The Six Sports Fan Commandments

"There are rules! You break the rules, and this whole goddamn thing of ours cracks and crumbles! You never break the rules!" - Anthony Quinn as Neil Dellacroce in "Gotti"

Sports fandom has always been broken down into three levels: casual fans(like the rich New Yorkers who take in Yankee games but wouldn't know Joe Girardi from Joe Piscapo), the somewhat knowledgeable fan(pretty much your run-of-the-mill fan. Knows the basic rules and players but isn't exactly breaking down the intricacies of the Cover 2) and fanatics(like people who sign up for fantasy baseball leagues in February or watch Sunday Night Football just to rattle off all the colleges that the starters went to in the intro....in other words, people like myself). The rules of being a sports fan have thus far been unwritten. It's been like a secret code, like not bunting during a no-hitter in baseball. Since there's no rules set in stone, fans of any of the three levels have been given carte blanche to break the unwritten code however they may(Case and point, all of these emerging Saints fans coming out of the woodwork now that New Orleans is in the Super Bowl). That's why I have set forth my own set of rules, even going as far to call them commandments. I only came up with six, so it's a simple code to live by. Here we go:

1. One Team Per Sport: Nothing pisses me off more than the guy with multiple teams. "Oh, I'm a Redskins fan, but they suck soooooo......Go Saints!" or "I grew up a Royals fan, but I live in Florida now so I rep the Rays!". Stop it. Just knock it off. When you pledge your allegiance to a team, it's like a marriage. No matter how bad they are, you stick with them. You grew up a Cubs fan, you shall stay that way until either you die or a nuclear strike hits Wrigley Field. No exceptions. As for the transported fans, look, I'm a Braves fan, Gabe's a Mets fan. We both live in Virginia where the "local" teams are the O's and Nationals. You know when we go to Nationals games? WHEN THE BRAVES AND METS ARE PLAYING! (Actually, that's not true, I went to a couple Nats-D'Backs games but only because the seats were cheap, I was bored and I only rooted for guys on my fantasy team). Once you move from home, you don't have to assimilate with the local yokels and just because you were born and raised in a sports city that doesn't mean you have to align yourself with the home team(For instance, my wife was born and raised in Colorado....and is a diehard fan of the Kansas City Chiefs.) Once you commit to a team, it's like National Signing Day, you are now attached to that team.

2. The Two Hour Stomach Punch Loss Grace Period: Every group of guys has that obnoxious friend who sends you witty text messages after tough losses like "Let's Go (insert your losing team here)" or calls you directly after the end of regulation to laugh in your ear for 20 minutes. Don't be that douchebag. Sure, if my team plays your team and your team wins, you have equal opportunity to gloat(within reason and only if we're both sober. That way nobody gets decked), but if I'm a Vikings fan(perish the thought) and you're a Cowboys fan, and you text me after the Favre interception, than I automatically earn the right to chin-check you the next time I see you. No questions asked. That's why I'm installing the grace period. Sure, nobody's completely calm after a tough loss, but I think a two-hour cooling period should suffice. After all, the next day would be too late and the minute after conclusion would be too dangerous. Two hours after a bad loss, fans of the opposing team, AND ONLY THE OPPOSING TEAM, can text or call to rub it in your eyeballs. This way, the game is still fresh in your head but you have had time to calm down and you and your friend can dissect what the fuck just happened. As for the outsider fans wanting to throw some kicks in while you're down, I reiterate that you have every right to stomp that dude out. In fact, if a fight breaks out between two friends(one of which a fan of the losing team, the other just an asshole who enjoys seeing your pain), then charges should NOT be pressed and police should just sit back and watch the douche get walloped. It will be like watching a group of guys beating down Spencer Pratt. Consider it a public service.

3. If You're Going To Wear The Jersey, Know The Player: This is meant for the ladies. I addressed this in my "New Rules" piece about a year ago, and I feel like now would be a good time to set it in stone. Look ladies, I know you think you look cute with your pink Donovan McNabb while you shake your cans and scream out "E-A-G-L-E-S" after every Philly score, but the truth is, you're simply being an obnoxious snot. It's one thing to deal with the constant showboating of drunk frat boys yelling obscenities and being an utter tool at sports bars the entire game. It's another thing entirely when the fairer sex, who are supposed to have class and dignity, turn into mini-Jessica Simpsons. Like in Rule #2, talking shit shortly after the guy-sitting-next-to-you's team just lost can be dangerous and, with enough liquid courage, even the most sane man can turn into Chris Brown if you keep needling him. So if you're going to be "just one of the guys", know your shit. Now, like I said in my column last year, I'm not expecting you to break down the zone blitz. I'm not expecting you to analyze the draft, but if you grew up in Boston and are a Pats fan, you should at least know that Pete Carroll was your head coach at one point(especially if you're older than 22). There's a reason guys go out to bars to get away from their wives during football season.....it's because some of you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

