Quick Thoughts as the Olympics Close

Here are some quick thoughts as we near the end of the games.

- For someone so hyped Lindsey Vonn did a lot of falling. To hear people tell it before the games she was a goddess on skis. Five races, five chances for a medal and what did she come away with? One gold, one bronze, two falls, a missed gate, and a broken finger. (And to boot, she isn't that pretty. I mean, maybe she's pretty in that ugly kind of way like Carly Simon or Parker Posey, but that's about it.) Julia Mancuso should have gotten more of the attention.

- Evgeni Plushenko is a tool. Between the "Platinum Medal" incident, and looking like a Bond villain in his little promo I don't see how anyone can like this guy. How much fun would be if was the next Bond villain though? Have Daniel Craig chasing him all over Siberia. You could give Plushenko a fun villain nickname too like Razor, or The Blade, or Skate. Actually, you can't use Skate, he was the little black kid on inline skates in Streets of Rage 2, but any of the other names would do.

- Karma bit Sven Kramer. After he was a prick to Andrea Kramer he screwed up a lane change in a gold medal race in which he had a huge lead. Take that Svennie.

- People who think the U.S. hockey team's success is going to spark interest in the NHL need to calm down. It's great for now, but U.S. sports fans are notorious for having intense fleeting patriotism. Remember the 1999 Women's World Cup soccer team and how the WUSA was formed after? No? That's because the WUSA lasted for about ten minutes. Remember Rulon Gardner? For crying out loud, the greatest event in our country's sporting history was the 1980 Olympic Men's hockey team winning gold and that didn't spark anything.

- Speaking of hockey, this USA-Canada final is going to be huge, but we should make it even bigger. Here is a wager for you Canada. If we win, you become our 51st state. I mean, you're basically the US now except for the play money currency and the goofy police officers. So, we win, you become one of us. If you win we'll buy two cases of Molson Canadian and agree to not tell jokes about Canada for three days. How does a Canadian spell Canada? C-eh, N-eh, D-eh. You know, jokes like that.

So the hockey final is tomorrow. The closing ceremonies are coming soon. I'm sure they will take these Olympics out the way they have gone on for the last two weeks...with a resounding, meh.

On to London!!

Amendments and Additions to the Commandments

A couple of weeks ago Dave posted his Six Sports Fan Commandments.

It's a pretty good list, but I don't think it is complete. Here are my amendments and additions to his list.

Commandment 7. The "We" Rule. - This could also be called the "paycheck or uniform" rule.

It is NOT acceptable for a fan to say "we" when referring to the happenings of their favorite professional team. You aren't part of the team. They don't care about your personally and if you stopped watching they wouldn't miss you. If you collect a paycheck from the team, from the mail room to the owner's suite, or wear a uniform with the team's colors (players, cheerleaders, bands), you are allowed to say we. I see this first-hand. My younger brother has been a member of the Baltimore Ravens Marching Band since he was 14. At every Ravens home game he puts on a purple and black uniform that says "Ravens" on it and performs at the stadium. He is allowed to say "we" when talking about the Ravens.

There are a few exceptions to this rule:
- Alma Maters - You are allowed to say we when referring to the teams of any school you attended, college or high school.
- Season ticket holder - But only after a long.....long......time. Thirty years, or if your grandfather passed down season tickets to your father who then passed them down to you. Then it is marginally acceptable to say we.

Commandment 8. The Men's Jersey Rule.

When and where it is acceptable for a male to wear a jersey is mostly based on age:

Up to 12 years old - You can wear your favorite jersey everyday, no matter where, no matter what season. You could be like this kid. I said up until age 12 because that's when he stopped.

12 to 18 - Acceptable - school, on weekends. Avoid when out with girls and never wear a jersey on consecutive days. Also, try to keep it in season, meaning don't wear a Chicago Bulls jersey in August.

18 to 22 - Acceptable - Every now and then to class, while attending a sporting event, while watching a sporting event in a party atmosphere, or the day after your team wins. Never wear it out, ever.

22 to 50 - Acceptable - At a sporting event, Super Bowl Sunday, fantasy drafts, employer sponsored "Donate a dollar to charity and wear your favorite jersey Friday." Not acceptable - all other times.

50+ - Acceptable - You're being honored for your service to the team. That's it.

Exceptions to all of these rules....you're a professional athlete, you work at Finish Line, you're the Schwab.

Amendment to Dave's never switching teams rule.
There are times when it is acceptable to change your allegiance to a professional sports team.

- You are drafted or become employed by a team. Call this an extension of the "paycheck or uniform" rule.

- Your child plays for a team. If my wife and I were to have a child that became the kicker for the Miami Dolphins then guess what, I become a Dolphins fan. (And a professional kicker is about the only chance I have of getting a pro athlete. A kicker or a Dustin Pedroia sized shortstop. Getting above 5'8" probably isn't in the cards for any kid of mine, but they will be scrappy.)

- The "passive-proximity" rule. This is the one that won't fly with most people. I think it is perfectly acceptable to start rooting for a team that moves into your area, a new team that comes to your area, or a team that is in a city you move to....but....only if you aren't a fan of that sport already, or, if you aren't a committed fan of that sport.
Examples....When the Nationals came to D.C. I started following them and I pull for them. Even though I've grown up a Mets fan, I'm not really a baseball guy. I've always been a passive fan and truly don't care about the Mets or baseball as much as other pro teams in other sports. But again, it is only O.K. because the Nationals were new and are much more local. The same applies to my relationship with UVA sports. I only root for them because I have never really had a favorite D1 college team (except for basketball, let's go Hoyas!!)and UVA is in now in my backyard.

For better or worse there are my ideas for the Sports Fan Commandments. As my favorite suspended sports talking head Tony Kornheiser would say...."That's it, that's the list."

Who Dat Signing L.T.?

Now that aging running back LaDainian Tomlinson's tenure in San Diego is being referred in the past tense instead of present tense, we can now all focus on where L.T. will glide his once-nimble feet and don the trademark tinted visor. With solid running back rookie classes the last couple years, there are fewer openings for a soon-to-be 31-year old running back with a backwash-sized amount of juice left in his legs than there might have been in years past.

That's why, if Tomlinson has even the slightest bit of life in his cerebral cortex, he will dot the L and cross the T on a contract to sign with the New Orleans Saints. When it comes down to it, the only teams that can offer the two things L.T. would require upon agreeing to come aboard(significant playing time and a shot at a Super Bowl) are Philadelphia and New Orleans. The Eagles just bid adieu to longtime back Brian Westbrook. On top of that, the team is at least considering moving quarterback mainstay Donovan McNabb. That shows you that the Eagles are going towards a youth movement(with Westbrook being replaced by last year's rookie steal LeSean McCoy and McNabb succeeded by Kevin Kolb). Even if the Eagles keep McNabb, Andy Reid isn't exactly committed to the running game. Plus, why would L.T. sign on to play in a harsh city like Philly(where the fans are assholes....Yeah, I said it) when the team could very well ship out two of its best offensive weapons? Another underlying factor against a Eagles-Tomlinson partnership? The weather. Tomlinson was born and raised in smoldering hot Texas. He played nine years of pro ball in sunny San Diego. You think he's spending the twilight of his career having his bones ache in the biting cold of Philadelphia? I didn't think so either.

So why the champs? Well, there's the simple answers: They're the defending champs and they happen to have L.T.'s former teammate/BFF Drew Brees. Now, Brees came out on Twitter after Tomlinson's release and felt the crowd out on the possibility of a Brees-Tomlinson NOLA reunion before going the diplomatic route of bigging up his own stable of backs(even going as far as saying that the foursome of Pierre Thomas, Reggie Bush, Lynell Hamilton and Mike Bell might be the best stable of backs in the NFL....which, to put it mildly, is a bit far-fetched). That being said, Bush is in the last year of his rookie contract, Bell wasn't retained and the Saints haven't exactly rushed to sign Thomas long-term just yet. Also, keep in mind that the Saints flirted with the idea of drafting Ohio St. RB Beanie Wells last April(before settling on Wells' teammate, CB Malcom Jenkins) and could be in the market for another one of L.T.'s old 'mates: CB Antonio Cromartie(who has been made available in exchange for a starter-quality RB). Could the Saints strike a deal with L.T. and then fill another hole by dangling Thomas or Bush in exchange for Cromartie? Wouldn't exactly be the worst of moves. Plus, as much as Brees believes in his backfield boys, the fact remains that the leading rusher for New Orleans was Thomas with a measly 793 yards(although, in fairness, that was still 63 yards better than L.T., but I digress). Brees might believe that his team can defend the title with a no-name run game. The Patriots believed that to at the beginning of the millennium, after winning a couple Super Bowls with guys like Antowain Smith and Kevin Faulk. Inevitably, they realized that going with an ordinary back wasn't going to work in the long run and swung a deal for Corey Dillon. The same is true for New Orleans. Pierre Thomas put on a nice show in the Super Bowl, and yeah, maybe he can be a decent back in the NFL, but can you have a dynasty with Pierre Thomas as your starting RB? I don't think so. If the Saints can talk San Diego into a Thomas-for-Cromartie deal, then give a Bush-Tomlinson combination one year to fix their rushing woes, what do they lose in the long run? What are the chances of Thomas being a 1,400 yard rusher in San Diego? 20%? If the Bush-LT tandem doesn't work, you could let both loose next season and go back to the drawing board with a new young back. Running back has proven to be one of the most replaceable positions in the NFL. The Jets went from Curtis Martin to Thomas Jones to Shonn Greene effortlessly. Same for Kansas City going from Priest Holmes to Larry Johnson to Jamaal Charles. Pierre Thomas might be a decent young back, but irreplaceable he is not.

Now, what does a rapidly declining L.T. bring to the champs? Well, that's the wild card. In the NFL's history, we've seen teams leave aging RBs for dead on the open market, only for said aging RB to re-up elsewhere and find the fountain of youth. Remember Stephen Davis? Considered washed up by Washington and eventually signs with Carolina upon his release from the Redskins and teams with DeShaun Foster to carry the Panthers to the Super Bowl. There's Emmitt Smith, who wasn't quite ready to hang 'em up after breaking Walter Payton's record with the Cowboys and went on to two mildly productive seasons in Arizona. There's also Brett Favre. While not a running back, Favre did come back last season, with his prime years far behind him, to lead the Vikings to the NFC Championship.

