Milk Carton All-Star of the Week

With baseball season right around the corner(Opening Day is Sunday), we felt like it was fitting to give the sports world's highest weekly honor(among athletes of little or no relevance) to a legend of the diamond. Finding a nobody worthy enough to be honored in the sport of baseball is about as hard as finding a hooker for Jesse James. Finding a nobody with a well-publicized birth defect who also doubled as serviceable closer....that's a whole different ballgame. That's why we went to the bullpen and called upon Antonio Alfonseca as our Milk Carton All-Star of the Week.

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Alfonseca was on the come up in 1993 as a member of the then-Montreal Expos, but eventually was drafted in the expansion draft that same year by the Florida Marlins. He won a ring with Florida in 1997 as a setup man, but didn't have a real impact as a closer until 1999 when he saved 21 games. The following season, Alfonseca came in to shut the door for a NL-best 45 saves, which was good enough to earn him the NL Rolaids Relief Man of the Year Award(although, oddly, not an All-Star appearance). He would never duplicate that career year and, after a 2001 season that saw him save 28 games for the Marlins, Alfonseca needed surgery to repair a herniated disc. Alfonseca, always a member of the JaMarcus Russell Overweight All-Stars, showed up to spring training heavy after being on the mend all offseason. The Marlins asked him to drop 15 pounds to ease stress on his bad back. At the weigh-in, however, Alfonseca exchanged words with Dale Torberg, son of then-manager Jeff Torberg. Not too long after that, Alfonseca was sent to the Cubs in a trade that would net the Marlins once-promising pitching phenom Dontrelle Willis.

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Alfonseca had minimal success in Wrigley, saving 19 games in his first year in 2002. The next season, Alfonseca would get suspended five games for bumping an umpire with his stomach(which isn't hard to do at 250 pounds). When that season ended, Alfonseca bounced around the league. He played one year in Atlanta, then moved to Texas for one season, then back to the Marlins and then finishing up with the Phillies. He never enjoyed the success he once had as a closer during those brief stints, though he did save eight games for Philadelphia in 2007.

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For all of Alfonseca's achievements on the mound, he will probably be most known for a birth defect that gave him a extra digit on each hand and foot. This led to several nicknames for the big fella such as "El Pulpo"(The Octopus...which is odd since an octopus has eight arms, not six), "The Dragonslayer"(which is just plain stupid) and "Six Fingers"(which is, of course, stating the obvious and not as good as "Six Shooter", another one of his nicknames).

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So let's give a five-fingered round of applause to the man whose two extra fingers never gave him an upper hand, the poor man's Ugie Urbina......Antonio Alfonseca!

Live From Redneck-a-palooza!

The interest of the American public in professional wrestling has always been divided into three groups: a. people who find it stupid and ridiculous(Gabe's group) b. people who have a mild interest stemming from childhood but have since outgrown it(my current group) and c. flat-out hardcore fanatics(my previous group).

A couple of years ago, I found out that the place I normally frequent, Buffalo Wild Wings, carried the wrestling pay-per-views for free. No cover charge. All you had to do was show up and there wasn't even a mandate to spend money(although it would be courteous to do so). This allowed patrons(many of which falling under Group C) who, either a. couldn't afford to keep shelling out $50 bucks a month to watch wrestling events and/or b. lived in a rural area that couldn't get PPV, to save some coin by enjoying a show and a night out on the town.

The biggest of these pay-per-views was the WWE's flagship show, Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania at Buffalo Wild Wings(which, hence forth in this piece will be known as BDubs) had become known for opening up the flood gates in terms of bringing together some--how do I say this diplomatically--interesting characters. My first experience of Wrestlemania at BDubs involved a line that stretched out the door and around the building at 6 p.m.(an hour before the show even started). Once inside, the place was filled with peckerwoods either decked out in rebel flags and mullets or dressed up as the wrestlers themselves down to the face paint, fake title belts and merchandise.

With that in mind, I decided to attend Wrestlemania at BDubs last night with the intention of chronicling the happenings of the event for my BoomRoasted Nation today. Knowing that I would need to arrive early to lock down a good seat, I showed up at 1 o'clock, meaning I would be spending 11 hours on a bar stool. This is how dedicated I was to explain this to my BoomRoasted supporters. Now, in fairness, trying to describe the chicanery of nitwits with some simple play-by-play is like trying to describe what Halle Berry naked looks like to Stevie Wonder. Some things had to be seen to be believed(and, of course, there's no pictures. What? I didn't want to be rude!). So without further ado, this is my running diary from Wrestlemania at BDubs, which I decided to dub as "Redneck-a-palooza".

1:00 PM: Undeterred by the rain, I arrive at Bdubs as one of only three occupied tables. The other two? A gaggle of ditzy girls and ambiguously gay dudes that looked like they were prepping for a Gossip Girl casting call. The other was a tall, heavy-set bald white guy in a doo-rag that we will refer to as Fake Stone Cold. I mention Fake Stone Cold here because not only is he the ambassador of the aforementioned Group C but he will become a central figure of tonight's events.

1:45 PM: With the Gossip Girl wannabes gone and the place quiet beyond myself and Fake Stone Cold, I decided to muster up some Over/Unders for the night. Here were the originals: Number of mullets(10), number of pee breaks I would ultimately take from 11 hours of non-stop soda drinking(8) and hours my sick wife would tough it out(4). Meanwhile, Fake Stone Cold towers over the Buck Hunter game right next to his table. At this point, I'm 60% convinced he and The Techno Viking will be tag-team partners at next year's Wrestlemania.

1:51 PM: Gabe chimes in, via text, with some Over/Unders of his own: Fake title belts(4.5), Youngest age of child at the bar(5), and actual fights that break out(.5). Sadly, all of these would go under as no children made it into the bar section and the only "fight" was a shouting match between a customer and a bartender that I will explain later.

2:01 PM: My wife, Niki, arrives fresh from picking up our friend, Sean. Now, my wife, despite the fact that she has been coming to BDubs at least once a week for a few years now, gets chased down by the bouncer with Ray Lewis-like closing speed to show I.D. Afterward, Todd McShay moved the bouncer up 10 spots on his draft board.

2:03 PM: Bartender asks my wife what she would like to drink. Knowing she'll be here awhile, Niki hesitates at ordering anything alcoholic right off the bat. The bartender, Curtis, suggests she orders "something crazy", to which I chime in with "How about water?". At this point, UConn 74, Iowa State 36 flashes on the screen, giving the Lady Huskies their 73rd straight win. I'm convinced these chicks are on the juice and that the NCAA should quit wasting everyone's time and just hand them the trophy. On top of that, they should replace Butler in the men's Final Four.

2:14 PM: A look at half-empty stands at the NASCAR race in Martinsville. With the race on delay at this point, the big screen gets switched to Tennessee-Michigan St.

2:28 PM: A text from my mother upon hearing the race has been postponed: "No race. How are we gonna get er done?". My mother is from New Jersey, where "Git R Done" is hardly ever uttered. She also apparently has a Master's Degree in Trying Too Hard To Make The Easy Joke, a program mastered by the writers from "Friends".

2:31 PM: The bar is half-filled with Vols fans......in Virginia, including one heavy-set man who looks like a cross between comedian Jeff Ross and former 76er Todd McCullough. Another lady, a oldish white lady in sweatpants and high heels who looks like the wife of Dog The Bounty Hunter, throws her first hissy fit over NASCAR(which was postponed, mind you) not being on the big screen. It should also be mentioned that this complaint came after 20 minutes of her rooting for Tennessee loudly.

2:45 PM: A debate breaks out between the three of us over the Reggie Bush-Kim Kardashian split.

Niki: "I thought she could do better."
Me: "So could he. You can't date a chick who made a sex tape with the dude before you."

Sean concurs.

2:47 PM: Niki finally realizes that the "Brooklyn" Andy Roddick continually references in his tweets is his wife, supermodel Brooklyn Decker. Niki: "I just thought he really liked New York." At this point, Niki does a role call of all the famous people she follows on Twitter including: All three Kardashian sisters, Juliette Lewis, Danny DeVito and Soliel Moon-Frye. Who are YOU kicking out of the hot tub?

3:10 PM: Cavs-Kings makes it on to the side TV, with the pregame focusing on the return of Big Z from his 30-day hiatus due to the Antawn Jamison pilfering from Washington. It would be the most exposure Big Z would get on national television since 1998.

3:11 PM: Niki goes into a hot streak much like Reggie Miller in the Conference Finals against the Knicks. First, she compares the manager of BDubs to Jamie Kennedy in "Malibu's Most Wanted", than yells "RIP" at Michael Jackson's appearance on the Motown infomercial, then declares the fitness infomercial that follows as "bar porn".

4:29 PM: An hour and half of monotony and trivia is broken by the arrival of a regular bar patron known as "Frodo". Frodo stands just under 5 feet tall and is now equipped with an excellent porn 'stache. He pays homage to Fake Stone Cold. It's like a scene out of The Godfather.

4:35 PM: Tennessee-Michigan St. is close late, causing me to exclaim: "If Tennessee wins at the buzzer, this place will go ape shit and I'm not prepared for ape shit. It's too early." Luckily, I'm saved from pandemonium by a horrid last-second call by Bruce Pearl that involved an inbounds pass that was received before half-court and a cross-court heave that was nowhere close. Spartans win by one. Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife is not please. Neither is Todd McCullough's son.

4:55 PM: Less than two hours to go before Wrestlemania and Fake Stone Cold is antsy. He's pacing back and forth like a Bengal tiger and doing chest bumps with his entourage that just gained two members: a odd-looking duo draped in sleeveless shirts. Fake Stone Cold puts his hand on the shoulder of one of them and says: "I tell you what. There ain't gonna be nothin' but violence and mayhem tonight." He's cutting promos, ladies and gentlemen. I have chills.

