The Typecast All-Stars

While this is mainly a sports website, Gabe and I fancy ourselves as movie buffs(well, more Gabe than me since it's his desire to watch every movie on the AFI Top 100 while I've yet to watch Casablanca). Still, both of us have watched enough movies to notice actors who tend to play the same role....no matter the film....no matter the genre....no matter the plot. The case can be made for hundreds of thespians but we decided to single out a chosen few. So we made an all-star team out of it because, after all, this IS a sports website.

Without further ado, here is your starting lineup for The Typecast All-Stars:

Catcher: Chris Farley - Given Farley's personality and lack of acting chops, it's hard to tell whether Farley was just a bad actor who played the same guy in every movie or he was just being himself in every movie. Farley even admitted that he tried to play the same character, just at different volumes. It's hard to argue with that statement when you watch Tommy Boy or Black Sheep or even his small part in Airheads For those too young to catch Farley before his death in 1997, be it on Saturday Night Live or on the big screen, think of him as a funnier and more coked-up Jack Black.



First Base: James Gandolfini - As someone who counts The Sopranos as his favorite show of all-time, it hurts putting Big Jim on here. That being said, Gandolfini will never shake being Tony Soprano. Now, that's no fault of his own because it's not like he's only auditioning for roles as a Jersey mob boss since The Sopranos ended. Still, much like Jason Alexander and Michael Richards after Seinfeld, it's hard for fans of The Sopranos to not see Tony when Gandolfini is on screen. Try watching The Last Castle or even Gandolfini's cameo on an episode of Portlandia and tell me I'm lying. Gandolfini is a hell of an actor, but sometimes when you reach an iconic status as a character, it's hard to make your mark again elsewhere. Just ask Jennifer Aniston.



Second Base: Mark Wahlberg - Wahlberg was so hellbent on losing his image as "Marky Mark" that it seems like he's spent most of his career taking every role as the token bad ass. What started with The Big Hit and The Corruptor was really driven home with flicks like Four Brothers and, most importantly, The Departed. Playing Sgt. Dignum in Scorcese's masterpiece showed that Wahlberg isn't just some next-gen Sly Stallone and earned Wahlberg some credibility as an actor. That didn't stop Wahlberg from signing up for every hard-ass role once The Departed had its day at The Oscars. The Fighter, The Other Guys and his latest one Contraband all cast Wahlberg as the "bust-you-in-the-teeth tough guy". It's a long way from selling Calvin Klein underwear or letting his dong swing as Dirk Diggler in "Boogie Nights".



Shortstop: Jeremy Piven - With the exception of the next person on our list, Piven might have been the easiest lock on the team. The disclaimer here should probably read "Post-Entourage" since Piven seems content on reinventing himself by playing Ari Gold in every single film he does now. Gone is the guy from PCU and, in his place, is Piven playing any role that involves him being a slick-talking wise ass, a la his role in HBO's hit Entourage. I guess that's understandable. After all, Piven can't be more than a hair above 5'6. You can't exactly cast him as a Clint Eastwood/Liam Neeson roles. How about some more dramatic roles though, Pivs? You can't be Ari Gold forever. A lesson you should have learned from watching Smokin' Aces.



Third Base: Ryan Reynolds - Now, in Reynolds' defense, he's a shitty actor, so it should be expected that he's seemingly unwilling to take roles outside of his wheelhouse. In fairness again, Reynolds' attempts at being un-Van Wilder have flopped miserably(then again, so have a lot of Reynolds' films). Have you seen Green Lantern? How about Change-Up or Buried? No? Me neither. Reynolds is at his best(which still isn't very good) when he can be the token pretty boy wise ass and combine the occasional punch line with the occasional reason to take off his shirt and get the teeny boppers who paid their 10 bucks to swoon. Disagree? Try watching Van Wilder then taking a view at Waiting... and Just Friends. He couldn't even help trying to be a funnyman in Blade: Trinity and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which weren't even comedies. If there's a saving grace for Reynolds, it might come this month when Denzel carries Reynolds' ass for two hours in Safe House.



