A Letter To Jim Zorn

Dear Mr. Jim Zorn,

I'm sure you've received quite a few of these requesting your resignation in the past 24 hours. I assure you that is not why I am writing this, though I wouldn't blame you if you chose to find a different line of work. You see, I'm not a Redskins fan, so your loss to Detroit, while comical, means about as much to me as a Kanye West blog apology. Instead, I offer advice. As you know, Jimmy, you kind of shit the bed yesterday against one of the worst sports teams known to man. But it's not your fault. Well, most of it is, but it's not ALL your fault.

For starters, you need a quarterback, Jimbo. As a man who has been forced to watch Redskins games because of their local affinity, I can tell you I'd rather have Tisha Campbell as my QB than Jason Campbell. But hey, YOU didn't draft this bum, Jim, and you tried like hell to replace him this offseason. You clearly saw a problem here and I will applaud you for your foreshadowing. I mean, Campbell was taken a pick behind Aaron Rodgers in '05, and he's only one of the 5 or 6 best QBs in the league midway into his second season as a starter. That's neither here nor there though, Jimmy. The important thing it's early and you can still try to make a change, and I have a name that's going to blow your mind. You sitting down, Jimmy, because I'm spit-balling on this one?

Vince Young.

Calm down, Jimmy. I know he's not exactly the second coming of Johnny Unitas, but Vince is a winner, and behind that pile of shit you call an offensive line, he has the mobility to do something other than try to force a pass with a linebacker's helmet lodged in his solar plexus. What's up with your O-Line anyway, Jim? Chris Samuels is a former Top 3 pick. He's a Pro Bowler. Casey Rabach and Derrick Dockery were solid once, too. Randy Thomas? I know he's hurt and it's not good to pour salt in the wound, but you lucked out there, buddy. Thomas....well, to be blunt, he sucks, Jimmy. The right side has been a mess and certainly locking eyes with your old buddy, Jon Jansen, in a Lions uniform all day while Detroit was abusing you like Mackensie Phillips' father must have been awkward, but hey, Jansen's been sewn together more than an old laundry bag. You did the right thing there. I mean, somebody had to go so you could pay DeAngelo Hall all that money, right?

Now, back to Vince. He was the 3rd QB last week for Tennessee, Jimmy! I know that's not a ringing endorsement, but the kid can play. He's certainly been to the playoffs more times than you have since you touched down in the nation's capital. Yeah, he's a little bit nutty and you might want to keep him away from any stray Zanex and sharp objects lying around your office, but really what else do you have, man? Have you looked at next year's free agent QB class? I think your boy Campbell is the best of the bunch, and we both know that's not saying much. Kyle Orton? Charlie Batch? Tarvaris Jackson? This group has less promise than Channing Tatum's acting career. I know, I know, Jim, what about the great QB class coming out this year? What about them? Sam Bradford has half a throwing shoulder. Tim Tebow is more Mike Alstott than Mike Vick. Snead and McCoy? They could be good, but do you really want to pay all that money for something that isn't a sure thing? I guess it won't matter to you since you'll probably be coaching UVA at the time, and if that does happen for you, be sure to bump into my buddy Gabe while you're in Charlottesville. You guys can sit and chat at Wild Wings Cafe and he can tell you all about the time I ran circles around him at the Boom Roasted Sports Pentathlon. I'm quite the athlete, Jimmy, but don't worry, I have about as much interest in playing for your football team as I do in watching one of Tyler Perry's racially-stereotypical, made-for-BET movies.

Vince Young, though, I'm sure he'd be thrilled to play for you. He can reunite with Albert Haynesworth. You can introduce him to Obama. Fun times, Jimmy, fun times, and at this point, the Titans would probably give him to you for 10 cents on the dollar just to shed that contract of his. The contract's steep, Jimmy, just thought I'd warn you, but compared to what your boss has been paying for guys the last few years, it's actually a steal.

So that's something to consider as you try to drown out all the witty headlines and dim-witted bloggers chastising you for the Detroit loss. Look, that team wasn't going 0-16 again, Jimmy, it had to happen to someone, and it happened to you, and that's going to haunt you for a while. I mean, you're the head coach, the QB coach and the offensive coordinator, and you only managed a combined 23 points against St. Louis and Detroit? Those teams were a combined 2-31 last year, Jim....I mean, excuse my language, but what the fuck? You do realize you have a guy at running back who led the NFC in rushing for the first half of last season, right? I know Clinton Portis isn't your BFF, but he's all you have. So run his ass!

That's really all I have for you, J-Man. You can make the move for Vince Young. Don't sell the farm, a couple picks and maybe Devin Thomas or Malcolm Kelly. You might even want to kick the tires on the Colts' Tony Ugoh. He did protect the blindside for Peyton Manning last year and Peyton did win the MVP. Just sayin'. I hope everything works out for you, Jimbo. Just remember, no matter how bad you do, you can't possibly be the most incompetent man to run things in Washington. Someone has that spot locked up.....and America gave him 8 years.

Signed,

boomroastedsports.com blogger and 18-0 Madden 10 NFL GM, Dave Leonardis.