You're Not Like Me

The shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school that left 28 dead, including 20 children, is the kind of tragedy that makes you weep for this country. It is also the kind of incident that will ultimately divide America into two groups: those that feel genuine sorrow and those that will use this nightmare to push forth their own agendas, be it gun control or parenting or mental instability.

Sandy Hook Elementary School, scene of yesterday's horrible shooting.

The latter will make this an issue of why guns need to be taken off the streets or why Obama needs to make stricter gun laws. They'll mark this tragedy as Exhibit A as to why parents need to make sure they pacify troubled kids with a smorgasbord of pharmaceuticals.

In the end, they'll miss the larger issue: which is WHY this kid felt the need to do what he did. They'll overlook what pushed him to open fire on innocent children. They will ignore the crisis in this country that needs to be solved if America truly wants to put an end to this kind of violence.

Before we get into that, let me indulge you with a few personal stories.

1988: Early picture of me.

The first decade of my life was spent in Newark, New Jersey: a city infamous for its crime, violence and recklessness. I lived in a small house just a few blocks from the Pennington Court projects. From kindergarten to the 4th grade, I could count my friends on one hand. My best friend was a kid named Anthony, whose family moved him out of Newark by the time he was ready to start the 4th grade.

I was routinely picked on. I was bullied. I was teased. I dressed weird. Most of my clothes were generic brand sweat suits or whatever dorky outfit my single mother could afford. One time, in 3rd grade, I was ridiculed so bad that I sat at my desk in tears. The teacher did nothing. So, I walked out. When I came back, I was hell on wheels. I acted out. I cussed. I misbehaved. It became so bad that my teacher would put me in other classes during  assemblies out of fear that I'd make a public scene. My grandmother was called into the Principal's office on a routine basis.



During the tail end of the fourth grade, I became good friends with two kids who lived around the corner from me. One was a Peruvian kid named Dave, the other a black kid named Will. Of course, Will and I became friends only after he slugged me in the face and gave me a black eye. We'd hang out, play video games, cause trouble, run around in the park....all the things kids do.

Later that summer, my mother moved me and my sister out of Newark and into the suburb of South Orange. I would visit Will and Dave whenever I could, but even those visits were subject to the same kind of teasing I dealt with in class. Being in South Orange was the epitome of being a fish out of water. I was a white kid with a love for rap music and sports. I started wearing baggy clothes. I gelled my hair. I started dropping my "R's". Needless to say, I didn't fit in with the uppity, high class white kids that made up a majority of my classmates. It also didn't help that I was shy and not the best at making friends, especially in a new town so drastically different from my old one.

1994: Me and one of my first friends in South Orange, Woodley.

For pretty much my entire stint in middle school, I hung with a predominantly black crowd, most of them only used me to get free candy from my stepfather's store. It wasn't until 6th grade that I would make my first real white friend. His name was Rob. In today's times, he would be referred to as a "nerd". To me, he was an intellectual -- a bookworm who prided himself on storing an ungodly amount of useless knowledge such as knowing every capital to every country in the world. I was nowhere near the brain that he was, but we were outcasts who liked sports so we meshed together.

1995: Rob and I, South Orange
Middle School.

I spent nearly every day after school at his house, eating dinner with his family, playing video games and making fun of the kids who spent so much time making fun of us. He was David Spade and I was Chris Farley.....and those similarities made me depressed. Rob was a smart kid who did well in school. His family was wealthy and he had both of his parents. He lived in a nice house and could afford someone to clean it for him a few days a week. He had a computer and a Playstation and all these nice things.

Meanwhile, I was a clown who "talked black" and goofed around in class to the point that I was lucky to get B's. My family lived in an overpriced apartment that more closely resembled a tenement. We weren't poor, but being in the company of the Flaxmans made me feel like I was. His father took him to a Super Bowl. My father left when I was two. My stepfather was around, but he spent so much time working that we didn't become close until I started working with him after high school.

Suddenly, I felt like an outcast even among an outcast. I could never compete with Rob intellectually. Even athletically, we were about equal. When his friends would come over and hang out with us, I felt so insecure. I wasn't one of them and, because of that, they never missed an opportunity to take pot shots. I resented them for it. More importantly, I started to resent Rob. Once again, I acted out. I did stupid shit. When I got invited to their house in Pennsylvania, I threw "pops" against the wall, which left a black soot on the walls.

1997: Columbia High School group photo.

When high school came around, me and Rob went in our own directions. He was committed to academics. I was just focused on survival. For as long as I can remember and especially throughout high school, I dreaded coming to class. I got money stolen. I got a trash can dumped on me. I was laughed at mercilessly, teased constantly. I hated life. Throughout my entire scholastic career prior to college, I had two girlfriends: the first being a girl I met during summer camp when I was 7 or 8 who I can't even remember if I kissed and another who was a friend of my sister's who I would only date for a total of three days before she ended up giving handjobs to two of my best friends.

I wasn't the social butterfly I am now. When I would talk, I'd say something stupid...which led to even more insults from classmates. I would get into fights and, more often than not, I'd lose. I got pushed into tables. I got volleyballs beamed at my head, basketballs thrown at my back. I was rejected by girls in such a loud, dramatic fashion that I just stopped asking (or I'd have someone else ask for me, to no avail.). When it came time for the senior prom, I got saddled with a girl who was a friend of my best friend's girlfriend. Her name isn't even worth mentioning in this blog. She left after a couple of hours. We didn't dance. We didn't kiss. We didn't even hold hands. She was more of a guest than a date. Whatever.

1999: Columbine High School shooting

Midway into high school, the Columbine shootings happened. It was the kind of wake-up call the world needed, even if we didn't realize it at the time. It was an opportunity that this country could have used to reach out to kids like me who felt alone and backed into a corner. Instead, it was an opportunity for the media to blame rap music and video games and the occasional jab at poor parenting.

It was never about what pushed these kids to shoot up a school. It was about their influences. It wasn't "maybe we should take better care of kids getting picked on". It was "we shouldn't let kids listen to Marilyn Manson".

It wasn't until years later that this country took a serious look at bullying, only after ridiculed kids were killing themselves left and right and school shootings were becoming a bit more frequent. The whole anti-bullying campaign just seemed like too little, too late anyway.

Why am I telling you this now? Because we are once again given the opportunity to save the kids who need saving. The kids that shoot up these schools are, more often than not, not the cool kids who get invited to parties on Friday nights. They aren't the guys on the wrestling team. They aren't the pretty girls with the nice racks who developed too quick.

It's the awkward kid who gets picked last for basketball or the girl who constantly gets teased about her weight. It's the kids who get shoved into lockers. It's the kid who sits in the back of the class room staring out of a window because he feels the world isn't checking for him. It's the kids who don't fit into society's cookie-cutter image of what school kids are supposed to look like. Some kids don't get to be Zac Efron or Lea Michelle. Some kids go to school every day just hoping to not cry their way home.

School is supposed to be about education. It's supposed to be about preparing the nation's youth for life as adults. Instead, it's a crash course in social acceptance. It's a lesson plan for kids who learn the hard way that, if you don't look like Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber then, well, you suck, kid.

Believe me, this isn't sour grapes. I survived school and have managed to do O.K. for myself, but something happened at work today that triggered this reveal. A few co-workers were talking about the shootings in Connecticut. When I walked into the room, an old man joked that "it sounded like something Dave would do.". I wasn't offended. I was annoyed.

The fact of the matter is there may have been a time when shooting up a school sounded like something I would do. When the Columbine tragedy happened, I was surprised but also sympathetic. I knew what it was like to feel the kind of rage that would drive young kids to take their frustrations out on those that torment them. In the end, I channelled that rage into motivation to become the man I've become today.

However, some kids channel that rage into pulling the trigger on an assault rifle. THAT is the epidemic we need to prevent. You don't make the world safer by campaigning to take guns off the street. That day will never come. Medicating kids into a doped-up stupor won't help either.

The key is understanding the hate. It's understanding that kids can be cruel, that getting a bunch of celebrities to talk to them about bullying is only a small step. We still have a ways to go to make the most isolated kids in the world feel like they fit in. I never seriously considered shooting up a school or even let the frustrations of work tempt me into violence, but I understand where a kid might be pushed into extracting revenge.

We may never know why Adam Lanza did what he did, but something set him off. Maybe it was a childhood of feeling inadequate. Maybe it was boredom. Or maybe he was just a crazy fuck. Nobody knows, but I can't help but think that those that say how they can't understand how something like this could happen have probably never felt a basketball thrown at their back or a trash can around their head.