Of course, there's the flip side to signing an RB on the decline. There's Eddie George's tenure with Cowboys, after being cut from Tennessee. Before that, there was Tony Dorsett's beleaguered run with Denver after a long career with Dallas. Most recently, there was former MVP Shaun Alexander struggling to even convert 3rd-and-1s with Washington after record-breaking seasons in Seattle.

Look, am I saying L.T. will go back to being a 1,500 yard back if he signs with New Orleans? Of course not. Could I see him putting up 1,200 total yards with double digit touchdowns under Sean Payton's tutelage and with Bush giving him the occasional breather? Sure. The key factor for Tomlinson will be motivation. Does he want to tune out the cries of an aging and aching body and chase immortality one last time with his old buddy Brees or would he be content leaving the game, hat in hand, and in one piece?

If it's the former for L.T., the only logical move would be for him to break out some beads and go gliding down Bourbon Street as a member of the New Orleans Saints.

Olympic Thoughts - Part 2

As the Boom Roasted Sport resident Olympics fan, it falls to me to provide some thoughts on the events.

So while Dave was busy trying to get Lindsey Jacobellis' hotel room number so her could console her, I was actually watching the games.

Here are a few thoughts....

- Let's start with Miss Jacobellis. I really feel bad for her this time. In 2006, at the Torino games, she hot-dogged her way out of a gold medal. Going into the last jump of the snowboard cross final she had a huge lead. There was crazy separation between her and the nearest competitor. Like, Jerry Rice behind the Chargers defense in Super Bowl XXIX separation. She comes off the last jump, hits an unnecessary method in the air, and falls. She was able to get up and salvage a silver medal though.

This time, during the semifinals she came off a jump, landed unbalanced, and while trying to right herself, bumped one of the other competitors, and ended up hitting one of the gates that are out of bounds. Instantly DQ'ed. To make matters worse she had to go right back up the hill and compete in the consolation race to settle positions five through eight. She won that race easily, but they don't give medals for fifth place.

- The Harry Potter/Napoleon Dynamite mash-up (Simon Ammann of Switzerland) completed his sweep of the long and short hill ski-jumping gold medals. It has now been done only four times in Olympic history, and he has done it twice.

- I'm sick of curling. Yeah, I said it. Especially the men's curling. They look less like athletes than that fat bobsled driver on the U.S. two man team. The women...I can watch a little more. Has anyone else noticed the disproportionate number of hot women on the various curling teams? Wow. Oh, and that Danish girl who did all of the crying the other day? Apparently posing topless helped her get over it.

- And finally, some words on hockey. The men's game on Sunday night between the U.S. and Canada was incredible. The last six minutes of the game were thrilling. It was tense and exciting, which is exactly what you want sports to be. That being said, the U.S. needs to give most of the credit for this win to goalie Ryan Miller. He stopped 42 shots while under constant pressure. He was sensational. On the flip side, Old Man Brodeur picked the wrong day to have a bad game between the pipes. Consequently, he has probably seen his last action of these games. It will be the Roberto Luongo show now.

Now, the U.S. winning was a mild upset, but because it occurred near the 30th anniversary of the "Miracle on Ice" there were inevitable comparisons made. It's not even close. What happened in 1980 would be like the College of Charleston basketball team beating the Los Angeles Lakers and making Kobe Bryant play so badly that he gets pulled from the game. On the ice Sunday were basically two NHL teams. These guys know each other. They play with and against each other professionally. If they were to play ten times the U.S. would probably win at least four.

One quick gripe...why was the U.S./Canada hockey game bumped to MSNBC (which I don't get in HD) for ice dancing or whatever the hell? Who thought that the hockey was not the premier event that night? NBC has control over these entire games. I know the figure skating brings the ratings, but for one night they could have put the hockey on big boy NBC. For crying out loud, they have turned one of their networks into the curling channel, they owe me hockey in HD.

Milk Carton All-Star of the Week

A hectic schedule forced us to cancel last week's MCAS, so this week, we decided to bring the heat. By that, of course, I mean we brought former Miami Heat center Rony Seikaly. Now, Seikaly was actually a rather productive big man in the pros. Drafted 8th overall in 1988 out of Syracuse by the Miami Heat, Seikaly averaged double-double seasons(points and rebounding) in five of his first six years in the NBA. In fact, Seikaly was a pretty proficient scorer throughout his pro career, averaging 14.7 a game in his 11-year career with Miami, Orlando, Golden State and New Jersey.

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So why is Seiks getting an honor normally given to career burnouts and flash in the pans? Well, for one, look at the man. Not only is he hairier than a silverback gorilla, but he looks like the lovechild of Osama Bin Laden and Manolo Ray from "Scarface". If Rony Seikaly's career started AFTER 9/11 instead of before it, team flights would be delayed 20 minutes on prior to every road trip because security would be pulling Rony out of the line for one of their "random searches". In fact, if the Petries would have bothered to bring Seikaly to Sacremento back when they had Vlade Divac, Peja Stojakovic, and Hedo Turkoglu, George W. Bush would have raised the terror alert for every Kings game and the Western Conference Finals between Sacramento and the Lakers would've needed to be ref-ed by Jack Bauer.

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Seikaly's underrated NBA career aside, his greatest accomplishment came off of the court when he manage to slip two-time SI Swimsuit Issue cover girl Elsa Benitez enough roofies to convince the Mexican supermodel to not only marry him but have his baby(Although, inevitably, fate intervened and they divorced in 2005.......probably because of friction burns). Maybe Benitez has a thing for Lebanese men who have more body hair than a woolly mammoth.

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So let's give a round of applause for someone who made being Lebanese cool long before Kim Kardashian(Yes, I know Kim K's Armenian. That's why it's funny)......Rony "The Shoe Bomber" Seikaly!

Winners And Losers of NBA Trade Deadline

After weeks of trade rumors, salary dumps, offseason prognostications and various other hubbub, the smoke has finally cleared on the NBA trading deadline. Some teams got better. Some got worse. Some just sat around grabbing their nuts. So without further ado, here are the winners and losers of 2010's Trade-a-palooza.

WINNERS

1. Houston Rockets: They turned an oft-injured, overpaid, sulking waste of space into a quality, young shooter and some much needed size. The Rockets had to part ways with promising forwards Carl Landry and Joey Dorsey, but managed to get back sharp-shooting Kevin Martin to fill the scoring void left by Tracy McGrady(who went to the Knicks), as well as acquire a few new promising bigs in 2009 1st rounder Jordan Hill, versatile(yet overpaid) Jared Jefferies and adequate backup center Hilton Armstrong. For a team that was playing the 6'9 Landry at center, Houston did well to grab some length in the 6'11 Hill, 6'10 Jefferies and the 7' Armstrong. They also managed to take advantage of the Knicks' desperation to make cap room for LeBron next summer by conning New York into the right to swap 1st rounders in 2011 and the right to take the Knicks' 1st rounder in 2012. The 2011 swap is Top 1 protected, while the '12 1st rounder is Top 5 protected. The impact of those picks will be realized down the road, but for now, the Rockets will go into next year with a potentially healthy Yao Ming and two young scoring wing players in Martin and offseason signing Trevor Ariza. On top of that, they'll get to develop Hill and Armstrong while still possessing solid bench players like Shane Battier and Aaron Brooks. All in all, the Rockets owned the NBA Trade Deadline.

2. Cleveland Cavaliers: In the end, the Cavs made the smart move by opting for Antawn Jamison over Amare Stoudemire. The potential defensive deficiency that a Amare-Shaq frontcourt would have posed could have been disasterous to a team that will have to face teams like Atlanta and Orlando, who like to dominate the inside. The presence of Jamison allows the Cavs to stretch the floor and, most importantly, snatching Jamison from Washington didn't cost them young forward J.J. Hickson, whom the Cavs highly regard. The down side to the trade is that now the pressure is on LeBron and company to bring home the title after management has shown its commitment to build a winner around "The Akron Hammer". If the team can re-sign Big Z(who was sent to Washington in the Jamison trade, but is expected to be bought out), then the deal becomes that much more of a coup for Cleveland. Point guard Sebastian Telfair will probably spend the rest of the season perfecting his bench posture, as he will be hard-pressed to find minutes on a team that already has Delonte West, Mo Williams and Boobie Gibson in the backcourt. The Cavs were the team to beat in the East prior to bringing in Jamison, now that the former Tarheel is in Cleveland, the view from the top of the mountian just got a little bit steeper.

3. New York Knicks: T-Mac's impact is moot at this point because the purpose of bringing the former 2-time scoring champ into the Big Apple was purely monetary. Depending on how the salary cap goes, the Knicks could walk into this offseason with the biggest bank of any potential buyer. Of course, that only really matters if they snag the big fish New Yorkers have wanted for the last two years: LeBron James. If the Knicks can't woo LeBron to the Garden this summer, than all of this movemaking was a waste. They would have given up early on young forward Jordan Hill for nothing. They would have squandered a chance at building through the draft by swapping first rounders in '11 and '12, and most importantly, they would continue to infuriate an already impatient fan base. Make no mistake, for Knicks fans, it's LeBron or Bust. Maybe they'll settle on Wade and Bosh or Wade and Amare, but if LeBron re-ups with Cleveland or worse, signs with the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets, we might have anarchy in Manhattan. For now though, the Knicks made all the right moves(short of finding someone dumb enough to take on Eddy Curry's contract) and they got some decent returns for jitterbug point man Nate Robinson(Guards Eddie House and J.R. Giddens, mainly) as well as shedding themselves of all-time bust Darko Milicic. A solid night of moves, but the real payoff has to come this summer.

4. Portland Trailblazers: They needed size in the worst way and they got it by pilfering one of the best rebounder/shotblockers in the game in Marcus Camby. Sure, acquiring a guy with Camby's injury history after losing two starting centers for the season is a bit risky, but if the Blazers are going to compete this season, they would have needed someone of Camby's ilk to man the paint. Also, what did it really cost them? The Blazers were deep enough at point guard and small forward to afford to ditch young Travis Outlaw and the bad contract of point guard Steve Blake. That still leaves the team with veteran Andre Miller and youngster Jerrod Bayless to run point and sharpshooting Euros Rudy Fernandez and Nicolas Batum on the wing. If Camby can stay healthy for the rest of the season, this trade becomes the biggest steal of any of the deals done this year.