Left Field: Morris Chestnut - Terry McMillan writes books and Tyler Perry pens scripts knowing that, eventually, their movies will have Morris Chestnut in them. IMDB described Chestnut as "versatile", which made me laugh so hard, I nearly fell out of my chair. Watch The Inkwell, The Best Man, Two Can Play That Game, Breakin' All The Rules and The Brothers and tell me where you see versatility. Sure, those movies are a change of pace from Chestnut's tilt as Ricky in Boyz N The Hood(perhaps the only movie with Chestnut in it that I enjoyed). If you surf through Blockbuster for any movie with an all-black ensemble cast, chances are you'll find Chestnut in there somewhere. We get it, bro, chicks think you're sexy and I imagine it's hard to be taken seriously as a bad ass when your name is Morris Chestnut, but mix it up a little, my dude. Even Idris Elba got tired of doing the Madea movies. Take a page out of the Jamie Foxx playbook, Mo, and try doing something different than being the black Ryan Reynolds. Who knows? Maybe you'll get your big break if they ever ask you to play the lead role in a movie about DMX.



Center Field: Keanu Reeves - I will forever hold it against Keanu Reeves for ruining one of the best action movie trilogies with his horrendous acting. How does one manage to stumble upon a bad ass role like Neo in The Matrix and think to themselves "What if I manage to do this role exactly like I did Speed?" Reeves approaches every role with the same dumb surfer boy swagger that was annoying in Point Break and has since been perfected by Matthew McConaughey. You know how frustrating it is to watch three hours of state-of-the art CGI and gunfights with the main character recreating his role as Jack Traven? Reeves made attempts to be taken seriously with flicks like Sweet November and The Lake House but couldn't refrain from unleashing that same stoner "Whoa!" that made him famous in the Bill & Ted movies. Not long after "The Lake House" bombed, Reeves was back doing the only two things he knows how to do: playing a cop(Street Kings) or getting nerds excited with another sci-fi thriller(The Day The Earth Stood Still). It almost makes you wish Dennis Hopper blew his ass up on that bus.



Right Field: Vince Vaughn - When I sent out a mass text asking friends for suggestions before writing this piece, every single person hit me back with the same name: Vince Vaughn. Now, I like Vince Vaughn. Wedding Crashers is one of my favorite movies, as is Dodgeball. That being said, on a team of guys who play the same role in every film, Vaughn is the face of the franchise. Swingers, Be Cool, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Break-Up, Couples Retreat, Fred Claus......he might as well just use the same name in every movie. You would think a handsome guy who stands around 6'6 could do something besides be a Dean Martin clone, but that's apparently not the case. Look, Vaughn's performances in even his best films hardly frustrate you into thinking he could do more. Let's face it, he's not the second coming of Clint Eastwood, but why can't he steal some of the dramatic sports movie roles that keep going to guys like Kevin Costner and Dennis Quaid?



Starting Pitcher: Freddie Prinze Jr. - He's the white man's answer to Morris Chestnut. Freddie Prinze Jr's sole purpose in Hollywood is to play the pretty boy male love interest in every teeny bopper movie. He's like the dude version of Jessica Biel. She's All That, the Scooby Doo movies, the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies, Summer Catch.......Prinze spent the prime of his acting career trying to get inducted into the Tiger Beat Hall of Fame. Hell, even Jennifer Love Hewitt managed to go outside of the box with Ghost Whisperer and her acting makes Paris Hilton look like Meryl Streep. Prinze's acting chops aren't much better. He makes guys like Ryan Reynolds and Keanu Reeves look like Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau. On the bright side for FPJ, he wouldn't have even made the cut if not for fellow token pretty boy Paul Walker's atrocious turn in Running Scared. At least that was a far cry from being Lance Harbor in Varsity Blues, albeit an unwatchable far cry.



