Anyway, in the spirit of Christmas(or more importantly, gift-giving), I'm handing out some presents of my own to people who are not very near to me, but still very dear to me.
To Yankees fans: a bridge.....so you can get the hell over it. Please stop whining about swinging and missing on Cliff Lee. Two years ago, your boys were like a couple of fat kids on "Supermarket Sweep"(dated reference #1 of the night) with their aggressive greed in hauling in guys like Mark Teixeira, C.C. Sabathia, Nick Swisher and A.J. Burnett. So, you missed out on the biggest fish in the pond this year? So what!? You know who the Pirates lured to Pittsburgh this offseason? Me neither. 75% of the teams in the majors would trade their pitching rotation for the starting five of Sabathia, Burnett, Phil Hughes, Andy Pettitte(if he doesn't retire) and Sergio Mitre(OK, so maybe teams aren't salivating over Mitre, but you get the point). You won the World Series two years ago, for Christ's sake!
Try getting sympathy from Kansas City Royals fans, who haven't seen a World Series pennant in ages and are weeks away from watching their ace Zack Grienke get shipped out of town. Yes, those hated Red Sox got better, but at least the Rays got worse, right? You're still a mortal lock for the playoffs and we all know Cashman will feel pressured into either overpaying in a trade for Greinke or stealing some other stud off a small market team. So please, Bronx residents, put down the brown bags and stop with the panic attacks. You avoided handing a 32-year old pitcher who was sent down to the minors by the Indians not too long ago a huge contract that would have had him making a little over $20 million at age 39. Not every prized free agent turns out to be a franchise savior. Just ask Mets fans.
To my old buddy, Brett Favre: a rewind button. Forget about Favre ending his streak of starts last night. That was going to happen in four weeks anyway when he inevitably hung them up(or so he says he will). As I wrote about a month ago, Favre's voyage outside of Wisconsin these past three years was a bit....shall I say....ill-advised. Obviously, it's easy to say now that Favre should have avoided the unretirement in 2008 and avoided the Jenn Sterger fiasco and the drama he got into with Packers fans such as myself by suiting up for the Vikings these past two years. That's now why I'm offering Favre the mulligan. My proposal to Brett: You rewind these last three years to March of 2008 and rather than announce your retirement and allow Green Bay to move on to the Aaron Rodgers Era(which has been great, thank you, albeit uneventful), you tell the world that you will give it one last go. Favre had the Packers one ill-fated interception away from the Super Bowl. Sure, the same can be said about last year with his brainless heave that landed in Tracy Porter's arms in the NFC Championship against New Orleans, but think about if Favre's gets a chance to rethink his decision three years ago.
Naturally, he avoids all the turmoil and headlines he's endured the last few months in particular. That goes without saying. More importantly, it allows Favre to retire a Green Bay Packer with his image and reputation in tact. He doesn't get to be hated by women worldwide and spurned Packers fans. Regardless of how the season turns out, he goes out a Packer and avoids becoming one of the country's most vilified athletes. We all know these last three years weren't worth it for Favre. The question is, would he do it all again?
To Carmelo Anthony: A trade to the Knicks. This is nothing against the city of Denver, the state of Colorado, or Nuggets fans, but you are kidding yourselves if you think 'Melo would turn down a chance to be the center of attention in the Mecca of Basketball, Madison Square Garden, to shoot open jumpers in front of a semi-packed Pepsi Center. While Yankees fans don't deserve Cliff Lee, Knicks fans deserve Carmelo Anthony and, honestly, 'Melo deserves New York. 'Melo played ball at Syracuse. He grew up a couple hours down the highway in Baltimore. Everything about 'Melo's game, swagger, attitude, charisma is made to be put on display at The Garden. 
