Tiger Vs. The World

A few weeks ago, we crowned Alex Rodriguez's steroid scandal as the "Story of the Decade" by default as Tiger Woods' domestic disturbances was too fresh as the decade neared its closure to possibly overtake A-Rod. That meant Tiger, as has become his nature throughout his career, was the leader in the clubhouse in terms of "Story of the Decade: 2010-2019".

That led to this question: With a fiasco of this magnitude happening to the world's biggest sports star, what could possibly happen that would be bigger than Tiger-gate? So far, in 2010, we've had these big stories: Gilbert Arenas' gun case and the likely end of his NBA career(although, like Woods, that happened near the end of '09), Lane Kiffin jilting Tennessee after one season to replace Pete Carroll at USC, and Mark McGwire's steroid confession. That's not exactly what you would call earth-shattering developments(In fact, Conan O'Brien's upheaval from "The Tonight Show" might have been a bigger deal than the aforementioned three).

Lucky for you, we here at Boom Roasted Sports, have come up with three scenarios salacious enough to drop Tiger on his ear.....and here they are:

1. LeBron James Pulls A Jay Williams: Amongst the male population, LeBron James' impending free agency is one of the most anticipated moments of 2010, second only to Miley Cyrus' 18th birthday(which is approximately a week and 10 months away........not that I'm counting or anything). The only thing that could derail such a momentous occasion would be if somehow LeBron was unable to play in the NBA in 2010 or, for greater effect, ever again. Obviously, you never want to wish ill on anyone and I certainly wouldn't do so on a likeable guy like King James, but, hypothetically, what if LeBron was to suffer a career-threatening injury prior to his grand coronation this summer? When talking about young athletes who left the game too soon, names like Sean Taylor or Len Bias or most recently Chris Henry tend to come to mind. All of those men died, however. What if LeBron had to spend the rest of athletic prime watching highlights and yucking it up on TNT with Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith?

Again, I would never wish a serious injury to someone like LeBron, but what would be a bigger blow to a floundering company like the NBA than the sudden retirement of its biggest star, in his prime, just before he was poised to turn a big market team into a potential dynasty? Sure, the NBA has plenty of ubur-talented guys like Dwight Howard, Chris Paul, Kevin Durant and Dwayne Wade, but none of them have the potential for global recognition that LeBron has. LeBron is this generation's Michael Jordan, minus "The Asshole Gene" - A likeable prodigy whose athletic gifts, personality and charisma make him loved the world over. Imagine if he ended up like Jay Williams.

For those too young to remember, Jay Williams was an All-American point guard at Duke, who many were touting as the second coming of Oscar Robertson. At least, that's what the Bulls were hoping when they took him with the 2nd overall pick in 2002. However, just as Williams' career seemed to be on the rise, he suffered serious injuries to his legs and torso after a bad motorcycle accident and went from potential superstar to ESPN analyst in the span of three years. If, God forbid, something like that were to happen to "The Akron Hammer", the NBA would become just another league filled with freakish athletes nobody cared about. In other words, they'd be the NHL.

2. Derek Jeter Comes Out of the Closet: I can just hear the rants of the PC police now: "You're so homophobic! Who cares if Derek Jeter is gay!?". First of all, imaginary protesters I just made up, keep in mind that certain areas of this country weren't even ready for a black President. In the macho world of sports, the same holds true for a potentially gay superstar athlete. If you think Jeter gets an earful of nasty, mean-spirited heckles from crass Red Sox fans now, imagine if it was revealed that the sports world's biggest cooz hound was a member of the rainbow committee.