This piece won't reach the exposure it should. I opted to write it here as opposed to my normal spot on Bleacher Report because I want you to read every word, without any fancy editing. So, when you're hugging your children tonight or posting on Facebook about how you send prayers to the fallen, take time to remember the living. Take time to think about the kids out there who feel like the world has given up on them because it is THOSE kids who need your love, too. THOSE are the shoes you need to start walking in.

 

The irony of growing up a loner is that you don't realize you're not alone until it is too late. Every outcast wishes they can have a do-over and relive their childhood knowing what they know now. Today, I'm a survivor of a malicious and shallow school system that catered to the privileged. I still keep in contact with the Flaxmans, even if me and Rob have hardly spoke in years and I was terribly depressed over not being invited to his wedding. Dave, Will and I are still very close and I try not to think about my ex-girlfriend leaving me to go jerk them off.

2011: Me, Dave, Will and our friend, Jack. 20 years after we first met.

If you really want to put an end to incidents like these, put an end to bullying. Put an end to the torment. Listen to the voices of the kids who feel like the world doesn't give a damn about them. Get off your soapbox about gun control or happy pills and make sure your kid feels wanted.

Things worked out for me. I'm very lucky. Because you could have just as easily been reading about me in an entirely different light.

Sometimes, the happiest of endings come after the saddest of beginnings.

Raised In The Wrong Era

Look, LeBron haters, there goes the last bullet in your gun.

With LeBron James finally winning his first NBA championship, his well-known vocal detractors will spend this offseason looking for new material to hold against the self-appointed "King".

No more witty Facebook/Twitter memes with Kobe and MJ about LeBron not having a ring.

No more talk about LeBron shrinking in big moments.

No more nonsense about LeBron James being Dwyane Wade's sidekick.

The Miami Heat is LeBron James' team and the NBA is now the property of "The Akron Hammer".

Of course, that didn't stop the anti-LeBron crowd from rushing to make excuses.

"Oh, it was a shortened season. They should have a asterisk."

Try telling that to Tim Duncan when he won his first title in the strike-shortened 1998-99 season. Also, would you be so quick to discredit this year's Finals if the Heat had lost? I'll answer that for you: No, you wouldn't.

"Derrick Rose was hurt. LeBron got lucky!"

Injuries are a part of the game. The Bulls were a 1 seed with last year's MVP missing almost half the season. Would having D.Rose have gotten Chicago out of the first round? Absolutely. Would it have guaranteed the Bulls getting past Boston? No. Lest we forget, LeBron beat these same Bulls last year in the Eastern Conference Finals, and did so by stifling Rose for most of the series. What exactly made this incarnation of the Bulls different from last year? The signing of Richard Hamilton?

"Well, it took LeBron much longer to win a ring that it should have. Kobe and Jordan did it way sooner."

Kobe had Shaq from the minute he laced up a pair of shoes for the Lakers. Jordan didn't win his first until '91, at the age of 27(same as LeBron), and needed a Hall of Famer like Scottie Pippen and one of the greatest coaches in any sport in Phil Jackson to do so. Maybe it's because LeBron blew through the regular season so effortlessly that we are lead to believe that those Cavalier teams he carried were stacked. Truth be told, neither Kobe or MJ would have beaten teams like the "Big Three"-led Celtics with guys like Mo Williams and Antawn Jamison as the leaders of their supporting cast. Jordan's last title came on a Bulls team with Pippen, then one of the NBA's 50 greatest players, and Dennis Rodman, one of the game's best rebounders and interior presences, entrenched as sidekicks. Those six Bulls title teams featured some excellent role players with guys like Steve Kerr, John Paxson and Horace Grant. Why are we so quick to assume Jordan was the sole reason for that Bulls dynasty. As for Kobe, he had the game's best big man and one of the five greatest centers of all-time in Shaquille O'Neal. His supporting cast had clutch shooters like Glen Rice, Robert Horry and Derek Fisher. When Shaq left, he was replaced eventually with an All-Star forward in Pau Gasol and eventually joined by Ron Artest, the game's premier perimeter defender. This wasn't two legends winning titles with school kids.

It's the Jordan comparison that brings us to why we are here. Since he was a junior in high school, the bar for LeBron James' expectations were to be the "next Michael Jordan", which is funny because we were always lead to believe there would never be another Michael Jordan. All of the criticisms laid upon King James could have just as easily be laid upon His Airness.

LeBron's a me-first showboat. He's selfish(not true on either side, but probably more true for Jordan as LeBron is one of the best passing forwards to ever play the game). He's too commercial, too focused on globalizing his own brand.

While, this piece will inevitably come off as another me resurrecting my role as a "LeBron apologist", I will say that LeBron did spend a lot of his career hot-dogging and being a bit over-celebratory for his achievements. I'll also re-state that I hated everything about the idea of "The Decision", which is something I wrote on here shortly after it happened.

With all that said, this is my retort. LeBron James came into this league as a 18-year old phenom. He grew up before our very eyes. He didn't have the luxury of going to a great basketball institution like North Carolina and being mentored by a legend like Dean Smith. He rushed into the NBA because that's what the people in his ear kept telling him he had to do. It turns out that wasn't a mistake from a basketball standpoint but it hurt him from a maturity standpoint. Michael Jordan would have never done anything like "The Decision" because he was smart enough and mature enough to know better. He didn't have people in his corner telling him it was a good idea when it wasn't. LeBron made a mistake. He apologized for it. Some may never forgive him and that's fine, but the reaction over that debacle, two years later, is a bit overblown.

My other response is two open-ended questions, which I am asking honestly to get an answer from the anti-LeBron movement, but also am willing to offer my own take on.

My first question is, if LeBron James didn't get his need to pound his chest after every dunk and market himself as a brand from the great Michael Jordan, the man he grew up(like most kids) idolizing, who did he get it from? Did he get it from the father that was hardly there throughout his life? His mother? His friends, who didn't possess an eighth of his talent?

You see, we spent so much time during the 90's being in awe of the greatness of "Air Jordan" that we never contemplated the effects of the seeds that were being planted. We never thought about what kids growing up emulating their role model would be like when they become adults who follow the same path to the NBA. LeBron James is a product of the Michael Jordan experience. So was Kobe Bryant. So was Harold Minor, J.R. Rider, Tracy McGrady, Gerald Green, and a slew of other young athletes who grew up wearing Jordan's sneakers and working on their vertical while sticking their tongue out during every jam, They are like his illegitimate children. Some went on to lengthy careers. Some flamed out. But they are all trees that grew from the seed of America's Jordan obsession.

Now, Jordan wasn't a complete hot-dog. Sure, he stuck his tongue out a lot and shrugged his shoulders when he put up ridiculous shooting performances. He raised his fist in the air after clutch moments or jumped into the air swinging his fists like after he hit "The Shot" against Cleveland, but Jordan mixed a whole lot of flash with hard work and professionalism. That's why Kobe draws more of a comparison to MJ than LeBron does. Kobe has made a career of walking like Mike, talking like Mike, acting like Mike, cheating on wife like Mike and using Mike's career as the bar he tirelessly works to surpass. LeBron took the other stuff from Mike. He plays with his mouthpiece, yells to the heavens after thunderous dunks and seemingly does everything with the idea of the best possible marketing effect in mind, hence "The Decision".

However, from a potential standpoint, LeBron has a chance to surpass Kobe and even "His Airness" in terms of legacy and THAT is why LeBron haters(who are also Jordan lovers) come out of the woodwork to take shots at King James whenever they get a chance. They see him as a threat, a threat to a throne that seemed unreachable. LeBron James is a bigger, stronger, faster, equally(if not more so) athletic version of Jordan. The way the NBA sits right now, he has a chance to win at least the next three championships if he and his team continue to mature. He's been to three NBA Finals and he's just 27. He has three MVP's and, unlike Mike, he shows no interest in leaving the hardwood for the baseball diamond. Six rings seems like a stretch for King James but how LeBron dominates the league during his prime will determine how he stacks up against MJ. After all, Jordan's prime coincided with Larry Bird's back failing him and Magic Johnson getting infected with HIV. The level of competition was relatively low beyond the Malone-Stockton Jazz and some spirited efforts from Patrick Ewing's Knicks and Reggie Miller's Pacers, among others. As for LeBron, Kobe may be fading into the sunset as are Boston's "Big Three" as well as Time Duncan, but he still has guys like Derrick Rose, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, and Kevin Durant to compete with. If the path back to the Finals seems easy for LeBron going forward, the same can be said about Durant's ownership of the West. Who really stands in either two's way in the next couple years?