5. Dallas Mavericks: They took advantage of a Wizards front office desperately seeking ways to tell fans to go fuck themselves. Once Gilbert Arenas was suspended for the season, the firebombing began and the Mavs turned out to be the biggest beneficiaries of the two stars dealt. By snagging rugged guard/forward Caron Butler(as well as center Brandon Haywood and swingman DeShawn Stevenson), the Mavs added some nice depth as well as a proven scorer and defender in Butler. Plus, they got to wave bye-bye to headache-inducing knucklehead Josh Howard. Now, much like the Blazers and Rockets' moves, it remains to be seen whether this really changes the inevitable, which is the Lakers running away with the West. Still, three teams that had big time needs, filled them at the right time and the Lakers(who remained silent after failing to acquire Kirk Hinrich from the Bulls) have their hands a bit more full than they did three weeks ago.

LOSERS

1. Amare Stoudemire: Fat girls and band geeks haven't been as disappointed in the middle of February the last two years as much as Amare Stoudemire. Just how many times does a man have to hear a trade out of town is imminent before he snaps once the deadline passes and he's stuck in the same place. Last year, we heard Amare was a mortal lock to be out of Phoenix before all deals fell through and Stoudemire ended his season in a dress suit on the sidelines. This year, Amare(in a contract year, mind you), sat back and watched Cleveland, Miami and Chicago drool over him only to find himself still in the desert. Infamous troublemaker Ron Artest can find a way to be traded twice, but an explosive, young All-Star(who may have a bit of a lax approach to defense, but nevertheless) can't seem to get a new address for the second straight year. It remains to be seen how this recent disappointment affects the big man's psyche. After all, Stoudemire is prone to injury and he wasn't the most motivated man in the world before this latest managerial screw-up. Does the big fella risk injury by going all out these next few months in an effort to raise his already high interest or does he put it on cruise control for a team that managed to screw him over for a second straight year and risk the PR hit for being unmotivated? That's a decision that has to weight heavy on Stoudemire's mind after another deadline that seems like deja vu.

2. Miami Heat: As bad as things turned out for Amare, the same could be said for Dwayne Wade. Five months ago, D-Wade ordered the team to get him some help if they wanted Flash to stick around past this season. They flirted with Phoenix and getting Amare. They whispered to Utah about Carlos Boozer. In the end......nothing. Even with Jermaine O'Neal's expiring contract, the dangling of troubled former #2 overall pick Michael Beasley and two first round draft picks in next year's draft, the Heat managed to just stay put. Does this mean Dwayne has played his last season in Miami? Who knows? But if this is a sign of the aggressiveness the front office is going to show to build a contender around a certified Top 3 or 4 player in his contract year, then there really is no reason for Wade to not go elsewhere this summer.

3. Washington Wizards: What an absolute sad sack, worthless, piece of shit organization! What a way to turn around and bitchslap fans right in the face. Once things went south for the Wizards, the front office flipped off fans by auctioning off stars Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison for pennies like they were O.J. Simpson's trophies. Let's take a look at the Wizards' moves over the last year or so. First, they offered that ridiculous $112 million contract to Gilbert Arenas(who barely played the past two seasons). Then, they blew their shot at Ricky Rubio by dealing away the 5th pick in the draft when they could have easily snagged the Spanish prodigy and talked him into staying in the U.S. by offering a big market(or at least, a bigger market than Minnesota). Then, they get shot in the foot by Arenas' moronic gun possession charge. Now, in the midst of another horrible season, they practically give away Butler and Jamison for expirings in the hopes of a huge spending spree this offseason. Who the hell would want to come to Washington, and how the hell can they expect fans to waltz back into the Verizon Center after the huge "FUCK YOU!" they just emailed to everyone in the nation's capital? How can this team offer tickets for more than 50 cents with the roster of nobodies they have now? You think someone's paying top dollar in a recession to see an idiot like Josh Howard?(Side note: How great is it that Howard goes from insulting the National Anthem on YouTube to now playing in D.C.?) If the Wizards don't snag two top free agents this summer, then David Stern should do the right thing and contract this miserable abomination of a franchise and ban Ernie Grunfeld and his stable of dumbasses from linking up with another NBA franchise ever again.

INCOMPLETES

1. Los Angeles Clippers: They turned a valuable trade piece in Camby into a backup point guard and platooner at small forward. They also opened up quite a bit of cap space in the process. Like so many other teams, the moves by the Clippers depend on what they do with that newfound cap room. If the Clippers can woo LeBron with the promise of a huge market, a roster of talented youngsters(Blake Griffin, Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman as well as Baron Davis) than it was worth giving away Camby for 10 cents on the dollar. Still, the $100 million question is this: Would a prominant star like LeBron(or any big name, for that matter) be willing to climb aboard a ship owned by a much-publicized racist like Donald Sterling? If James wasn't already getting his lumps already from activists like Jim Brown for his unwillingness to speak out against racial injustice, he sure will if he agrees to take hate money from a evil douche like Sterling. Do I think the Clippers end up with any of the big free agents next year? No. LeBron's choosing between Cleveland, New York or Miami and I can't see Wade or Bosh coming to the West coast. Plus, after watching Blake Griffin's knee snap like a twig, how can you not think this team is possessed by some kind of bad omen?

2. Boston Celtics: They got scoring mini-mite Nate Robinson for a barrell of benchwarmers and they managed to hold on to aging Ray Allen and keep the team chemistry in tact, but this team has gotten old fast. What looked like a potential dynasty after their championship run two years ago now feels like it decades have passed. Kevin Garnett is on his last leg(pun intended) and the mental and physical fatigue of carrying this team is once again exhausting Paul Pierce. Allen has shown his age, too, as he is not nearly as effective as in years past and free agent signing Rasheed Wallace has proven to be a waste of cash. On top of that, there's no youth movement behind these guys anymore. Glen Davis is a serviceable backup, but he's hardly someone who can carry the mantle after KG hangs them up and the team already lacked depth even before it dealt three players to New York for Robinson. The bottom line? This team can still be a contender if they find a fountian of youth, but with teams like Cleveland improving at the deadline, it looks like the final nail is just waiting to be hammered into the coffin.

3. Chicago Bulls: They managed to get something(albeit not much) for John Salmon's terrible contract and the unfufilled potential of former #2 overall pick, Tyrus Thomas. They also secured some nice cap room and you have to think they'll be looking at bringing in hometown boy Dwayne Wade and perhaps making a run at a Boozer or Bosh as well. Still, they swung and missed on sending away high-priced guard Kirk Hinrich(after a deal with the Lakers fell apart) and one wonders what they could have gotten in a sign-and-trade at the end of the year for Thomas if he managed to show some promise down the stretch. Once again, what happens this summer will go a long way into how we judge everything that transpired here.

4. Sacramento Kings: They went from believing that marksman Kevin Martin could co-exist with potential ROTY point guard Tyreke Evans to trading Martin for a couple expiring contracts and a promising forward in Carl Landry. Larry Hughes is a nice replacement for Martin, if he stays healthy which he never does. Landry is a solid banger inside but the team already has Kenny Thomas(though his contract expires at the end of the year) and fellow young prospect Jason Thompson. The acquisition of Landry has to come at the sacrifice of one of them(especially since Joey Dorsey came with him). If Landry turns out to be a 20-10 guy and the Kings can snag a solid wing who complements Evans in either the draft or free agency, then everything worked out in their favor. However, if Martin lights it up for Houston and Landry can't re-create his magic in Houston, this trade will leave many scratching their heads.

Say My Name

With all the new school technological advancements that have evolved the world of sports, there's one old-school aspect that needs a little sprucing up: Nicknames. Back in the day, you had monikers like "Chocolate Thunder" (Daryl Dawkins), "The Human Highlight Reel" (Dominique Wilkins), and even homo-erotic nicknames like "Sweetness" (Walter Payton). Nowadays, a man's alias is either his initials like L.T., a combination of his first initial and the first three letters of his last name like T-Mac or A-Rod or a combination of initials and jersey number like CP3 or AK-47(though the latter isn't that bad). Now, there are some good modern day ones like "The Akron Hammer" (LeBron James, though that name hasn't gone over so well with some Cavs fans, especially my friend Andre) or "The Brim Reaper" (Former Orioles closer George Sherill), but those have been the exception and not the rule. That's why I decided to take it upon myself to hand out nicknames for a few stars.

1. Chris Bosh: "Avatar". I owe this one to my friend Mike, who mentioned on Facebook that Bosh looked like someone out of Pandora in the movie "Avatar". Think about it though. Bosh is tall, skinny, he has those wild Predator mini-dreads and his cheek bones poke out like a mid-80's Michael Jackson. Besides, he plays for a team that was named the Raptors because of the huge success of the movie "Jurassic Park", why shouldn't its biggest star be named after the biggest movie in years? You can't give Bosh a name like "Air Canada" like the last star in Toronto, Vince Carter, because Bosh might be leaving Canada before The Olympics if the Raptors decide to trade him. However, if Bosh does re-up with the Raps, I can be talked into calling him "The Mountie".

2. Kevin Durant: "Kid Dynamite". Even the cast of "Jersey Shore" wouldn't have come up with nickname as horrid as Durant's current moniker, "The Durant-chula". That's just horrible. "Kid Dynamite" fits Durant because he's young(21) and he's explosive. Sometimes, it's just that simple. Also, the alias "Kid Dynamite" has some lineage. Early in his career, Mike Tyson was christened "Kid Dynamite" because he was young and explosive as well(although at the time, he was explosive IN the ring, as opposed to now being explosive OUT of it). Inevitably, Tyson's PR people saddled him with the more apt "Iron" Mike Tyson. That leaves "Kid Dynamite" up for grabs, and who better than one of the three best players in the NBA?

