

At forward.....from Iowa State.....MARCUS FIZER! This was a toss-up between Fizer and former Kansas center Raef Lafrentz. However, Montross filled our tall, goofy white boy quota, so we opted for Fizer instead. Fizer lucked out, in a sense, by being part of one of the worst NBA draft classes in recent memory when he was taken with the 4th overall pick by the Chicago Bulls in the 2000 Draft. Other notables in that cavalcade of mediocrity? Stromile Swift, Chris Mihm, Darius Miles, DerMarr Johnson and Jerome Moiso. The 2000 NBA Draft was so bad, Fizer isn't the only member of that class to make this list(wait for it....wait for it...). Coming out of Iowa St., Fizer was a bit of a 'tweener at 6'8 270lbs. On top of that, he was blocked from his natural power forward position by the presence of former top overall pick Elton Brand. That meant Fizer had to try to earn his minutes at small forward, where his lack of quickness and shooting touch quickly made him a poor fit. On the bright side, you can't help but chuckle at Fizer's teammates on the 2000-01 Bulls. There was husky UCONN point guard Khalid El-Amin, raging nutjob Ron Artest and March Madness buzzer beater Bryce Drew. As for Fizer's career, it faded fast. After a three-year stint with Chicago, Fizer went to Milwaukee and the New Orleans, where his lack of size and speed routinely got him owned under the boards. By the time he was 27, Fizer was out of the NBA and is currently playing in Puerto Rico.


At guard.....from Michigan State.....MATEEN CLEAVES! After a storied collegiate career that saw him win the 2000 NCAA championship as well as the Final Four Most Outstanding Player, Mateen Cleaves entered the 2000 NBA Draft as the most heralded Spartan since Magic Johnson. With his flashy passing and big, Madison Avenue smile, marketing execs were anxious for the slightest bit of success from Cleaves so they can turn him into "The Next Magic". It never happened. Cleaves' lack of shooting touch was his undoing and his trademark passing was never on display as he never averaged more than four assists a game in a season(2004 with the Cavs). In fact, Cleaves' most noteworthy post-college moment came just a few weeks ago, when Cleaves(now a record label owner and analyst for Fox Sports Detroit) was arrested for suspicion of drunken driving outside of his hometown of Flint, Michigan.
And you head coach for the NCAA Milk Carton All-Star Team....Temple legend John Chaney. Most coaches would sell their testicles to have the legendary career that John Chaney had during his 34-year career. Lifetime 741-312 record(becoming the first African-American head coach to 700 wins). 31 postseason berths, including 17 trips to the NCAA Tournament. 8 regular season conference championships, 6 conference tournament championships, 5-time Atlantic 10 Coach of the Year. The resume goes on. However, when you look like a combination of Ray Charles and Master Oogway from "Kung Fu Panda", it's easy to become fodder for the likes of someone like myself. While Chaney's legacy is impressive, he's never brought a team passed the Elite 8 and, for all of his accomplishments, he's best known to some people as the guy who stormed into a postgame press conference and threatened to kill current Kentucky coach(then-UMass coach) John Calipari. Cheney was as renowned for his temper as he was for his winning record, which is why he gets the nod over, say, Quin Snyder. When overseeing this band of NBA washouts, who better to run the X's and O's than a poor man's Bobby Knight who could pass for a senile version of one of the Cosby kids?
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So let's cut down the nets and fire up the band for this motley crew of college nobodies.....THE NCAA MILK CARTON ALL-STAR TEAM, ladies and gents!
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