For Knicks fans, it's a nice consolation prize after the front office blew their shot at LeBron they hoaxed fans for two years into getting excited about. They get a bonafide star in 'Melo(Side note: This is taking nothing from Amare Stoudemire, who has been a great addition and is also built for the Big Apple, but he doesn't sell sports drinks like 'Melo's thousand-watt smile.) and also gives the Knicks a shot at their own Big Three when David Stern inevitably trades Chris Paul to the Knicks for some Spike Lee movies, a package of Sabrett hot dogs and a case of Italian ices. Granted, dealing 'Melo makes basketball in the Rockies irrelevant again, but why get strung along any further, Nuggets fans? 'Melo wants out. He wants New York. It's been real. Why become the next Cleveland? Get what you can from a clearly salivating Knicks franchise and hope to salvage something from the remains of the 'Melo Era and move on. It's for the best for everyone.
To Urban Meyer: The Denver Broncos head coaching job. I don't know if Josh McDaniels deserved to be fired and, frankly, I don't care. What's done is done. However, if McDaniels' goal this season was to kill all the excitement over Tim Tebow's rookie season, then mission accomplished. Seriously, was there a rookie you were more intrigued to see get on the field than Tebow this season? Instead, what did we get? A couple of garbage time goal-line scores and some hardly-watched preseason snaps? Look, I'm not saying Tim Tebow deserves to be a starter in the NFL, but I want to see what the kid can do instead of watch him get buried on the depth chart behind the clearly starter-worthy Kyle Orton the next few years. You know one guy who would be glad to oblige my request? Tebow's old flame and newly-minted retiree, Urban Meyer.
Urban, I'm not buying the "I want to spend more time with my family" retirement speech. College football coaches are snake oil salesmen. We've seen it with Nick Saban. We've seen it with Bobby Petrino. We've seen it with Lane Kiffin. You may be the only honest one of the bunch, but you'll have to forgive me for being a little skeptical. You know why I think you left Florida? Because you knew Tebow was your golden goose and that John Brantley is not the goods. It's OK to admit you miss Touchdown Timmy, Urban. It's understandable. He was to you what Jay-Z was to Damon Dash. He made you a household name. All of that stuff you did with Alex Smith and Utah a few years ago was great, but it's a distant memory. People associate you with Tebow. You're the Tubbs to his Crockett(Dated reference #2). You're the Gabe Rodriguez to his Dave Leonardis.
You may seriously miss your family and your speech may be 100% genuine but the timing is also 100% sketchy, my man. You quit your job shortly after the team that has your former prized pupil cans its coach? Weird coincidence, don't you think, Urban? Listen, spend the holidays with the family. Get reacquainted with your daughters and your wife and be Daddy Dearest for a few months, but when spring time rolls around and you feel that itch to pick up a clipboard and jot some notes, give a call to the Broncos and see if they'll have you. Hey, I've been to Colorado, it's not a bad place. Don't let the fact that 'Melo wants out scare you. Timmy needs you, Urban. He's a few short months from being replaced by Cam Newton as the new face of power running quarterbacks. You're his only hope. Kick the family man act and come to the pros. Thank you, and God Bless.
To the NHL: Some relevance. I tried, Mr. Bettman, I really did. I tried to get into your sport. I signed up for fantasy hockey. I had New Jersey Devils score alerts sent to my phone. I bought NHL 10 for my XBOX but, after a few short months, I'm out again. For starters, you're not on a major network. Versus? Come on! 60% of their programming is bull riding and old sports flicks...and my cable company doesn't even get them. You really expect me to shell out a few bills for Open Ice in a recession.....during football season? You have Sidney Crosby. You have Alex Ovechkin. You have this Stamkos kid whose keeping my fantasy team out of last place.
Go call up ESPN and ask them if they'll give up a couple hours of having Rachel Nichols camp out on Brett Favre's lawn, spit LeBron's dick out of their mouths, and air a hockey game or two. Your sport is actually exciting to watch....and given the fact ESPN has had guys like Joe Morgan and Jon Gruden commentating their broadcasts, you don't even need a decent announce team to be watchable. No major sport can expect to survive without television. Hell, even pro wrestling has television rights and that stopped being entertaining after Chris Benoit went off the deep end. So please, Gary, get yourself a TV deal. Bring the NHL here so people outside of Europe and Canada can actually give a shit about it(well, Pittsburgh loves hockey, but only because after football season, their other option is the Pirates.....Yeesh!).