5:01 PM: Fresh off befriending a dancer at the strip club a week ago, Niki meets a new friend at the bar: a lovely young lady named Kelly. The two hit it off after a random "Friends" reference. Meanwhile, a tall, creepy individual lurks into the bar, dressed in Steelers garb, highwaters, Keith Van Horn-esque knee socks and sandals that are taped together with duct tape. The table tries to coax Sean, a fellow Steelers fan, into talking to him with Kelly referring to the creeper as Sean's "BFFF"(Best Fuckin' Friend Forever). Sean is understandably reluctant, especially after Niki says "He's probably sizing one of us up for a garbage bag."

5:31 PM: Duke-Baylor getting ready to tip off. Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife now rooting for Duke. She must want to get stabbed.

5:47 PM: Niki tries to recruit people to take part in her biggest life dream: a bar fight. Kelly agrees to join. Meanwhile, our friend Kate reveals that she once broke up a bar fight and that she has a scar on her chest to prove it. This provokes the men at the table to ask for visible proof. To help aid Niki's bar fight fantasy, I start chanting "Let's Go Baylor!" to antagonize Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife. "Dave, she's from West Virginia." Niki warns. "That explains the odor." I quip back.

5:54 PM: I con Niki into showing off her calves to her new buddies. Kelly and company are in awe and start taking pictures as if just shown an albino gorilla. "Worst calf-off ever. I'm so embarrassed." Niki says solemnly. "No, it was pretty hot. Admit it. You have the panty pudding right now." Kelly responds. I laugh hysterically at the phrase "panty pudding". Yup. I'm 5.

6:00 PM: The often-imitated, never-duplicated Chris Looman(his words) finally arrives after telling us he was going to take a half-hour nap. This was two hours ago. It takes Niki all of 5 seconds to start screaming insults at him.

6:17 PM: Fake Stone Cold gets his tag-team partner. Unfortunately, it's not the Techno Viking. Instead, it's a massive bald man who has the rare head-neck-shoulder combo going on. In other words, while some people have no neck, this guy's entire upper body just melds into one lump. He's also wearing a Santino Marrella jersey that is about three sizes too small. Meanwhile, Dog The Bounty Hunter proceeds to yell "Yee-haw!" at every Duke basket. Am I at a rodeo?

6:31 PM: We're joined by our friend, Jarrett, better known as "The Reverend". Meanwhile, a fist pump montage of Baylor players by CBS that would make Snooki proud takes the Duke game to commercial break. These two are unrelated incidents.....I think.

6:40 PM: The man, the myth, the legend....our friend Dillman arrives. Once in the building, he would put on an MVP performance. I'll explain later.

7:00 PM: IT HAS BEGUN! Fernandez arrives to round out the table. Meanwhile, switching off a then-close Baylor-Duke game with 3 minutes to go for Wrestlemania causes some bar attendees to go insane, none more than Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife who is at the bar screaming at the bartender.

7:01 PM: VH1 reality star and American Idol winner Fantasia comes out to sing "America The Beautiful". This causes Niki to lose her cool and me to scream out "We Want Carl Lewis!". Opening match is a 3-way tag team bout which starts with a Mystikal look-alike screaming "What's Up!" repeatedly as he runs down the aisle. I'm almost 70% sure it was Elijah Dukes. Fight ends in about 10 minutes, thanks to right hand by "Waterboy" star The Big Show. Easily a worse finish than the Tennessee-Michigan State game.

7:18 PM: A triple threat between the sons of former wrestling greats takes place, including Ted Dibiase Jr., star of The Marine 2. I become appalled at the fact that he does not come out to his father's theme music, which is probably one of the 5 or 10 best entrance themes of all time. Everybody has a price, damnit!!!

7:22 PM: Duke pulls away from Baylor for the win, but that doesn't stop Dog The Bounty Hunter's wife from continuing to give the bartender the business on her way out of the bar. Niki gets left stranded by her attempt at a high-five and a "Yay Duke!". Meanwhile, Fernandez DEMANDS that I mention that the triangles on Cody Rhodes'(son of Dusty) boots look like the Triforce from Legend of Zelda. Sean meanwhile mentions that Randy Orton(son of Cowboy Bob Orton) is about to "roid out", causing Dillman to point at Sean in faux seriousness and announces that he was about to "roid out".

7:30 PM: Orton lands a double DDT on Rhodes and Dibiase, which garners a round of golf claps from Fake Stone Cold and his Freak Show entourage. Orton then proceeds to pound the mat with his fists like he's having a seizure, which amuses Sean and Jarrett. Orton lands his finisher, The RKO, which gets a loud "YES!" from The Freak Show. Match over. Looman, who had been doing the Orton pose for two years as he walked into...well, anywhere, refuses to do the pose on his way to the bathroom. Lame.

7:37 PM: "Money In The Bank" match begins, causing us to wonder why Fernandez won't get his hair styled like Kofi Kingston's horse mane-like ponytail and also why Jarrett never changed his name to "Jack Swagger" nor "The Gold Standard". Disappointing.

7:41 PM: Announcer Michael Cole says "go through the back door", causing a series of chuckles from the table. It would the first of many homoerotic quotes from Cole. Also, quick side note. No Jim Ross for this event, which was a huge bummer. To me, an event of this magnitude needs someone like Ross to hyperventilate on call. In fact, next year, Jim Ross and Gus Johnson must commandeer the booth and become the first announce duo to spontaneously ejaculate in unison during a pay-per-view event since Lusty Busty Thrusty 3.

7:43 PM: Sean, Jarrett and I decide that all fantasy draft orders should now be decided via ladder match.

7:49 PM: Kane chucks a ladder out of the ring. Looman: "I hope it hit that guy in the front row with the Craig Ehlo jersey." Zing!

7:54 PM: Niki is glad the red, white and blue adorned Jack Swagger wins to vindicate Fantasia's OJ-style butchering of "America The Beautiful".

7:59 PM: Hall of Fame induction montage, which featured the late Stu Hart, which caused me to turn to Looman and ask "Stu Hart's dead?". The other key member in the Hall was "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase, who vindicated his yuppie son by ending his speech with his outstanding theme music(MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!) and then making it rain with 20's. Pacman Jones would be proud. Another note: Wendi Richter was also inducted. She was long before my time and she has to be well into her 50's but I would gladly reenact the Halle Berry-Billy Bob Thornton scenes from Monster's Ball with her......repeatedly.

8:03 PM: Niki makes her exit. Final numbers: 6 IP, 2 ER, 1 BB, 11 Ks......in a 6 hour, 3 min performance. Congrats on whoever bet the over.

8:10 PM: HHH-Sheamus unfolds. Sheamus goes by the moniker "The Celtic Warrior", which is relevant because the Celtics-Spurs game is on. Could be a big night for the Irish.

8:12 PM: Sheamus is so damn pale and Triple H is so damn tan that it looks like Rudy T vs Kermit Washington all over again. Also, who would have thought that Triple H would go on to have bigger tits than his wife, Stephanie McMahon? Another note on Triple H(one of all-time favorite wrestlers)....he'll be 41 in July. 41! Most running backs can't make it through 4 months of football after age 30. Hunter's getting fake-punched on a weekly basis into his 40's. I don't know whether to be impressed or discouraged.

8:22 PM: Both men are down on the mat, causing Sean to quip "It's like Rocky II". Dillman predicts Triple H is about to hit "The Pedigree".

8:24 PM: Triple H hits The Pedigree. Dillman: "I told you, motherfucker!" Match over. Celtics also get trounced by the Spurs. Worst night for the Irish since John Kennedy died. Sean, Fernandez, Jarrett and I wonder why there isn't a fantasy pro wrestling league and then wonders who would be the top pick. Dillman: "I'd take myself first."

8:30 PM: During CM Punk's pledge inwhich he denounces America's reliance on pharmaceuticals, Dillman screams out "Man's got a point!". Dillman than calls over the no-neck guy in the Marrella jersey to discuss Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels, set to take place later tonight.

8:37 PM: Dillman goes into rare form, discussing his love for Hulk Hogan and his disappointment in The Hulkster's current state: "What happened to the Hulk I loved? I would have married Hogan. Ric Flair? I would have only banged him." He's the best.

8:41 PM: Fernandez, fresh from a trip to the john: "I know the Wild wings aren't that hot anymore but you should still wash your hands before taking a piss. " Sage advice, kids.

8:44 PM: Montage leading up to Bret Hart-Vince McMahon match ends with Vince screaming "You deserve to be screwed!" That's something you yell at a hooker.

8:47 PM: Dillman's shining moment: "I'm calling it right now! Owen Hart is interfering in this match. He faked his death!". Meanwhile, the no-neck guy keeps telling everyone "You're fired!". I think he just pulled a muscle in his headneckshoulders.

8:50 PM: "You deserve a Wrestlemania sized screwing". I'm almost 100% sure Vince got this from one of Tiger Woods' text messages to his porn star mistress.

8:55 PM: Bret Hart: "Remember this as the night that Bret screwed Vince." Um...I'd rather not.

9:03 PM: Odd series of subliminally gay comments from announce booth during Hart-McMahon. King: "Is he waiting for Vince to get his second wind and give him some more?"

9:05 PM: King: "I don't know how McMahon's still conscious. I'd have passed out from the pain." Fernandez: "It's like watching 'Passion of the Christ' except less fake." Hitman wins in a rather uneventful beatdown. I don't know about you, but if I was waiting for 13 years to give the boss that screwed me over an asswhooping, I doubt it would just be a couple of shots with a steel chair. He'd look like Slater after the auto accident in the Zak Attack dream sequence.