LeBron James is the mutated version of Jordan's seeds. Michael Jordan was the father of flash and marketing and he himself was a product of guys like David Thompson and Julius Erving, athletic showmen who didn't have the marketing vehicle that Jordan did to become worldwide phenomenons. MJ's two greatest sons were Kobe and LeBron. Kobe followed Dad's orders and became a spitting image of his legendary father(Jordan, not his actual father "Jelly Bean" Bryant). LeBron was more of the rebel, taking aspects of his father's infamy but realizing that he was too big, fast and strong to follow a career similar to his smaller younger brother and father. If Jordan is Biggie, Kobe is Jay-Z and LeBron is Kanye. Jay-Z clearly is a Biggie clone, but became his own entity by benefiting from the technological advances at his exposure(and also by not getting killed in Las Vegas).  Kanye followed Jay-Z, but eventually realized that he was different and set out to make his own mark in his own way by being rebellious. People used to hate Jay-Z for being a Biggie wannabe but Jigga earned their respect and flourished as a master of his craft and a businessman. Jay-Z's "retirement" is like Kobe's sexual assault charge, a dark spot in a brilliant career that he had to bounce back from. LeBron's first NBA Finals was like Kanye's "College Dropout", a masterful performance that showed a young star coming of age but showed that he wasn't quite there yet. His first MVP was "Late Registration", a sign of great things to come. His Finals loss to Dallas last year was Kanye's outburst at the MTV Awards, a shocking disappointment that brought the vitriol of his detractors out in full force. Obviously, Kobe and LeBron will never come together to "Watch The Throne" but it would be just as astounding of a collaboration if they do. The bottom line is, if you're going to knock LeBron for his faults, you should also criticize who he got it from. Like any unruly child, eventually you have to blame the parents.

My second question doesn't really have an answer so much as it a starting point for a hypothetical debate. The day after the Finals ended, I posed this question on Facebook: If we had Facebook and Twitter and the round-the-clock media access and technological advances we have now back in the 90's, would we have rooted as hard against Michael Jordan getting his first ring as we did against LeBron James?

This question kind of speaks to the last one, in that we never knew what glorifying the greatness of a guy like Jordan would mean for the future. We never realized how lucky Jordan was and, really, neither did Jordan(although he's finding that out now as failed office exec). Jordan didn't have the prominence of YouTube re-capping all his hits and misses on an endless loop. He didn't have bloggers throwing daggers at him on a nightly basis. Hell, he didn't even have writers throwing darts at him because they were all so enamored with him. SportsCenter wasn't the entity in the 90's that it is today. He didn't have guys like Skip Bayless endlessly bashing him on a national television show like Bayless does to LeBron every chance he gets. He didn't have every play he made analyzed on Twitter. He never had to worry about "trending". He didn't have to worry about Facebook groups being made about him. There were no funny memes taunting his failed achievements. There was nothing more than some beat writers singing his praises in articles and occasionally on "The Sports Reporters". LeBron doesn't have a guy like Ahmad Rashad being the Fonsworth Bentley to his Diddy like Rashad was for Jordan. LeBron's "yes men" are in his entourage. Jordan's "yes men" were in the media and the league offices. If Michael Jordan thought the pressure of being a global superstar was too much and he had to take a sabbatical and go play baseball in the mid-90's, imagine how tough it would have been for him with 24/7 news coverage and networks needing to fill air time by posing endless rhetorical questions or displaying meaningless stat comparisons. Imagine if Jordan turned on the TV every day to see him being compared side-by-side to Magic or Bird or watch writers blast him on "Around The Horn" or "PTI" and question whether he's clutch or if he can "win the big one". Jordan had it relatively easy. By time we had the vehicle to criticize him, he was long gone from the NBA and wearing a suit and tie as an owner. That's why writers go so hard on Jordan now as he's ruining the Charlotte Bobcats and after he ruined the Wizards. They're making up for lost time and missed opportunities. All that time they spent kissing Jordan's ass, they could have spent kicking it. That's also why they ridicule LeBron so much. Somebody has to suffer for the sins of the father.

It's a hypothetical question with no real answer. We can't put LeBron in a time machine and zip him back to the 90's so he can dominate during easier times, both from a competitive standpoint and a media standpoint. We also can't make Jordan relive his prime in today's world. But the purpose of the question is to offer perspective. It's hard to be a great athlete in today's society because fans have an almost insatiable need to be loved and their expectations are far too lofty. Try telling Charles Barkley it took LeBron too long to win a ring. Try telling Karl Malone that LBJ disappears in big moments. Try telling Patrick Ewing that LeBron's career has been disappointing.

LeBron James is a champion now. He's leaped over the hurdle that all the Negative Nellies in the country have feverishly tried to raise higher and higher. I'm not demanding you love LeBron because, Lord knows, I don't love Michael Jordan but I do believe you have to respect him. Don't hold LeBron accountable for being like every other kid in America who wanted to "be like Mike". Don't hate him because he gets too much media coverage because he's not the only athlete to dominate SportsCenter. Look at Brett Favre or Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. He's a product of a legacy we built. We helped create LeBron James.

Instead of finding reasons to pick him apart, why not just sit back and enjoy? Trust me. He's just getting started and he's gonna be here awhile.

The BoomRoasted Hot 100* (20-1)

I decided to combine the final 20 into one piece for two reasons. First, this is the 500th blog posted on BoomRoastedSports, so it's only fitting that it be special. Second, it's taken entirely too long to get this Hot 100 finished and, for that, I apologize.

Here are the links to help you play catch-up:

100-91
90-81
80-71
70-61
60-51
50-41
40-31
30-21

Now, for the grand finale. The 20 hottest women on the planet, according to BoomRoastedSports

20. Estella Warren ("Planet of the Apes", "Blue Seduction") How does a woman who hasn't made a major contribution to the film industry since "Kangaroo Jack" make it this high on the list? Well, it helps if she's physically close to flawless. Estella Warren hasn't completely gone out to pasture, as she has stayed busy with films like "Blue Seduction" and "Beauty and the Beast", but she hasn't been as visible as when she followed up being named Maxim's Hottest Woman on the Planet in 2000 with the movie "Driven" in 2001. Yeah, she has a bit of a moon face but she makes up for it by having, arguably, the most perfect body in Hollywood. Sure, you can make the case for more relevant woman that are behind Warren on this list but Warren's beauty beats them out. She has some movies in the works so she'll still be around somewhere. As will her spot on this list.



19. Jennifer Lawrence ("The Hunger Games", "Winter's Bone") At the risk of sounding disrespectful, there's something about Jennifer Lawrence's face that keeps her from being higher on this list. She's cute and her smile is pretty, but at times, her cheeks look swollen and she looks like after Dorian transforms in "The Mask". That slight defect is cancelled out by just how smoking hot Lawrence was as Katniss in "The Hunger Games". That action-packed two hours of my life is what cemented her place on this list. No, I didn't watch "Winter's Bone", the movie she was nominated for an Oscar for(though Gabe said she's pretty hot in that, too). I definitely didn't watch her on "The Bill Engvall Show". "Hunger Games" and its inevitable sequels is all I need. The popularity from those movies and the critical acclaim from "Winter's Bone" will keep the 22-year old Lawrence in our sights for years to come. Hopefully, going forward, I'll care less about her doughy face and more about her sexy eyes, her excellent body and the fact that she can impale a bird with a bow and arrow from 100 feet away.



18. Malin Akerman ("Watchmen", "Rock of Ages") It's almost impossible for a living being to say they've never seen a movie or TV show without Malin Akerman in it. She's everywhere. Her role as Silk Spectre has her forever entrenched in the Gabe Rodriguez wheelhouse. For me, Malin Akerman makes the list because she's almost a combination of different women's best features. She has Cameron Diaz's wide, pretty smile. She has Stacy Keibler's long legs(OK, not quite Stacy Kiebler's long legs but you get the point) and her body is like a combination of Katrina Bowden and Mila Kunis. You may know her from "27 Dresses" or "Couples Retreat" or her brief stint on "Entourage"(arguably, her hottest role, as Sloan's best friend Tori), You definitely don't know her from "The Heartbreak Kid", one of the many Ben Stiller movies nobody watched. Soon, you'll get to know her in the 80's music opus, "Rock of Ages". For now, you know her as #18 on this list.



17. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley ("Transformers 3") It's new and improved Megan Fox, everybody! That was the biggest selling point for the third Transformers movie, swapping out Fox for model Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Her big role in last year's summer blockbuster is what helped R.H.W. nab #1 on both Maxim and FHM's Hot 100. I find myself wondering what all the fuss is about. While Whitely is unquestionably hot with an incredible body, the bone structure in her face is a little....weird. Think Jennifer Garner. At times, she looks like one of the machines from "I, Robot". I know what you're saying "But Dave, she was a Victoria's Secret model at 18!" Yeah, and Kate Upton took the world by storm before she was old enough to vote. Don't get me wrong. I'm not hating on Rosie whatsoever. She's got the goods and she deserves props for increasing the heat on the "Transformers" set after Megan Fox set it ablaze for two films. However, people who make these lists are too quick to crown the new "hot chick of the moment" and I know that might seem like hypocrisy as we near the top of this list but whatever. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is hot, but she's a model, so isn't that expected? Isn't that like saying: LeBron James, he's a good athlete? Who's judging these lists? Jon Gruden? I need more from Rosie before I put her on top of the list. Unless she did to "Transformers 3" what Halle Berry did to "Monster's Ball", I'm going to resist following the trend of anointing Rosie.

16. and 15. Olivia Wilde and Olivia Munn. I grouped both Olivias because, really, I could say the same thing about either one of them. Both are insanely hot in their own way. Wilde has the breathtakingly beautiful face and long, lean body. Munn has more curves, a quicker wit and her love of video games and sports makes her a natural hit with men. Wilde is known for her role in "Tron: Legacy" and her nude scene in "Alpha Dog". Munn is one of the first in a long line of beauties to host G4's "Attack of the Show", before going on to the short-lived "Perfect Couples" and a role in this summer's "Magic Mike". Both are exotic beauties.....who somehow manage to be way too high on these lists.






Munn was 8th in the 2010 Maxim Hot 100 and then moved up to #2 the year after. Now, I love Olivia Munn and she her personality would be the first I'd choose when assembling the perfect woman but the 2nd hottest woman on the planet? Nah. As for Wilde, she was #1 in 2009 according to Maxim before dropping to 15th last year. This year? Wilde is 5th and Munn is 2nd again. I respectfully disagree. Since Maxim lists and all other carbon copies couldn't find a way to completely separate the two Olivias, I joined them together. Munn gets the edge for having the better body and being more of a guy's gal. Wilde has the prettier face. You can debate which one you like more but I have a hard time agreeing with either in the top 10.





14. Adrianne Palicki ("Friday Night Lights", "Supernatural") A small confession: Until I started doing research on this list, I never even heard of Adrianne Palicki. Now, I'm glad that I have. For five years, Palicki was on the little show that could, "Friday Night Lights". As much as I loved the movie, I never saw two seconds of the TV show. I know...I'm a bad person. Sue me. During her stint on FNL, she was also on "Supernatural", a show that I'm sure I'll be granted a bit more forgiveness for not catching a glimpse of. Palicki was also in a movie called "Women In Trouble", a flick with wall-to-wall hot women from Carla Gugino to Emanuelle Chiriqui. Swinging and missing on all of them didn't stop me from doing my homework and rushing Adrianne to the upper echelon of this list. With "Friday Night Lights" over, Palicki goes from high school sweetheart to full-on babe. Her upcoming films? The remake of "Red Dawn" and the sequel to the first G.I. Joe movie. Chances are, I'll end up catching one of those. As will you, which only further make Palicki's case to be in the Top 20.

13. Anne Hathaway ("Dark Knight Rises", "Love And Other Drugs") Anne Hathaway's standing on this list has lead to numerous debates, not so much whether she deserves to be on it(because she does) but so much where she deserves to be on it. Originally, Hathaway was in the Top 10. This was based off her making the wretched movie "Havoc" watchable by being naked in numerous parts(which made up for the fact that she played a white girl dying to be black), her nude scene in "Brokeback Mountain"(the only reason I watched the movie) and her sexing up "Rachel Getting Married" and "Love and Other Drugs". My wife and some of my friends, upon hearing about this, objected loudly. It turned into votes that pit Hathaway against some of Hollywood's elite. Inevitably, the majority gave Anne the L on every last one of them and here she is. However, I feel like I'm a month away from vindication. Next month, Hathaway will play Catwoman in the highly-anticipated finale in the Batman trilogy "Dark Knight Rises". Anne Hathaway in a tight leather suit for two hours? Prepare to eat your words, haters! Despite the sentiments of the rest of the panel that believe otherwise, Hathaway has a ridiculous body which complements her pretty face well. Sure, she's not a knockout and maybe she doesn't turn heads like, say, Kate Winslet does but you're going to tell me you didn't enjoy Anne's assets in every one of those aforementioned nude scenes? Didn't think so. She's come a long way since "The Princess Diaries" and has grown into a woman who is as talented as she is beautiful. Unless "Dark Knight Rises" bombs(which is highly unlikely), Hathaway will be around for a while and, every year, I will campaign harder to push her up the list.



12. Mila Kunis ("Ted", "Forgetting Sarah Marshall") The first of many to defeat Anne Hathaway and move up this list. Everyone on the panel is infatuated with Mila Kunis and for good reason. The exotic eyes, the pretty smile, the sick body......she's almost the total package. She's equal parts cute and sexy. She's like a hotter Emma Stone with black hair. So, why isn't she higher, you ask? Well, because I'm shallow. If Mila's boobs were a cup size bigger, she'd probably be #1. Sorry, I'm a breast man. Did I also deduct a couple points for her contributions to "Family Guy", a show I absolutely detest? Yeah, kinda. Look, Mila Kunis has lit up every movie she's been in. "Max Payne"? Hot. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" Hot, much hotter than Kristen Bell. "Book of Eli"? Hot. That ridiculous "No Strings Attached" rip-off, "Friends With Benefits"? Hot. "Black Swan"? Super-hot. There's nothing wrong with being the 12th hottest woman on the planet. It was just hard to justify putting her over the rest of the ladies on this list. You may disagree but that's part of the purpose of these lists. Someone will have to tell me if Kunis makes "Ted" watchable because Seth McFarlane's one-trick pony impressions certainly doesn't. For now, Mila Kunis is a hot chick who has beat every opponent put against her......except the 11 ladies we already put ahead of her.

11. Brooklyn Decker (SI Swimsuit Model, "Just Go With It") I love everything about Brooklyn Decker. Her cool first name, the fact that she made Jennifer Aniston bring her A-game in "Just Go With It" which made that movie slightly entertaining, her love for animals, her sense of humor on Twiter and, of course, her big boobs. The long lineage of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models is like the Pittsburgh Steelers linebackers of hot women: it's like a tradition of greatness. From Elle McPherson to Tyra Banks to Marisa Miller to Decker and now Kate Upton, it's become like a sorority of hotness and we are thankful for it. Unlike most of her bikini-clad sisters, Decker's raised the bar. She's significantly hotter than most of her predecessors and managed to keep herself relevant beyond the swimsuit world with her high-profile marriage to tennis star Andy Roddick and her dabbling into film. Decker may not have been the second coming of Meryl Streep in "Just Go With It" but she wasn't horrible either. That role lead to roles in "Battleship" and "What To Expect When You're Expecting". Neither look like future Oscar winners but it's better than Tyra Bank's role in "Higher Learning". Decker has everything you want in a woman, but two things kept her from the top. One, it was tough making a supermodel #1. It's unfair. It's like holding a dunk contest among fans in the audience but then picking Vince Carter. Second, while Decker's film work keeps her from fading away like, say, Cindy Crawford has, she's been usurped as the hottest chick to wear a two-piece by rising star Kate Upton. It's hard giving the crown to a woman who isn't even the hottest in her profession. Still, to use a tired old phrase, if I could be anywhere in the world, I'd love to be in Brooklyn.

