I fancy myself as somewhat of a gentleman, so I'll spare cutting your mic off like I did to Lil Wayne for your hibachi-style butchering of the National Anthem in front of 100+ thousand people at Cowboys Stadium and another 111 million watching at home on Super Bowl Sunday. You've taken enough of a PR beating over the last 72 hours, as is. It's funny because, had someone told me beforehand that both you and the Black Eyed Peas were going to be the musical guests at the Super Bowl, I totally would have bet the house on Fergie being the one that shit themselves on the national stage. Look, you're human, darling. You fucked up. We all make mistakes. After all, you aren't the first to embarrass yourself singing one of the most well-known songs in this country's history. There was poor little Natalie Gilbert, who had to be saved by Mo Cheeks while doing the Anthem at a Blazers game. There was that fat cow Roseanne Barr, who got booed off the field in San Diego. And who can forget U.S. Olympian Carl Lewis sounding like he squirted in the throat with lemon juice? Your pipes are far greater than those three idiots. Who are these nobodies on the Internet to criticize you? You're Christina "Motherfuckin'" Aguilera! You've got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. You've won Grammy Awards. You've sold millions of records. You're the last remaining member of that vaunted late-90's bubble gum pop outbreak, which was like the 2000 NBA Draft in terms of talent depth. Shit, you're nominated for a Golden Globe. Don't let these people throw darts at you!
That being said, let me offer some friendly advice from a guy who doesn't have a stitch of musical talent to one of the best singers of our generation: Hang 'em up, sweetheart. It's over. Look, your resume is far more impressive than that ditz Jessica Simpson and you're far less batshit crazy than your old rival Britney Spears but, let's face it, from here on out, you're "The Girl Who Screwed Up The National Anthem At The Most Watched Television Event in History". I don't think there's any coming back from that. The music business is going down the toilet as it is. You have idiots like Drake making hit records. Kids these days are popping the headphones to their iPod into tin ears. This is a era that preys on people making public blunders like you did Sunday night. Why do you think Us Weekly is still in circulation?
On top of that, and I know this is going to come off as shallow but, you're not as attractive as you were in your prime. Look, I'm no prize myself, but even I can see that the baby fat and the bad blonde hair has turned you from Cindy Crawford to Cyndi Lauper. I'm sure we're a year away from you popping out another pup, hitting the gym like Rocky when he was training for Drago, and hitting the magazine covers looking like the second coming of Brooklyn Decker. I mean, you're only 30. Still, you're a bad nose job from being Lady Gaga's twin sister. Just sayin'.
You can't even try to milk Hef for some Playboy money like Kristy Swanson did to stay relevant until you at least start hitting Gold's 5 times a week. I know that's a bit harsh, but it's the truth, my dear. You used to be one of the ten best looking women on the planet. Now, you're getting passed up for Aubrey O'Day.
Maybe I'm being a bit rough on you. All I'm saying is lay low for a little bit. Focus on having your baby. Get back in shape. Call up VH1 for a reality show. Do a few indie films. Start dating "The Situation", and come back and see us. Sunday night was a Mike Tyson punch to your career. It's going to be tough to not be ridiculed for a very long time for that, but you have the pipes, kid. In a few years, when Glee is cancelled and people stop caring about the Carrie Underwoods and Taylor Swifts of the world, you can come back better than ever.
Until then, consider your mic cu.......nah, I think I've laid enough on you for one day.
Sincerely,
Dave
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