3. Dwight Howard: "Doomsday". Look, Dwight, you can't be Superman. Shaq was Superman when you were shittin' in your Pampers. Now, in your defense, you have done far more with the Superman title than Shaq ever did(the red cape at the Slam Dunk contest, the outstanding ESPN commercial where you dressed as Clark Kent) and I know Shaq is a role model of yours, but you didn't see Kobe and LeBron rush to take the "Air" from Jordan when #23 finally hung them up, did you? Now, comic mavens like my friend Cubbage will know that Doomsday was one of Superman's arch-nemesis and is one of the only comic book characters to kill Superman. Now, obviously, Dwight, we don't want you to kill Shaq.....his conditioning will do that for you. However, if you and Shaq are going to be rivals for the Superman crown, why not let him be Superman and you can be the more physically imposing Doomsday? Imagine the pub you'll get in the time between now and when Shaq is inevitably traded to the Wizards.

4. Peyton Manning: "The Machine". With all due respect to Cards' slugger Albert Pujols, who has been called "The Machine" on occasion by sportscasters and local media, nobody fits that alias more to a T than Peyton Manning. He's methodical in his diagnosis of a defense. He possesses a laser, rocket arm. His post-game interviews sound like they were written by Johnny 5. Hell, he even runs like a robot. All great players need a nickname. Joe Montana was "Joe Cool". Wayne Gretzky was "The Great One". Hank Aaron was "Hammerin' Hank". With Manning coming closer and closer to "Greatest QB of All-Time" status, he, too, requires a nickname and with his robotic cliches and Windows 7-like precision, I think "The Machine" is apt.

5. Adrian Peterson: "The A-Train". OK, it's not the most original nickname, but shouldn't something as catchy as "A-Train" go to someone a bit more skilled than the last two men to carry the title, Anthony Thomas and Mike Alstott? Running backs are meant to be named after motorized vehicles because they are the perfect combination of size and speed. That's why "The Bus" works so well for Jerome Bettis. Now, to be fair, I've never been a train that fumbles its passengers before take off, so maybe A.P. is going to have to earn this one, but with his blazing speed and violent, hard-charging running style, "The A-Train" has to be much better than A.P. or All Day, right?

6. Drew Brees: "The NOLA Assassin". As fun as it is to yell out "Drew Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeees" when Brees lights it up, it's going to get old at the rate Brees hurls touchdown passes. Brees and his arsenal like to strike quick and go for the jugular on every play, like an assassin. The Saints' offense as a whole is known for getting in the end zone fast and their style of play resembles an NBA fast break. "NOLA", in case you are slow, stands for New Orleans, Louisiana, which(again, if you're slow) is where Brees has achieved legendary status. I also can be talked into "Mighty Mouse", but only with written certification from Damon Stoudemire.

7. Derrick Rose: "Sub-Zero". For those who remember the legendary game "Mortal Kombat", you would recognize was one of the game's icy killers(yes, pun intended). He froze his victims with blast of ice, and, when the time came, ripped off their heads and dangled their spine. Derrick Rose, the brilliant Bulls point guard, is also an icy killer. Cool, calm, unassuming but deadly, like someone with ice in his veins. Now, those well-versed on their slang game know that the word "cold" is typically used to describe something heartless or emotionless. The word "cold" is also used, mainly be Chicago residents, to describe something awesome or nice(thank you, Urban Dictionary). Rose is both of those things: a heartless point man who plays defenses like the cello with ridiculously sick skills. Plus, it's better than the inevitable D-Rose moniker.

8. Albert Pujols: "Terminator". Since we gave "The Machine" to Peyton, it's only right we give Fat Albert a new nickname and what better than the ultimate killing machine. Pujols' once-in-a-lifetime tools(superior hand-eye coordination, uncanny speed on the bases for a big man, hits the ball like he's swinging an oak tree) make him as intimidating to pitchers as Ah-nold was in the Terminator movies. He diagnoses pitches like an android and annihilates a fastball like it was shot out of a water pistol. Plus, a devastating hitter like Pujols deserves a moniker fitting of someone who brings carnage on a day-to-day basis.

Other honorable mentions:

*Shaquille O'Neal: "Seaweed" . Because he's washed up.

*LaDainian Tomlinson: "Blown Fuse" - Because he can no longer carry a charge(or charger).

*Alex Rodriguez: "Capri Sun". Since he's filled with juice and might be a tad fruity.

*Tim Lincecum and Ricky Williams: "Bluntman and Chronic". Self-explanatory.

Now, some of you will wonder why nobody from the NHL made an appearance and the reasons are two-fold: 1. Nobody really cares about hockey and 2. The two most recognizable NHL stars already have sufficient nicknames Sid "The Kid" Crosby and Alexander "The Great" Ovechkin.

Olympic Thoughts - Opening Weekend

As the resident Boom Roasted Sports Olympics fan it has been left to me to dispense some opinion of the games.

So while Dave's interest extended only to trying to do the Lindsey two-step and become the cream filling in a Vonn/Jacobellis sandwich, I was actually watching some of the action.

Here are my thoughts on some of the weekend's events...

- The opening ceremonies....wow. They had two themes to me, which are both things I kept saying during the proceedings - "Oh Canada," (Imagine that said in resigned, you feel sorry for the country sort of way.), and "Wow, I forgot/didn't know that he/she is Canadian!" At the end of the ceremonies, after all of the boring Canada, This is Your Life stuff, the two themes came to a head when Steve Nash (Wow, I forgot he's Canadian!) and Wayne Gretzky and two others went to light the four-pronged torch...but only three pieces raised out of the ground, (Oh Canada.)

- The first medals of the games were awarded in men's short hill ski-jumping and the gold was won by Simon Ammann of Switzerland. For Ammann this continues a rollercoaster career arc that began with him bursting on the ski-jumping scene at age 16. At the 1998 Nagano games he finished 35th. He pulled out a surprise gold medal sweep (long hill and short hill) at the 2002 games in Salt Lake. In Torino in 2006 he didn't medal and then came back strong this year to win the short hill gold convincingly. Oh, and he looks like Harry Potter and Napoleon Dynamite had a baby.

- Canada's first chance to hear "O Canada" (their national anthem, not my way) after winning gold on their own soil was ruined by American Hannah Kearney in the moguls. She dropped in last, right after Canadian Jenn Heil grabbed first place, and snatched the gold medal from Canada's hands and in so doing, won the first, and so far only, gold medal for the U.S. in these games. Canada was vindicated in the men's moguls though, as Alexandre Bilodeau won gold and therefore uncursed (I think that's a word) the Canucks.

- Apolo Ohno won a silver medal in the 1500m speed skating event. He was sitting in fourth behind three South Koreans when the guys in 2nd and 3rd decided to play footsie and knock themselves out of the race. Ohno is now tied for first place for most Winter Olympic medals won by an American.

- And finally, I hate to end this on a sad note, but I have to say something about Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili. First, let me say that I love the luge. The luge and skeleton are two of my favorite Olympic events, winter or summer. I love that they are extremely fast events that are decided by inches. But those are the same reasons why these events are so dangerous.

In my opinion the blame for this lies with the designers of the track. Leading up to these games even the most experienced sledders were concerned about the turn where Kumaritashvili lost control. They were calling it a '50-50' curve, meaning they thought only 50% of the athletes would make it through without crashing especially young inexperienced riders like the 21 year-old Georgian. With tracks for the sledding events and slopes for the downhill skiing the officials need to make the tracks difficult enough to separate the elite competitors but not so difficult that they become life threatening. They really messed up this time.

Cuttin' Down The Nets

NBA commissioner David Stern sat in his chair at a press conference over All-Star Weekend for what was essentially a state of the union as the league heads toward a renegotiation of the CBA. He announced that the league was on pace to lose nearly $400 million, a figure not too far off from the hundreds of millions of dollars the league has lost in previous years under the current arrangement with the player's union. He chastised the union for tearing up the owners' proposal and warned people in his own office, Godfather-style, of the consequences of playing the media game while both sides are involved in heated negotiations("They would be dealt with; they would be former, former NBA people, not current." Stern assured.)

While the labor strife is obviously the biggest iceberg to Stern's Titanic, there may be another decent sized cluster of frozen water that may stand to damage professional basketball: Salary dumping.

If this past Friday's 7-player heist, in which the Mavericks were able to steal All-Star forward Caron Butler as well as serviceable big man Brendan Haywood and veteran swingman DeShawn Stevenson from Washington in exchange for disgruntled/oft-injured forward Josh Howard and a couple expiring contracts, taught us anything it's that the NBA is continuing to move towards becoming a league in which small-market teams essentially become farm systems for their big market counterparts. The Wizards had quite a bit of buzz after the hiring of coach Flip Saunders and how his presence will affect a lineup that featured Butler, All-Star forward Antawn Jamison and All-Star guard Gilbert Arenas. What happened instead was a slow start, some crucial injuries and the much-publicized Arenas locker room gun bust that led to Arenas' season-ending suspension. All of those components have made the Wizards, much like their fellow losing counterparts, sellers in a declining sports economy.

With attendance being down across the board, the lack of butts in seats only stand to hurt teams on the wrong side of the win-loss record even more. It's why a team like the Pacers is looking to unload a young, budding star like Danny Granger or why the Raptors are so pessimistic about their chances of retaining star forward Chris Bosh in the offseason, that they are listening to trade offers. And they aren't even getting back fair value. The Mavs got potentially the best player on the Wizards for their fourth best player in their starting five and chump change. That gives the Mavs a lineup that features aging but still effective Jason Kidd, the equally declining Shawn Marion, Butler and former MVP Dirk Nowitzki.....and they may not be done dealing. With Haywood on the roster, there are rumors circulating that the Mavs will pilfer shooting guard Richard Hamilton from Detroit in exchange for overrated and overpaid big man Erick Dampier. While overloading the contenders may help the NBA's ratings come playoff time, what message does it send to fans of losing teams? The only glimmer of hope a Knicks fan has right now is that all of these years of purging the roster will be paid off with some big names this offseason, most notably LeBron James. Why should fans be forced to watch their favorite players be shipped out for pocket lint?