9:09 PM: Attendence announced at 72,219 people....which has to be a far bigger number than the number of people who saw "The Tooth Fairy." Seriously though, how does The Rock turn down the chance to be a wrestling megastar to go to Hollywood and do movies like "Gridiron Gang", "The Gameplan" and "Tooth Fairy". Does Eddie Murphy approve his scripts?

9:23 PM: The Freak Show enjoys a round of shots, while the no-neck guy in the midriff recites the intro to the New Age Outlaws. It should be mentioned that these are grown ass men.

9:46 PM: 10-woman "Diva" tag team match on tap, which would be exciting if one team wasn't headlined by Beth Phoenix, a ghastly tranny looking woman who looks like she could play power forward for the Detroit Pistons. The other team is led by the widow of Eddie Guerrero, Vicki Guerrero, who is so hideous and overweight, one look at her and you see why Eddie killed himself. (Dillman: "I made that joke 5 minutes ago!")

9:55 PM: John Cena-Batista set to take place. Batista, armed with one of the best entrance songs in the company, walks the aisle in full badass mode with the exception of his trademark machine gun pyro. This would continue a trend started in the latter half of the PPV where some of the pyro gets skipped during the entrances and, rather than announce the names during the walk down, the announcer instead waits til both men enter the ring, the smoke clears and then introduces them one by one like in a boxing match. This wouldn't be a bad idea if not for the fact that the intros were not done by Michael Buffer. I'm willing to accept no intros during the theme music, if Buffer turns to Batista or whoever and says "And in this corner.......his record, an astonishing one......He IS the 6-time Heavyweight Champion of the Woorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrld! FORMER World Wrestling Entertainment Tag Team Champion! FORMER United States Champion! From the Nation's Capital........Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave "The Animal" Batiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiista!"(Note: this has to include Buffer's special tongue roll during the latin names. I want to feel like he's introducing Pablo Sandoval when he's talking about Batista.)

Cena comes out next. He has a pack of Marines doing a full-on salute, like a scene out of "Few Good Men". You would think he's trying to get Batista to cop to a Code Red. Now, I don't know John Cena's background, but I'll venture to say that his only stint in the Armed Forces was his role in the shitty action movie "The Marine". John, "The Marine" was years ago and it sucked out loud. You're not a Marine. Go back to the Marky Mark/wannabe gangsta rapper gimmick and entertain the crowd with some of your half-wit freestyles. The salutes and the camo is just plain disturbing. I'm sure the troops appreciate the support, but I don't think they'd mind if you stopped riding their coattails.

10:02 PM: John Cena vs. Batista lasts about 15 minutes. Now, I'm not the type of serious wrestling fan that goes nuts over wrestlers giving a lack of effort or the importance of good matches and other wrestling snobbery, but this was a world title match between perhaps the company's two biggest stars under the age of 40. Did they really need to rush through this so we could have nearly an hour of 45-year old Undertaker vs 44-year old Shawn Michaels? Just sayin'.

10:12 PM: During Jericho-Edge match, Sean insists I go home and tell Niki, with my pants down, to "Fear The Spear!". He's quite the romantic.

10:25 PM: Fake Stone Cold is gassed up about the final match of the night: Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels, a rematch of last year's critically acclaimed showdown. While pissing in the urinal, Fake Stone Cold rants about how he's tired of taking shit from these morons(pot meet kettle) who claim 'Taker is going to beat Michaels tonight. A drunk victory guarentee in the men's bathroom. Take that, Joe Namath!!!

10:30 PM: During Michaels' entrance, Fake Stone Cold downs two cans of Foster's. During the second one, he gets about half-finished before bashing the can against his head repeatedly. THIS is why you come to Wrestlemania at BDubs!

10:31 PM: Undertaker enters to the same ominous funeral music he's been walking out to for most of his career. Other than Chris Berman, has there been ANYONE who has gone as long with the same tired gimmick as The Undertaker has the past 20 years?

10:35 PM: Tombstone outside the ring forces medics to "check Michaels' pulse" by grabbing his inner thigh. This may be the gayest Wrestlemania EVER. Meanwhile, two side rants. One, the commentators clearly mastered Hyperbole 101 prior to tonight. First, they call McMahon screwing over Hart in Montreal 13 years ago "one of the biggest controversies of all-time", which may be true in the pro wrestling world but hardly registered a blip in the real world. Then, they proceed to give away match endings with tragically predictable foreshadowing, like talking up Michaels' career(which was at stake for this match) throughout the entire match and claiming how the World title has only changed hands once(which was done by John Cena) prior to the Cena-Batista bout.

Secondly, and this was a point I enforced on Twitter during the Tweet-a-thon, Shawn Micheals will be 45 in July. He's married with children. He's born again. Can we still call him "The Heartbreak Kid"? Don't you retire that moniker once you've tied the knot? Plus, after watching Michaels hobble around the ring for 40 minutes, the only thing broken appears to be his dignity. Thankfully, his career allegedly ends here......maybe.

10:40 PM: Series of near-falls have the hillbilly faithful in an uproar, even causing one guy to start kicking barstools. Really, man? It's just a fucking wrestling match? Do you have money on it? Is it THAT serious?

10:43 PM: HBK moonsault on top of 'Taker's leg destroys the table and causes King to yell out "'Taker's leg is snapped!". Mind you, this is being said while 'Taker is walking(albeit hobbled) into the ring.

10:45 PM: 'Taker pulls down the straps to his spandex, causing Fernandez to joke "You gotta let those babies breathe."

10:49 PM: Micheals kicks out of the first Tombstone, causing someone(either Cole or the equally horrible Matt Striker) to yelp: "Disbelief in 'Taker's eyes for the first time in his career." I know he's supposed to be "The Deadman" but he's not an actual zombie and this is also not the first time someone has kicked out of the Tombstone in 'Taker's career. Shit, Michaels got up from it just 20 minutes ago. Michaels goes from a grovel to a knee, pressing his face against 'Taker's legs, which leads me to believe he's about to blow 'Taker to avoid another piledriver. 'Taker demands Michaels "stay down", which is exactly what you would tell someone if you want them to administer the oral. Michaels instead bitchslaps him, which leads me to quote Charlie Murphy: "First of all, you don't slap a man! Even in the old times when it was fashionable like 'I challenge you to a duel'. There would be a gunfight afterward! SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO GO!"

10:51 PM: 'Taker drops Michaels with another Tombstone for his 18th straight Wrestlemania win, as the Freak Show mobs Fake Stone Cold due to his Michaels victory guarentee going awry. Somewhere, a bottle of champagne is still on ice as the family of Bruno Sanmartino watches in disgust. Afterward, The Freak Show bow to 'Taker and chant "18-0". I continue to shake my head. Nobody should take any form of entertainment THIS seriously, especially when the combatants are fake hitting each other and the storyline is scripted. People weren't even this moved when Rocky beat Apollo Creed. Why? Because it was a damn movie!

10:53 PM: Michaels does the Pete Rose wave around the ring, while tears well up in his eyes. The man's had more fake retirements than Floyd Mayweather Jr and Brett Favre combined. We've seen this show before. The crowd at BDubs claps in unison as if they just seen the greatest fight in their lives. Truth be told, it was two old fogeys staggering around the ring while the commentators talked up every move like they were about to let loose with the jizz. The overexaggeration got so bad during the final stretch that it became comical.

As for Michaels' farewell? The camera, whether intentionally or not, catches him telling the crowd he'll be retiring in 3 weeks. Then why did we just watch this match? I thought once you agreed to retire if you lose, that you retire WHEN YOU LOSE. I wasn't aware there was an amnesty period for retirements once you bet the house and fail. Maybe that's just me.

11:00 PM The show finally ends and the place clears out like roaches when the lights come on. It was a rather disappointing show, both the event itself and the people in attendence. Any shot at long lines was shot down by the combination of the NASCAR cancellation(which would have made seats scarce since, theoretically, everyone watching the race would stay for the PPV) and the rain(since it's widely known that rednecks hate water). There were no college kids dressed up like their favorite wrestler. The best we got was Fake Stone Cold in his doo-rag(which is a no-no amongst white people....Eminem included.) and a couple idiots in cowboy hats. All in all, my hope of turning this into an 11-hour commentary about the stupidity of hardcore wrestling nuts went awry and turned out to be a bigger disappointment than "The Marriage Ref".

When the dust settled, it was Fake Stone Cold and his freak show, our group and one other table. With the juke box back on, Fake Stone Cold's no-neck tag team partner made some surprising music selections:

"In My Life" - Juvenile, "Renegades" - Jay-Z/Eminem, "Drop The World" - Lil Wayne/ Eminem and a Jay-Z cover of "Forever Young" by Alphaville that would have undoubtedly drove Niki into a murderous rampage. By midnight, we left the building and headed home and I scoured through my book of notes trying to spool together a worthy re-telling of a night that was every bit as lackluster as the show we came to see.

Block Party

This may sound like I'm being a homer, and maybe I am, but until last night the block of the year in the NBA belonged to the Spurs' Manu Ginobili.

He made this incredible play against Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder:
(I apologize for any ads before these videos. What can you do? The NBA needs to make money somehow.)




That block was incredible and I was fully prepared to call that the block of the year.

But last night that play was eclipsed by......the Spurs' Manu Ginobili!!



First of all, you know it is absolutely a clean block because KG didn't get the foul call. KG gets thrown down like that, at home, and there's no call? It's clean. I love the look on KG face, like he thought something like that could never happen to him. I guess anything is possible.

