Saturday, June 2, 2012

The BoomRoasted Hot 100* (50-41)

We're halfway through so far as the list continues to move at a snail's pace. Here's the links for those that need to catch up:

100-91
90-81
80-71
70-61
60-51

Let's keep it going.....

50. Victoria Justice ("Victorious"). If you are a frequent visitor to the The Disney Channel, you've probably seen the girl who represents the halfway point of the Hot 100 on her show "Victorious". If you're like me and are over the age of 16 and don't have kids, you probably had to break out the Wikipedia. Here's what I learned about Victoria Justice within the last hour of research(yes, hour. On a website viewed by adults, I had to dig to find some info on Ms. Justice that doesn't make this list a target for pedophiles......to no avail, I may add)....she's 19 and, from the looks of her, she's got everything going for her that fellow Disney Channel staple Selena Gomez has going for her except Justice actually looks like a woman whereas Gomez still looks like she could do Welch's grape juice commercials. Obviously, at 19, Justice is, to quote that great wordsmith Britney Spears, not a girl but not yet a woman, which is to say she still has some growing to do. That means, much like Spears and Gomez, with the right amount of maturation and separation from the syrupy sweetness of her Mouse ears persona, Justice could put a stranglehold on the upper echelon of this list for years to come. Until she's got all the Tori Vega stuff out of her system, it's hard for someone like me to grade her hotness without feeling really creepy. As of right now, she's a cute girl with a nice smile who has a chance at owning Hollywood before she's able to buy her third Rum and Coke.

49. Kate Mara ("Shooter" "127 Hours"). In what has become a theme amongst this list, I did some last minute re-arranging to avoid having back-to-back Mouseketeers on the list(you'll see who I'm talking about soon, as if you couldn't already guess). Instead, we opted for football royalty. Kate Mara is the great-granddaughter of Timothy Mara(owner of Gabe's New York Giants) and Art Rooney(owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers), arguably the two most vital families in the NFL. She's also an actress, albeit not a very famous one. You may have seen her in Mark Wahlberg's "Shooter". Maybe you caught her cameo in "Iron Man 2". Perhaps you saw her in "127 Hours. She's adorable, even if she does kind of have an elfin look to her face. There aren't any high profile roles or movies in the works for Mara, so you'll have to settle for the occasional singing of the National Anthem that Kate does for Giants games. Maybe she could be lower on the list, but there's something sexy about a pretty girl who is the spawn of the two families that represent much of the history of America's greatest sport.




48. Leighton Meester ("Gossip Girl", "The Roommate") For many of you, Leighton Meester is either "that girl from Gossip Girl" or the psycho bitch from the Single White Female knockoff, "The Roommate". For me, what solidified Meester's standing on this list happened back in 2004, when Meester played a virgin pop star named Justine Chapin on the show "Entourage" and promised to give Vinny Chase "the best head he ever had". There was just something ridiculously sexy about how she delivered those lines. Since then, Leighton's been on a tear. She's did a slew of TV cameos("24", "House", the obligatory "Law & Order" spot, "7th Heaven", etc.) before she landed on every metrosexual's favorite show, "Gossip Girl". In between that, she's done a few movies. "Country Strong", which I avoided at all costs. "Monte Carlo"? Likewise. The aforementioned "The Roommate" and this year's latest Adam Sandler disaster, "That's My Boy". She's come a long way from offering to blow Adrian Grenier and, while her career hasn't didn't take the same tawdry turn that lead fellow "Gossip" cast mate Blake Lively to stardom, we're glad that she's prominently in our lives playing roles that aren't cheap Britney Spears imitations.



47. Erin Andrews (ESPN personality....for now) She's a nose job away from being an annual Top 3 candidate. Yes, Erin Andrews has nearly everything you want in woman: amazing body, beautiful smile, immense sports knowledge, nice hair.......with that said, there's a reason she's referred to by my wife as Erin Toucan Samdrews. That beak is like drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa. Andrews has her share of haters: misogynistic guys who hate female sideline reporters taking up air time, petty girls who think she's only popular because she's pretty(which is true, but you can make that case by a number of guys as well), even more petty girls who think the whole "peephole video" debacle was a ploy to make her famous(possible, but very unlikely. I imagine if Erin Andrews wanted to use her naked body to build her portfolio, she'd do something better than a grainy hotel room video saturated with computer viruses). There are rumors going out that Andrews' time is nearing an end at the Worldwide Leader, that she's embittered by the fact she wasn't chosen to replace the now-departed Michelle Beadle on "SportsNation" and that she's become increasingly frustrated with the company's lack of movement on extending her contract that ends this year. Whatever. Andrews doesn't need ESPN as much as they need her. With Beadle gone, the only female personality Bristol has is their former sideline princess(Don't try to sell me on Sage Steele, because I'm passing on that one). Andrews has the respect of her peers(well, most of them) as well as athletes and coaches. She'll find work anywhere, so those clamoring for the end of her ESPN career can hold the hate. She may not be perfect(as her nose well knows) but she's the best thing to hit sidelines perhaps in TV history. She's still the hottest woman in sports and that crown isn't getting tarnished anytime soon.