4. Keep The Witty Signs And Toys At Home: When I was a kid, I went to a Yankees game against the Indians with a sign that said "Manny Ramirez for President". I brought it into the men's room in "The House That Ruth Built" and had an old man who had to be in his 60's threaten to kick my ass. I was 10. Look, some signs can be funny and I know TV cameras eat up cute kids with "Santa, All I Want Is A Lions Win For Christmas" signs at ball games, but if I'm paying 40 bucks for seats at a football game, I don't want my view obstructed by your kid's artwork. That's especially true for people bringing signs that are older than 12. Once you hit puberty, be a mature adult. The same thing goes for foam fingers, Thundersticks, and any other gimmicky toy you pay 30 bucks for at the concession stand. I came to watch the game, not for a fucking puppet show. If I wanted to pay good money to see cheesy props and bad jokes, I'd go see Carrot Top. Now, that doesn't mean you can't display team pride. Face paint is cool. The guys who walk into Lambeau when its 10 below with no shirt and letters on their chest certainly earn a pass for being ballsy. As long as it isn't getting in the way of my line of sight, it's allowed. Also, and I know this should be a commandment of its own, but leave your cell phone in your pocket during game time. No calls to your family to ask if they can see you on TV. No bickering with the wife about how you don't want to pick up milk on the way home for the game. This isn't a social worker's office, it's a ball park. This is especially important for those sitting in the up front seats. If you're going to be sitting right above the dugout, go play on your Blackberry in the bathroom. I'm already pissed that I can't afford to be that close, watching you text away only fuels my anger. You don't see Jack Nicholson tweeting during Lakers games, do you? I didn't think so.

5. No Walk Outs: Midway through my Packers getting drubbed by the Cardinals, I had a well-timed appointment that allowed me to make an exit from watching the game while Green Bay was down 21. It was the perfect chance for me to go hide from the horror. When I arrived to my destination, I managed to watch the Packers come back before inevitably having their hearts ripped out by an overtime fumble. My point is, if you watch a game on TV or even in the stands, you watch the whole thing through. No changing the channel because you're pissed. No leaving in the middle of the 6th inning to beat traffic. If you're paying for your seat or your DirecTV, get your money's worth. Sports fans are fans to the end(Read #1), there's no backing out. If you can't watch the game at home or at the stadium, follow it on your phone. Like I said, being a fan is a commitment and you must devote yourself to this commitment by any means necessary. So if you're just sitting down at Shea Stadium, and Oliver Perez just served up his 4th homer of the 1st inning, you stay your ass in that chair until the 9th inning gets closed out. Don't be a pansy. It's just a game. The only time it is acceptable to leave a game midway into regulation is if either a. you have to use the bathroom, b. your wife just went into labor or some other family emergency or c. somebody three rows up saw you texting on your Blackberry in your box seats and decided to come down and stab you with a broken beer bottle.

6. Only Fans Of Truly Dreadful Sports Towns Can Cry About Ineptitude: We heard Red Sox fans bitch about how their "Sawx" were cursed for 80 years. All while the Bruins were making appearances in the Stanley Cup and the Celtics were making history. Now, the Sox have won two rings, the Patriots established themselves as one of the best NFL teams this decade and the Celtics raised their first championship banner in nearly three decades. Still, Mass-holes can't stop whining about KG's deteriorating knee, the downward spiral of the Red Sox and whether or not the Brady/Belichick magic is gone. My advice? Can it! Now, my friend Sean is a fan of the Pittsburgh sports scene. That means he long ago pledged his undying love for the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates, and while the Pirates show no signs of ending their nearly two-decade long streak of losing seasons, Ol' Sean still has his Steelers(two Super Bowl wins in the last four years) and the Pens(back-to-back Stanley Cup appearances, including a win last year). So as much sympathy as I have for poor Sean's terrible Pirates, something tells Sean's doing just fine. Cities with the right to bitch: Minnesota, Cleveland, Buffalo, Seattle, Portland and Toronto. That's it. That's right, Chicago is not on the list. You guys had the greatest basketball player to ever live for two decades, so you are disqualified and as much as you'd like to tell me the differences between White Sox fans and Cubs fans, I'd love to see a Cubs fan try to explain their pain to an Indians fan who just had to witness two former Cy Young winning Indians pitchers start Game 1 of the World Series for other teams(and, imagine the pain of Cleveland-nites when LeBron goes to Jersey next year).

So those are the main sticking points of fandom. As time passes, there will be more additions to this list and I am all ears to any suggestions from BoomRoasted Nation. However, before we part, there's one more stipulation to apply.

The "Tanking" Corollary: Rooting for your team to lose might go against all of the principles I just wrote about, but in some cases, it's acceptable. For instance, if you're a Nets fan right now and potential #1 pick John Wall is within your grasp, it is more than ok for you to hope that the Nets lose the rest of their already horrid season to improve their chances at snagging a guy like Wall. That's the only exception. If your team is already knee-deep in a historically bad season AND a potential franchise changer awaits in next year's draft, it's ok to root for the tank. After all, your team already punted this season, why not root for better days ahead? We saw it happen a couple years back with the Oden/Durant draft. We're seeing teams now blowing up their teams for a shot at LeBron in the summer. We saw the teams do it for Reggie Bush a few years ago. If a potential once-in-a-lifetime guy is out there next year, and your team has a shot, root for the tank.