Enough Already!

The excitement of the NFL's offseason can be bittersweet. Thanks to the overabundance of media coverage on 24/7 sports channels, the internet, and the blogosphere, the otherwise ho-hum downtime of America's new favorite pasttime has transformed into Rumor Central. Now, rather than taking a break from a chaotic five months of football, we get trade speculation, free agency and draft hyperbole jammed down our throat on a non-stop basis. The biggest problem with all this is that all the speculation leads to nothing, leaving ravenous fan bases with the worst case of blue balls this side of the Smurf Village. Last year, Bengals wideout Chad Johnson did everything short of tying two Dixie cups together with a string to get word out that he wanted to trade out of Cincinatti. The buzz led to a cocophony of trade rumors and ficticious deals proposed by beat writers and bloggers and inevitably culminated in a Godfather offer of two first round picks from Washington......which Cincinatti foolishly turned down. The result was Ocho Cinco trotting out on the field annoyed and uninspired, like the feeling your dog gets when you taunt him with a leash on a nice spring afternoon, only to slam the door in his face as he charges toward you.

This year, we have more of the same. As NFL GMs sit on their hands waiting for the ultimate offer, the sports media has been forced to kill time with a mind-numbing array of "What Ifs" in hopes that the buzz will spark a fire under a team's ass. With a draft chock full of good-but-not-great prospects, focus has shifted from this year's crop of rookies to disgruntled stars like Cardinals' WR Anquan Boldin, Chiefs RB Larry Johnson, Browns' "stars" Brady Quinn and Braylon Edwards and, our returning champion, Mr. Ocho Cinco himself.

(uses Stephen A. Smith voice)....How-EVA!, we here at Boom Roasted Sports fancy ourselves as The People's Website and if it's closure you people seek on these here trade embargos, then wait no further. I took it upon myself to conjure up the best deals I could think of in a final attempt to end this Acquisition Cold War. So here goes:

1. The Browns trade WR Braylon Edwards AND QB Brady Quinn to the 49ers in exhange for San Francisco's 1st round pick(10th overall).

Why it works for Cleveland: If you tab someone as your "QB of the future" and, three years into selecting him, he's entering an open competition with a guy who did everything he could to lose his job the year before, then it doesn't say much for your "QB of the future". Alas, that's the story of Brady Quinn, who spent 5 hours on Draft Day waiting for someone to want him only to come full circle three years later and wait for a seal of approval from his hometown team. Edwards, on the other hand, was never really excepted by the Dawg Pound because of his stone hands and Michigan roots. Entering the final year of his rookie contract, Edwards has less of a chance of returning to Cleveland than Manny Ramirez. While you can probably get some nice booty in seperate deals, the Browns can get a bigger prize if they just package them together. If Texas Tech WR Michael Crabtree falls to the Browns at 5(a solid possibility, given the hype surrounding USC QB Mark Sanchez), they could use the pick from San Francisco on a top defensive stud like LSU's Tyson Jackson or Penn St's Aaron Maybin. Crabtree would replace Edwards as the Browns # 1 option and Cleveland already has Derek Anderson, who would have beaten out Quinn in training camp anyway. Sure, the price of two top 10 picks is a bit high, but isn't it worth it to relieve yourself of two headaches?

Why it works for San Francisco: While head coach Mike Singletary will try to tell you he's content with the two-headed monster of Alex Smith and Shaun Hill at QB, the truth is, he could use an upgrade. The Niners were aggressive in their pursuit of aging two-time MVP Kurt Warner at the beginning of free agency, and you had to believe they had their eyes on Sanchez, who played college ball an hour away at USC. While Quinn is unproven, he has the tools to be a star if he can just get some backing by his higher-ups. By pairing him with a target he's familiar with in Edwards, it makes things a bit easier on Quinn. Edwards, of course, will require a new contract at the end of the season, but the price for a wideout who once grabbed 16 TDs not too long ago will probably be cheaper than taking an unproven rookie in a not-so-deep draft class and paying him top 10 money.