In keeping with the theme of great blocks, I would also like to take this opportunity to share two of my favorite blocks in NBA history. I'm not saying these are the best of all time, just some of my favorites. Whenever I think of awesome blocks these two immediately come to mind.

First was when Ben Wallace blocked Shaq in the playoffs, when Shaq was playing for the Heat.



Just like KG, Shaq has a look that says things like that are not supposed to happen. Wallace went up and threw his arm down with such force that Shaq ended up on his ass. Wallace knew immediately that he got all ball and came up give the jump ball signal. I loved those Pistons teams of the early to mid 00's. They were built on toughness and defense which I love, in any sport. I've also never really liked Shaq, mostly because he spent years with the Lakers battling my Spurs.


Next is a block that is among the greatest in NBA history. It is certainly the best I have ever seen as it happened. In fact, in some circles is referred to simply as "The Block."

I am of course talking about what Tayshaun Prince did to Reggie Miller:



First, this block should have never happened. If Miller goes up for the jam instead of the lay-up it doesn't give Prince the time or the room to make the block. Even more impressive is the way Prince runs down Miller. They say in the video that he was at half-court when Miller was at the three-point line, but really Prince started running from further back than that. And you can tell he slows down and stutter steps to perfectly time himself before fully extends to get the ball. Simply one of the best ever.

Nascar/Wrestlemania

The Nascar/Wrestlemania tweet-a-thon has started!

So far, the race is delayed and the natives are restless.

Follow Dave on Twitter...@DLSmooth82 for updates.

Fly Like An Eagle

It's as much an offseason fixture as free agency. The Donovan McNabb trade rumors seem to happen so frequently and with such a lack of success, that it's almost becoming like the boy who cried wolf. Last year, with McNabb's hometown Chicago Bears needing a quarterback, conspiracy theorists expected the Bears to take a run at Philly's disenfranchised signal caller. Instead, the Eagles dragged their feet and the Bears opted for the younger and more surly Jay Cutler. The Minnesota Vikings needed a quarterback and also had the luxury of having one of McNabb's former tutors in Brad Childress as their head coach. However, no talks with the Eagles ever got past its infancy and the Vikings put all their eggs in the Brett Favre basket.

This year seems to be different from past years. Having seen what they have in heir apparent Kevin Kolb and with the injury-prone McNabb due a $6.2 million bonus in May, McNabb looks like he's finally going to be exiled from The City of Brotherly Love. Good for Donovan. McNabb's loyalty to the city of Philadelphia and Eagles fans(at least publicly) is a bit mind-boggling. After all, these are the same fans that booed McNabb on Draft Day back in 1999 when he was taken over Ricky Williams, and Eagles fans never seem to warm up to McNabb since. Plus, there was the exuberant amount of dog shit that McNabb seemed to always step in from a public relations standpoint. Perhaps no athlete in recent memory came under fire for just doing his job like McNabb has. After the Draft Day booing, there was the Rush Limbaugh fiasco with the conservative blowhard declaring on ESPN that the media's motivation behind rooting for McNabb was because he was a black quarterback. Then, there was J.Whyatt Mondesire, publisher of a black newspaper and president of the Philadelphia chapter of The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, who criticized McNabb's leadership and essentially called McNabb a disgrace to African American athletes. In between that was the widely publicized between McNabb and Terrell Owens. All the while, McNabb stood tall and took it on the chin. No Hal McRae-style public rants. No bombast. No trade demands.

My question is why? I like Donovan McNabb. I think he's one of 10 best QBs in the NFL, when he's healthy. He's certainly the best quarterback Philly has had since Ron Jaworski. If Philly isn't going appreciate his talents, why be so resistent to a move elsewhere? What have these people ever done for you, Donovan? They didn't exactly riot when Andy Reid benched you late last season. They aren't exactly picketing the Eagles' front office admist another year of rumors of your exile. Perhaps a change of scenery would be good for you. Maybe you've just spent so much time in Liberty Bell Land that you are jaded from the finer points of playing for some of the teams that might want you. Don't worry, D-Mac, I got you covered. Here's a deeper look at your top three suitors.

1. Oakland Raiders: I liked the alleged proposal of CB Asante Samuel and McNabb for CB Nnamdi Asomugha. Like Gabe said when we discussed this the other day, pure cover corners like Asomugha are a rare breed in this league. As for McNabb going from a contender to one of the worst teams in the league, look, McNabb brought that Eagles team as far as he was going to take it. 5 NFC Championships and a Super Bowl appearence. With McNabb at the helm, the Eagles were a contender nearly every year. Fans in Cleveland and Detroit would kill for that kind of run over the last 11 years. Will McNabb make the Raiders a winner? Of course not. That line is horrible and there isn't a receiver worth throwing to within 100 miles, but Oakland can offer McNabb something that Philly will not and has not: Appreciation. Sure, the creatures of The Black Hole aren't the most cordial of folks, but if they have to back either a 33-year old, injury-prone McNabb or a overpaid and overweight JaMarcus Russell, they will do everything but hoist McNabb on their shoulders and carry him from Philly to Oakland. Plus, it's the last year of McNabb's deal. He doesn't HAVE to sign an extension and with Russell making big bucks to sit the bench and be the black John Candy, Oakland would rather not pay both of them anyway. Plus, the weather is fantastic and the division is horrible. It's not a long shot to think McNabb can make the playoffs with this band of rejects.

2. Buffalo Bills: Great football city with a fan base that is dedicated to guys who will help them win(as any of the five people who watched "The T.O. Show" can attest after seeing Owens can bombarded at the airport by Bills fans upon his arrival). They have two good backs in Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson, a decent wideout in Lee Evans and one of the finer offensive minds in head coach Chan Gailey. The offensive line is a work and progress and the defense is a year or two away as they adjust to the new 3-4 scheme, but it will get there. Sure, playing in the same division with the Dolphins(division champ from '08), New England(division champ of '09) and the Jets(AFC Championship game runner-up) doesn't make things promising in terms of contending, but the same can probably be said if McNabb was to stay in Philly and play in one of the toughest divisions in football.

3. St. Louis Rams: There really isn't much upside to going to a team that has won 6 games in 3 years, except that McNabb's presence would allow the Rams to use the #1 overall pick on Nebraska DT Ndomakong Suh, widely considered the best defensive line prospect to come around in years. Like Oakland, McNabb would be playing in a weak division. The team that won this division last year, the Arizona Cardinals, lost its Hall of Fame QB, one of its best recievers and two of its best players on defense. On top of that, their big free agent pickup, LB Joey Porter, just got busted for a DUI. Plus, RB Steven Jackson is like the running back version of McNabb. A beast when he's healthy, which is pretty rare. WR Donnie Avery could be a poor man's DeSean Jackson and head coach Steve Spagnuolo should be able to make a solid defense out of a defensive line headlined by Suh and fellow first rounders Chris Long and Adam Carriker, not to mention MLB James Laurinaitis. Now, I'll admit, this would be a much funnier scenario if the NFL approved Limbaugh to own the Rams, but this might turn out to be a better situation for McNabb then he thinks. An up and coming team, led by a fiery leader in a division that has no real dominator.

And that's it. That's the list. Look, Donovan, your days in Philadelphia are numbered. The draft is in a less than a month and fans and media alike are already planning for the Kevin Kolb Era. Philadelphia never appreciated you and, if you believe you have anything left in the tank, you need to use this newest slight as motivation to carry another team much like you used your halftime benching in the Ravens game two years ago as motivation to carry the Eagles to another NFC Championship. You're not going to Minnesota, Donovan. Brett Favre's coming back again in September and Big Red isn't dealing you to a team that came thisclose to the Super Bowl last season. For all his horrible clock management, terrible play-calling, inability to convert on 3rd down and in the red zone as well as his dubious challenges, Andy Reid isn't stupid(at least, not stupid enough to trade you to a team that's a QB away from the Super Bowl). You're 33. You've only played one full season since 2003 and you're due nearly $7 million in a recession. If the Chargers were willing to cut L.T. for half of that, the Eagles will no doubt do the same. Don't look at leaving Philadelphia as trip back down the ladder but rather an opportunity to finally play for a team that appreciates your talents(even if they are declining).

Like I said, Philadelphia owes you nothing......except a plane ticket out of town and, this year, it will finally happen.

Wrestlemania and Nascar!!!

Ever wonder what it's like to sit at B'Dub's all day on a Sunday and watch people watch NASCAR and Wrestlemania??

Me neither....

But to find out, check out Dave's live tweets as he does just that. I don't know what to expect, other than it will be interesting and funny.

Find it here at his Twitter address.....http://twitter.com/DLSmooth82.

Special March Madness Milk Carton All-Star Team

The Milk Carton All-Star of the Week has gone M.I.A. for the last couple weeks, with good reason. With March Madness already commencing and most of the nation's brackets shattered after Kansas' chokejob to Northern Iowa last week, we figured we would both lift your spirits as well as quench your MCAS thirst by serving up the NCAA Tournament Special Milk Carton All-Star Team.

At center.......from North Carolina........ERIC MONTROSS! Montross was selected with the 9th overall pick in the 1994 NBA Draft by the Boston Celtics.(over solid stars like, say, Temple's Eddie Jones and Michigan's Jalen Rose) as a member of long lineage of useless, white Tarheel centers(a group headlined by former MCAS Serge Zwikker). Montross spent most of his pro career as an NBA poster child, not because he was a role model to the kids but because he was most commonly found on more well-publicized facials than Paris Hilton. Midway through his lackluster career with the Celtics, Mavs, Nets and Raptors, Montross made the bold decision to shave off his Roger Maris crew cut and go with the Jon Barry baldy which, had he stayed in Boston at the time, would have easily made him more recognizable as a member of House of Pain. After an 8-year career that saw him average 4 points and 4 boards a game, Montross faded into obscurity and can now be seldom seen doing broadcasts for the Tarheels.

