Maybe, but this man took a long look at the cheeseheads who rooted him on and stuck his middle finger at us when he put on purple and gold. It was like watching Hulk Hogan join the NwO all over again. Whether this is Favre's last hurrah or not, I hope that opposing defenses make "The Riverboat Gambler" experience the type of pain that he administered to Packer fans when he screwed us over two years ago.
Gabe:
9. Tiki Barber - This sort of in the same vein as Dave putting Brett Favre as his no. 1. The difference is Tiki didn't leave the Giants and go play for a rival. He retired from the Giants and became an unparalleled asshole. I was the world's biggest Tiki Barber fan, at one time. First, right after he retired he said Eli Manning didn't have the leadership skills to be a good NFL QB. One Superbowl victory later Tiki looks pretty dumb. Then Tiki wrote his self-aggrandizing autobiography of which I foolishly read every page. The cherry on this asshole sundae is him leaving his pregnant wife to get a little 23 year old intern stank on his hang-low. What would I actually do if I ran into him at some UVA football event? Who knows. But for the purposes of this blog...I hope I don't see his bald headed big toothed grin in C'Ville anytime soon.
8. 3Oh!3 - These assholes caused the resurgence of the words "mook rock" in music reviews, something that I hoped had died with the break-up of Limp Bizkit. They did that stupid "My First Kiss" song with Ke$ha. You can almost hear them tonguing the mic. These guys are either total dumbasses or geniuses. I can't tell. Either way, POW! Right in the kissah!
7. M. Night Shyamalan - Shyamalan's career started off brilliantly. The Sixth Sense? One of the best films ever made. Unbreakable? Amazing and highly underrated. Signs? Awesome for all but the last fifteen minutes then...uh...uh...what do I do? Show them the alien? Not show them the alien? "Swing away Casey." And then he got lazy and made nothing but shit since. The Happening. You're running from the wind? Gimme a fucking break. The Last Airbender starring a white kid? Ugh. The only twist would surprise me now is if he makes a good movie.
6. Axl Rose - If you talk about making an album for fifteen years and then actually have the stones to release it, it better be the greatest album in rock history. It wasn't. You suck.
5. Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, Nick Saban, etc. - Really any coach who either leaves after less than a year in one place, or leaves right before the NCAA drops the hammer is on his program. It must nice to be able to leave, break a commitment, and start cashing big checks while leaving all of your players in a lurch.
4. Whichever Asshole in Young Money Wrote the Line "Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock." - This one is pretty self-explanatory.
3. Pat Riley - I never really had anything against Riles pushed Stan Van Gundy out of the head coaching job in Miami only take over as coach and win and NBA title. Would Van Gundy have won that title? I don't know. I do know that he is a damn good coach and Riley got out of coaching when it got tough and then jumped right back in when he saw the team was great. Total dick move. I hope the Magic wipe the floor with Bosh, Wade, and Lebron. Speaking of Lebron....
2. Lebron James - So you want to leave your hometown and play ball with your boys? Fine. You want to play second fiddle to a guy who's won a title? Cool. It's not his fault Danny Ferry couldn't surround him with talent in Cleveland. My problem with James was "The Decision." Get over yourself. Unless your name starts is preceded by "Prime Minister" or followed by "President of" you are not worthy of taking up valuable TV time to tell the world of your job change. That's awfully self-important for a guy who has never won a title and can't hit a mid-range jumper. From now on "taking my talents to South Beach" is going to be what I say to the room when I announce I have to go take a shit.
1. Chad Kroeger - Also known as the front-tool for Nickelback. He writes shitty hook filled songs on purpose to fill arenas with Bud Light swilling, backwards Tapout hat wearing knuckleheads. He sings with that copycat grit in his voice that no one has gotten right since Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder in the early 90's. The band named their last album "Darkhorse" because it was, in the tool's own words, a phrase "that just kept coming up." I guess he doesn't realize what darkhorse means. And he released a song this year about wanting to be a rock star. He is a fucking rock star! And finally, he's Canadian.
Gabe:
9. Tiki Barber - This sort of in the same vein as Dave putting Brett Favre as his no. 1. The difference is Tiki didn't leave the Giants and go play for a rival. He retired from the Giants and became an unparalleled asshole. I was the world's biggest Tiki Barber fan, at one time. First, right after he retired he said Eli Manning didn't have the leadership skills to be a good NFL QB. One Superbowl victory later Tiki looks pretty dumb. Then Tiki wrote his self-aggrandizing autobiography of which I foolishly read every page. The cherry on this asshole sundae is him leaving his pregnant wife to get a little 23 year old intern stank on his hang-low. What would I actually do if I ran into him at some UVA football event? Who knows. But for the purposes of this blog...I hope I don't see his bald headed big toothed grin in C'Ville anytime soon.
8. 3Oh!3 - These assholes caused the resurgence of the words "mook rock" in music reviews, something that I hoped had died with the break-up of Limp Bizkit. They did that stupid "My First Kiss" song with Ke$ha. You can almost hear them tonguing the mic. These guys are either total dumbasses or geniuses. I can't tell. Either way, POW! Right in the kissah!
7. M. Night Shyamalan - Shyamalan's career started off brilliantly. The Sixth Sense? One of the best films ever made. Unbreakable? Amazing and highly underrated. Signs? Awesome for all but the last fifteen minutes then...uh...uh...what do I do? Show them the alien? Not show them the alien? "Swing away Casey." And then he got lazy and made nothing but shit since. The Happening. You're running from the wind? Gimme a fucking break. The Last Airbender starring a white kid? Ugh. The only twist would surprise me now is if he makes a good movie.
6. Axl Rose - If you talk about making an album for fifteen years and then actually have the stones to release it, it better be the greatest album in rock history. It wasn't. You suck.
5. Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, Nick Saban, etc. - Really any coach who either leaves after less than a year in one place, or leaves right before the NCAA drops the hammer is on his program. It must nice to be able to leave, break a commitment, and start cashing big checks while leaving all of your players in a lurch.
4. Whichever Asshole in Young Money Wrote the Line "Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock." - This one is pretty self-explanatory.
3. Pat Riley - I never really had anything against Riles pushed Stan Van Gundy out of the head coaching job in Miami only take over as coach and win and NBA title. Would Van Gundy have won that title? I don't know. I do know that he is a damn good coach and Riley got out of coaching when it got tough and then jumped right back in when he saw the team was great. Total dick move. I hope the Magic wipe the floor with Bosh, Wade, and Lebron. Speaking of Lebron....
2. Lebron James - So you want to leave your hometown and play ball with your boys? Fine. You want to play second fiddle to a guy who's won a title? Cool. It's not his fault Danny Ferry couldn't surround him with talent in Cleveland. My problem with James was "The Decision." Get over yourself. Unless your name starts is preceded by "Prime Minister" or followed by "President of" you are not worthy of taking up valuable TV time to tell the world of your job change. That's awfully self-important for a guy who has never won a title and can't hit a mid-range jumper. From now on "taking my talents to South Beach" is going to be what I say to the room when I announce I have to go take a shit.
1. Chad Kroeger - Also known as the front-tool for Nickelback. He writes shitty hook filled songs on purpose to fill arenas with Bud Light swilling, backwards Tapout hat wearing knuckleheads. He sings with that copycat grit in his voice that no one has gotten right since Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder in the early 90's. The band named their last album "Darkhorse" because it was, in the tool's own words, a phrase "that just kept coming up." I guess he doesn't realize what darkhorse means. And he released a song this year about wanting to be a rock star. He is a fucking rock star! And finally, he's Canadian.
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