2. Bengals trade WR Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson to Raiders for RB Darren McFadden

Why it works for the Bengals: My tag team partner, Gabe, proposed a three-way trade to me three weeks ago that would have sent D-Mac to Cincy, Ocho Cinco to the Giants and Plaxico Burress to Oakland. I loved it then, and even though Plax and the Giants are no longer in the equation, I love it now. The Bengals RB situation is currently being manned by former Bears bust Cedric Benson, who has proven to be unable to withstand both a 16 game workload and a policeman's pepper spray. While McFadden didn't set the world on fire like many hoped last year, he still showed flashes of being a dominant running back with his great size and greater speed. By combining D-Mac and Benson, the Bengals could focus more on being a grind-it-out running team instead of attempting to air it out behind that pourous offensive line. Also, there's the old addage of "addition by subtraction" and while Ocho Cinco isn't the type of locker room cancer that a T.O. or Plaxico was, it goes without saying that the Bengals would be a bit relieved without his whining.

Why it works for Oakland: It might be early to give up on McFadden after only one injury-riddled season, but the Raiders currently have Michael Bush and Justin Fargas on the roster and GM Al Davis is more likely to attract a good offer with an unproven star with upside like D-Mac than he would with the oft-injured Fargas and Bush. It also goes without saying that the Raiders haven't had much success finding a legit wideout since Tim Brown left. Acquring Randy Moss flamed out, as did signing Javon Walker and the draft hasn't yeilded anyone of note. While Johnson can be a Grade A pain in the ass, here's something that keeps getting left out of his resume: He's really good. While it will be tough for Johnson to get motivated in a black hole(pun intended) like Oakland, a change of scenary to a weaker division could do him some good. If the Raiders do go through with using the 7th pick on Maryland WR Darrius Heyward-Bey(whom Al Davis supposedly is in love with), the pairing of Johnson and DHB could make things interesting in the AFC West.

3. The Chiefs trade RB Larry Johnson to the Texans for a 3rd round pick(77th overall)

Why it works for Kansas City: There's a new regime in KC and they aren't respecting any old arrangements. GM Scott Pioli and head coach Todd Haley wasted no time in bringing in a new face of the franchise(QB Matt Cassell) and the revamping will not stop there. After going from Dick Vermiel's doghouse to the top of the running back food chain and then to the back of a squad car, LJ has become and unwanted man in Kansas City, despite his best efforts to bring peace by actually showing up for OTAs. The Chiefs seem content with trotting out last year's 2nd rounder Jamaal Charles as their new guy at running back and are supposedly finally serious about giving LJ what he used to want, which is to get out of town. While it's hard to get a good offer for a RB with a lot of mileage and nearly as many arrests, the Chiefs can take advantage of a draft that has a dearth in power backs such as Johnson. With that additional pick, Pioli could look to find Grandmama's replacement amongst guys like Pitt's LeSean McCoy, Iowa's Shonn Greene or Clemson's James Davis.

Why it works for Houston: It's no secret the Texans are looking for a big back to complement speedy sophomore Steve Slaton, who was outstanding as the starter last year but lacks the bulk to be an every-down back. They could tab Ohio St's Chris "Beanie" Wells as their guy with the 15th pick or try for someone later in the draft. However, there isn't many big backs in the draft with the reputation(both bad and good) and skills of LJ. Having spent the first couple of years warming the bench, Johnson still has enough left in him to be an effective short-yardage/goal-line back for an emerging Texans team. While Johnson's contract will no doubt require some restructuring, but the combination of speed and power with Slaton and Johnson on top of continuing to build through the draft would make the Texans a sexy pick next season.