Now, in fairness to Stern and his people, the commissioner is trying to cut down the poor spending of incompetent owners by cutting guaranteed years on contracts in half, lowering the minimum salary by 20% and cutting the salary on first-rounders by a third. That may help teams like the Knicks, who are trying to put together overpaid benchwarmers like Eddy Curry and Jared Jefferies in exchange for a bigger contract that expires at the end of the year(like, say, T-Mac's $22M expiring deal) so they can get all that wasted money off the books. That's just deferring more bad contracts though and the team that foolishly takes on a big, lengthy deal like Curry's will only be looking to move it down the road. Even if Stern manages to get the union on his side with his proposal, we're still looking at another year or two of bad contract hot potato as well as small-market, poorly-attended franchises still being forced to deal its young talent. Here's a couple of proposed one-sided trades that have at least a decent chance of getting done:

1. Phoenix trades All-Star forward/center Amare Stoudemire to Cleveland for Big Z and young forward J.J. Hickson: That gives the Cavs a starting five of Delonte West, All-Star Mo Williams, reigning MVP LeBron James, Stoudemire and Shaq's big, fat corpse. It also means that, in the span of six months, the Suns would have given up two of its most recognizable stars(Shaq and Amare) to Cleveland in exchange for bit parts who either will have little impact(Hickson, theoretically) or won't play a minute in the desert(Big Z, Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic). Oddly enough, it also means the three best players on the Cavs(King James, Shaq and Amare) have contracts that expire at the end of the year and could bolt if things go south over the next few months together(Remember, Shaq and Amare weren't exactly a dynamic duo in Phoenix and the jury's still out on whether Shaq was the right sidekick for LeBron in the first place). It also makes you feel bad for former 2-time MVP Steve Nash. Already aging and probably missing his boat on a championship ring, he now gets to see his loyalty repaid by watching the team sell off its best parts for the chance of being good down the road. Here's who Nash has played with since signing with Phoenix a few years ago: Joe Johnson(traded), Boris Diaw and Raja Bell(traded), Shaq(traded), Shawn Marion(traded) and now eventually Amare(who has to be the most likely to be traded of any star this season). That's not to mention that the team let go of the coach that made Nash a household name in Phoenix, Mike D'Antoni. The end result of all that talent around Nash? Zero rings, not even a Finals appearance. Meanwhile, LeBron gets Shaq, Mo and now possibly Amare. Paul Pierce gets KG and Ray Allen. Tim Duncan gets Richard Jefferson and watches the Spurs steal DaJuan Blair. Kobe gets Pau Gasol, Ron Artest and Lamar Odom. As for Nash, he gets fucked like Kim Kardashian after the Saints' victory parade. Speaking of Kobe.....

2. Raptors trade Chris Bosh to Lakers for center Andrew Bynum: This trade is the Lee Harvey Oswald in the book depository to the NBA's J.F.K.. The Lakers already look like far and away the best team in the West, if not the whole league, and now they could add a Top 15 talent like Bosh for a big man who is as much drenched with potential as he is overpaid and oft-injured. Remember when the Lakers wouldn't part with Bynum a couple years ago for Jason Kidd? Well, now they are ready to deal him for four months of Chris Bosh(I really don't see him staying with Lakers in the offseason if dealt to L.A.). The Raptors' theory behind moving Bosh is to get something for him before he inevitably bolts for Houston or wherever this summer and it's a modest strategy, but is Bynum the prize you want as compensation? Sure, Bynum has double-double potential with a few blocks per game added in, but it's not like he's the second coming of David Robinson. He also can't stay healthy and is limited offensively. Bosh can get it done on both sides of the court and has Duncan-like range from outside the paint. You're really going to deal him straight up for a guy who can't play 82 games on a loaded Lakers team? Now, you can always ask "Why don't the Raptors try a sign and trade in the offseason?" and that's certainly a valiant question(If you're the Blazers, would you not give up on Greg Oden and a few young stars like, say, Travis Outlaw and Rudy Fernandez in exchange for an all-world talent like Bosh? Just askin'.). You can't expect me to believe the Raptors will sell tickets with a nucleus of former top pick Andrea Bargnani, point guard Jose Calderon and Bynum. Even Canadians wouldn't go for that. Plus, there's already enough anti-Laker sentiment filtering outside of L.A., do you really want to rile up Laker haters more by allowing them to acquire one of the best young bigs in the game for Bynum's hideously awful contract?

Those are just a sample. Other guys supposedly on the block for financial reasons: Sacremento's Kevin Martin, New Orleans' David West, Minnesota's Al Jefferson as well as the aforementioned Danny Granger. Now, if the Pacers deal Granger, you might as well contract the Pacers. Nobody's watching that 1970's band of white guys anyway and if you get rid of its most polarizing star, you might as well just whip out your dick and piss all over Reggie Miller and all of Hoosier-ville. Even if Granger is dealt for Jefferson(as has been rumored for weeks), you still can't sell me on a Pacers team led by a Jefferson-Tyler Hansbrough Twin Towers redux. Speaking of Jefferson, remember when he was the central part in the KG trade a couple years ago? He was supposed to be a building block, now he's just a block too heavy and rich to move. As for Martin, all it took was some knee trouble, a big contract and Tyreke Evans to make him expendable. West is the Hornets' only proven big man but owner George Shinn has become infamous for being too cheap to keep stars(a small sample of guys Shinn has jettisoned: Larry Johnson, Alonzo Morning, Kobe Bryant, J.R. Smith, Eddie Jones, Anthony Mason, Baron Davis....just for starters. Oh, and don't think he won't eventually part with Chris Paul. Baron Davis was once the future of the franchise and they dealt him for Dale Davis and Speedy Claxton....and I didn't even have to look that up...it STILL chaps my ass.).

So what's the solution? Certianly, at this point, contraction can't be THAT bad of an idea. If losing teams are already giving up their best players for nothing and dividing the league into the haves and have-mores, why not just trim the fat, shorten the league to 20 teams and just have 10 loaded teams in two divisions fight for six playoff spots? After all, the league is already losing hundreds of millions of dollars and teams are being sold like Mickey Mantle rookie cards on Ebay. The Nets, on pace for the worst record in the history of the sport, are set to be sold for the 2nd time in less than a decade. The Bobcats, originally brought in to Charlotte to entertain the same fan base that barely showed up to watch the Hornets while they were good, are reportedly getting sold within the next two months. This coming after the team just arrived in 2004. So why not just get rid of them? Why even wait to move the Nets to Brooklyn? We can just move them to the D-League. Shit, we can even go back to the way things were decades ago when we had the NBA and the ABA. Two different leagues. Two different styles of place. Two different concepts of business.

Would that really be much different than what we have now?

Milk Carton All-Star of the Week

In honor of the Saints' "upset" Super Bowl victory a week ago, we thought we would honor one of New Orleans' own native sons. The man seen giving a Troy Hambrick-esque stiff arm to Ray Lewis is former Charger/ex-Bengal/Chris Berman punchline Eric Bieniemy. Bieniemy was born in N'Awlins but he played his high school ball in California and was a college star at The University of Colorado. He was drafted by the Chargers in Round 2 of the 1991 Draft.

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Bieniemy's career numbers were solid........if you base them on one season instead of nine. In 9 seasons with the Chargers, Bengals and Eagles, Bieniemy rushed for 1,589 yards and 11 TDs(or what Chris Johnson had at around Week 11 of this past season). In fairness to Bieniemy, he never got the increased workload that he saw at CU(where he finished third in the Heisman voting his senior season behind Ty Detmer and Rocket Ismail). Bieniemy notched just 387 carries during his career, and no more than 98 in a single season. His career single season high for rushing yards was 381(which in '95, the same year as his career high 98 carries as well as three touchdowns, which tied his single-season career high). After his playing career faded in 1999, Bieniemy was hired as a RBs coach at his alma mater, before leaving Colorado to take the same position at UCLA. Currently, he works as the RBs coach for the Minnesota Vikings.

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Bieniemy's biggest career contribution came as the target of a catchphrase by ESPN personality/one-trick pony Chris "You're With Me, Leather" Berman. Yes, the man who brought you such original witticisms as Ben "Winter" Coates and Randy "Hungry Like The" Wolf, managed to dig down in his undoubtedly deep bag of tricks to unveil Eric "Sleeping With" Bieniemy, a ode to the crappy Julia Roberts flick "Sleeping With The Enemy". Oh, Mr. Berman, it's like you've never been on fuckin' TV before!

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So let's give a round of applause to a Tecmo Bowl star in a Madden world, Eric Bieniemy everybody!!!

Far From Super Bowl

It was supposed to be a shootout between two of the game's premier quarterbacks. It was supposed to be Montana vs. Marino: The Sequel.

It wasn't.

While Peyton Manning(31-45, 333 yards, TD, INT) and Drew Brees(SB record tying 32 completions on 39 attempts, 288 yards and 2 TDs on route to winning the SB MVP) put on a great show statistically, the game lacked the suspenseful back-and-forth of last year's championship game. Even as Manning thundered down the field trying to make up two scores in under four minutes, the actions dragged more than "The Departed". Truth be told, the most exciting play of the entire game came on Tracy Porter's Pick 6 in the fourth quarter that essentially put the game away.

And the halftime show? Jeez. Look, we know that The Who wasn't going to find a new audience by performing vinyl classics to an iPod generation, but they somehow managed to look more dated than Phil Simms' hairdo. To be fair, I was raised in the city in New Jersey, where The Who isn't quite as popular as, say, The Wu-Tang Clan, but if The Who's goal tonight was to attempt to remain relevant to the nation's youth, then they failed miserably. This is the risk you take when you try to play it safe. Since Nipple-Gate, we've seen The Rolling Stones, Prince, Bruce Springsteen and now The Who. Somebody get Fox the number to Kansas' agent! How about we see if Boston is available next year? What about Bon Jovi or maybe even some Foghat? Would a Jay-Z/Beyonce duet have been THAT bad? We really couldn't let the young people have their Taylor Swift? Fuck, put the Jonas Brothers up there if you want to be safe(On second thought, DON'T. I plead with you. Don't do it.).

Then, there's the legendary Super Bowl commercials. Who would have thought that there would be more Danica Patrick sightings during the Super Bowl than Kim Kardashian? Practically all of the million dollar ads shown tonight were largely forgettable with the exception of the trailers for Ridley Scott's "Robin Hood" remake and the other "Avatar" movie, "The Last Airbender". The Doritos people had a bigger impact during the second half than Dallas Clark did, but I couldn't possibly tell you about one of their commercials. It was another lackluster performance on a night of lackluster performances.