46. Amanda Seyfried ("Mamma Mia" "Chloe") In 2004, nobody was checking for Amanda Seyfried because she was too busy playing the ditsy blond in "Mean Girls" and getting overshadowed by the likes of Lindsey Lohan, Rachel McAdams and a suddenly-resurgent Lacey Chabert. She's probably got your attention now. After a few runs on TV("Veronica Mars" and "Wildfire"), Seyfried stepped up to the big time with the hugely popular "Mamma Mia", a musical based on annoyingly-catchy 70's group ABBA. From there, Seyfried dropped the Grease 2.0 act and started sexy-ing it up, first alongside Megan Fox in the terrible "Jennifer's Body" and then a role with far more critical acclaim in "Chloe" with Julianne Moore. "Chloe" is where we finally got to see what Amanda was working with and suddenly we were kicking ourselves for not paying more attention during "Mean Girls". The lesbian scenes with Moore alone make it worth a rental, especially considering your other alternatives are "Jennifer's Body" and "In Time" with Justin Timberlake. Seyfried is moving up the ladder on the way to becoming a big time actress. While her post-Mamma movies have bombed, she's putting the musical hat back on again with the "Les Mis" re-make later this year. She deserves some kudos for winning the race and emerging from the shadows of "Mean Girls" to outlast what was a Dream Team of hot chicks. The dumb bimbo gimmick is finished and instead the world knows her as a sexy blond with a ridiculously amazing body. Now that she's back on the forefront, that point will be driven home repeatedly in the coming years.



45. Chrissy Teigen (SI Swimsuit Model) Normal Hot 100 lists are stacked with models, which is something I've found annoying over the years when I read them. Yes, supermodels earn that distinction because they are among the hottest women in the world and, thus, deserve to be on a list of the hottest women of the world. The problem is not all of them are relevant, which is why you'll only find three on this entire list. Anybody can make the case for Adrianna Lima or Heidi Klum, but when's the last time you had a conversation about either of them? Prior to a couple weeks ago, Chrissy Teigen was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model who also moonlighted as singer John Legend's girlfriend and one of the funniest people on Twitter. That role has since changed. Over the past couple weeks, Teigen had been embroiled in a Twitter war with delusional Chris Brown fans after the model took a few pointed jabs at Usher's woman-beating clone. In the most ridiculous of Twitter beefs, women tweeted death threats and other thoughts of violence at Teigen.....who was standing up for women.....AGAINST A MAN WHO BEATS WOMEN! I can't help but find irony in women who support a woman beater by threatening harm against a woman who is fighting against those who commit violence against women. The battle has since died down but it is believed Teigen had to block hundreds of Twitter accounts(most of which people who made new accounts just to slander her) in the hopes of finding some kind of social media tranquility. Lost in all that nonsense is that Teigen is one of the hottest entities in the modeling world whose sharp wit makes her significantly much more attractive(unfortunately, it also makes her a magnet for Twitter hate. Hey, you can't win 'em all.). Prior to her battle with "Team Breezy", Teigen wasn't getting the pub of the other supermodels you'll find on this list. Of course, she has now but, sadly, for all the wrong reasons. Regardless, Chrissy Teigen is as hot as she is funny and that earns her a high mark in my book.



44. Miley Cyrus ("Hannah Montana", "The Last Song"). She's the leader of the new school. The Queen Bee of a new class of Disney vixens who will dominate television screens, men's mags, and movie theaters as soon as they are old enough to rock bare midriffs and take pics in their undergarments. Brace yourself, folks. Britney Spears Part 2 is upon us. Who would have thought that a shit-kicking, mullet-rocking hillbilly like Billy Ray Cyrus would produce such a hot daughter? She's like the right mix of Spears and Madonna: she has Britney's backwoods determination for sex and sin with Madge's weird-looking manly shoulders. Before crossing the 18 threshold a couple years ago, guys haven't devoted that much time to a girl's teenage years since LeBron James was a high school junior(You could make the Lohan comparison, too, I suppose). Now nearing 20, Cyrus has already started her coming out party into womanhood. The videos and performances have gotten a bit more risque(a la Spears in the late 90's), the roles are a lot less "Hannah Montana" innocent and a little more like Lohan in "Georgia Rule". She's a blossoming woman who knows why she has the eyes of America on her: With her figure, those pouty lips and parents who know their best meal ticket is marketing their daughter's sex appeal, it won't be long before we see Cyrus in Rolling Stones spreads riding bicycles in boy shorts(To this day, still the hottest pictures of Britney Spears ever taken). Sure, she can't really sing or act or dance and movies with titles like this summer's "LOL" make watching her a bit more obnoxious but her attractiveness is undeniable. It's time to face facts. Miley Cyrus is becoming a hot woman and with her fame and fortune, she's not going away anytime soon. So, strap yourself in, prepare for the cavalcade of crappy movies, impromptu marriages, unsurprising pregnancies and the inevitable sex tape with Wilmer Valderrama.



