Week 8 Picks

In Week 7, Dave distanced himself even further in the season series. If you're taking my picks to your bookie, I'm terribly sorry. Pay no mind to the muscles in the Armani suit knocking on your door right now. Remember, these picks are for entertainment purposes only.

I'm going to say that this is just me setting up my epic late season comeback. In an effort to facilitate said comeback, this week I abandoned hunches and feelings and actually looked at some stats and trends and injuries when making my picks.

Last week, I took Oakland over Kansas City, an embarrassing choice amplified by the fact that I took them in one of my Eliminator challenges. That being said, I correctly picked New Orleans to beat Indianapolis, which they did by a nail biting 55 points. Captain Capicola can't say the same thing.

On to week 8!

Last week:

Dave: 8-5

Gabe: 4-9

Season:

Dave: 51-45-7

Gabe: 37-59-7

Indianapolis (+9) at Tennessee

Dave: Tennessee - The "Should The Colts Take Andrew Luck?" debate is actually quite interesting. Say Peyton Manning recovers remarkably from neck surgery and it adds another five years to his career. The Colts draft Luck, the best QB prospect in decades, and he sits the bench forever while the Colts just used the highest pick they've had in years to draft an heir apparent for a man who's not going anywhere. Could we be looking at another Favre-Rodgers scenario? Should we start buying out Peyton Manning Titans jerseys now? As for the game, Matt Hasselbeck being slightly less than 100% is the only thing keeping this from being a romp, but I still like Titans by 10. Also, President Obama is currently working on bringing in Navy Seal Six to locate the body of Chris Johnson, believed to be missing since January.

Gabe: Tennessee - The Colts are next to last in the league in opposing rushing yards. The Titans have a running back of whom you may have heard. I’m usually not right when I say this, but, I think CJ2K loses his mind. The Titans get in the end zone all day on the ground and shorten the game. Tennessee by at least 14.

New Orleans (-13.5) at St. Louis

Dave: New Orleans - Given how up and down the Saints have been, wouldn't this be the perfect let down game for New Orleans? After putting up Oklahoma-Mount Union numbers on the Colts last week, couldn't you see the Saints struggle a little with no Mark Ingram against a hungry Rams team? No? Me neither. It has to suck to be a Rams fan right now, because you're in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes and don't need Andrew Luck. Saints by 17.

Gabe: New Orleans - Here is a stat for you: the Rams have scored 56 points this season…the Saints scored 62 last week. The Rams will most likely be without starting QB Sam Bradford again. I don’t see them being able to keep up. I see New Orleans going up 3 or 4 TD’s before halftime and then coasting. Saints by at least 20.

Arizona (+12.5) at Baltimore

Dave: Arizona - Remember when I said in this very space last week that, as a Packers fan, the Ravens are the only team that scares me? I withdraw that statement. The Ravens right now look as scary as a Disney movie. I'm more terrified of a Sally Jessie Raphael sex tape. Seriously though, why the hell would I pick Baltimore after they shit the bed last week? Oh, because they are angry after looking abysmal against Jacksonville on national TV and they are going to take it out on the Cardinals? Please. Joe Flacco looked like Giovanni Carmazzi last week and I'm not putting my stamp on a Ravens rebound until I see it. The Ravens will win here but I think it's going to be another ugly game. Ravens by 10.

Gabe: Baltimore - I kind of feel bad for Arizona. The Ravens are angry after what happened Monday night. The Cards have to travel across the country for this game. The Ravens are clearly the more talented team. Can they rally and rise up for this game? I think so. Ravens win big.

Miami (+10) at NY Giants

Dave: New York - There is really no reason for Miami to put up a fight here. Chad Henne's out. Daniel Thomas is out. Vontae Davis is out. You can smell the Vidal Sassoon oozing from Andrew Luck's hair in South Beach right now. The # 1 pick is in your grasps, Miami. Don't blow it like Seattle did by putting up a fight against Gabe's timid Little Giants. Let Eli Manning roast you for 300 and four scores so New Yorkers can get their Karl Kani jeans in a bunch and fist pump until their arms fall off. Lick the stamp and mail this bitch in, Sparano. You're done for anyway. Giants by 14.