At forward.....from Iowa State.....MARCUS FIZER! This was a toss-up between Fizer and former Kansas center Raef Lafrentz. However, Montross filled our tall, goofy white boy quota, so we opted for Fizer instead. Fizer lucked out, in a sense, by being part of one of the worst NBA draft classes in recent memory when he was taken with the 4th overall pick by the Chicago Bulls in the 2000 Draft. Other notables in that cavalcade of mediocrity? Stromile Swift, Chris Mihm, Darius Miles, DerMarr Johnson and Jerome Moiso. The 2000 NBA Draft was so bad, Fizer isn't the only member of that class to make this list(wait for it....wait for it...). Coming out of Iowa St., Fizer was a bit of a 'tweener at 6'8 270lbs. On top of that, he was blocked from his natural power forward position by the presence of former top overall pick Elton Brand. That meant Fizer had to try to earn his minutes at small forward, where his lack of quickness and shooting touch quickly made him a poor fit. On the bright side, you can't help but chuckle at Fizer's teammates on the 2000-01 Bulls. There was husky UCONN point guard Khalid El-Amin, raging nutjob Ron Artest and March Madness buzzer beater Bryce Drew. As for Fizer's career, it faded fast. After a three-year stint with Chicago, Fizer went to Milwaukee and the New Orleans, where his lack of size and speed routinely got him owned under the boards. By the time he was 27, Fizer was out of the NBA and is currently playing in Puerto Rico.

At forward....from UCLA.....ED O'BANNON!!! Ed O'Bannon's NBA career lasted about as long as "Homeboys From Outer Space" did on UPN. O'Bannon, seen here next to some of UCLA's finer cheerleaders, was highly touted coming out of college after winning a national title in 1995 and having his jersey retired by the Bruins. He was taken 9th overall by the Nets in '95 but lasted all of two seasons. TWO! O'Bannon's biggest accomplishments came as a throw-in in a trade with Dallas that sent O'Bannon, circus freak Shawn Bradley, and Robert Pack to Dallas for Jim Jackson, Chris Gatling, NBA sex symbol Sam Cassell and the aforementioned Eric Montross. 7 months after that trade, O'Bannon was dealt along with clinically dead point guard Derek Harper to Orlando for Dennis Scott. After going 30 and 17 in his final college game, "Ed-O" averaged 5 points and 2 boards in his 2 year career. Even Master P wasn't this big of an NBA disappointment. After his pro career ended at 24, O'Bannon went overseas where his career was officially flatlined by arthroscopic knee surgery. When he isn't selling cars at a California dealership, O'Bannon is making headlines by being at the forefront of a lawsuit against the NCAA for the organization's usage of images of former student athletes for commercial purposes. While a settlement has yet to be determined, it is believed the NCAA will pay back the entire $2.50 it generated from using O'Bannon's likeness.

At guard....from Villanova.....KERRY KITTLES!! After a solid career at Villanova, Kerry Kittles was taken 8th overall by the New Jersey Nets in what was perhaps the most star studded NBA Draft is quite some time, the 1996 NBA Draft. That draft featured Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Ray Allen, Steve Nash, Stephon Marbury, Peja Stojakovic, Jermaine O'Neal and Marcus Camby, to name a few. Because of the sheer talent of that draft, Kittles' somewhat admirable career got dwarfed. Kittles averaged double digits in scoring his first seven seasons in the league(all of which coming with the Nets, including two NBA Finals appearances) and averaged 15 a game for his career. However, Kittles' lanky frame couldn't handle the punishment of a prolonged NBA season and he only last 8 seasons in the pros(which, granted, looks like a Hall of Fame career compared to O'Bannon) and eventually had to retire after one season with the Clippers due to knee troubles. Currently, Kittles works as a scout with the Nets where he's been plenty busy given the fact the Nets are currently 8-63 with 11 to play.

At guard.....from Michigan State.....MATEEN CLEAVES! After a storied collegiate career that saw him win the 2000 NCAA championship as well as the Final Four Most Outstanding Player, Mateen Cleaves entered the 2000 NBA Draft as the most heralded Spartan since Magic Johnson. With his flashy passing and big, Madison Avenue smile, marketing execs were anxious for the slightest bit of success from Cleaves so they can turn him into "The Next Magic". It never happened. Cleaves' lack of shooting touch was his undoing and his trademark passing was never on display as he never averaged more than four assists a game in a season(2004 with the Cavs). In fact, Cleaves' most noteworthy post-college moment came just a few weeks ago, when Cleaves(now a record label owner and analyst for Fox Sports Detroit) was arrested for suspicion of drunken driving outside of his hometown of Flint, Michigan.

And you head coach for the NCAA Milk Carton All-Star Team....Temple legend John Chaney. Most coaches would sell their testicles to have the legendary career that John Chaney had during his 34-year career. Lifetime 741-312 record(becoming the first African-American head coach to 700 wins). 31 postseason berths, including 17 trips to the NCAA Tournament. 8 regular season conference championships, 6 conference tournament championships, 5-time Atlantic 10 Coach of the Year. The resume goes on. However, when you look like a combination of Ray Charles and Master Oogway from "Kung Fu Panda", it's easy to become fodder for the likes of someone like myself. While Chaney's legacy is impressive, he's never brought a team passed the Elite 8 and, for all of his accomplishments, he's best known to some people as the guy who stormed into a postgame press conference and threatened to kill current Kentucky coach(then-UMass coach) John Calipari. Cheney was as renowned for his temper as he was for his winning record, which is why he gets the nod over, say, Quin Snyder. When overseeing this band of NBA washouts, who better to run the X's and O's than a poor man's Bobby Knight who could pass for a senile version of one of the Cosby kids?

.

So let's cut down the nets and fire up the band for this motley crew of college nobodies.....THE NCAA MILK CARTON ALL-STAR TEAM, ladies and gents!

AL East Preview

Getting down to the final two divisions of our MLB Preview, here's our take on the AL East:

Dave's Projected Finish:

1. New York Yankees: It's hard to think the defending champions aren't the team to beat, not just in the AL, but in the entire league. After a frivolous offseason a year ago that saw them bring in pitchers C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett as well as 1B Mark Teixiera, the Yankees had a somewhat quiet offseason this year. Perhaps because they no longer have the chip on their shoulder that comes from failing to win a championship with the league's highest payroll. The Yankees did, however, manage to improve in two big areas. They continued to bolster their rotation by bringing in former Yankee Javier Vazquez from Atlanta to, theoretically, take Joba Chamberlain's spot as the 3rd starter. They waved bye-bye to aging outfielders Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui and filled those spots with slick-fielding holdover Brett Gardner and offseason acquisition Curtis Granderson. They also managed to bring back former Yankee prospect Nick Johnson to both fill in at DH and spell Teixiera if needed. They also managed to talk starter Andy Pettite to come back for one more season.

The moves that will have the big impact, though, will be bringing in Granderson and Vazquez. Granderson's speed and power from the leadoff spot makes an already dangerous lineup that much more intimidating. Additionally, Granderson's young legs will provide an upgrade in center from the defensively-deficient duo of Damon and Melky Cabrera. As for Vazquez, his presence allows Chamberlain to move back to his more natural spot as Mariano Rivera's setup man, which will bolster a bullpen that has had its troubles in years past.

And that's just the new guys. Lest we forget that the team still has Sabathia(who came thisclose to winning the Cy Young last season) and Burnett(overpaid but serviceable) as one of the top 1-2 pitching combos in baseball. They also have a lineup that will now feature a healthy Alex Rodriguez. Despite missing two months with a hip injury and being hampered all season by a nasty steroid scandal, A-Rod still managed to smack 30 homers and drive in 100 runs and, most importantly, shattered the "post-season choke artist" label by winning his first ring.

So, once again, the Yankees are 100 foot colossus towering over the league and drawing envy and hatred from those below them, but now that they no longer have something to prove, will the Bronx Bombers still have the hunger to defend the title? Will they be too consumed with their own press clippings to focus on being the dominant team that their roster suggests they'll be. If the answer is yes to both questions, then this team will represent the AL in the Series once again and the franchise's 28th championship might not be far from its grasp.

2. Boston: Last season may have been the worst possible scenario for the boys from Beantown and Red Sox Nation. Not only did the offense appear toothless in its first full season without slugger Manny Ramirez, but the BoSox had to sit back and watch their hated rival, the New York Yankees, enjoy another ticker tape parade. On the bright side, that anguish led to an offseason that saw them fill some needs. They overpaid quite a bit for former Angels workhorse John Lackey, but his addition to a rotation that already has perennial Cy Young contenders Josh Beckett and Jon Lester makes the Sox much more formidable. The key for the rotation will be bounce back years from former high-priced free agent pickup Diasuke Matsuzaka(4-6, 5.76 ERA) and once-promising pitching prospect Clay Buchholz.