Where was the star power? Sure, Manning and Brees showed up and Saints RB Pierre Thomas made his case to make Reggie Bush expendable, but where was Reggie Wayne? Where was Jeremy Shockey? It's a shame when the ex-Hurricanes with the biggest impact during Super Bowl weekend were Warren Sapp and Michael Irvin. Speaking of shames, it's a damn shame that the only Colt defender who came to play tonight was an undersized defensive end playing with torn ankle ligaments. Dwight Freeney's bum wheel was the biggest hot button topic leading up to tonight's game(which should have been a red flag that this was a suckfest from the get-go. Showdown between the two best QB's in the game and our top Super Bowl stories were a defensive end's ankle and a five-year old hurricane?). If you watched the Colts D against the Jets and the Saints D against the Vikings, there is no way you would have came into this game thinking that Indy's defense would be the ones getting picked apart like Clinton Portis at a chicken wing eating contest. Sure, Manning went for over 300 yards and even as things looked grim after the Porter house call, you still never counted the Colts out. However, the Saints D made plays when it mattered. It shut down Reggie Wayne, even as top corner Jabari Greer was hobbled. Manning had to make near-perfect throws to get Dallas Clark involved. The Saints defense made the rookie receivers(Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie) beat them and the rooks came up just short.

As disappointing as tonight was from an action standpoint, the Saints deserve their props. As annoying as the "This one's for the city" cliche postgame interview quotes will be and all the excessive celebrating on Bourbon Street that will eventually lead to drunken riots that Fox News will no doubt blame on rap music and Obama, it really is nice to see a good guy like Brees get his day in the sun.

At least somebody has a reason to be excited about what transpired tonight.

Super Bowl Picks

The most bittersweet day of the year for football fans is here. The excitement for the biggest game of the year is tempered by the fact that there is no more NFL football after tonight, until August.

So let's get right to it.

New Orleans (+5) at Indianapolis
Over/Under - 56.5

Gabe: I have gone back and forth on this pick for two weeks. At first I thought Colts all the way. Peyton Manning is the best in the league at diagnosing defenses on the fly and countering. Also, he has two weeks to prepare for a New Orleans defense that is ranked in the mid-20's in the NFL. He has already dismantled the no. 1 and no. 3 defenses in the playoffs on the way to the Super Bowl.

BUT........

The Saints have all of the motivation in the world to win this game. On top of Katrina and helping rebuild their city and everything that comes with that, all they have heard for two weeks is how Peyton Manning is going to do his thing and smoke them. They have had to hear that they are a nice story but just won't get it done on the field. Well, when the Colts defense takes the field in this playoff game, it won't be journeyman Joe Flacco or rookie Mark Sanchez under center, it will be Drew "Motha' Fuckin'" Brees. The Saints aren't going to try to keep this game in the high teens or low twenties, scoring-wise. They are going to come out and want to run with the Colts, and if there is any team in the league that can run with the Colts, it's the Saints. The Saints offense is going to be able to match the Colts and I think the Saints defense will pressure Manning and his receivers. When the Colts receivers catch the ball they better wrap it up, because the Saints defenders will be looking for the strip, constantly, and it only takes one lost fumble after a fifty yard gain to change the momentum of a game.

Here's my prediction in a nutshell...I think the Saints, led by Drew Breeeeees!, get the outright win, with a field goal at the end of the game or in overtime, by a score of 31-28. So my official pick is the Saints (+5) and the over.

Dave: Colts(Under) - The Saints offense, while still potent, hasn't been the fast break, explosive, '99 Rams reincarnation that they looked like early in the season. That could be attributed to the fact the running game never took off to make the defenses lay off the Brees' air attack.

Plus, and this may get me in some trouble, I'm quite frankly annoyed by all of these out-of-towners suddenly jumping on the Katrina bandwagon. Hurricane Katrina was 5 years ago. If you were going to use Katrina as a reason to support the Saints(or New Orleans, in general), 2005 would have been a nice start. This sudden idea that the Saints are America's Team because they bounced back from a national tragedy to make the Super Bowl(Nevermind the fact that they were in the NFC Championship in '05. But hey, I guess if you've only been a Saints fan for three weeks, you don't remember that) is downright ridiculous. Plus, while thousands losing their lives in New Orleans is terrible and we all have a sentimental reason to back the city of New Orleans, keep in mind that this city also brought us Lil Wayne(without question, the most overrated rapper in the genre's history) and Harry Connick Jr.(I really don't have a reasoning beyond the fact that he's Harry Connick Jr and he once did a guest spot on "Friends", which is only the worst show to ever come across TV sets EVER....and that includes "The Mike O'Malley Show" and "Homeboys In Outer Space"). So if there's a reason why I'm turning my nose up at the Saints, it's because I've spent the last two weeks watching rich white women yell "Go Saints!" when they couldn't tell the difference between Drew Brees and Drew Carey.

Now, as for the Colts, they are a well-oiled machine. They've also been here before. You don't have to worry about coach Jim Caldwell getting the big game jitters because a. he has about as much emotion as Joe Buck and b. The Caldwell/Manning combo is like the Uncle Junior/Tony Soprano combo in "The Sopranos"(which IS the greatest show to ever come across TV sets....and I'm including "The Wire" and "Jersey Shore"). In other words, one man holds the title of being the boss(Caldwell playing the Uncle Junior role), while everyone knows the young prodigy is really running things(Peyton being Tony Soprano). Manning's the closest thing to a player-coach in the NFL, which is great because Caldwell's expression on the sidelines makes me wonder if he's asleep at the wheel like Kanye West. The Colts have proven that no deficit is too big for them to come back from and Peyton Manning is now the quintessential QB you can never count out. The Saints defense is swiss-cheese, with its only saving grace being free safety Darren Sharper(whom, if you read our Prop Bet piece, I have taking at least one Manning INT to the house). The Colts have something that mildly resembles a running game, while the Saints have Rashard Mendenhall's caddy at Illinois(Pierre Thomas) and the man mopping up Ray J's sloppy seconds(Reggie Bush).

Reggie Bush has been so ineffective after all the hype coming out of USC, that he's probably one crap season away from joining the cast of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Bush is obviously the X-Factor(as is injured pass rusher Dwight Freeney). If Bush shows signs of a pulse, the Saints have a chance for an upset, but if the Saints can't establish the run early and keep the D honest, then we're looking at a shootout. And in a shootout, Peyton Manning is Neo, and Drew Brees is Agent Smith.

So, with this being our final pick of the season, here's my final score: Colts 28, Saints 17.

Your Super Bowl MVP: Pierre Garcon(because he's reppin' Haiti....and that's not so 5 years ago.)


Thank you, and good night!

Super Bowl Prop Bets

First some goofy stuff:

Length of Time it Take Carrie Underwood to Sing the National Anthem
Over/Under - 1:42 (One minute, forty-two seconds)

Gabe: Under - If this had been an R&B singer or a soul singer I would have easily taken the over. Underwood will have some melisma to her singing, but not much.

Dave: Over - Everyone over-sings on the big stage. Whitney Houston did it. Jennifer Hudson did it, and while Underwood doesn't have the pipes like Whitney or Hudson, you can't blame her for trying(Side note: If Joe Buck was covering this game, I would have put an over/under of 2.5 for the number of Tony Romo jokes he attempts after the national anthem. Luckily, we've been spared.)

Coin Flip
Heads or Tails

Gabe: Heads - Because why the hell not?

Dave: Tails - Because it never fails.

Number of Times the Manning Luxury Box is Appears Onscreen
Over/Under 5.5

Gabe: Over - I think they are going to go to the box everytime there is a critical play. I think the game is going to be tight at the end, so they are going to be showing the box after almost every play.

Dave: Under - With so much focus on replays, analysis plus more time given to the pricey Super Bowl commercials, I just don't think there will be enough time to go to the Manning box more than 5 times. Maybe if Peyton was facing Eli in New Orleans, but not here. I say they go to Archie and company probably twice.

Number of Times Former Colts Coach Tony Dungy Appears Onscreen
Over/Under 2.5

Gabe: Under - I think they go to Dungy once, maybe twice.

Dave: Under - I agree with Gabe. They'll go to Dungy early for his "not gonna be close" quote a few days ago and then once again depending on the score, but that's it.

Number of Times Kim Kardashian is Appears Onscreen
Over/Under 4.5

Gabe: Under - This depends on the number of Reggie Bush touchdowns. I think she is shown once just because and then once more after each big play Bush makes. I put that total at 4.

Dave: Under - This is dependent on Reggie Bush being a factor, and I don't see that happening. Plus, like I said before, there isn't enough free time for a Kim K/Archie/Dungy pan-around-a-thon.

Jersey Number of the MVP
Over/Under - 18.5

Gabe: Under - This prop comes down to this...if you take the under you are betting on either Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, or Austin Collie winning the MVP. Taking the over means you think anyone else will win, essentially. Recent history has shown the award will go to either a quarterback or wide receiver. Look at the five names I mentioned...two quarterbacks and three receivers.

Dave: Over - My money's on Pierre Garcon.

Now some actual on the field stuff:

Yardage of the shortest touchdown
Over/Under - 1.5 yards

Gabe: Under - I'm counting on either a goal-line dive or a turnover recovered in the endzone for this under, but I think it will happen. The offenses are too good. Yes there will probably be a few long TD's, but how does this grab you? A pass interference penalty against Marques Colston in the endzone puts the ball on the one and Reggie Bush or Pierre Thomas dive for a one yard TD. I'll take it.


Dave: Over - I don't see anyone getting that close to the goalline. If it's not a long score, it will be a 5 or 8 yard slant.

First to score:
Gabe: Saints


Dave: Colts - See Halftime of the AFC Championship. The Colts strike quicker than Michael Irvin on NFL Network secretary.

Last to score:

Gabe: Saints


Dave: Saints - Garbage time TD. Like Dungy, I don't think this will be close.