43. Amber Heard ("Alpha Dog" "Never Back Down") She's a hot chick who is now into hot chicks. You can't go wrong with that. Whether Amber Heard wants to keep the debate going on what side of the fence she plays in the grass on is her business and none of my concern, but being lesbian certainly isn't going to hurt her cause. Neither is her propensity for getting naked in movies. "The Rum Diary", "Alpha Dog", "Never Back Down", "The Informers"(Surprisingly, not a documentary on Snow), "The Jones".....the girl loves taking her clothes off. And we can't blame her. She's got the goods. What she doesn't have is someone who can feed her a good script. Perhaps its easy to be comfortable doing nude scenes when you're in movies nobody's watching. I mean, people stopped watching Nic Cage movies a long time ago, so I'm sure Amber Heard felt safe in "Drive Angry". She was in the TV show "The Playboy Club" but that lasted only slightly longer than her role in "Friday Night Lights"(the movie, not the show). She's due up next year to be part of a hot cast of ladies in "Machete Kills", so we'll see how that goes. For now, she's a hot woman who now dates women but used to date guys and lets her clothes and preference go wherever the wind blows. I'm more than ok with that.



42. Julianne Hough ("Dancing With The Stars", "Footloose") At first, she was just the hot chick who kept helping celebrities win "Dancing With The Stars" until Cheryl Burke snatched that crown from her. Then, she became a country singer, which I'm willing to forgive. Now, she's in movies. I can't say I watched her in the "Footloose" remake because I was never even compelled to watch the original, but she heated up the movie trailer enough to make me briefly consider a DVD rental. Before "Footloose" was "Burlesque", a pseudo-musical known more for being Christina Aguilera's comeback swan song. Next up is the 80's rock homage, "Rock of Ages", which I'm sure I'll be suckered into going to see given my wife's hardcore love affair with bad 80's music(Meaningless fact that's semi-related: Julianne's middle name is the same as my wife's government first name and their birthdays are a week apart, albeit a couple years separated. What? I needed something to fill space for a woman who's only done a handful of movies). If Shakira has taught us anything, however, is there's no denying the sexiness of woman who knows how to move her hips. Regardless of how you felt about the updated take on the Kevin Bacon classic, Hough did her part in being a much hotter alternative to Lori Singer. Hough also has the benefit of having the prettiest blue eyes this side of Frank Sinatra and that, combined with her blond hair, makes her Hitler's dream wife. I know, not exactly a ringing endorsement....moving on. Hough has a few non-dancing/non-singing roles coming up next year so we get to see if she can actually act outside of her element. Even if she can't, we know one thing: She sure knows how to steam up a trailer.



41. Yvonne Strohovski ("Chuck"). If there was a Hot Chick fantasy draft, this would be Gabe's #1 pick(even over Jennifer Lopez, which has to upset the Puerto Rican side of him). Every few years, we get a new sexy, leggy bombshell who comes in and takes the mantle as a pin-up princess for nerds and video game horndogs everywhere who like women with a soft spot for geeks and penchant for kicking ass. Before Yvonne's run as Sarah Walker, that title went to Kristanna Loken, she of the "Bloodrayne" and "Terminator 3" fame. After Loken faded out, Strohovski stole the scene as the sexiest spy on television(Need further proof of the geek world's love for Yvonne? She was ranked 24th on Wizard Magazine's list of the Hottest Women on TV in 2008). Combine that with her voice work on the last two Mass Effect games and she's responsible for more dweebs popping a boner in their skinny jeans than a Star Wars marathon(Note: With "Chuck" over and done with, the nerd queen crown is now firmly in the grasp of Kaley Cuoco.). There isn't much on tap for Strohovski, post-Chuck, which means there's a possibility she joins Loken on the "once upon a time" list. Hopefully, that's not the case. The world needs more tall, smoking hot Aussie chicks able to grab the eye of nerds and real men alike. Besides, if she wanders off into the sunset, Gabe will have to change his draft strategy for the fictitious Hot Chick fantasy league for the first time in half a decade(Fingers crossed, J.Lo!).

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