Improved play from Buchholz will only further his trade value and speed up his inevitable exile from Boston in return for the big bat the team failed to pick up in the offseason. The BoSox were unwilling to get into a bidding war to keep Jason Bay and they were rebuffed in their attempt to bring in Matt Holliday. Instead, the Red Sox ended up with free-swinging strikeout machine Mike Cameron and solid 3B Adrian Beltre. With Beltre leaving the spacious Safeco Field for a better hitter's park in Fenway, not to mention slipping into a lineup that offers a bit more protection thanks to the presence of former AL MVP Dustin Pedroia, hard-hitting 1B Kevin Youkilis and midseason pickup Victor Martinez, Beltre should double last year's production(which isn't saying much, since he hit 8 HRs with 44 RBIs) but is probably a longshot to match the career year he had in his last season with the Dodgers(48 HRs, 121 RBI, .334 BA) even despite the more hitter-friendly surroundings.

If the Red Sox can manage to use their farm system to finagle a big bat like Detroit's Miguel Cabrera or, more likely, San Diego's Adrian Gonzalez, than they would be able to shed their role as Robin to the Yankees' Batman. After all, the rotation is as deep as its been in a long time(although I'll admit not as top heavy) and they are complemented by a solid bullpen led by soon-to-be-exiled closer Jonathan Papelbon. Still, the Red Sox are going to need to pack a harder punch if they want to stand toe-to-toe with the Mike Tyson of the division, the New York Yankees.

3. Tampa Bay: Much like they did last year, the Rays sit coiled and ready to pounce if the Red Sox or even the Yankees falter. They have a solid young lineup, headlined by 3B Evan Longoria(.281, 33 HRs, 113 RBI last season). Last season, the Rays found some protection for Longoria in the most unlikely of spots. Shortstop Jason Bartlett(.320, 14 HR, 66 RBI, 30 sB) and 2B Ben Zobrist(.297, 27 HR, 91 RBI, 17 SB) broke out the whooping sticks last year and added depth to a lineup that already had All-Stars Longoria and first baseman Carlos Pena. Bartlett and Zobrist picked up the slack left by disappointing offseason pickups Matt Joyce and Pat Burrell. Even B.J. Upton had a down year, as he saw his average drop to .241(down from .273 the year before) and hit only 11 HRs, which was up from 9 the year before but a far cry from the 24 he put in the stands in '07.

Then, there's the rotation. The Rays didn't get what they had hoped last season out of former #1 pick and 2008 postseason hero David Price(10-7, 4.43 ERA, 102 K's) and former ace Scott Kazmir was so bad that the team dealt him to the Angels for peanuts midseason. New #2 Matt Garza came on strong to start the season but faded down the stretch. If the Rays are going to compete with their big market rivals in Boston and New York, they will have to get more out of their young starting pitching. They'll also need their rebuilt bullpen to be able to close the door when games get tight. New closer Rafael Soriano has electric stuff but can be a bit inconsistent as well as being a bit brittle. Having made a World Series appearance just two years ago, it's hard to call the Rays a "dark horse" in the East, but missing the playoffs last year after their Cinderella 2008 might have gotten them dismissed by some experts. Granted, the team is young and some major maturation will be needed if they are going to continue to compete with the endlessly wealthy Red Sox and Yankees but, make no mistake, this team is as dangerous as any if all the young talent comes together at the right time.

4. Baltimore: Debating between the Orioles and Blue Jays over who will finish last in the East is like pitching which Flipmode Squad member is the worst: Spliff Starr or Baby Sham. If the O's have one thing in their favor ahead of Toronto, it's that they didn't just trade away their Cy Young-winning ace for a crew of prospects. Unfortunately, that's because they don't have a pitcher good enough to warrant such a blockbuster deal. To their credit though, the O's have some potential in that lineup. Highly touted prospect, C Matt Wieters, wasn't exactly the second coming of Yogi Berra that some were championing but he showed some promise at the plate(.288, 9 HRs, 43 RBI in 96 games). He'll be helped in the lineup by young outfielders Adam "Don't Call Me Pac-Man" Jones(.277, 19 HRs, 70 RBIs) and Nick Markakis(.293, 18 HRs and 101 RBI) as well as the returning and possibly 50-year old Miguel Tejada as well as probably-roided-up Brian Roberts. While neither Roberts or Tejada can be expected to be what they once were as Roberts' trademark speed has lost a step(as evidenced by his decline in stolen base totals the past few years) and Tejada's bat has lost some pop(probably because he's damn near 60 or because he's not on the juice anymore or both....whichever you choose to believe).

The pitching staff is......well, for lack of a better term, not good. Veteran innings-eater Kevin Millwood signed on to be the "ace" of a young and unproven rotation, which would be like Bruce Bowen signing with the Nets to provide some scoring. Behind Millwood, there isn't much. Jeremy Guthrie went 10-17 last year with an ERA just over 5, which was just slightly higher than the 4.62 put up by Brian Mutusz.....and they're the 2 and 3 starters. Seriously. The bullpen is loaded with guys good teams didn't want like former Padre Cla Meredith and new closer Mike Gonzalez, who was once a promising reliever with the Braves and Pirates. Needless to say, Jimmy Key isn't warming up any time soon. Still, there's some semblance of hope, thanks to a prospect-rich lineup, which gives them a slight edge over the Halladay-less Blue Jays.

5. Toronto: When the team brought back old manager Cito Gaston to run things once again two years ago, they must have been hoping he was bringing Joe Carter and John Olerud with him. After dealing former Cy Young winner Roy Halladay to Philly in the offseason's biggest trade, this year's edition of the Blue Jays are unique mix of mediocre castoffs, one-hit wonders and former stars looking for a way out on the first thing smoking. The MVP of that latter category is former All-Star centerfielder Vernon Wells, who continues to study from the Plaxico Burress book of "How To Kill My Trade Value" by being either injured or just a flat out disappointment. Wells' fading motivation on the latest Canadian franchise to soil an American sport has shrunk his potential from huge trading chip to Mike Lowell. Since his .303/32/106/17 season in 2006, Wells has followed that up with .245/16/80/10 in '07, .300/20/78/4 in '08 and last season's .260/15/66/17 campaign.

Luckily for Toronto, the offensive void left by Wells' lack of motivation was filled by left fielder Adam Lind. Unfortunately for Toronto, Lind's 35 HRs and 114 RBI in 2009 were more than the combined totals of Lind's previous three seasons. In other words, Lind could very well be this generation's Brady Anderson. The same can almost be said for second baseman Aaron Hill, whose 36 homers last season is more than his home run total combined in the past four seasons, although his 106 RBIs in '09 is only slightly less than his career RBI total prior to last season....and these are the two biggest bats in the lineups(well, three biggest if Wells shows a pulse). The others in the lineup? Lyle Overbay, Edwin Encarnacion and Alex Gonzalez.......I'll take "Guys I Would Have Wanted In 2004" for $200, Alex.

As for the post-Doc pitching staff? Well, if you insist. There's 1st half rookie sensation Ricky Romero, who is now the team's #1 starter. Behind him? Veteran Shawn Marcum, former Mariner Brandon Morrow and two guys you wouldn't find in a pack of 2010 Fleer Ultra. Um, yes, Mr. Gaston, Juan Guzman is returning your call on Line 2, sir. Look, this is the price you pay when you don't have the money to pay your franchise player the money he deserves. The Blue Jays won 75 games last season with Halladay notching 17 of those W's. I'd say it's a fair bet that not only will the Jays not even come close to 75 wins but they'd be hard-pressed to have a starter with even 12 wins this season, let alone 17.

So, enjoy all those gold medals you won at the Winter Olympics, Canadians, because the Americans are coming to beat that ass in some real sports for the next 6 months.

Gabe's Projected Finish:

1. New York Yankees - Is there any question about this? The champs are back and just as loaded this year as last year, if no more so. No team takes advantage of baseball's economic climate more than the Yankees. Hate on them if you want to but everything they do is within the rules, they just play the money game better than almost anyone.

You know the big names and you know the stats, I don't need to get into those. I will say though, Curtis Granderson will be an upgrade over Johnny Damon. Also, adding Javier Vasquez is going to be huge. He has pitched over 200 innings each year since 2000 with one exception, 2004 when he pitched 198 innings. That means that Vasquez routinely gets into the seventh inning of his starts and will ease some pressure on the bullpen.

The Yankees line-up is getting a little old so there is a concern over injury, but outside of that, I don't see why they won't repeat as AL Champs and have a damn good chance to win it all again.

2. Boston Red Sox - The last season and a half show just how much the Red Sox miss Manny Ramirez's offense. He was a tent pole in the line-up that protected everyone and made them all better. Just look at David Ortiz's numbers. In 2007 he had 182 hits and scored 116 runs. Last year, 129 and 77, in only eight fewer at bats. 35 homers and 117 RBI in '07 compared to 28 and 99 last year. And the bottom has just fallen out of his batting average and slugging and on-base percentages. The good news for Boston is they added Adrian Beltre in the off-season and he should have a field day hitting in Fenway. In general the Sox hit and pitch better at home. He should add so pop to their offense, but will be not quite as effective as Ramirez.

Speaking of pitching, the Sox are loaded with starting pitching, provided all of the guys play up to their talent. Like Dave said, they added John Lackey to an already formidable rotation. I think they are clearly the 2nd place team in the division, easily ahead of everyone else, but still behind the Yankees. I expect Boston to be the favorite to win the wild-card and once they get into the postseason...who knows.

3. Tampa Bay Rays - Just as I think the Red Sox are clearly the no. 2 team in the East I think the Rays are the no. 3 team in the East. They are certainly better than the Orioles and Blue Jays, hell, the Virginia Cavaliers might be better than the O's and Jays, but they aren't as good as the Sox or Yanks. They have a great starter in Matt Garza and and a great closer in Rafael Soriano. Their line-up with Evan Longoria, Jason Bartlett, Carl Crawfard, and B.J. Upton is young and talented. If injuries or health concerns get to the teams on the top I could see Tampa Bay competing for 2nd place.

