....Don't mind if I do. The first thought I had this morning upon hearing of John Madden's "retirement" (and I use the quotes because time has taught me that the only time anyone ever retires is when they're buried beneath six feet of dirt), were hypothetical candidates to replace Mr. Tough Actin' Tinactin as the Batman to Al Micheals' Robin. This was despite the fact that even Scott McIntyre could see that Cris Collinsworth was going to be Madden's successor. (For those not in the know, McIntyre is the blind kid who got voted off American Idol. Try to keep up.) After about an hour I came up with about three logical candidates and another group candidate, if for some reason Micheals chose to follow Madden out the door. I will get to that in a minute, but first some thoughts on the end of an era.
I thought Peter King, in his article about Madden's retirement on SI.com this morning, said it best when he asked the question: In our lifetime, has anyone managed to do three things at an iconic level? He was referring to Madden's legendary status as a Hall of Fame coach, TV broadcaster and video game pioneer....and the answer to his question is noone...or at least noone other than John Madden. To most of the nation's youth, John Madden is the guy whose namesake is entrenched on the greatest video game franchise this side of Mario, EA Sports' Madden NFL Football. The irony of Madden's legacy as a video game icon is that the game's popularity reached its zenith over the last few years as it made its transition to the next gen systems(XBOX 360, Wii, Playstation 3), which happen to be the games that feature Madden the least(with the exception of last year, where Big John appeared as a hologram during the Madden IQ test, of which everyone except losers like me, skipped through).
To relatively older people like myself and Gabe, he was the voice of the NFL. Baseball had Bob Costas and John Buck. Basketball had Marv Albert and Chick Hearn. Football had Madden and Summerall. I always considered Pat Summerall as the Pippen to Madden's Jordan. During their stint together at CBS and FOX, they were the perfect balance of knowledge, chemistry, and entertainment. Madden was the big man with the loud, booming voice. While Summerall was the calm, cool, smooth play-by-play guy. They brought an element to the game that made fans not just interested in what was going on on the field, but what was being said in the booth.
Then, there was Madden the coach. As head coach of the Raiders during the 70s, Madden finished with the highest winning percentage of ANY coach to ever pace the sidelines. ANY coach. This from a guy known best for gimmicky paroadies, foot cream, and turducken. The Jordan analogy is apt in the sense that, like Jordan, Madden's prime came during the mid to late 90s where he and Summerall stood head and shoulders over the broadcasting world. Then, when Summerall got sick and had to leave the booth, Madden went through his Washington Wizards phase with Micheals at ABC and NBC. It wasn't the same as the FOX days, but every now and then you got flashes of the good ol' days(Like Madden's final broadcast this past Feburary at the Super Bowl.) Of course, you sometimes got gems like this from Madden: "A seperated shoulder is when the shoulder seperates". That was used to describe Clinton Portis' shoulder injury following a preseason tackle a couple years back. While everything you'll read today on Madden will sound more like a eulogy than a final farewell, Madden's spirit is not dead. There's a small part of me that believes we'll see Madden back in the booth after he's had his time away.
Unfortunately for us, that Madden-less lull will be filled by the annoying, nasal-ly voice of NFL broadcasting whore, Cris Collinsworth. Look, I have nothing personal against Collinsworth, but how many different paychecks is this man collecting? He's on Showtime's Inside The NFL(of which, he was on the HBO broadcast before it was cancelled). He's on NBC's pregame show. He was NFL Network's A-team broadcaster during the second half of the last two seasons when NFL-N aired regular season games. He's even on Madden's video game as the color guy. Right now, there's a pick-up touch football game somewhere in a snowy suburb in Maine, and Collinsworth is in a zipped-up parka breaking down how Little Jimmy was able to hit Bobby by the streetlight on 3rd and 5. Sometimes, it can be too much. How can we expect other analysts to cut their teeth in big spots if all the big spots are going to Collinsworth? Despite the fact that I knew Collinsworth was getting the gig(long before it was announced this afternoon), I still comprised a list of guys I'd want to see alongside Micheals' on Sunday nights...and here they are:
1. John Elway: On a personal level, I still despise Elway for the '98 Super Bowl, inwhich he got off the snide and won his first ring at the expense of my Green Bay Packers. Personal dislike aside, Elway's articulate(having went to school at Stanford), knowledgeable(having spent nearly 2 decades in the NFL) and he's really not doing anything else(His son, Jack, quit Arizona St's football program, leaving John with a whole slew of free weekends). Sure, he doesn't have much experience in the booth, but wouldn't be worth breaking him in as opposed to hearing Collinsworth use the phrase "Gee, golly" for the 1,000th time?