Closing Pitcher: Michael Cera - I'm not sure what roles Cera could really play besides those played by meek little boys. After all, it's not like Cera is a shoe-in to be Gambit in the next X-Men flick. Still, Cera hasn't exactly evolved from his days as George-Michael on Arrested Development. Superbad? Juno? He's pretty much the same kid in both. If Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was supposed to be a change of pace and make Cera look like more of a bad ass, then it failed miserably. I guess you can't really take a kid who looks like an extra from Freaks and Geeks seriously, but can't you at least hope that plays a role that doesn't have him as the lovestruck pansy? Cera's still young, so I guess there's hope, but something tell me this kid is destined for the starring role in a Justin Bieber biopic.

Manager: Will Ferrell - A mortal lock. Talladega Nights, Elf, The Other Guys, Anchorman, Step Brothers......every Will Ferrell movie might as well have been an skit from Ferrell's SNL days. Other than being the funniest of the recent crop of SNL alums, what really sets Ferrell apart from Chris Kattan or David Spade? Ferrell should have been the Dan Akroyd of his Saturday Night Live graduating class: an immensely funny guy who had the acting acumen to do things besides be an immensely funny guy. In Ferrell's defense, at least his movies are entertaining. Try watching a Rob Schneider movie without cringing. Still, a guy with Ferrell's talent should be doing more. When Jim Carrey was making buckets of money from "Ace Ventura" and "The Mask", he got tired of being the same guy and set out to be taken seriously with more dramatic roles(Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Majestic, Man on the Moon). Why can't Ferrell follow the same career path?

General Manager: Adam Sandler - In a lot of ways, you could make this entire lineup out of Saturday Night Live's finest. I mean, it's not like Bill Hader is doing movies outside of his comfort zone. That being said, 17 years later, Adam Sandler is still emulating Billy Madison. Every Sandler flick plays out almost exactly like his best work in Happy Gilmore and The Wedding Singer. Is Just Go With It really that much different from Big Daddy? Is Bedtime Stories a drastic change from Click? Sandler tried his hand at some serious roles with Reign Over Me and Spanglish and did surprisingly well.....which makes his desire to go right back to the same formula with yawners like Grown Ups and Jack and Jill that much more frustrating. Sandler's made enough money off recycling the Bobby Boucher formula that you would like to see him do something different.....or at least take a break and come back when his movies are actually funny again.

The All-Star team turned out to be a sausage fest, but I couldn't end this thing without taking some shots at the ladies. So I made a cheerleader section....



*Kate Hudson - Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Remember when Hudson was hot shit after Almost Famous? Now every movie is a retread of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Despite Maxim's determination to list Hudson as some kind of blonde bombshell, she never had the drop dead good looks to even snatch the "token hot girl" roles that seem to go to Jessica Biel and Anna Faris these days. With those roles out of the question, Hudson took another kick in the teeth once Scarlett Johannson stepped onto the scene. Now, Hudson's faded off the Earth. 2011 was a big year for women in movies but none of those women were named Kate Hudson. I guess that's what happens when you peak too early.



*Cameron Diaz - Speaking of peaking too early, Cameron Diaz has been playing the smoking hot ditzy blonde since she was Tina Carlyle in The Mask. There's a reason Diaz was a shoe-in for a role in the Charlie's Angels movies. She fits the Farrah Fawcett mold to a tee. Unlike Kate Hudson though, Diaz at least still gets some mainstream movie love and she made a slight bounce back with the popularity of the Shrek franchise. Still, Bad Teacher was so far out of left field from Diaz's entire career as a goof that it was hard to watch, even if she looked hot while doing it. Attractive women with not a lot of acting skill are a dime a dozen. Remember when Rose McGowen and Alicia Silverstone were headlining movies? Now they struggle for followers on Twitter. Plus, I'm about 90% sure any roles that would have went to Diaz now go to her illegitimate twin sister, Malin Ackerman.