Gabe: New York - Man, I love Big Blue in this spot. Coming off of a bye, against a really shitty Miami team? How can you not like them to win big? There are a few concerns….the Giants give up lots of rushing yards, so Reggie Bush and co. could have a decent day. Most worrying is that the G-Men have a showdown in Foxboro next weekend. This could be a textbook trap game. That being said, I think my boys take care of business and win by 13.

Minnesota (+3.5) at Carolina

Dave: Carolina - Coming from a guy who watched his Scarlet Knights blow a 10-point lead to end a 16-game losing streak to West Virginia, I can tell you that past history is important. Gabe's quoted stats all day. Here's my shot: Dating back to 2001, the Vikings have beaten the Panthers twice in six tries(a 20-10 win in 2008 and a 16-13 eeking out in 2006). Christian Ponder might be a poor man's Aaron Rodgers, but Cam Newton is a rich man's Cam Newton. This secondary isn't going to stop Cam-Cam with time to throw after he spins Jared Allen around the field all day. I like the Panthers here by 6.

Gabe: Minnesota - Don’t let Cam Newton fool you, Carolina is a mess. Newton’s eye-popping yardage numbers are covering a lot of mistakes. The Vikings have a decent team around Christian Ponder. I feel now that they have a QB who can actually sling the ball, they will be a lot better. I’m not sure they can beat Carolina, but I think this game is going to be close…a field goal either way.

Detroit (-3) at Denver

Dave: Detroit - Let me first say I'm glad Tim Tebow is getting his shot. It's rare that you see a QB with such a profound college resume get any kind of hype from the national media. ESPN doesn't spend nearly enough time focusing on today's signal callers. If only the Worldwide Leader could spend just a little more time slurping Timmy Touchdown and less time on the World Series of Poker or Spelling Bees, I feel like people will finally get to know the REAL Tim Tebow. He's such a diamond in the rough. Sarcasm aside, Tebow is going to get the holy hell beat out of him(see what I did there?) by Ndomukong Suh and company. I'd like to root for Tim 3:16 because "Tebowing" is fun to do these days, but Denver's pass D is atrocious and they are playing a team whose only play is "Stafford chucks it deep to Calvin Johnson". Advantage: Motown. Lions by 14.

Gabe: Detroit - If he knows what’s good for him, Tim Tebow has been praying for some pass protection when he hits his stupid sideline pose because Mark Schlerth ain’t walking through that door. Tebow is big and strong, but Ndamukong Suh is bigger, stronger, and somewhat lacking in restraint. Oh, and let’s not forget that the Lions have a receiver that only Iron Man could cover. I think the Broncos are in for a long afternoon. Detroit wins easily.

New England (-2.5) at Pittsburgh

Dave: Pittsburgh - I'm going opposite here just for the sake of going opposite. Brady is 6-1 against the Steelers in his career, including the playoffs. He owns Big Ben like Gabe owns all of Black Thought's underground mixtapes. All of these experts picking Pittsburgh is only going to fuel Tom Brady to treat Roethlisberger like he treats groupies in a closed-off bathroom stall. So why am I taking Pittsburgh? Because this season is freaky enough that the experts(like myself) could be right about this one. The Patriots defense is terrible and, while the sudden jump from everyone back onto the Steeler bandwagon is foolish and ill-advised, I'm going with my gut on this one.

Gabe: New England - (Editorial note: Tom Brady is the starting QB for the West Virginia Stun Guns, my fantasy team.) It’s been said all week…Tom Brady carves the Steelers. New England knows how to pass on the Steelers. Spread the Steelers pass defense out and you can throw on them. I’m drinking the Kool-Aid. No one is better at spreading a defense out than Tom Brady. I bet he has one of those complete-a-pass-to-nine-different-receivers type of games that gets you a medal on Madden. Pats by a touchdown.

Jacksonville (+9.5) at Houston

Dave: Jacksonville - I'm not sure if Jacksonville is sneaky decent or Baltimore and Pittsburgh just took them lightly but they managed to beat the Ravens and keep things close against the Steelers. Why should I not believe they can't at least keep things within a touchdown against a choke-job champion like Houston missing their best receiver and best defender? Blaine Gabbert has excellent hair and, as someone with no hair, I can appreciate someone with sweet flowing locks. Jags shove Mo-Jo down Houston's throat and keep this one tighter than a 12-year old. Texans by 7.

