I Wish.....

We're just under five months away from my birthday and a little over six months til Christmas. Still, there are things on my current wish list that simply cannot wait that long....and here they are:

1. The Atlanta Hawks hiring Mark Jackson as head coach, with Stuart Scott as an assistant: On the scale of bad NBA broadcasters, Mark Jackson doesn't rate nearly as low as, say, Reggie Miller. Still, at times, he's a one-trick pony. If I had a dollar for every time Jax yelped "Mama, there goes that man!" during these NBA playoffs, I could retire by sundown. Jackson has had his name circle around the coaching circuit for quite some time now. Do I think he'll make a good coach? We'll see. If I'm ready to tune him out after one broadcast, I can only imagine what selfish jocks will be doing after hearing Captian Cliche's catchphrases over and over again.

As for Stuart Scott, only the presence of Chris Berman at ESPN keeps Scott's schtick from being old. We get it, Stu, you think you're current with your hip-hop infused one-liners, but your run is over, my man. Hip-hop died about five years ago and so did the relevance of half of your routine. Plus, and I know I don't have much to talk here, you have a face that's built for radio. That lazy eye of yours is so damn crooked, you'd be better served just rocking an eye patch. So, please, Stu, go scream "Boo-ya!" on the bench with Jax while your lazy eye oogles some of the ATL's finest and save all the cheesy, annoying one-liners to your boy Boomer.

2. The New York Giants accept AshleyMadison.com's $25 million offer for naming rights of the new Meadowlands: Give the AshleyMadison people a tip of the cap for having some balls. A pro-adultery website asking for naming rights of a major sports arena in the midst of the Tiger Woods scandal? Well played, my friends. Seriously, only a couple years removed from the Eliot Spitzer fiasco, why not have a hook-up website for cheaters promote themselves in Spitzer's old stomping grounds? You wouldn't want to hear the infamously glib Joe Buck try to come up with a witty joke while doing a Giants-Cowboys game at AshleyMadison.com Field? Frank Caliendo could add at least another 10 seconds on his 15 minutes of fame with this story. Look, I know the NFL has an image to uphold and they aren't going to have a stadium set in the biggest sports market associated with anything sex-related after dealing with Big Ben all winter, but all of your big-time businesses are filled with their own type of sleaziness. Why not throw a bone to a company that at least has the stones not to hide theirs?

3. The NCAA must go a step further in their punishment of former USC RB Reggie Bush by stripping him of girlfriend Kim Kardashian: I don't really follow celebrity couples enough to know whether Bush N' Tush are still together and I think, for the most part, the NCAA cracking down on collegiate athletes taking handouts is bullshit because a. the players should get something for all of the money they bring in to the universities, conferences as well as the NCAA itself and b. it's not like the NCAA doesn't know about this stuff when it goes on. They just don't want to ruin any current ratings by striking down a powerhouse like USC while their at their peak. Of course you punish USC now. They are coming off their worst season in a while and they just lost their legendary head coach. You don't really think it takes five years to launch an investigation into shady off-field dealings between boosters and young athletes, do you?

Anyway, back to Bush, I know he's losing his Heisman and his NCAA championship but that's not enough. He can buy OJ's Heisman with the money he gets from Subway. You want to hit Reggie Bush where it hurts....how about banning him from Kim Kardashian's smoking hot ass? Adding insult to injury, Kim K must then date all of the prominent members of the 2004 Auburn team(You know, the team that got left out of the title game because NCAA football is too stupid to implement a playoff system). That's right. I want to see Kim K sitting in "The Black Hole" cheering on her new man, Jason Campbell. I want to see her chillin' in South Beach giving Karlos Dansby and Ronnie Brown lapdances. I want to see her make a sex tape with Cadillac Williams.....while wearing a Reggie Bush jersey.....ok, maybe that's going too far. Regardless, stripping a newly minted Super Bowl champion of some college swag that's collecting dust in his closet doesn't equate to the type of punishment current Trojans have to deal with now as a result of Bush's greed. Sure, Reggie's a good looking guy, he can find a new woman, but how do you think things are going to go when he sees Kim K on the cover of US Weekly getting motorboated by Carlos Rogers? You don't recover from losing Kim Kardashian. Just ask Ray J.