4. Baltimore Orioles - The O's win the coin flip for the bottom of the division because, to me, they have some nice young hitting. Nick Markakis and Matt Weiters are good, although Weiters already has injury issues. The additions of Miguel Tejada and Kevin Millwood are great moves in 2003. Now they are just old guys playing out the string. The O's haven't have had a winning season in 12 years...this year will be unlucky number 13.

5. Toronto Blue Jays - Doc is gone. Vernon Wells is a shell of who he used to be. The rest of their roster is a bunch of young guys and journeymen who I wouldn't recognize if they walked into my living room wearing their jersey. It's going to be a long year north of the border.

NFL Offseason Thoughts

We've spent the last week or so getting deep into the upcoming baseball season and, with the NCAA tournament set to start Thursday, we'll be delving a little into college basketball over the next few weeks. So, I figured we'd take a slight break from all of that and break down what has been a busy few weeks of NFL comings and goings.

*The team that made the most headlines in the early going of free agency was the Chicago Bears, who signed top free agent DE Julius Peppers and stole RB Chester Taylor from division rival Minnesota.

Many believe Chicago overpaid Peppers by handing out a 6-year, $91 million contract($40 mil of which to be paid out in the first three years) to a pass rusher who has been a bit of an enigma throughout his 8-year career in Carolina. That may very well be true. The thing of it is, with this being an uncapped year, somebody(be it Washington or New England or otherwise) was going to pay Peppers more than he's worth to secure his services. He's a freakish athlete whose career sack total averages out to a little over 10 sacks a year(eventhough he had two seasons where he had less than double-digit sacks, including a 2007 campaign where he managed just 2.5 sacks) and the Bears, who desperately needed a pass rush playing in a division with pass-happy Green Bay and the inevitably Brett Favre-led Vikings.

My issue with the Bears-Peppers partnership is that, in order for the Bears to get their money's worth out of the ex-Panther, Peppers would have to put up career years despite being at an age(30) in which defensive ends typically see a numbers decline. It's asking quite a bit to expect a guy like Peppers, who is already not the most motivated of individuals, to play his best football AFTER signing a contract that will pay him 40 million in the first three seasons. Now, Peppers is playing in a division where the Packers led the league in sacks allowed and the Lions weren't too far behind Green Bay. Could Peppers rack up numbers in the four games against those four swiss-cheese O-Lines? Sure, but so could a lot of defensive ends who would have signed with Chicago for about half of what they paid Peppers.

As for Taylor, I'm confused as to why a guy who was overshadowed by Adrian Peterson for the last few years in Minnesota would take the same job with a less-talented team when there were openings elsewhere where Taylor could have went and been a lead back again(San Diego, Seattle, the Jets, New England, to name a few). What was the rush for Taylor to sign? The RB draft class isn't that deep and neither was the crop of RB free agents. If the Redskins were willing to hand out $21 million for the long-since washed up Larry Johnson, who's to say they wouldn't offer the same to a less worn out Taylor? On top of that, Taylor comes into an offense that will be passing most of the time(both because of new coordinator Mike Martz and because they'll likely be down late in games) and it's not like those crunch time carries will be going to him instead of Matt Forte. If Taylor's ambition was to come back and crush Minnesota, he'll have a hard time doing it with his new inferior Bears team.

*The move I loved the most thus far was the Ravens trading for Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin. Boldin's physical style fits in perfectly with the hard-nosed Ravens. Boldin's the kind of big, strong receiver cornerbacks and safeties alike will hate having to bring down in the winter months. Boldin's also a competent blocker, which will help a team that is already solid when it comes to run blocking to begin with. The best part was it only cost Baltimore a couple late picks(late 3rd and 4th in this year's draft) to bring in one of the 10 best WRs in the NFL. When you consider the Seahawks are considering a 1st rounder(in the top 15, mind you) to acquire Broncos WR Brandon Marshall, the Boldin deal looks like even more of a steal. The issue with Boldin is health. He's never played a full season and his style of play will bring on a lot of ticky-tack injuries. Critics say the wear and tear from the punishment Boldin takes makes him a very old 29, but he's still a major upgrade over the stone-handed Mark Clayton and aging Derrick Mason.

*The biggest winner, however, of Free Agency 2010 is recently traded QB Brady Quinn. Quinn was sent away from Cleveland to Denver in exchange for a couple late round picks and fullback Peyton Hillis. Quinn leaves the worst situation in football with the Browns(yes, worse than St. Louis. At least the Rams have players fans can be hopeful about) and enters a Broncos team that has a good shot at winning a suddenly wide open AFC West. With LT and Antonio Cromartie now with the Jets, WR Vincent Jackson still available to be had(granted, for a 1st and a 3rd, which SD can match) and NT Jamal Williams now in Denver, the Broncos may finally be able to put away the Chargers. As for Quinn, he's likely sitting behind Kyle Orton for at least a year unless Orton completely crumbles during the preseason or gets hurt. Still, eventually taking over an offense with a competent offensive mind in Josh McDaniels, a solid offensive line and a even better supporting cast(assuming they keep Marshall) has to be a much better scenario than wallowing in a sports cesspool like Cleveland.

*That brings me to the offseason's biggest loser so far. First, some fun with numbers.

Player A is a 25-year old quarterback who is coming off a season that saw him throw 8 touchdowns to 7 interceptions despite not having anything resembling a running attack until late December and his Pro Bowl TE and Pro Bowl WR traded away before Halloween.

Player B also threw 8 TDs but also tossed 18 interceptions(as well as lost 3 of his 6 fumbles) despite having one of the 2 or 3 best WRs in football and the most dangerous1-2 running combination in football. Player B is also 35 years old and is only available after his former employer was willing to pay $12 million to get rid of him.

If I would have told you that Player A would be getting shipped out of town in favor of Player B, how foolish would the think the man calling the shots is?

Mike Holmgren, put in charge of rebuilding a floundering Browns team just a few months ago, has been off to rather rocky start in his few weeks in the front office. He shocked many by retaining head coach Eric Mangini, even while better candidates like Vikings DC Leslie Frazier and Chargers DC Ron Rivera were available. Then, he cut Pro Bowl QB Derek Anderson, only after acquiring former Seattle QB project Seneca Wallace. After that, came the signing of Player B, ex-Panther Jake Delhomme, which was followed by the exile of Player A(the aforementioned Brady Quinn). Holmgren also dealt the team's best pass rusher, LB Kamerion Wimbley, to Oakland for a 3rd round pick and dealt servicable DL Corey Williams to Detroit for another late rounder.

Holmgren stockpiling picks in a deep draft would be seen as wise if not for Holmgren's mensa-mensa reputation as a drafter. Sure, Holmgren built a Packers team in the late 90's that went to two Super Bowls and he built a team in Seattle that made the Super Bowl in '05, and he's made some steals on Draft Day before(perhaps the biggest being Shaun Alexander in 2000 and managing to finagle former Favre backup Matt Hasselbeck from Green Bay in exchange for moving down a few spots in the first round....which then netted them Pro Bowl G Steve Hutchinson in 2001). He's also the same guy who drafted guys like Jerramy Stevens and Marcus Tubbs.

Granted, all GMs make mistakes in the Draft but, if you're a Browns fan, how optimistic can you be when they new man in charge has managed to retain a head coach who was horrid in his first season with the team and got rid of two young QBs in exchange for an undersized career backup who will be 32 this season and a beleaguered, aging QB who single-handedly sunk the Super Bowl chances of a promising Panthers team? Seriously, in the last 13 months dating back to the 2008 playoffs, who has been more of an abomination at QB than Jake Delhomme? At least JaMarcus Russell is young enough to be developed into something(albeit unlikely), does Holmgren really think Delhomme is going to get better as he enters his late 30's? Holmgren has to leave this draft with a young QB to develop(be it Jimmy Clausen in Round 1 or Colt McCoy in Round 2), at least 3 or 4 starters or potential starters on defense including a pass rusher and some bulk up front(to replace Wimbley and Williams as well as the inevitably departing Shaun Rogers) and probably a new RB(if a deal can't be struck with late-season breakout star Jerome Harrison). Given what we've seen in the first three months, what are the chances that Holmgren hits on all those marks?

*Lastly, I have to say I like L.T. going to the Jets, eventhough I maintain New Orleans was a better move for him. With L.T.(granted, an aging and decline L.T.) to pair with second-year man Shonn Greene in the backfield and fellow ex-Charger Antonio Cromartie to pair with CB Darrelle Revis in the secondary, the Jets can now focus on improving a front 7 that has seen nothing out of former first rounder Vernon Gholston and is expecting aging and out-of-shape NT Kris Jenkins to somehow bounce back next season. If the Jets retain Braylon Edwards(and I think they will) and can lock down a guy like WR Golden Tate or a pass-rusher like Sergio Kindle or Jerry Hughes in the draft, I think the Jets enter 2010 as the favorite to win the AFC next season.

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NL Central Preview

A look at the NL Central:

Dave's Projected Finish:

1. St. Louis: Lost in all the hype of the Phillies bringing in Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay was the fact that the Cardinals were able to maintain two of the best combos in baseball. The re-signing of outfielder Matt Holliday to back up Albert Pujols and Cy Young runner-up Adam Wainwright to bolster a rotation that already contained former Cy Young winner Chris Carpenter not only makes the Cards favorites to take the Central, but makes them a legit dark horse to knock off the Phils for the NL crown in October. They'll need some help from the kids though. Outside of Pujols and Holliday, the lineup is littered with prospects like 2B Skip Schumaker and outfielders Colby Rasmus and Ryan Ludwick. Of the trio, Ludwick is the most proven, hitting 59 homers combined in the last two seasons. His production will be vital if the Cards are going to trade bombs with a lineup as stacked as the Phillies(or even the Brewers, for that matter). As for the pitching, the Cards are walking a thin line hoping Carpenter can stave off the DL for most of the season after his big comeback last year. The team will also hope pitching coach Dave Duncan's magic can work with journeymen Kyle Lohse and Brad Penny. The team will also have to settle on a reliable closer. Ryan Franklin saved 38 games last season but he's hardly someone who batters fear in the 9th inning.