4. Chiefs trade TE Tony Gonzalez to the Falcons for a 2nd round pick(55th overall)

Why it works for Kansas City: OK, so this trade has been rumored for weeks and only really needs Tony G's seal of approval, but one way or the other, I can't see Gonzalez still a Chief by Monday. The Chiefs want to get younger and Gonzalez wants a ring, which is he's not getting in KC anytime soon. Having dealt it's 2nd rounder to New England for Cassell, the Chiefs could take advantage of Atlanta's desperation for a tight end(Reportedly, they wanted Gonzo bad last year and are supposedly really interested in Okalahoma St's Brandon Pettigrew) to get back in the 2nd frame, where they could fill any number of holes as they continue to rebuild.

Why it works for Atlanta: They don't have many recieving options behind WR Roddy White. Michael Jenkins has been inconsistant and, while they have drafted a reciever the last couple years, none seem ready for prime time. Besides being one of the best ever at his position, Gonzalez is also a great leader and big-time community guy(which is huge, in the wake of the Mike Vick fiasco). His presence as a safety valve for ROTY Matt Ryan only makes the Falcons' chances of going back to the postseason stronger, which will help Gonzalez shake off any reluctance he used to have about being Falcon(Apparently, Atlanta isn't exactly what he had in mind when Gonzalez said he wanted a chance to win a ring).

5. The Cardinals trade WR Anquan Boldin to the Giants for their 1st round pick(29th overall) and a 3rd round pick(91st overall)

Why it works for Arizona: Beyond the obvious "addition by subtraction" which is pretty much the theme in all of these trades, removing Boldin helps in a more fiscal sense. With the defending NFC champs only $2 million or so under the cap, it goes without saying that they need to shed some payroll if they hope to re-sign franchised LB Karlos Dansby to a long-term deal. The first rounder is only a couple of spots ahead of 'Zona's own top pick(31st overall) but it becomes more valuable if Kansas St. QB Josh Freeman is somehow still on the board. As the signal QB with the biggest upside, Freeman is bound to draw interest from a team like, say, Carolina, who want to jump back into the first round to snag their QB of the future. If the Cards can parlay Boldin into either later round picks this year or, better yet, a first rounder next year, it would be looked at as a significant score for a player they had no plans on paying anyway. Boldin's spot would be filled by Steve Breaston, who went for 1,000 yards last year while Boldin was busy getting his face rearranged like Castor Troy.

Why it works for the Giants: Picking at the bottom of the 1st round doesn't offer much hope in terms of finding a viable replacement for ex-Giant-turned-professional-leg-shooter Plaxico Burress. Faced with unproven prospects like Hakeem Nicks, Percy Harvin and local star Kenny Britt, the Giants would benefit better by taking Boldin off Arizona's hands. With two 2nd rounders and two 3rd rounders, the Giants could afford to package some picks if they felt they will get a more proven commodity. While Braylon Edwards is the name more commonly linked with Big Blue, Boldin would be the better option simply because, well, his hands aren't made of concrete. Making this trade also helps the Giants significantly just by keeping Boldin out of Philadelphia, who also have a huge interest in the disgruntled Cardinal.

Quick closing note: Of the guys mentioned here, I expect maybe two of them to actually be dealt either before or during this weekend's draft: Tony Gonzalez and Anquan Boldin. Gonzalez has done enough in Kansas City to earn the right to pursue a championship elsewhere. As for Boldin, the Cardinals will attempt to get some cap relief with the inevitable release of Edgerin James, but the notoriously cheap Bidwells know that they inevitably have to get rid of Boldin and soon. As for the others, I give Edwards a 50-50 shot of being dealt, only if they can snag Crabtree at # 5. The Brown will probably hold on to Quinn to either raise his trade stock for next year or push Anderson in camp. The Chiefs will probably cut Johnson if they can't deal him by the end of the draft. As for Chad Johnson, head coach Marvin Lewis has been come out recently to announce that the team has no plans to move its star reciever now or ever, thus leading us to yet another year of headlines in the spring's never ending circus.