4. The ACC and Big East must combine to form their own power conference: With the Big 12 now becoming the Pac-16, with the exception of Nebraska going to the Big Ten, other conferences now have to get their weight up. The SEC is powerful enough on its own to not need any help(though I'm sure they wouldn't mind Texas A+M joining the fray). The Big East essentially has four big time teams: West Virginia, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati and Rutgers. You can throw South Florida in that mix, if you like. I know the ACC is big enough on its own after they just added Virginia Tech and Boston College and a couple others a few years ago, but really, who do they have? North Carolina isn't quite there yet. Virginia Tech always disappoints. Miami and Florida State aren't what they once were. UVA blows.

Look, I'm a Rutgers fan, but the Big East lost any legitimacy when BC and Tech left a few years ago. Look at how Cincinatti did in their bowl game. They just aren't a real conference anymore. You want to split the Big East up and send some teams into different places, that's fine, too, but with the Pac-10 adding superpowers like Texas and Oklahoma and the Big Ten adding the once-mighty Cornhuskers, and the SEC having the last three BCS championships under their belt, the bottom two of the major conferences are going to have to unite to keep up. I know this screws my Scarlet Knights by putting them in a conference with some heavy hitters, but maybe that helps them get some better recruits now that they aren't playing the FIUs and Norfolk States of the world.

5. President Obama should allow a reality show inwhich 10 celebrities are placed in a wild jungle, with the last person breathing being the winner....: .....and those celebrities are as follows: Tyler Perry, Justin Bieber, Jon and Kate Gosselin, Lady Gaga, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, Jesse James, Soulja Boy and Terry Crews. Now, I have nothing against Terry Crews, but clearly, he's the winner here even if all nine of these flunkies team up against him at once. That's the point. America is filled with far too many fringe celebrities. Tyler Perry since on a mound of money by making movies based on every stereotype in the book. He's Robert Townsend without talent. Justin Bieber? Look, if you follow me on Twitter(@DLSmooth82), you know how much I can't stand that little puke. Sorry. I'm 27. I don't do bubble gum pop. If you're going to sing about love, do it in a smooth way like John Mayer does. Do it in a way that makes grown women take off their clothes, not teeny boppers squeal like they are trapped in a bathroom stall with Ben Roethlisberger. As for the Gosselins, those greedy bastards should have been destroyed years ago. Any couple that pretends to enjoy each other's company solely for the purpose of raking in loads of cash by showcasing their soon-to-be mentally deformed eight kids to America and promoting bullshit books and all the other garbage that show afforded them deserves to be put in a sleeper hold by Terry Crews. Kate Gosslin has managed to outsuck her dickless ex-husband. Before, she was just a ruthless bitch......but now she's a ruthless bitch whose 15 minutes of fame won't end quietly. Dancing With The Stars? Really? What, was Coolio unavailable? Was Betty White overbooked? Lady Gaga.....sigh. Look, I was never a David Bowie fan, so I certianly have no place in my heart for his transvestite clone. As for "Speidi". Pratt is a devil douche and Montag is about two surgeries away from containing more plastic than a truckload of 2-liter Coke. If anyone was a 2-1 favorite to die while getting her ninth boob job, Heidi Montag is the absolute front-runner. Jesse James...I guess I'm supposed to have a problem with him as a married man, but really, all celebrities cheat. He just happened to get caught at the worst possible time: When his celebrity wife hit her peak. If "The Blind Side" tanks like "All About Steve" did, we suddenly don't give too much of a shit about Sandra Bullock's husband diddling skanks in a hotel room, but because Bullock won an Oscar and now has all the limelight, everything gets amplified....including the infidelity of a yutz who was only famous for fixing motorcycles. He probably has the best chance of beating Crews, but that's assuming he doesn't kill himself after he tries to bang Gaga and realizes he/she is a really a dude. Then, there's Soulja Boy. I don't blame Soulja Boy for ruining hip-hop. I blame the millions of suburban white kids who think his music is cool. As a rapper, Soulja Boy has less range than Paris Hilton. Granted, nature will take its course and Soulja Boy will join Nelly and Jibbs and Young Joc on the bench with the rest of the flash-in-a-pan ringtone rappers, but if we can speed that process up, that would be even better. (Note: Lil Wayne would have made this list, but Weezy is probably getting it bad enough from the dude in prison who is tearing his back out.)

So, that's all I ask, President Obama. I know you have alot on your plate with the oil spill and the war and the economy and healthcare and the Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup, but if you can just sanction a thinning of the herd so he can put some people with actual talent on television, it may help you get re-elected more than fixing any of these other issues would.