10. Kate Winslet ("Titanic", "Revolutionary Road") Chances are, when "Titanic" first came out in 1997, you spent the entire three hours astounded by all the scenery, mortified of the horror as the ship sank and then cried like a wimpy deer as the three hours of dramatic romance between Jack and Rose came to a close with Jack being left for dead in the middle of the ocean. Chances are, you were probably also a 15-year old girl. If you were like me, the one thing you took from James Cameron's opus was Leo drawing Kate Winslet's amazing naked body about midway through the film. For me, the movie was downhill from there but it made me a Winslet fan for life. It also made a Winslet fan out of my wife, who campaigned harder than anyone to get Winslet high on this list. The good with Winslet is pretty obvious. Since her breakout role 15 years ago, she has become almost a walking, talking, real life version of Rose Dekater: a gorgeous, statuesque figure who possesses the grace, beauty and rarity of a porcellin doll. Winslet set the gold standard for girls with a fuller figure, before Christina Hendricks blew that mold out of proportion. The bad is also kind of obvious. In '97, Winslet was a breathtaking 22-year old with an outstanding body and beautiful face. Remember, white girls didn't have big asses in the 90's. Winslet was one of the first Caucasians with some back. In 2012, while still a beauty, she's been, well, forgotten. At 37, Winslet is facing the same struggles to stay relevant that women her age faced when Winslet broke onto the scene. Yes, Kate's still an A-level actress capable of stringing together Oscar-worthy performances. So why is she doing movies like "Contagion"? The sad answer is because the once-meaty roles now go to the Anne Hathaways and Natalie Portmans of the world. Sure, Kate's hotter than both of them and possibly a better actress and, yes, Kate has proven she can show she's still got it by with a performance like last year's "Mildred Pierce". However, the fact remains that people have moved on. Having seen Winslet naked all these years, her impressive body doesn't wow us anymore. Having been so used to her amazing performances, we aren't surprised anymore. Quite frankly, she's stopped giving us reasons to talk about her because she's so consistently good. She's like Peyton Manning. She needs to fall off a little to get people excited about her again. Look, the fact that Winslet is still one of the 10 hottest women on the planet in what has become a young girl's game is amazing, and we won't get tired of seeing Winslet bare all until gravity takes its course. That being said, nothing Winslet does going forward will top '97 and it's hard to justify putting someone too high off a 15 year old memory.

9. Katherine Heigl ("Grey's Anatomy", "Knocked Up") I can see the hate mail now. "What? You have Katherine Heigl ahead of Kate Winslet? Are you crazy? Katherine's only three years younger!". Duly noted. Here's the difference. Other than Jennifer Love Hewitt, no actress has managed to stay relevant for so long using only subpar acting skills and large breasts other than Kathrine Heigl. Even Pamela Anderson faded out of the spotlight eventually. Heigl's still doing movies where her cleavage is the second co-star. Also, unlike Winslet, we're still waiting on the much-anticipated Katherine Heigl nude scene. We know what Kate Winslet looks like in the buff. It's amazing. Heigl? The suspense is still there. We came close in last year's "One for the Money" and, Lord knows, there's been enough low-cut cleavage shots to fill a billboard but, like J-Love, we wait patiently for the inevitable reveal. With her run on Grey's Anatomy and movies like "Knocked Up",  Heigl manages to keep staying in the public eye and her name stays in men's conversations....even if those conversations are "Katherine Heigl is a shitty actress but she's hot as hell!". She's had our attention since she walked around the pool in a G-string in 1994's "My Father, The Hero". Since then, her boobs have been everywhere and they've been delightful. "100 Girls", "Valentine", "27 Dresses", "Killers", "The Ugly Truth".....what do they have in common? They all suck....except for the scenes Heigl heats up. Sure, she'll never win an Academy Award and her movies will never be worth the price of admission but she'll remain a DVD princess until she bares all and allows men to check off a name on their mental bucket list.



8. Sara Jean Underwood ("Attack of the Show", Esquire's 2012 Hottest Woman on the Planet) How do I justify putting a woman who was voted the Hottest Woman on the Planet as recently as this past March 8th on the list? How do I make the case for 7 women above a former Playmate of the Year? It's tough. Real tough. And, truth be told, Sara Underwood is the total package and her accolades are as impressive as her assets. Her ass has been named one of the 10 best in Hollywood, which is impressive on a list with girls like Beyonce and Kim Kardashian. There was just something about Sara that dropped her below the others. My wife complains her voice is so annoying, she can't even watch Underwood's 60-second spot, "The Feed" on G4, without hitting mute. I don't share those same sentiments. A couple factors that kept Underwood from being higher. First, when choosing between an amazing tush and amazing breasts, I'm going to go boobs every time. Underwood's chest is perfect for her frame, but it doesn't stack up to the rest of this list. In fact, only Underwood's youth gave her an advantage over the previous two selections because I'll take Heigl and Winslet's boobs over Underwood's can any day. Second, only geeks like me watch "Attack of the Show", thus, you're going to get a resounding "Who?" when you say the name Sara Underwood around people outside of the gaming world. Did you catch Underwood's cameo in "Miss March"? Of course not. That movie sucked out loud. How about "The House Bunny"? Negative. So, how can I campaign for someone even as decorated as Underwood if nobody has really ever heard of her? Look, Underwood beat out 63 other women, bracket-style, to become Esquire's #1 stunner. She's part of a sacred group of ladies known as the Playboy Playmates of the Year. That's impressive stuff but it's just not enough to top the remaining seven.

7. Scarlett Johansson ("The Avengers", "He's Just Not That Into You") I don't want to call my long-tenured love for Scar-Jo an "obsession", but my adoration for her beauty has resulted in me watching "Match Point", "The Island" and "He's Just Not That Into You".....more than once. If Katherine Heigl is the DVD princess, Johansson's the queen. With the exception of her run as the Black Widow in "Iron Man 2" and "The Avengers", her movies are hardly compelling enough for me to dole out $12.50 to see in theaters. However, she can fill a Netflix queue like Kobe Bryant can fill a stat sheet. Johansson's ridiculous body, raspy voice, pouty lips and sex appeal bolster any movie and she's not that bad of an actress either. She's respectable enough as a thespian to get roles that aren't the walking around half-naked spots usually reserved for chicks like Diora Baird. That being said, I wish Scar-Jo took more roles that have her walking around half-naked like Diora Baird. Before Underwood was Esquire's top chick, Scar-Jo was once the mag's "Sexiest Woman Alive". Her breasts were voted the best in Hollywood, her butt was in the Top 5 and her movies were named "Most Likely To Fill Up A Wal-Mart Dump Bin". As much as Woody Allen and film critics love Scarlett, audiences don't unless she's showing off the goods. Her outstanding breasts made movies like "Match Point" and "The Island" watchable to pervs like me but weren't exactly appointment television. In fact, the woman who was once my unquestioned #1 has somehow managed to come down a few notches even as she started to make more enjoyable movies. Truth be told, I wanted Johansson higher but the backlash from the other voters forced her to this spot and, surprisingly, I didn't try to fight with them. Scarlett Johannson is a modern-day version of what Kate Winslet was in 1997, except sultrier and with a lot less nude scenes. She has an aura about her that draws people's attention and that's what will keep her high on these lists for a long time. However, as time passes, Scar-Jo's grip on the top has slipped and the door was left open for others to sit in her throne.



6. Katy Perry (Singer) The title of Hollywood's "best breasts" has traveled from Demi Moore to Kate Winslet to Jennifer Love Hewitt to Scarlett Johansson to this lady before being given to someone higher on the list. Her smoking hot body is what made her #1 on Maxim Hot 100 in 2010. Her music videos for "I Kissed A Girl" and "California Girls", among others, have managed to capture audiences' attention for years and her music is frustratingly catchy. I dropped Katy on this list for a couple reasons: One, the obvious reason of I liked the other five more. Two, her crazy hair color changes which make her look more like a cartoon character than a sex symbol. Most importantly, #3, the fact that she played herself by going overseas and covering Jay-Z and Kanye's "Niggas In Paris". Perry's version wasn't the worst rendition I've heard but it was bad enough, almost like a goth version of one of my favorite songs. Enough suburban white kids make ass out of themselves by trying to be Eminem. When people who have actual talents try to go outside the box and fail? I gotta deduct some points. That being said, Katy is a cutie with a great body and she showed some comedic chops when she hosted "Saturday Night Live". Being hot and having a sense of humor will score you some points. Going across the pond sounding like a cross between Everlast and Fiona Apple...well, that's just going to make me shake my head.