To Tom Brady: a personality. Deep down, beneath that stupid hairdo and those GQ good looks, there is probably an inner Tom Brady that is acceptable to people that aren't Beantown residents, young women or metrosexuals, but us real men need to see it. I liked Brady when he first broke out because he had that "kid in a candy shop" kind of vibe to him. He had confidence but he still at times acted like he was surprised by everything that was happening to him(like the famous shot of Brady with his hands on his head in disbelief after knocking off the Rams in 2001 for his first Super Bowl win).
Now, he's gone corporate. He's become Bill Belichick's drone. Tell us a joke, Tommy! Give us a quote or something. We get it! You're a winner! You're not like us. You have a hot model wife. You have impeccable hair, but just once, kill the robot act. Shit, even Peyton Manning drops the "Aw, shucks" shtick every now and then and hosts Saturday Night Live or does a funny commercial or two. You really want to come off as less entertaining than Mr. Laser Rocket Arm? Come on, Tom, the Patriots are the best team in the league and you're on pace to win another MVP, give us something! Although, if I had my way, that award would go to.....
To Michael Vick: The 2010 NFL MVP. I know Brady's having the better year statistically and he's more valuable to the best team in football, but for the story alone, my vote goes to Mike Vick for the MVP. Donte Stallworth, Brett Favre, Tiger Woods, LeBron James, and Plaxico Burress combined didn't take the PR beatdown Vick took during his dogfighting scandal. Unlike Stallworth, Vick did REAL time in a REAL prison. He didn't get to do pull-ups for 30 days and then run free. Vick did nearly two years.....in Leavenworth. Vick had PETA calling for his head on a spit. He wasn't getting skewered on US Weekly like Tiger was. Vick got a real suspension, something the NFL is apparently scared to do to Favre. Vick had to deal with fans picketing everywhere he went once he tried to find work after being released from prison. He wasn't dealing with a few boo birds like King James has dealt with this year.
Look, what Vick did was wrong, but the man paid the freight for his wrong-doings and, while it's understandable for some animal lovers to forever have an axe to grind with him, there's no question he has been the game's most electrifying player through three months this season. Brady's been great. He's also been boring. There's no sizzle in handing another MVP to Tom Brady. You want to salvage a season marred by Favre's chicanery and a potential upcoming, give the league's most prestigious award to the season's best comeback story. Throw Mike Vick a bone........what? Too soon?
To Justin Bieber: a tall glass of bleach to drink. Look, between Twilight, Glee and this bubblegum pop fairy, I'm slowly hoping that the premonitions from the movie 2012 are correct. Every generation has had flash-in-the-pan "entertainers" who couldn't sing worth a lick but managed to become a phenomenon because they catch on with a certain demographic(read: dumb, young white kids), but Bieber takes the cake in terms of being completely impossible to stomach. As much as I hate Tom Brady's haircut, I hate it even more on this pipsqueak AND the fact he tried to start a beef with Brady with some half-assed "freestyle" taking potshots at Tom Terrific. If listening to this little shit try to spit a 16 didn't make 2Pac roll around his grave(yes, folks, 2Pac is dead. Don't believe the hype.), then nothing will. Bryant Gumbel has more street cred than Justin Bieber. Now, the inevitable plight of people like Britney Spears and Debbie Gibson and the Backstreet Boys have proven that, eventually, reality sets in and people start realizing that these guys don't have a lick of talent and they move on to the next fad. And I know Glee and Twilight will hopefully soon become like "Sex and the City" or "Friends" or any of the other "hit" shows that only appeal to women and homosexuals and fade away, but for Bieber.....it needs to end soon and it needs to end fast. For my sake. For the male population's sake....and most importantly, for 2Pac's sake(I also know you don't start a sentence with "And", but I did anyway. Sue me, grammar police!).
(Side note: I refuse to put a Justin Bieber photo on my website. If you really need a picture, Google "K.D. Lang" and think 20 years younger.
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