2. Bill Parcells: I know, I know, he's currently employed by the Dolphins, but when has the Tuna ever been known for his employment longevity? Like Madden, Parcells has been around the game forever and is well-versed in even the most minute aspects of the game. He's a whiz at line play, an expert in special teams, and one of the premier teachers of the 3-4 defense that is dominating the league. Plus, he has the type of big personality that would mesh well with Micheals(The fact that Parcells is from Jersey and Micheals is from New York helps, too, I imagine). Again, yes, he's currently the War Room guru for Miami, but inevitably Parcells will get bored(which, given his history, will be sooner rather than later) and want to take a less demanding and stressful job, much like he did when he worked for ESPN before taking the Cowboys job. Admit it, you want Parcells covering the next Bills-Jets tilt so you can see if he refers to T.O. as Terrell Owens or "The Player".
3. Brett Favre: The fact that Madden and The Riverboat Gambler's retirement came within months of each other should not be seen as a coincidence. Everyone knows that Favre was Madden's # 1 man-crush and everyone also knows that Favre has a harder time leaving football than Rihanna has leaving Chris Brown. In fact, the fact that Favre doesn't have a gig lined up at either NBC, ESPN or the NFL Network has to rank among 2009's biggest suprises. Like Elway, Favre has been around the game forever and having just retired, he's well-schooled in the many eras of the NFL. Also, who better to break down the X's and O's of today's young quarterbacks than the all-time record holder in touchdown passes and interceptions. If you think Parcells covering T.O. will be fun to watch, wait til Favre stammers to find something good to say about Aaron Rodgers or lights up the Unintentional Comedy Scale by chastising Tony Romo's poor decision making after a back-breaking interception. Besides, if anything will lure Madden out of a Laz-E-Boy sofa, it's got to be the oppurtunity to call a game with his long lost love. It will be like watching Kevin Costner play catch with his father in Field of Dreams.
So those are my top three candidates, but I also brainstormed about who would make the perfect duo to take over the booth if Al Micheals, like myself, finds the idea of a full season with Collinsworth in the booth unbearable....and here's what I came up with:
1. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson: Yes, I know they work for ESPN and Sunday Night Football is on NBC. You forget that ESPN's Monday Night Football crew isn't exactly lighting up the Nielsen ratings and ESPN could easily trade Boomer and TJ for the return of Micheals if it felt it would help out the numbers on its prime-time prize. Let's just look at Berman and Jackson as a combo, without the specifics of where they would end up. With the exception of Madden and Summerall, no two men have spent more time covering football together than Berman and Jackson. There's the 2 hours every Sunday morning during the pre-game show. There was their stint together during the NFL Primetime highlight show on Sunday nights(which, while I love NFL Gameday on NFL Network, is sorely missed, even if it did become a bit tired). There was the 8 hours of side-by-side NFL Draft coverage, back when the Draft took an entire day's work. No two men have better chemistry covering the game of football than these two men. Is Berman a bit gimmicky with his constant nicknames and catchphrases? Absolutely. Has YouTube made him look like a surly, lewd, sexist pig in recent years? Definitely. Would I lose my shit the first time Boomer says the words Mark "Dirty" Sanchez? You're damn right I will! Sure, TJ doesn't have much experience in the booth(especially in comparison to Berman, who covered baseball telecasts for a while alongside being Mr. Baseball Tonight), but that's my point. We won't know who's good and who's not until we put them behind the mic. It's the chance you take. Sometimes, you get Marshall Faulk's suprising charm and wit and sometimes you get Emmitt Smith's continued difficulty with the English language(Side note: Darko Milicic doesn't struggle with the English language the way Emmitt Smith does. Watching him speaking is the audible equivalent of the pain that German lady endured when she was mauled by that polar bear.)
So I plead with you, NBC, ABC, ESPN, CBS, NFL Network, Telemundo or anyone covering NFL football....let's get some new blood out there. Just because we lost a jack-of-all-trades, doesn't mean we should replace him with a jackass.......Boom. Roasted.
Signing off,
The Internet's Greatest Unsigned Hype....Dave Leonardis.
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