5. Jenna Fischer ("The Office") For those of you thinking this is too high for Jenna Fischer, I suggest you hit up Google images and look for pics of Fischer outside of her "Office" garb. While her role as Pam Beesley(or Pam Beesley-Halpert now) made her famous, the brains behind "The Office" did themselves a disservice by leaving Fischer's character as this cute, innocent secretary who grows within the company. See what "Law & Order: SVU" did once they realized they one of the hottest women on the planet in Mariska Hargitay? They showed some skin, made her sexier. It's the route "The Office" should've taken with Fischer. Anyone who's ever worked in an actual office knows that the hottest chick in the building doesn't come to work  in cute button-up sweaters and cardigans every day for seven years. Lucky for us, Fischer's movie career has given us more of a taste of what she's working with. Roles in "Walk Hard", "Hall Pass", and "Blades of Glory" showed a hotter side of Fischer beyond the beautiful smile and the adorable nature she displays on NBC. It was like when Tiffani Amber-Thiessen finally left "Saved By The Bell" and we finally got to see Kelly Kapowski as a sexy woman and not just a cutesy cheerleader. "The Office" mutes Fischer's overall hotness. Her body is killer. She has a pretty face and she doesn't overdo it with crazy hairstyles like Katy Perry does. You may think 5 is too high. I think Fischer's vastly underrated. With "The Office" on its last legs, maybe we'll see Fischer come out of her shell more often and help justify her spot in the Top 5.



4. Jennifer Love Hewitt ("The Client List"). The long delay between the last Hot 100 post and the final reveal of the Top 20 did Jennifer Love Hewitt no favors. You'll find out why later. Oddly enough, this was the original spot for J-Love but all the fanfare from her comeback role on "The Client List" pushed her up a couple spots. We've known since "Party of Five" that Hewitt was a force to be reckoned with. Her weird smile was off-set by an amazing rack that dominated for the better part of two decades. The "I Know What You Did Last Summer" movies were known not only for being among the most popular scary movies of the 90's but introduced the world to Hollywood's new breakout star: Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. J-Love's low-cut tops on those movies and "Can't Hardly Wait" became such a platform for Hewitt's boobs to shine that Lacey Cherbet(a hot woman I continue to feel sorry for not having on this list) made a parody of it in "Not Another Teen Movie". J-Love's cleavage had its biggest starring role in "Heartbreakers", a terrible movie about a mother-daughter team of gold diggers that's only watchable for the scene where Hewitt tries to seduce Ray Liotta. After that, it was back to television. "The Ghost Whisperer" was "Touched By An Angel" mixed with "Cold Case". Translation: It was horrible. Surprisingly, it last five seasons but many thought that the next ghost J-Love would be whispering to would be her own career. Then, trailers for "The Client List" came out and....WOW. The show is about....well, who cares what it's about, it's Jennifer Love Hewitt in her underwear every episode. How's that NOT Must See TV? The overwhelming amount of publicity for Hewitt's new show re-established her as Hollywood's "It" girl. Suddenly, it was 1998 again. Does it matter that Hewitt isn't a great actress? Of course not. She revitalized her career with 9 episodes of her giving massages half-naked. That's impressive. Who knows how long "The Client List" will last but every episode that airs will keep J-Love at the top of the list and eventually cement her and her boobs its own place in hot chick infamy.

3. Jenn Sterger ("The Daily"). I struggled with this one. Not so much whether Ms. Sterger deserved to be on this list because she damn sure does and Maxim is ridiculous for never having her on theirs. It was more "Is #3 too low for J-Sterg and would I be considered biased if I put her #1?". Those that know me know that I, as well as my wife, consider Sterger a friend. Few people were as angry to see her career derailed by the Brett Favre dick pic scandal as we were and you won't find many who have been rooting harder for her inevitable comeback. Sterger has kept busy with some shorts for "The Daily" and some other Internet spots here and there and we wait patiently for her return to television after Versus failed to utilize her correctly on "The Daily Line". Some consider "The Daily Line" a failure but I found a silver lining. If not for the show, there may not have been a webcast, which may not have lead to us developing a friendship, which may not have lead to me name-dropping her every six months. She doesn't have the illustrious career of the others on this list. Who cares? She's a young woman who was discovered in the stands of an FSU game, rose to glory and now, like everyone else in America, fights and scratches to make ends meet. She's a testament to the American dream. That all it takes is one opportunity. I personally don't believe in role models but she's my inspiration as a guy who just wants one shot to show the world what he's got. Another important note about Jenn Sterger? She's extraordinarily gorgeous. I've followed her career since Brent Musberger nearly sprayed his shorts during that infamous ABC telecast and I've yet to find a flaw physically. Even with the breast implants gone, she's simply striking. Even better, Jenn Sterger the person is even more beautiful. A kind-hearted soul with a razor-sharp wit and sense of humor. Her trademark snark is what makes her a must-follow on Twitter. She's a talent and a beauty who continues to get back up as life knocks her down. Most importantly, she's a friend. She's #3 on the list but she's #1 to me(Well, 1A, my wife does read this, too, you know.)



2. Kate Upton (SI Swimsuit Model). Kate Upton has fluctuated up and down this list for the better part of a month. She was the unquestioned #1 for weeks until I was talked out of it. Then she was #2 until the emergence of "The Client List" led me to swap her with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Luckily, some infamous procrastination on my part allowed her to swap once again with J-Love. In the little more of a week I was on hiatus from doing this list, Kate Upton managed to sneak in the photo shoot that would turn the tide on Ms. Hewitt. Have you SEEN the recently-released photos from Upton's GQ cover shoot? MY GOD! Heating up the pages of GQ is the latest in what has been a glorious two-year run for Ms. Upton. She was SI's Swimsuit Rookie of the Year at just 18 two years ago, then graced the cover a year later. In between that, there's been numerous videos of Kate doing every stupid snap-and-pop dance known to man while also doing videos like this for Skullcandy. During this two-year stretch, Upton's been in more magazine than perfume samples. Her Sobe commercials helped propel her to stardom and compelled me to put her in BoomRoasted Hall of Fame before she was even 20. Kate Upton is EVERYWHERE. Her amazing breasts have become such a thing of legend that Twitter pages have been dedicated to her cleavage. She's dabbled in movies, with cameos in "Tower Heist" and "Three Stooges". She just turned 20 and she's become one of the hottest names in any business: modeling, sports, pop culture, etc. So what keeps her from #1? Well, you've probably gathered by now that I am infamous for my picking of nits. Her smile? Pretty, but kind of weird. At times, she looks like Lola Bunny from "Space Jam". Also, I've never been a fan of moles(really, who has) and hers is the most prominent since Cindy Crawford. These are all slight chinks in her gorgeous armor but I wasn't going to put her at the top and then watch others pick her apart. So, instead, I put her at #2 and picked her apart myself. At the rate she's going, her spot on top is as destined as LeBron's ring. I didn't think SI could top Brooklyn Decker but Upton's blown her out the water. If there's anything that could stand in Upton's way, it's overexposure. I, personally, can't get enough of her but we've learned over the years that people tend to get tired of even the hottest of hot chicks if their face is everywhere you turn.

Of course, we all know that, to me, my wife is my #1 but the 40 people that tune in to this list didn't come here to see me boob it up with lovey-dovey quips about my better half. This list was voted on by the people for the people and, while I had the ultimate final say, I wasn't going to throw a biased curveball by leading you down this primrose path that ultimately leads to my beautiful spouse.

So, without further ado, here's your #1 stunner, your top dog, your Queen of Queens....

1. Sarah Shahi ("Fairly Legal", "The L Word"). Not what you were expecting, eh? Look, men's mags cut the corners and give top spots to supermodels and, while I wanted Kate Upton atop the list, some reasoning and my frustration with mags giving models the crown helped Sarah Shahi take top honors. Most of you know her as Kate Reed on the USA show "Fairly Legal". Those with a little better memory remember her as Carmen, the hottest chick in the history of the Showtime lesbian lovefest "The L Word". What made Shahi the cherry on top of the sundae for me was her brief cameo in final season of "The Sopranos" when she played an escort for Tony Soprano. Go ahead and search for that clip of Shahi getting her ride on and tell me that hip movement wasn't some hot shit. Much like Jenn Sterger, I can't find a physical flaw in Sarah Shahi either. Her smile is addictive. Her body is insane and she flies enough under the radar to not be overexposed. She was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader once, but we'll try to not hold that against her. She's the hottest in a long stable of hot women on the USA network that includes Piper Perabo, Callie Thorne, the WWE Divas, Gabrielle Anwar and, of course, the large smattering of Mariska Hargitay during their weekly SVU marathons. That's a hell of a list of ladies to be above, as is the 100 women that are beneath her on this famous. She's beautiful, sexy, and just relevant enough to not make this too much of a stretch.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 100* hottest women on the planet! You're welcome!