With all that said, the Cards still have the best hitter in baseball in reigning MVP Albert Pujols and, in years past, that alone has been good enough to carry this team pretty far. Now, with some help from guys like Holliday and Ludwick and some quality pitching from a top-heavy rotation, the Cards may not be the team you're talking about now but they could be the team you're talking about in October.

2. Milwaukee: Speaking of formidable combinations in the middle of batting order, the Brewers possess a scary 1-2 punch in the humongous Prince Fielder(.299, 44 HRs, 141 RBIs and a scary 2 SBs.....at 270lbs) and "The Hebrew Hammer" Ryan Braun(.320, 32 HRs, 114 RBIs, 20 SBs). Surrounding that dynamic duo will be Mark Brooks' twin brother, Casey McGehee(.301, 16 HR and 66 RBI) and speedy Carlos Gomez(47 SBs in the last two seasons). That foursome makes the Brewers' lineup solid, but to make them great, they will need some production from once-promising 2B Rickie Weeks and disappointing young outfielder Corey Hart. If Hart and Weeks fufill their potential, this is a dangerous lineup especially playing in a bandbox like Miller Park.

So we know the Brewers can rake, but what about the pitching? Well, beyond star-in-the-making Yovanni Gallardo, there isn't much to talk about. The rest of Milwaukee's rotation are made up of washed-up former innings eaters. Jeff Suppan, Doug Davis, and Randy Wolf might have been a nice rotation if this was 2001, but it's hard to be optimistic handing the ball to those guys this time around. The bullpen has even more prehistoric relics. Setting up geriatric closer Trevor Hoffman is the equally biblical LaTroy Hawkins. What? Was Robb Nen unavailable? Could the Brewers not reach an agreement with Charlie Hough? The lack of proven hurlers is what keeps the Brewers below St. Louis. As great as the lineup is, the Brewers can't expect to win 9-8 games every night and they can't expect a dinosaur like Hoffman to be able to fool hitters down the stretch with guile and veteran know-how. If the Brew Crew needs to dangle a floundering young bat like Weeks or Hart to bring in some quality starters, then so be it, but like Rick Pitino would say, Ben Sheets isn't walking through that door.

3. Chicago: Another season of false hope for Cubs fans. After making a move for Rich Harden and signing Milton Bradley, the Cubs looked poised to break that century-long curse of theirs. However, Harden maintained his reputation for being fragile and Bradley flew off the deep end early. Both men are gone and their replacements leave much to be desired. Overrated Japanese "slugger" Kosuke Fukudome returns for another season of being hated by Cubs fans for being, among many things, a big name with warning track power. Ted Lilly takes over for Harden as the team's #2 behind equally overrated starter Carlos Zambrano. Lilly has been adequate since coming over two years ago, notching a winning record and double digit wins in both seasons with the Cubbies, but he's hardly someone that gives you confidence in the playoffs. The lineup could use some sprucing up and an awakening from overpaid outfielder Alfonso Soriano and sophomore slumping catcher Geovany Soto would be a good start if the Cubs are going to compete with artillery that St. Louis and Milwaukee are packing. 3B Aramis Ramirez and 1B Derrek Lee still remain productive underrated options at their positions but the days of them carrying the team are over.

The Cubs' fortunes rely on manager Lou Pinella's ability to get something out of his underproducing bunch, Soriano in particular. If Soriano continues to be a wooden glove in the field and a strikeout machine at the plate, the team has to hope someone will be dumb enough to trade something of value for the former 40-40 star. If they can't and Soriano continues to be a waste of space, Cubs fans will endure yet another season of watching World Series celebrations from the sidelines.

4. Cincinnati: A good mixture of young studs and cagey veterans could make the Reds a dark horse in the Central. A nice young core of 2B Brandon Phillips(.276, 20 HR, 98 RBI 25 SB), 1B Joey Votto(.322, 25 HR, 84 RBI) and Jay Bruce(22 HR, 58 RBI) certainly makes this team promising down the road. Veterans Scott Rolen, Orlando Cabrera and Ramon Hernandez will not only play the role of mentors for the young Reds but try to use up the backwash left in the tank of their once-storied careers. The rotation possesses some decent young arms led by gigantic hurler Aaron Harang and followed by youngsters Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey as well as former BoSox hero Bronson Arroyo. The Reds also went out and snagged Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman, considered one of the top pitchers in Cuba, to bolster the rotation. The 22-year old Chapman is yet another young, promising arm in a staff filled with potential. As for the bullpen, closer Francisco Cordero converted 39 of his 43 tries and posted a 2.16 ERA. He'll be setup by reliable veteran Arthur Rhodes.

Playing inside a ballpark known for being a launching pad will make this young rotation's ability to keep the ball in the park that much more important. If Chapman proves to be as good as his billing, Cueto and Harang return to All-Star form and Bailey can avoid tossing gopher balls, this rotation, combined with their solid middle of the order, will need to be avoided in late August and September when teams like the Brewers and Cardinals are trying to lock down the division.

5. Houston: Once a team known for solid young pitching and a scary lineup, the Astros now have neither. Roy Oswalt returns for another season to further kill his trade value as he tries to keep his fastball from leaving the Astros' Little League sized ballpark. Carlos Lee and Lance Berkman still have some pop but when they aren't getting long in the tooth, they're holding down the DL spots. Youngster Hunter Pence has some promise, but he can't carry this team. The same for starter Wandy Rodriguez. Lightning-quick leadoff man Michael Bourn may steal more bases than the Astros win games and the bullpen is shaky at best. Current closer Brandon Lyon has to be a sure-shot to lose his 9th inning job to former Marlin Matt Lindstrom by June. As for the rotation beyond Oswalt and Rodriguez, how do you feel about Phillies cast off Brett Myers as your 4th starter, Astros fans? How about Bud Norris? Yeah, I'd rather have Bud Bundy. The best hope for the Astros might be to just wave the white flag early and try to get some young prospects for its still marketable stars. Oswalt has been on the block for years and they owe it to him to move him to a contender. Berkman and Lee are probably too high-priced to be moved but, if a team gets desperate, Houston shouldn't think twice about moving them. With the rest of the division making moves to improve, the Astros have been on a downward spiral since their World Series appearance a few years ago. The time to rebuild might not be any better than right now.

6. Pittsburgh: I'll tell you what: You give send me a legitimate reason why I should bother wasting any more space on a Pirates team this is poised to have its 18th straight losing season and I will gladly write it in this spot. Until then, Pittsburgh fans, enjoy the Penguins and Steelers and hope Big Ben doesn't get raped in jail. Sorry, Sean.



Gabe's Projected Finished

1. St. Louis Cardinals - This team won the division by 7 games last year, and, in my opinion, are they only team in the division that won't be right around .500 or worse. They are as good as almost anyone at the top of their rotation with Carpenter and Wainwright. They have arguably the best player in the game in Albert Pujols and have great protection for him in Matt Holliday. Unlike Dave, I think Ryan Franklin is a reliable closer, even though he is getting older. He was an All Star last year. The keys for the Cards will be their stars staying healthy, especially Carpenter, and them getting production out of some of their young guys. I think they are going to be breakout seasons from guys like Colby Rasmus. The good news for St. Louis is the division is very winnable for them because the rest of the Central is not good.

2. Chicago Cubs - The Cubs have lots of great hitters, albeit aging great hitters, in the middle of their order with Derrick Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Alfonso Soriano. And after those guys, the rest of the line-up, Fukudome and Theriot, etc., ain't exactly young either. They do have the potential to be dangerous, as long as they stay healthy and Pinella motivates them. Their pitching is also good with the incredible, but emotional, Carlos Zambrano at the top. I think Carlos Marmol is going to be a solid closer. There are questions about everybody else in their rotation though. The Cubs and Brewers will battle it out for second all season and will probably finish with very similar records. I think the Cubs pitching will be enough to get them past everyone in the division, except the Cardinals.

3. Milwaukee Brewers - The heart of the Brewers' batter order is young and good, really good. I know this because for most of the year last year I had Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun, Casey McGehee, and Corey Hart on my fantasy baseball team. (1st place fantasy baseball team that is.) They will score some runs. Their relief pitching is old, but solid. Expect LaTroy Hawkins to set-up all-time closer Trevor Hoffman. Their starting pitching is old, but not good. Jeff Suppan and Randy Wolf ain't scarin' anyone.

4. Cincinnati Reds - The big story all off-season with the Reds is the arrival of Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman, probably the most talked about new-comer not named Strasburg. I think Chapman will bring a spark and some excitement to this team. They have some players with some talent, like Aaron Harang, Scott Rolen, and Joey Votto, but they have too many holes to compete.

5. Houston Astros - As I looked at their roster these were my reactions..."Roy Oswalt is still pretty good. Carlos Lee might still have something in the tank. Holy crap! Lance Berkman and Kazuo Matsui are still in the majors?" They are going to stink. But they won't be as bad as....

6. Pittsburgh Pirates - When the Pirates stop acting like a minor league team, cultivating talent for the rest of the NL, then I'll care enough to think they won't finish last. Done and done.