Yards Passing for Drew Brees
Over/Under - 300.5

Gabe: Over - I think Brees will outplay Manning on the stat sheet. The only way the Saints are going to win is if they have a big game out of Brees and their offense.


Dave: Under - Brees hasn't had a 300-yard game since Week 13 against Washington. Sean Payton is going to want some balance on O to keep the Colts D honest. I say Brees gets to about 260. That's it.

Yards Passing for Peyton Manning
Over/Under - 300.5

Gabe: Over - Again, I'm counting on a shoot out.


Dave - Over - Peyton could get 300 yards blindfolded, in a port-a-potty taking a shit with dobermans on top of him.

Total Passing TDs for Both QBs
Over/Under 4.5

Gabe: Over - I think either touchdowns will be scored total, five through the air.

Dave: Over - I like Brees for 2, Manning for 3.


Total Yards for Reggie Bush
Over/Under 125.5

Gabe: Under - The only way this goes over is if he has big punt return yardage, and I don't think there will be many punts in this game.


Dave: Under - Reggie Bush is Yiddish for "non-factor".

Combined Receiving Yards for Reggie Wayne/Dallas Clark
Over/Under 150.5

Gabe: Under - Last week the Jets focused on these two and Garcon and Collie torched them. Manning will spread the ball around.


Dave: Under - Every Super Bowl has that one improbable star, whether its Larry Brown, Dexter Jackson, Deion Branch, David Tyree or Mike Jones. This year, I think Pierre Garcon does it for Haiti.

Combined Receiving Yards for Marques Colston/Jeremy Shockey
Over/Under 150.5

Gabe: Over - But, barely. I see Colston getting 90 yards and Shockey getting about 65 or 70.


Dave: Under - Again, I'm not seeing a HUGE passing day from Brees and if Brees does connect, some of it will go to Devery Henderson and Lance Moore.

Combined Rushing TDs for Both Teams
Over/Under 2.5

Gabe: Over - Like I said before, three td's on the ground.


Dave: Over - I like the Saints for 2, Colts for 1.

Sacks for Dwight Freeney
Over/Under 1.5

Gabe: Under - He is too hurt. He won't be a factor.

Dave: Over - Remember DeMarcus Ware getting to Drew Brees with a neck stinger for the Saints' first loss? This is the redux.

Sacks for Any Other Individual Defensive Player
Over/Under 2.5

Gabe: Under - I think any defensive player getting two is a stretch.

Dave: Under - Robert Mathis might get to two, but nobody else is coming close.

Combined Total of Turnovers for Both Teams
Over/Under 3.5

Gabe: Under - These teams control the ball too well. The only thing that might change this is if the Saints defense can cause some havoc, but I don't think it will happen.


Dave: Under - Unless one of these guys implodes or an injury forces in Curtis Painter or Mark Brunell into the lineup.

Combined Total of Defensive/Special Team TDs for Both Teams
Over/Under 1.5

Gabe: Under - Not gonna happen. Maybe one, but I doubt it.

Dave: Over - Would it surprise me if Sharper pulls a Dexter Jackson? No. No, it wouldn't.

Interceptions for Darren Sharper

Over/Under 1.5

Gabe: Under - He might get one. The Saints D is more likely to cause fumbles.

Dave: Over - Again, if anyone can do it, he can.

Jersey Number of Player Scoring Game's 1st TD
Over/Under 25.5

Gabe: Under - All of the Saints offensive ball handlers wear jersey numbers under 26. I think the Saints are going to get the ball first and score first...nuff said.


Dave: Over - Could be Wayne. Could be Clark. Will be Garcon.

Longest Field Goal
Over/Under - 44.5 yards

Gabe: Under - I think the offenses are too good. They will be able to move the ball deep into each other's territory.

Dave: Over - Garrett Hartley....from 47. Lock it up.

The Six Sports Fan Commandments

"There are rules! You break the rules, and this whole goddamn thing of ours cracks and crumbles! You never break the rules!" - Anthony Quinn as Neil Dellacroce in "Gotti"

Sports fandom has always been broken down into three levels: casual fans(like the rich New Yorkers who take in Yankee games but wouldn't know Joe Girardi from Joe Piscapo), the somewhat knowledgeable fan(pretty much your run-of-the-mill fan. Knows the basic rules and players but isn't exactly breaking down the intricacies of the Cover 2) and fanatics(like people who sign up for fantasy baseball leagues in February or watch Sunday Night Football just to rattle off all the colleges that the starters went to in the intro....in other words, people like myself). The rules of being a sports fan have thus far been unwritten. It's been like a secret code, like not bunting during a no-hitter in baseball. Since there's no rules set in stone, fans of any of the three levels have been given carte blanche to break the unwritten code however they may(Case and point, all of these emerging Saints fans coming out of the woodwork now that New Orleans is in the Super Bowl). That's why I have set forth my own set of rules, even going as far to call them commandments. I only came up with six, so it's a simple code to live by. Here we go:

1. One Team Per Sport: Nothing pisses me off more than the guy with multiple teams. "Oh, I'm a Redskins fan, but they suck soooooo......Go Saints!" or "I grew up a Royals fan, but I live in Florida now so I rep the Rays!". Stop it. Just knock it off. When you pledge your allegiance to a team, it's like a marriage. No matter how bad they are, you stick with them. You grew up a Cubs fan, you shall stay that way until either you die or a nuclear strike hits Wrigley Field. No exceptions. As for the transported fans, look, I'm a Braves fan, Gabe's a Mets fan. We both live in Virginia where the "local" teams are the O's and Nationals. You know when we go to Nationals games? WHEN THE BRAVES AND METS ARE PLAYING! (Actually, that's not true, I went to a couple Nats-D'Backs games but only because the seats were cheap, I was bored and I only rooted for guys on my fantasy team). Once you move from home, you don't have to assimilate with the local yokels and just because you were born and raised in a sports city that doesn't mean you have to align yourself with the home team(For instance, my wife was born and raised in Colorado....and is a diehard fan of the Kansas City Chiefs.) Once you commit to a team, it's like National Signing Day, you are now attached to that team.

2. The Two Hour Stomach Punch Loss Grace Period: Every group of guys has that obnoxious friend who sends you witty text messages after tough losses like "Let's Go (insert your losing team here)" or calls you directly after the end of regulation to laugh in your ear for 20 minutes. Don't be that douchebag. Sure, if my team plays your team and your team wins, you have equal opportunity to gloat(within reason and only if we're both sober. That way nobody gets decked), but if I'm a Vikings fan(perish the thought) and you're a Cowboys fan, and you text me after the Favre interception, than I automatically earn the right to chin-check you the next time I see you. No questions asked. That's why I'm installing the grace period. Sure, nobody's completely calm after a tough loss, but I think a two-hour cooling period should suffice. After all, the next day would be too late and the minute after conclusion would be too dangerous. Two hours after a bad loss, fans of the opposing team, AND ONLY THE OPPOSING TEAM, can text or call to rub it in your eyeballs. This way, the game is still fresh in your head but you have had time to calm down and you and your friend can dissect what the fuck just happened. As for the outsider fans wanting to throw some kicks in while you're down, I reiterate that you have every right to stomp that dude out. In fact, if a fight breaks out between two friends(one of which a fan of the losing team, the other just an asshole who enjoys seeing your pain), then charges should NOT be pressed and police should just sit back and watch the douche get walloped. It will be like watching a group of guys beating down Spencer Pratt. Consider it a public service.

3. If You're Going To Wear The Jersey, Know The Player: This is meant for the ladies. I addressed this in my "New Rules" piece about a year ago, and I feel like now would be a good time to set it in stone. Look ladies, I know you think you look cute with your pink Donovan McNabb while you shake your cans and scream out "E-A-G-L-E-S" after every Philly score, but the truth is, you're simply being an obnoxious snot. It's one thing to deal with the constant showboating of drunk frat boys yelling obscenities and being an utter tool at sports bars the entire game. It's another thing entirely when the fairer sex, who are supposed to have class and dignity, turn into mini-Jessica Simpsons. Like in Rule #2, talking shit shortly after the guy-sitting-next-to-you's team just lost can be dangerous and, with enough liquid courage, even the most sane man can turn into Chris Brown if you keep needling him. So if you're going to be "just one of the guys", know your shit. Now, like I said in my column last year, I'm not expecting you to break down the zone blitz. I'm not expecting you to analyze the draft, but if you grew up in Boston and are a Pats fan, you should at least know that Pete Carroll was your head coach at one point(especially if you're older than 22). There's a reason guys go out to bars to get away from their wives during football season.....it's because some of you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

4. Keep The Witty Signs And Toys At Home: When I was a kid, I went to a Yankees game against the Indians with a sign that said "Manny Ramirez for President". I brought it into the men's room in "The House That Ruth Built" and had an old man who had to be in his 60's threaten to kick my ass. I was 10. Look, some signs can be funny and I know TV cameras eat up cute kids with "Santa, All I Want Is A Lions Win For Christmas" signs at ball games, but if I'm paying 40 bucks for seats at a football game, I don't want my view obstructed by your kid's artwork. That's especially true for people bringing signs that are older than 12. Once you hit puberty, be a mature adult. The same thing goes for foam fingers, Thundersticks, and any other gimmicky toy you pay 30 bucks for at the concession stand. I came to watch the game, not for a fucking puppet show. If I wanted to pay good money to see cheesy props and bad jokes, I'd go see Carrot Top. Now, that doesn't mean you can't display team pride. Face paint is cool. The guys who walk into Lambeau when its 10 below with no shirt and letters on their chest certainly earn a pass for being ballsy. As long as it isn't getting in the way of my line of sight, it's allowed. Also, and I know this should be a commandment of its own, but leave your cell phone in your pocket during game time. No calls to your family to ask if they can see you on TV. No bickering with the wife about how you don't want to pick up milk on the way home for the game. This isn't a social worker's office, it's a ball park. This is especially important for those sitting in the up front seats. If you're going to be sitting right above the dugout, go play on your Blackberry in the bathroom. I'm already pissed that I can't afford to be that close, watching you text away only fuels my anger. You don't see Jack Nicholson tweeting during Lakers games, do you? I didn't think so.