Now, when I first typed this up, Jeter had not yet agreed to marry model/actress Minka Kelly, but now that the wedding date is set, it gives the Jeter Coming Out scenario that much more impact. For one, single women are already torn up that Jeter's off the market, but if he was all of a sudden no longer into women? There would be riots down Madison Avenue! Speaking of outrage, can you imagine the aftermath of the inevitable "Jeter Is Gay" front-page cover on The New York Post? First, you'd have a never-ending smattering of interviews from teammates and fellow players from Albert Pujols down to Khalil Greene weighing in on what they think about playing with a now openly gay superstar athlete. You'll get the obligatory John Rocker interview, in which Rocker continues to bury himself deep into the annals of baseball's irrelevance with his venomous bigotry. You'll get at least one ESPN anchor and/or old-time ballplayer-turned-analyst getting canned for siding with Rocker(In the latter case, I'm giving Pete Rose even money). You'll get the NY tabloids ushering out a daily dose of interviews from former Jeter conquests, in which they tell stories about how "they always had a hunch Jeter was gay", as well as the constant rumors about a Jeter-A-Rod gay tryst.

Look, I have no problem with gay people. I'm all for gay marriage. I have plenty of openly gay friends, but if we've learned anything over the years, it's that many Americans still get their news from bigoted idiots like Rush Limbaugh or Fox News and still feel that the thoughts of morons like Pat Robertson have validity. Could America be ready for an openly gay athlete in the near future? Possibly, but as we found out with Barack Obama's inauguration, we never know how open-minded this society is until their ignorance is put to the test.

3. Peyton Manning Steroid Scandal: So much of the bad publicity of performance-enhancing drugs has settled in baseball and, to a lesser extent, cycling and the Olympics. We never really think about what would happen if a major athlete in a sport like football or basketball was outed for steroid use. With the sheer size and speed of football players these days, it's actually amazing that the NFL isn't getting the lion's share of steroid accusations. The biggest steroid fuss in recent memory was when the NFL suspended Chargers' linebacker Shawne Merriman for alleged steroid use and that seemed to blow over immediately.

Would the same hold true if this time the name on the positive steroid test was four-time NFL MVP Peyton Manning? Why would Manning be such a big deal, you ask? Well, besides the fact he has the potential to end his career as the greatest football player the NFL has ever seen, Manning is also the NFL's biggest commercial whore(and if you don't believe me, just wait til Super Bowl Sunday). Manning's 60-inch head has been everywhere from Oreo commericals to DirectTV ads to Saturday Night Live. Plus, Manning's track record thus far has been squeaky clean. Originally, when crafting this scenario, I used Brett Favre because no athlete has garnered more unneeded attention than "The Riverboat Gambler" over the past half-decade. However, Favre's selfish antics the last two years have taken some of the luster off his shiny standing with the fans and has turned even the most loyal supporters against him(like me or, more importantly, Peter King). Plus, with Favre having a comeback season at 40, would a steroid fiasco really surprise you? Didn't think so.

So let's say this conspiracy holds true and Manning, seeking a way to finally topple nemesis Tom Brady and the pesky Patriots, decided to seek an edge by dabbling in the world of HGH. For one, ESPN anchors are falling over themselves to get the first crack at a Manning interview with Chris Mortenson and Adam Schefter trading haymakers in the green room. Chris Berman goes on another tangent much like his "Hasn't anybody worked on TV before?" rant of a few years ago that was all over YouTube. Bob Costas starts asking Jennie Finch for advice on what kind of softballs he should hurl at Peyton when he finally sits him down for a confession. As for Manning, it will be the blueprint for all pre-rehearsed, cliche-riddled, "I'm sorry I let the fans down" speeches from here on out. It would be as if he got pointers from Crash Davis.

Once the Manning Apology Tour comes to a close, the endless array of analysts debating whether Manning's records should be erased and whether his Hall of Fame candidacy still exists will go on for at least a good six months. There will be a number of Bill Simmons' columns filled with snarky remarks and hand-ringing. There will be Eli, Archie and even Cooper Manning seated at a table for a press conference telling the media how they will handle Peyton's drug use as a family as if Peyton was caught in a whore house sniffing coke off a hooker's nipple like Bill Bellamy in Any Given Sunday. Let me stop before I give Jose Canseco another idea for a book.

(Side note: The original list of scenarios was five but a. we were already at 2,000 words and b. somehow, I don't think "Michael Jordan Pulls An O.J. " would have went over too well. You can only piss off so many fan bases, you know, so you'll have to settle for these three.)