(*Technically, it's 101, since we split Alex Morgan and Hope Solo at the bottom of the list for #100)

2012 NBA Finals Preview

You'd have to dig in the crates to find an NBA Finals quite like this where you have the two best players in the league facing each other, in their prime, for an NBA championship.

Jordan's Bulls vs. Magic's Lakers in '91? Maybe, though the argument could be made that Magic was getting long in the tooth.

Hakeem's Rockets vs. Shaq's Magic in '95? Probably a better example, though Shaq wasn't quite the dominant machine he would become with the Lakers.

The 2012 NBA Finals not only offers the two best players in the league going head-to-head for their first championship. It's the two best players in the league, playing the same position, guarding each other with everything at stake. This series is about more than LeBron James vs. Kevin Durant but try telling that to those amping up this NBA Finals. To them and, really, to all of us, this is the basketball version of Pacquaio-Mayweather. This is Jerry Rice being defended by Deion Sanders. It's Bob Gibson on the mound facing Hank Aaron. After years of championships being won by historically great teams, it's the individual matchups that will draw all the attention when the series tips off tonight. Beyond James vs. Durant, there's Dwyane Wade vs. Russell Westbrook, Chris Bosh vs. Serge Ibaka, James Harden vs. Shane Battier. It's a collision of two young, supremely athletic teams where the best six or seven players on the court are either in or nearing their prime(with the exception of D-Wade, whose prime is starting to slip).

It's just what the doctor ordered after the season the NBA just had, which brings me to the other reason these Finals are significant.

The NBA lead off last fall with the same PR nightmare the NFL tried and, inevitably, did avoid: A season marred by labor strife-related work stoppage. Fans were quick to turn on the NBA after the league had to cancel nearly the first two months of the season while trying to hammer out a new CBA. When it was announced that basketball would return on Christmas, many who watched how the lockout took a toll on the NFL in terms of injuries and overall sluggishness(especially on defense) were scared that the NBA was in for the same damage. We expected a season filled with costly injuries and high scoring affairs where defense was as common as a Harlem Globetrotters show.....and matters were about to be made worse.

As if being embroiled in a labor strike wasn't enough of kick to their public relations groin, the league really opened the door for conspiracy theorists laying in the woodwork when it completely botched the Chris Paul trade. Time will tell whether the league, then operating under the best interests of the New Orleans Hornets, made the right move by nixing the win-now trade agreed upon from the Lakers in order to take a Clippers offer that had more future perks. The fast-paced entertainment of the shortened NBA season eventually took some of the attention off of the Paul debacle, even though CP3's MVP campaign in L.A. still left a sour taste in some people's mouths. Still, even throughout the season, the league was hampered by another trade mess: the on-again, off-again trade demands of Magic center Dwight Howard. When Dwight finally lost his game of chicken with Orlando and foolishly agreed to not opt out(a move he now admits he regrets), the league seemed to steady the ship the best way it knew how and got a lift from a surprisingly entertaining postseason highlighted by the emergence of the 8th-seeded Philadelphia 76ers(yet scarred by the torn ACL of last year's MVP Derrick Rose). This year's playoffs saw the return of the old Heat-Knicks rivalry, the return of the San Antonio Spurs and Boston Celtics and teams like the Indiana Pacers, Memphis Grizzlies and Los Angeles Clippers making their case as sneaky teams to watch going forward. Yes, all was finally well in the world of hardwood.

Then, the NBA lottery happened.

When the still-league owned Hornets won the NBA lottery and the chance to acquire the Draft's only franchise-changer in Kentucky forward Anthony Davis, everyone still salty over the Chris Paul deal sharpened their pitchforks and lit their torches and headed back towards league offices for David Stern's head. If that wasn't enough, every great playoff game seemed to be hamstrung by some questionable officiating. When the Miami Heat came back from down 3-2 to win the Eastern Conference in 7 games, cynics threw up their arms in disgust and were dead set that the fix was in(another lucky break for the NBA after the Heat advanced: Boxing signing its death certificate with one of the worst scoring decisions in the sport's history, awarding Tim Bradley a win over Pacquiao after Pac-Man dominated Bradley for 12 rounds. To say that the Internet was on fire after the split decision was an understatement. Suddenly, LeBron James making his second straight NBA Finals didn't hurt as much.).

The truth is this, and this has been pointed out on several different websites so I'm already aware that I'm not breaking new ground here, the NBA was going to deal with people crying foul regardless of who won the lottery. Could you imagine if Cleveland won, two years after LeBron left and a year after winning the #1 pick with the draft choice they acquired from the Clippers? Or how about Brooklyn, just a few months away from opening its grand basketball cathedral in Brooklyn? What if they won the right to draft Davis and give the Big Apple ANOTHER potential big star? If the league was going to rig the lottery, why would they agree to send Anthony Davis is New Orleans of all places? I mean, I'm a Hornets fan and I have a hard time understanding that one. A team with the 4th-worst record last year that's a cluster of bad contracts and role players that's 12 months away from losing the centerpiece of the Chris Paul trade in Eric Gordon? THAT'S the team the league hand-picked to send it's next big thing? Why? If the league somehow forces the Magic to give Howard to the Hornets for Gustavo Ayon and a future 2nd-round pick, then I'll be the first to smell something's up but, until then, I'm not buying it. I'm always looking for reasons to be skeptical but.....this? I just can't see it. You can call it bias, but I think there were more entertaining options if the league wanted to screw us.

Regardless, all of that negativity gets washed away thanks to the NBA Finals matchup we all wanted when these playoffs started. Durant and James have whet our appetite for this showdown by putting on some phenomenal performances in these playoffs. There was LeBron's Game 6 against Boston in the Eastern Conference Finals, which was almost matched by Durant's Game 6 to close out the Spurs in the Western Finals. Still, there's more interesting points to these Finals besides the fact it might save the NBA or we get to see two superstars battle it out.

Here's some other things to think about:


* This series comes down to more than just LeBron vs. Durant. I reiterate, this isn't a one-on-one showdown. For starters, if we learned anything from the two most recent Lakers-Celtics Finals, it's that the toll of having to carry the load offensively and then get back on defense and guard the opponent's best player inevitably wears you down. Tonight's Game 1 might be one for the ages and we may even get a couple other back-and-forth affairs between "The Akron Hammer" and "Kid Dynamite" but it's not going to be the made-for-TV movie we all dream it will be. The team that wins this series will be the team whose bench steps up the most. Obviously, that advantage goes to Oklahoma City as Miami doesn't have much beyond their Big Three. Oklahoma City has Derek Fisher, who may be washed up but has a reputation for coming up huge in big postseason moments. The only guy with those kind of clutch tendencies on the Heat is Mario Chalmers and I think we can all agree he's no Derek Fisher(although Derek Fisher wasn't Derek Fisher until he BECAME Derek Fisher. Confused? You should be. If Mario Chalmers is going to sharpen that buzzer-beater resume from his Kansas days, he's going to have to start somewhere. What better place than these Finals?). Beyond Fisher, there's forward Nick Collison, defensive stopper Thabo Sefalosha and young center Cole Aldrich. The Heat will combating that trio with guys like Joel Anthony and Norris Cole. That's not exactly a reason to get pumped in South Beach. So, yes, Durant vs. LeBron will be the main event and Wade-Westbrook is a great undercard but this series is going to come down to guys outside of the respective Big Threes.


