At center.......from North Carolina........ERIC MONTROSS! Montross was selected with the 9th overall pick in the 1994 NBA Draft by the Boston Celtics.(over solid stars like, say, Temple's Eddie Jones and Michigan's Jalen Rose) as a member of long lineage of useless, white Tarheel centers(a group headlined by former MCAS Serge Zwikker). Montross spent most of his pro career as an NBA poster child, not because he was a role model to the kids but because he was most commonly found on more well-publicized facials than Paris Hilton. Midway through his lackluster career with the Celtics, Mavs, Nets and Raptors, Montross made the bold decision to shave off his Roger Maris crew cut and go with the Jon Barry baldy which, had he stayed in Boston at the time, would have easily made him more recognizable as a member of House of Pain. After an 8-year career that saw him average 4 points and 4 boards a game, Montross faded into obscurity and can now be seldom seen doing broadcasts for the Tarheels.
At forward.....from Iowa State.....MARCUS FIZER! This was a toss-up between Fizer and former Kansas center Raef Lafrentz. However, Montross filled our tall, goofy white boy quota, so we opted for Fizer instead. Fizer lucked out, in a sense, by being part of one of the worst NBA draft classes in recent memory when he was taken with the 4th overall pick by the Chicago Bulls in the 2000 Draft. Other notables in that cavalcade of mediocrity? Stromile Swift, Chris Mihm, Darius Miles, DerMarr Johnson and Jerome Moiso. The 2000 NBA Draft was so bad, Fizer isn't the only member of that class to make this list(wait for it....wait for it...). Coming out of Iowa St., Fizer was a bit of a 'tweener at 6'8 270lbs. On top of that, he was blocked from his natural power forward position by the presence of former top overall pick Elton Brand. That meant Fizer had to try to earn his minutes at small forward, where his lack of quickness and shooting touch quickly made him a poor fit. On the bright side, you can't help but chuckle at Fizer's teammates on the 2000-01 Bulls. There was husky UCONN point guard Khalid El-Amin, raging nutjob Ron Artest and March Madness buzzer beater Bryce Drew. As for Fizer's career, it faded fast. After a three-year stint with Chicago, Fizer went to Milwaukee and the New Orleans, where his lack of size and speed routinely got him owned under the boards. By the time he was 27, Fizer was out of the NBA and is currently playing in Puerto Rico.
At forward....from UCLA.....ED O'BANNON!!! Ed O'Bannon's NBA career lasted about as long as "Homeboys From Outer Space" did on UPN. O'Bannon, seen here next to some of UCLA's finer cheerleaders, was highly touted coming out of college after winning a national title in 1995 and having his jersey retired by the Bruins. He was taken 9th overall by the Nets in '95 but lasted all of two seasons. TWO! O'Bannon's biggest accomplishments came as a throw-in in a trade with Dallas that sent O'Bannon, circus freak Shawn Bradley, and Robert Pack to Dallas for Jim Jackson, Chris Gatling, NBA sex symbol Sam Cassell and the aforementioned Eric Montross. 7 months after that trade, O'Bannon was dealt along with clinically dead point guard Derek Harper to Orlando for Dennis Scott. After going 30 and 17 in his final college game, "Ed-O" averaged 5 points and 2 boards in his 2 year career. Even Master P wasn't this big of an NBA disappointment. After his pro career ended at 24, O'Bannon went overseas where his career was officially flatlined by arthroscopic knee surgery. When he isn't selling cars at a California dealership, O'Bannon is making headlines by being at the forefront of a lawsuit against the NCAA for the organization's usage of images of former student athletes for commercial purposes. While a settlement has yet to be determined, it is believed the NCAA will pay back the entire $2.50 it generated from using O'Bannon's likeness.
At guard....from Villanova.....KERRY KITTLES!! After a solid career at Villanova, Kerry Kittles was taken 8th overall by the New Jersey Nets in what was perhaps the most star studded NBA Draft is quite some time, the 1996 NBA Draft. That draft featured Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Ray Allen, Steve Nash, Stephon Marbury, Peja Stojakovic, Jermaine O'Neal and Marcus Camby, to name a few. Because of the sheer talent of that draft, Kittles' somewhat admirable career got dwarfed. Kittles averaged double digits in scoring his first seven seasons in the league(all of which coming with the Nets, including two NBA Finals appearances) and averaged 15 a game for his career. However, Kittles' lanky frame couldn't handle the punishment of a prolonged NBA season and he only last 8 seasons in the pros(which, granted, looks like a Hall of Fame career compared to O'Bannon) and eventually had to retire after one season with the Clippers due to knee troubles. Currently, Kittles works as a scout with the Nets where he's been plenty busy given the fact the Nets are currently 8-63 with 11 to play.
At guard.....from Michigan State.....MATEEN CLEAVES! After a storied collegiate career that saw him win the 2000 NCAA championship as well as the Final Four Most Outstanding Player, Mateen Cleaves entered the 2000 NBA Draft as the most heralded Spartan since Magic Johnson. With his flashy passing and big, Madison Avenue smile, marketing execs were anxious for the slightest bit of success from Cleaves so they can turn him into "The Next Magic". It never happened. Cleaves' lack of shooting touch was his undoing and his trademark passing was never on display as he never averaged more than four assists a game in a season(2004 with the Cavs). In fact, Cleaves' most noteworthy post-college moment came just a few weeks ago, when Cleaves(now a record label owner and analyst for Fox Sports Detroit) was arrested for suspicion of drunken driving outside of his hometown of Flint, Michigan.
And you head coach for the NCAA Milk Carton All-Star Team....Temple legend John Chaney. Most coaches would sell their testicles to have the legendary career that John Chaney had during his 34-year career. Lifetime 741-312 record(becoming the first African-American head coach to 700 wins). 31 postseason berths, including 17 trips to the NCAA Tournament. 8 regular season conference championships, 6 conference tournament championships, 5-time Atlantic 10 Coach of the Year. The resume goes on. However, when you look like a combination of Ray Charles and Master Oogway from "Kung Fu Panda", it's easy to become fodder for the likes of someone like myself. While Chaney's legacy is impressive, he's never brought a team passed the Elite 8 and, for all of his accomplishments, he's best known to some people as the guy who stormed into a postgame press conference and threatened to kill current Kentucky coach(then-UMass coach) John Calipari. Cheney was as renowned for his temper as he was for his winning record, which is why he gets the nod over, say, Quin Snyder. When overseeing this band of NBA washouts, who better to run the X's and O's than a poor man's Bobby Knight who could pass for a senile version of one of the Cosby kids?
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So let's cut down the nets and fire up the band for this motley crew of college nobodies.....THE NCAA MILK CARTON ALL-STAR TEAM, ladies and gents!
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