Gabe: Houston - The Texans got on track last week against the Titans, even without All-World WR Andre Johnson. This week the toothless Jags come to town. I don’t think this game will be close. Houston needs to assert some dominance in this game, against a division foe, if they want to prove they are serious about winning the South. Houston by at least two touchdowns.

Cincinnati (-1) at Seattle

Dave: Cincinnati - I'd rather watch the entire series of "Homeboys In Outer Space" than a second of this game. Still, if forced to choose between ho-hum QB's, I'm going with the Ginger(because, no straight man should ever refer to another man as "The Red Rocket" as Andy Dalton has been called). Bengals are sneaky enough to pull this one out, so I'll say Orange Kitties by 7.

Gabe: Seattle - My irrational hatred of the Seahawks is well documented. That being said, Seattle has one of the loudest stadiums in all of the NFL. I don’t think the Bengals are up for the challenge. Seattle’s twelfth man is the difference. Seattle gets the outright win in a minor upset.

Washington (+4) at Buffalo (in Toronto)

Dave: Buffalo - The Redskins are out to prove they can suck in TWO countries. Later this year, they will campaign to play the Texans in Mexico City and the Giants in London so that their horrendous play can reach worldwide notoriety. Glad that John Beck move is working out for you, Shanny. Don't worry, Jason Campbell is available this summer. I'm sure Skins fans would love to have him back. Meanwhile, if you had Ryan Fitzpatrick in your "Obscure QB's who will get a lucrative extension" pool, it's time to collect. Bills by 10.

Gabe: Buffalo - This game is being played in America’s attic, but I would imagine it’s going to feel like a home game for the Bills. I don’t know though. What NFL team do Argonauts fans root for? Who cares. John Beck is going to have to show me something before I put any faith in the Skins. I think the Bills come away with a 7 point victory in the land of loonies, toonies, Alex Trebek, and caribou.

Cleveland (+9.5) at San Francisco

Dave: Niners - MADDEN CURSE NEVER FAILS! Niners by 13.

Gabe: San Fran - The Niners have had a bye week in between their Head Coach’s hand shaking incident. How will that affect them on the field? If nothing else that locker room is his now. As the cliché goes, those players will run through walls for him now. QB Alex Smith is showing signs of life, while his counter-part, Colt McCoy…ain’t. I’ll take a motivated Niners squad to win by two TD’s or more.

Dallas (+3) at Philadelphia

Dave: Philadelphia - Come on, son! Tony Romo on national television? When does that EVER work out for the Cowboys? Bree Olsen doesn't screw as many men on camera as Romo does when he has to lead his boys in front of a national audience. The Eagles are desperate. A loss here, combined with an inevitable Giants win, puts them three back in the East going into November. If there's one saving grace for Dallas, it's that DeMarco Murray will be following up his 253 yard performance from last week against an Eagles defense that can't stop a nose from running(Man, I am amazingly sharp when I get my eight hours of sleep). Eagles win in a back-and-forth as both teams try to give this one away. Eagles by 6.

Gabe: Dallas - Conventional wisdom says if you get to Mike Vick and punish him physically, he’ll play poorly. The same can be said about Tony Romo. This game comes down to race to the opposing QB, and I think the Cowboys will win that battle. If Dallas can get to Vick and score some points they can take that intense Philly crowd out of the game. Upset special? Sure why not. Although anything can happen in the NFC East. I’ll take Dallas to get the straight up win, by 6.

San Diego (-3) at Kansas City

Dave: Kansas City - We all remember the last time the Chargers played the Chiefs on Monday Night in Kansas City, don't we? Chiefs winning a wild one in a monsoon in Week 1 of last year en route to winning the West title(as I projected and Gabe scoffed at, mind you). Remember also that the Chiefs 3-game win streak came after they nearly beat San Diego on their home turf a month ago. The Chargers are playing like their typical underwhelming selves and KC can smell first place with a win here. I'm calling for another upset here and, on top of that, Jackie Battle goes for a buck and a score and Brandon Flowers takes one to the house. LOCK IT UP!

Gabe: San Diego - The Chiefs have cobbled together a decent record, but their wins have come against some pretty bad teams. The problem with San Diego is they have all the talent in the world but don’t use it. You know never know if they are going to live up to their potential in any given game. That’s probably because they have the NFL equivalent of Charlie Brown for a head coach in Norv Turner. I don’t think KC has enough to be SD, so I’ll take the Chargers to barely cover and win by 4.