* At the risk of stating the obvious, Dwyane Wade needs to come up big in these Finals. It's amazing how quickly Dwyane Wade morphed from an MVP candidate who owned Miami to a guy some have fantasized about trading in the offseason. D-Wade's postseason hasn't been terrible but it's been bad enough to wonder if he's lost a step. Skeptics are quick to point out the fact that he's 30. So? He just went seven games against a Celtics team that's two years from collecting Social Security and they were thisclose to facing a Spurs team lead by a guy in Tim Duncan that fans were reading the last rights to before the season started. Win or lose, Wade's going nowhere but it has been interesting to watch him wither under LeBron's spotlight. Lest we forget, we all thought LeBron would be the sidekick when he decided to take his talents to South Beach two years ago. Now, South Beach went from Miami-Wade County to Miami-James County. Wade isn't washed up by any stretch of the imagination. He just hasn't looked like the 2006 tour de force we remember. With that said, if people were ready to bury Flash before, a series against the younger, faster, more explosive and more athletic Russell Westbrook will do Wade no favors. Wade is one of the game's best two-way players and he's proven he can lock guys down but Westbrook will be the best guard he's faced all postseason and if having to play both ways is destined to wear down the much younger Durant and James, it's bound to be even worse for Wade(who seems like an elder statesmen among these young pups). LeBron's made it this far with Wade being underwhelming but he's also been lucky. The best team he's faced to this point was Boston, who was without its budding star in Avery Bradley and was just too old to be able to win its second straight seven-game series against a younger, more athletic opponent. This time around against a heavily-favored Thunder team, Wade needs to be James' Pippen and take some of the load off LeBron to keep him from tiring. James is coming off putting the team on his back for seven grueling games against the Celtics. It's asking way too much for him to do the same thing again in the Finals while also having to shut down the game's best scorer.



* Chris Bosh is Miami's only advantage in this series. We've mentioned the Thunder have the better bench. We'll agree that Durant-James is a wash and we'll also agree that, if you had to lean one way or the other, you'd take Westbrook over Wade right now. The other advantages for Oklahoma City? First, Scott Brooks is exponentially a better coach than Erik Spoelstra. Coach Spo looked lost at times against Doc Rivers and company in the ECF and even in some spots in the two series prior. He's been especially befuddled when it comes to drawing up a late-game gameplan and the alleged rift between him and Wade will only stand to get worse if the Heat start off slow. Meanwhile, Brooks' men love him and he's solved the main problems that plagued them last season: inexperience and the Durant-Westbrook alpha dog debacle. Now, everyone knows their role in OKC. This is Kevin Durant's team with some help from Westbrook and James Harden. However, if there's a plus in Miami's column, it's Chris Bosh's matchup against Serge Ibaka. Ibaka is one of the premier defensive big men in the game and he's proven to be able to guard stretch-fours like Bosh, but Bosh is crafty enough offensively to be a factor. Yes, Ibaka will have games where he throws Bosh's jump hooks into the bleachers. There will also be games where Bosh drops 30 on him. Bosh's return is what helped swing the Conference Finals in Miami's favor and his three-point shooting in Game 7 was a huge reason Miami is playing for the title again. Unlike Wade and James, Bosh doesn't have to worry too much about his opponent on the offensive end. Ibaka's big offensive output against San Antonio in Game 4 was a fluke. You're not going to see that again in these Finals. What you will see is Ibaka hustling on the boards and contesting shots. Bosh needs to keep him guessing and make life easier for James and Wade.



* Before you paint the Thunder as the good guys, remember the people of Seattle. Oklahoma City has embraced the Thunder and have proven to be one of the sport's best and most loyal home crowds. That being said, it's hard to get excited for the Thunder without feeling bad for fans of the Sonics. Remember, these people loved their team, too, and they had to sit back and helplessly watch them skip town and are now forced between rooting for them or the most hated team in the league. That can't be easy. Yes, it's unfair to hold what happened to the Sonics against Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, who seem like two of the game's best role models and genuine good guys, but it's also unfair that Miami gets to wear the black hats by default. Many may disagree with how this Heat team was assembled but they did it by the book and they made the moves that fans clamor for their teams to make every summer. Every fan wants their team to sign the best free agents. Miami signed the best three of 2010. It's just as much a matter of business as the Sonics becoming the Thunder. We may not like it but it's crazy to think that one team deserves to be on a higher moral ground just because they built their team through the draft as opposed to throwing money at mercenaries. Dwyane Wade was Miami's draft pick. He chose to bring his friends to his house. There's nothing in the rules against that. There's nothing in the rules against moving your team to another city. It's just a matter of ethics. Both teams have reasons to draw ire. You can choose to hate whoever you want but, before you make the Thunder into heroes, think about how this must feel for the guys sipping vanilla lattes from Starbucks while watching the Finals in their Shawn Kemp jerseys during a rain storm in Seattle. Dwyane Wade could have took the party elsewhere and left Miami in the dust much like ownership did to Seattle. He didn't. He brought the party to his table. Sure, he robbed Toronto and Cleveland while he did it but at least those fans still have a team to root for. Sonics fans can't say that anymore.


* Win or lose, LeBron James deserves our respect. You can hold a grudge against King James for "The Decision" if you want. He admitted it was a mistake and Cleveland has proven to be unfit place for a once-in-a-generation talent to succeed by picking in Top 4 three times in the last two seasons. In those two seasons, LeBron has made the Finals twice. He put on a performance only seen before by Wilt Chamberlain in his epic Game 6 masterpiece against Boston. As of right now, he's the game's best player. That could change if he gets outplayed by Durant but what should also change is all the vitriol the man has had to face since Day 1. Now, I will grant you that LeBron does do a little too much hot-dogging at times(hanging on the rim after the alley-oop in Game 7, putting his hand up like Sidney Dean in "White Men Can't Jump" after nailing a 30-foot jumper) and I've said many times that I disagreed with making his "decision" into a national spectacle. That being said, it's time to face facts. One day, LeBron will be champion. It might be by this time next week. It might be next season, but it will happen. He's the most explosive athlete this sport has seen since Michael Jordan and, whether Bulls fans want to admit or not, MJ would stand no chance guarding LeBron if both were in their prime. He's too big, too fast, too strong, too athletic and maybe even too talented. Is he BETTER than MJ? Time will tell. Right now, absolutely not, but you can't spend most of a decade building a man up to be a basketball god than be outraged when it turns out he can't walk on water or turn water into wine. LeBron James is human. You wanted him to get a better team around him so he could compete for championships and he did. He didn't go about it the right way but he clearly made the best decision for his NBA future. When his career is over, you will look back at all the time you wasted denouncing a man who couldn't live up to the lofty expectations that you put up for him. It took Jordan eight seasons, a Hall of Fame coach and the acquisition of one of the 50 greatest players of all-time to win his first championship. Jordan needed Pippen and Phil Jackson. James needed Wade and Bosh. Jordan competed against the Malone-Stockton Jazz, the Johnson-Barkley Suns, the Kemp-Payton Sonics. He never had to try to win championships against teams with three Hall of Famers in their starting lineup and, when he did try, he failed(Bird's Celtics, Isaiah Thomas' Pistons). This is LeBron's 9th season. At 27, this will be his 3rd Finals appearance. At the way athletes train and condition, he could play for another 10 years. He's not going anywhere. So enjoy him while you have him.

NBA Finals Prediction: Heat over Thunder in 7. Every bone in my body and beat in my heart says take Oklahoma City. Westbrook is going to own Wade. Brooks is going to school Spoelstra. OKC's reserves are better. James Harden is going to win at least one game by himself. However, a couple of things to consider. First, nobody gave Dallas a shot against a heavily-favored Heat team last year and the Mavs won in 6. Everyone thought OKC was finished after going down 2-0 to San Antonio and here they are. Everyone thought Boston was going to upset Miami after they won Game 5, yet here's the Heat. This has been a postseason of the unexpected(with the obvious exception of the Finals matchup we all predicted. Still, that prediction was in jeopardy two weeks ago). The Thunder may have more talent but Miami has more experience. This is Wade and James' third NBA Finals. They know from last year what not to do. Oklahoma City has made all the right moves. They can't be perfect forever. The first two games of the Spurs series proved that. Second, if LeBron and Durant are even offensively, James still gets the edge defensively. We've never seen Durant lock down an opponent the way James did Derrick Rose last year or make big defensive plays when it matters the way James did in Game 7. We also know Wade is better than Westbrook defensively and Battier is every bit as good a defensive stopper as Sefalosha is. It's not impossible to think that Miami can dig deep defensively and win a gritty, ugly game by throwing a wrench in this explosive Thunder offense. I don't know if you can have that same confidence with Oklahoma City.

Third, and finally, LeBron is due. When it looked like Indiana might pull off the upset against the Bosh-less Heat, LeBron persevered. When Boston had Miami on the ropes looking for the knockout, LeBron took their best punch and delivered a KO of his own. This is going to be a hell of a series between two evenly-matched teams and we'll remember this Finals for ages but if LeBron is ever going to get it right, it's going to be this time around, when he's the underdog against an opponent who will raise his game every night. Durant vs. James is going to be something special but, if I learned anything this postseason, it's you don't count out LeBron James