5. No Walk Outs: Midway through my Packers getting drubbed by the Cardinals, I had a well-timed appointment that allowed me to make an exit from watching the game while Green Bay was down 21. It was the perfect chance for me to go hide from the horror. When I arrived to my destination, I managed to watch the Packers come back before inevitably having their hearts ripped out by an overtime fumble. My point is, if you watch a game on TV or even in the stands, you watch the whole thing through. No changing the channel because you're pissed. No leaving in the middle of the 6th inning to beat traffic. If you're paying for your seat or your DirecTV, get your money's worth. Sports fans are fans to the end(Read #1), there's no backing out. If you can't watch the game at home or at the stadium, follow it on your phone. Like I said, being a fan is a commitment and you must devote yourself to this commitment by any means necessary. So if you're just sitting down at Shea Stadium, and Oliver Perez just served up his 4th homer of the 1st inning, you stay your ass in that chair until the 9th inning gets closed out. Don't be a pansy. It's just a game. The only time it is acceptable to leave a game midway into regulation is if either a. you have to use the bathroom, b. your wife just went into labor or some other family emergency or c. somebody three rows up saw you texting on your Blackberry in your box seats and decided to come down and stab you with a broken beer bottle.

6. Only Fans Of Truly Dreadful Sports Towns Can Cry About Ineptitude: We heard Red Sox fans bitch about how their "Sawx" were cursed for 80 years. All while the Bruins were making appearances in the Stanley Cup and the Celtics were making history. Now, the Sox have won two rings, the Patriots established themselves as one of the best NFL teams this decade and the Celtics raised their first championship banner in nearly three decades. Still, Mass-holes can't stop whining about KG's deteriorating knee, the downward spiral of the Red Sox and whether or not the Brady/Belichick magic is gone. My advice? Can it! Now, my friend Sean is a fan of the Pittsburgh sports scene. That means he long ago pledged his undying love for the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates, and while the Pirates show no signs of ending their nearly two-decade long streak of losing seasons, Ol' Sean still has his Steelers(two Super Bowl wins in the last four years) and the Pens(back-to-back Stanley Cup appearances, including a win last year). So as much sympathy as I have for poor Sean's terrible Pirates, something tells Sean's doing just fine. Cities with the right to bitch: Minnesota, Cleveland, Buffalo, Seattle, Portland and Toronto. That's it. That's right, Chicago is not on the list. You guys had the greatest basketball player to ever live for two decades, so you are disqualified and as much as you'd like to tell me the differences between White Sox fans and Cubs fans, I'd love to see a Cubs fan try to explain their pain to an Indians fan who just had to witness two former Cy Young winning Indians pitchers start Game 1 of the World Series for other teams(and, imagine the pain of Cleveland-nites when LeBron goes to Jersey next year).

So those are the main sticking points of fandom. As time passes, there will be more additions to this list and I am all ears to any suggestions from BoomRoasted Nation. However, before we part, there's one more stipulation to apply.

The "Tanking" Corollary: Rooting for your team to lose might go against all of the principles I just wrote about, but in some cases, it's acceptable. For instance, if you're a Nets fan right now and potential #1 pick John Wall is within your grasp, it is more than ok for you to hope that the Nets lose the rest of their already horrid season to improve their chances at snagging a guy like Wall. That's the only exception. If your team is already knee-deep in a historically bad season AND a potential franchise changer awaits in next year's draft, it's ok to root for the tank. After all, your team already punted this season, why not root for better days ahead? We saw it happen a couple years back with the Oden/Durant draft. We're seeing teams now blowing up their teams for a shot at LeBron in the summer. We saw the teams do it for Reggie Bush a few years ago. If a potential once-in-a-lifetime guy is out there next year, and your team has a shot, root for the tank.

Remember Us?

Underrate: to undervalue; to not give enough recognition for its quality.

These days, the term underrated seems to get thrown around as frequently as heavy objects during a Chris Brown-Rihanna dispute. Everything that momentarily flies under the radar gets classified as "underrated" until eventually it is talked up ad nauseum until its lack of appreciation inevitably falls on deaf ears thanks to overexposure. Then, it becomes "overrated". When "The Office" first surfaced on NBC, it was so "underrated" that NBC flirted with the idea of cancelling it after its first season. Then, it began to pick some steam and the buzz surrounding the show restored its relevance. Six seasons later, it's overrated. That's what we do here in America. We take something that hasn't been talked about enough and talk about it way too much, like Tom Brady's knee or Jennifer Aniston's hair or Paris Hilton's snatch.

However, if we are to take the definition of the word "underrated" under its proper context(as it is displayed above, thanks to the Webster's Dictionary), then the back-to-back NBA champion Houston Rockets from 1993 to 1995 are the epitome of underrated. In fact, they may very well be the most underrated team of our era(and now, because I said that, they're probably overrated). Those Rockets title teams of the mid-90's, led by Hakeem Olajuwon and coached by Rudy Tomjanovich(who, themselves, could be classified as underrated) seemed to get ignored because their success occurred in between two Chicago Bull three-peats administered at the hands of pro basketball's biggest glory hog/cash cow Michael Jordan. The Jordan Bulls dynasties were just much flashier. They, of course, had Jordan, considered by many to be the greatest basketball player to ever live if not the greatest athlete to ever live. He was flanked by long-time sidekick Scottie Pippen, who rode Jordan's coattails to legendary status the way Seaside skanks rode "The Situation" for TV time. They were coached by Phil Jackson, the greatest coach of our era if not ANY era. They had much more unique characters like rebounding freakshow Dennis Rodman. They were the sizzle AND the steak.

The Rockets, on the other hand, were pushed aside as a very good side order. 15 years after the last Rockets title, nobody in good conscience brings up those two Rockets teams when talking about the all-time greats(even columnist Bill Simmons, who wrote a 700-page book documenting everything that is the sport of basketball, snubbed the '93-'95 Rockets in his list of the greatest teams of all-time). So, with that said, I feel its as good a time as any to get reacquainted with these old Rockets.

While Jordan's Bulls had the more recognizable names, the mid-90's Rockets weren't at a loss for star power either. First and foremost, there was Olajuwon, the best center of the 90's(Yes, better than Shaq. Remember people, Shaq's first scamper into the Finals came in '94-'95 when his Magic were swept by....wait for it.....Olajuwon's Rockets. Shaq wouldn't go on to dominate the NBA and snag him some finger jewelry until 2000-01, long after Olajuwon was washed up.) Unlike Jordan, Hakeem didn't have a legendary sidekick for his first title. The '93-'94 Rockets consisted of Hakeem(who won the MVP that year) and a slew of cagey role players like sharp-shooting guard Mario Ellie, tough guy Vernon Maxwell, the historically clutch Robert Horry and sleek point guard duo Kenny Smith and a rookie by the name of Sam Cassell. None of those men were of the stature of a Scottie Pippen. Hell, none of those men were even the stature of Toni Kukoc. It wasn't until the following year that Olajuwon would get paired with a fellow NBA legend to take some of the load off Hakeem's long shoulders. That legendary sidekick came in the form of former college teammate Clyde "The Glide" Drexler.

Granted, the Hakeem-Clyde Rockets weren't nearly as impressive from a record standpoint as the previous Rockets title team led by just Hakeem(the '93-94 went 58-24 that season and their only struggles in the playoffs came in the Semis against the Suns and the Finals against the Knicks, both teams forcing the series to a clinching 7th game. The '94-'95 Rockets with Drexler and Olajuwon went 48-35 and once again needed 7 games to beat the Suns in the Semis but coasted afterwards including the aforementioned sweep of Shaq's Magic in the Finals.) Still, after coming over from Portland midseason for forward Otis Thorpe, Drexler did his part to shoulder some of the load. In 34 games with Houston during the '94-'95 season, Drexler averaged 21.4 points per game and shot just over 50% from the field in the regular season and then averaged 20.5 a game on 48% shooting in 22 playoff games. The role players did their part to contribute as well. Horry, in his second NBA season with the first Rockets championship team, added 10 points and 5 boards a game, occasionally stretching the court with a few shots beyond the arc. Kenny Smith shot at least 40% from three both years, adding close to 10 points per game as well.

Once Jordan came back from "retirement" in '96, though, all of that was forgotten. Olajuwon's greatness was eventually overshadowed by the rise of Shaq in Orlando(and eventually L.A.). All of the glory behind Drexler finally winning his first championship ring was brushed away by the fact that it came while Jordan(who denied Drexler in '91-'92 while Drexler was with the Blazers) was on hiatus. Robert Horry would go on to win five more rings with the Lakers and Spurs and his last-second theatrics in big spots with those teams pretty much erased his championship start with Houston. Kenny Smith would eventually make his biggest basketball contributions as comic foil to Charles Barkley as part of the TNT broadcast team. Sam Cassell would float around the NBA for a decade after his two rings becoming more known for his ugly mug and his "Big Balls" dance. Even Otis Thorpe, after winning a ring with Houston and then being traded in the middle of Houston's title defense for Drexler, would become more famous for being part of the Pistons-Grizzlies trade for a 2003 1st round draft pick(which turned out to be #2 overall, which ended up being infamous bust Darko Milicic instead of guys like Chris Bosh, Carmelo Anthony or Dwayne Wade). As for Tomjanovich, who would go on to lead the Rockets to four more playoff appearances including a Western Conference Finals bid in '96-'97, was dwarfed by Jackson. Adding further insult to Tomjanovich's legacy, Rudy would make a coaching comeback in 2004, succeeding Jackson in L.A., only to leave the Lakers midseason due to health issues and eventually be replaced the next season by......you guessed it....Phil Jackson.

So what place in history do we put a team that, at one point, had the best center of his generation(and one of the 5 or 10 best all-time in Olajuwon), one of the most fascinating and athletic guards of the 90's(Drexler), an all-time great coach(Rudy T) and a who's who of notable sidekicks(Smith, Cassell, Elie, Thorpe, Horry, Maxwell)? Maybe they aren't on par with Russell and Bird's Celtics or Jordan's Bulls? And we can debate for days whether these Rockets could have thwarted the championship hopes of the Duncan's Spurs or Shaq/Kobe Lakers, but in my mind, when talking about the great champions in NBA history, the mid-90's have earned the right to be as much in the middle of that conversation as they were in the middle of those Bulls dynasties.